by Lund, S. E.
I was including her firmly in my life outside of kink.
I should have been keeping her at arm’s-length, I shouldn’t have pursued her or encouraged Ethan to bring her to the Bahamas, but there was a part of me that was running headlong towards her and the other parts just didn’t care enough to stop me. In fact, I had this sense that they were cheering me on.
I pushed the whole business out of my mind and tried to concentrate on the day and my responsibilities. I met my fellow presenters in the coffee shop for a quick bite before the conference started, eschewing the conference fare of Danishes and bagels for some eggs and toast. We talked about the conference schedule and what we expected in terms of questions from the audience. We went over the agenda for the session.
I was doing really well and almost forgot about Kate and the whole issue of our relationship. Almost. Then, I glanced out at the water and the white beach, and thought about my walk with Kate the previous evening. She wanted to hear my band play but it was on the list of no-no’s. Subs did not become enmeshed in my life, especially not my music or band.
It had meant the end to my relationship with Allie.
I felt reluctant to invite Kate into that part of my life, seeing it as a bulwark of sorts against full encroachment. Not that my music life was so very private – after all, I performed in front of an audience, however small. It was just one more way someone could get into my head, into my life.
I had the sense that if I denied Kate, she’d be the one to leave me but of all people, Kate should understand how personal music could be. After all, she didn’t want me to be there when she listened to the first part of the Veteran's Day concert. Still, I had the sense that Kate would want me to be part of it if we were a couple. I knew she’d want to be part of my music, too.
I sighed and tried to focus on the conference, and on my presentation.
The conference session went without a hitch. Our slides worked, my presentation was smooth, and there were interesting questions and really little in the way of criticism.
My colleague from Mass General invited me along with his small group of physicians for lunch, and I agreed. It would be good for Kate and I to spend time apart. I sent her a text to let her know that I’d come by later. I’d be glad to miss the afternoon sessions and thought we could spend time together.
I escaped the others when the afternoon session started and went to Kate’s room. I had a key card and so I entered and went inside.
Kate lay on the bed, her back to the room. I took off my shoes and slid onto the bed beside her, pulling her into my arms. I was ready for a nice kiss from her, but she seemed startled and pushed against me.
"Drake, I was sleeping."
"Sorry," I said, stroking her hair, thinking I must have scared her. "I missed you all day. I've been thinking of you, planning what I was going to do to that luscious body of yours when I was finally finished with the conference, which is, now."
I nibbled her neck, wanting to feel her relax into my arms, but instead, her body stiffened.
"Not now," she said, pushing me away again.
I pulled back and leaned on my elbow, trying to read her face. "What's the matter?"
She sat up on the bed and wrapped her arms around her legs. She yawned. "I didn’t sleep well I guess."
"I know how to wake you up," I said, grinning suggestively. I ran the backs of my fingers over the tops of her breasts and while she shivered in response, she frowned.
"Ow, my burn." She pulled away.
"Sorry." I lay back on the bed, my hands behind my head and watched her for a moment. "What have you been doing?"
"We went for a boat ride and then had lunch. I've been sleeping."
"What would you like to do?"
She shrugged her shoulder again, and I knew something was wrong. "I don't know…"
I sat up and moved closer to her, kissing her shoulder. "Kate, I know something's wrong. I can tell. What is it?"
She yawned again. "I don't know. I'm a bit bored, I guess."
"You're probably not used to leisure time, having nothing to do. Your father said you've been working like a dog for years, working on your degrees and for Geist."
"It's just that most of the people here are older than me,” she said, her voice a bit choky as if she were upset. “There's no one here my age. I feel like I'm in an old-folks home or something."
I watched her face, surprised for that didn’t seem at all like something that would concern Kate. Then I remembered what Lara said – Kate was very young. Was I making a huge mistake with her? Was she really too young?
"Would you like to go out to a bar? The locals have some nightlife. Dancing."
She made a face. "Whatever." Then she sighed. "Not really. I don't know if I want to be out among the locals."
"Come here," I said, holding my arms out. She needed some affection and lots of it. She needed to be touched. She needed to be reminded that she wanted me.
"Why?"
"I need to hold you."
She shrugged and climbed onto my lap but I could feel the distance in her, as if her mind was somewhere else. I tilted her head up and looked in her eyes, completely alarmed now that she was unhappy. That she’d changed her mind. "Kate, what's wrong?"
"I don't know," she said. "Just bored, like I said."
I kissed her, desperate to elicit something other than disdain from her, for only hours earlier, she was completely mine and now, she wasn’t.
I ran my hands over her body, pulling her tightly into my arms. I pushed her back on the bed and lay on top of her, cradling her head while I kissed her, one of my knees between hers, pushing her legs apart. Maybe she needed to feel my dominance to respond. Maybe she felt I was too vanilla.
Had I misread her so badly that I’d already lost her?
I thought she needed to be handled with kid gloves, introduced to kink slowly so she would open up like a new flower to the sun. Maybe I was wrong about what she needed, but if so, I'd really have to rethink everything with her.
I kissed her intently, completely focused, and pressed my hips against her, wanting her to know I desired her but I felt nothing in response from her.
Finally I pulled back. I stroked her cheek, and waited. Then, my cell rang and I pulled it out of my pocket and checked the ID.
"Crap," I said, and answered. It was a colleague from the afternoon session asking me where I’d been and wanting me to join them for supper. "Not tonight. No. I have something planned.” He told me to call if I changed my mind and suggested we get together for a meal the next day. "Sure," I said. "Tomorrow before the plenary. See you then." I ended the call and turned back to Kate.
"You really are tired," I said, grasping at any straw to explain how cold she’d suddenly turned toward me. "I'm not feeling the usual response in you."
She yawned and stretched. "Maybe," she said. "It's just so dead here. Nothing to do."
"I can think of lots I want to do." I forced a smile, hoping that something would break that icy reserve that had taken over the usually-warm Kate I’d grown used to.
"Yeah?" she said, her face blank. "Like what?"
"Do I even have to say?"
"Oh," she said and crawled away from me, standing up. "That. I'm thirsty. I'm going to get a drink." She took her bag and left the room without a word. I rose from the bed, frowning, and followed her to the hall, watching as she walked across the hall to the vending machine where she bought a drink.
She opened the drink, taking a sip, saying nothing and not acknowledging me in the least as if she wanted me to leave.
"Kate?" I leaned against the doorjamb. "You want to go somewhere?"
She shrugged and returned to the hotel room, walking past me, actually taking care to skirt me so she wouldn’t touch me. I followed her into the living room. She took the channel changer and switched on the television.
"Wonder what channels they get here?"
I sat on the couch, right in the middle, my arms outstretche
d on the back. On her part, Kate ignored me and flipped through the lineup of shows.
"Come here," I said, trying to use my Dom voice. My serious Doctor voice. She turned and looked at me but only shrugged and put the channel changer down. She sat beside me on the sofa. I knew then that she was either topping me from the bottom or didn’t want me anymore. I patted my lap, determined to play this out no matter where it led. "I mean here."
She sighed dramatically and climbed onto my lap, her hands resting on my shoulder.
"What?" she said, her voice petulant.
"What's wrong?"
She shook her head. "I don’t know, Drake. I'm just not feeling this."
"What do you mean?" I felt as if my stomach fell out of my chest.
"This," she said pointing between us. "Submission. It's just not there. This feels too much like a traditional relationship. You know. Boyfriend / girlfriend."
"You seemed to enjoy yourself this morning," I said, unable to stop myself from sounding bitter.
"Yeah, but it was just ordinary sex. You rub my clit the right way and I'll come. I could do that with any man. There was nothing kinky about it." She raised her eyebrows. "Maybe we're just not working out. Now that we're alone, it's just not really," she said as if searching for the word. "Exciting. Lara told me that sometimes, a Dom and sub just aren't compatible. You must really feel it. I just don't feel like we're the right match. I want to feel, I don't know… really possessed. I don't. It’s like, I can't even call you Sir and feel it. I mean, Nigel's a Sir. He's an actual Knight and I don’t even call him 'Sir'."
So that was it. I had totally and completely misread her. She didn’t feel anything for me besides curiosity and I’d failed her test, whatever it was.
"I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I just don't feel it with you. You're really sweet, Drake. Maybe Lara has someone else who I won’t have any history with. Someone really anonymous. I might be able to feel it more with a stranger. You know how this works. What do you think?"
I felt disappointment welling up inside of me, sadness biting at my throat and chest. I watched her face in wonder that I had been so wrong about her. She wasn’t deep and serious, needing someone like me to mine her depths. She was just like all the other young women of her age. Into excitement and the thrill of the conquest.
I’d been so wrong. I’d gotten my hopes up for her so much.
I’d let her in far too deeply and now, I felt a mixture of sadness and like something caught in my throat. Anger at myself and at Lara, for thinking there was a chance with Kate.
"I think you might be onto something," I said, fighting to keep my voice calm.
Kate nodded. "I knew you'd understand. You've been doing this for a long time and have lots of experience. I already talked to my parents. I think I'll go back tomorrow morning, try to salvage a couple of days of my vacation."
She was going back to Manhattan already? Then, I had a brainstorm. "And this has nothing to do with the person trying to keep you from being with me?"
"No," she said and frowned. "Of course not. Like you said, we could just keep this agreement under wraps."
"Why did you sign the contract?"
She shrugged one shoulder. "I have to admit I was a bit shocked by your contract, but I thought, you know, maybe I needed to just sign the damned thing and take a risk, give it a shot. But once I did, it was like all the thrill was gone. So maybe I expected more than I should have. You know, it was just straight sex after all."
She climbed off my lap and went to her drink on the table, taking a long sip as if she had now completely forgotten about me. I sat there watching her, trying to digest what she’d just revealed.
"Well, then," I said and stood, feeling my chest constrict. "I guess I'll go to the bar after all and meet my colleagues. Have a good trip home."
I left the room, taking my bag and shaving kit with me, closing the door behind me without another word.
As I walked down the hallway to the elevator, I felt as if I could punch something.
That night I didn’t go to the restaurant to meet with colleagues. I was in no mood to celebrate anything, and if I’d been anywhere near to a bottle of vodka, I would have downed the entire thing. Instead, I went for a long walk along the beach while the sun set, the orange rays warm on my face. The sound of the surf was usually calming and peaceful, but it did nothing to comfort me.
“What the fuck, Drake?” I said to myself as I stood staring at the ocean. “She’s just a girl.
A fucking girl.
There were a million others like her in Manhattan alone.
But I knew I was just rationalizing. I’d found someone I thought was perfect for me. She loved music. She’d volunteered at the Mangaize camp in West Africa during the famine and wrote heartbreaking investigative journalism pieces on the politics of the camps. She came from a good family and was well-educated and well-raised. She was beautiful, she was intelligent and was curious about kink but needed someone like me to safely show her the way.
How could I have been so damn wrong?
I went home early from the conference, not able to face endless sessions about my specialty, despite usually finding them inspiring and invigorating. I spent Saturday alone in my apartment, wandering around in my robe and boxer briefs, not even bothering to stop in at the foundation or go to the fitness club to work out.
Finally on Monday morning, after moping around all weekend watching reruns on television, I called Lara during a break in my cases.
“I was expecting your call a lot sooner Drake,” she said, her voice sounding tired. “What took you so long?”
“Kate already called you to find another Dom?” I said, a stab of pain in my chest surprising me with its intensity.
She laughed. Actually laughed.
“Drake Morgan,” she said, her voice filled with amusement.
“Tell me,” I said, steeling myself for the truth.
“My God, you are smitten.”
“Just tell me the truth.”
“No,” Lara said, her voice firm. “You tell me what happened from your point of view first.”
I sighed, not wanting to replay the disaster of a week over again. “You obviously know Kate left the Bahamas after ending it with me. She said she was bored and that she wasn’t feeling it with me. I thought we were good together. I was wrong about her, Lara. You were wrong about her, too.”
“I was wrong about her?” Lara said, her voice sounding affronted. “I’m never wrong about people, Drake. That’s why I’m such a hotshot lawyer.”
“You said Kate was perfect for me. You said she needed someone like me to bring her out of herself. To help her discover her inner sub.”
“And I was right.”
I shook my head, frustrated by her seeming incoherence. “She broke it off, Lara. Weren’t you listening?”
“I’m always listening, Drake. Listening to you tell me why you can’t have a life partner and have to keep your submissives limited to just sex three times a week. I’m always listening to your excuses why you aren’t able to have a real relationship.”
“So you should know how hard this is for me. I actually really like Kate,” I said, angry that Lara was acting as if this was nothing. “A lot. Too much.”
“It hurt when she ended it?”
“Yes, dammit. It hurt. I still don’t understand how I could be so wrong about her.”
She laughed lightly. “You weren’t wrong Drake. Neither was I. We were both right about her.”
“Tell me what you know,” I said, almost seeing red with Lara. “Quit with all the BS.”
“Oh, Drake. It’s so amusing to hear you all upset over this girl. The great Drake Morgan, the Dom who won’t let anyone get close to him, who keeps his women at arm’s length. Who keeps his heart protected with clauses and rules. Fallen.”
I was ready to hang up. “I’m glad my pain amuses you.”
“So you admit you’re hurt that Kate broke it off.”
; “I already said it, damn you. Why are you doing this? Tell me what you know or I’m hanging up.”
“You are so sweet, Drake,” she said and sighed. “Kate wasn’t bored with you. If anything, she likes you far too much, considering your usual demands for keeping your distance. She’s being blackmailed by her best friend over your relationship. This friend threatened to tell Kate’s father about you if she didn’t break it off.”
“What?” Hope surged through me, followed by anger. “Her friend?”
“Yes, her best friend. She found your contract and freaked out. Kate told her she broke it off with you and was despondent. She went to the Bahamas with her father to get away and was totally shocked to see you there. Her friend called her house and was told by Kate’s brother that she’d gone to the Bahamas with her father. She was suspicious and found out that you were at the conference in the Bahamas as well and put two and two together. She called Kate at the hotel and threatened to contact the hospital about you so Kate promised to break it off.”
I sat with my head in my hands, enraged that Kate’s friend would do that to her, and absolutely ecstatic that in fact, Kate hadn’t wanted to end things.
“What did you tell her?”
There was silence on the line for a moment too long.
“What did you tell her, Lara?”
“I told her that she should seriously think about what it would mean if your involvement in kink was made public – how it would affect your career.”
“So you told her to what – end it with me?”
“You have to protect yourself, Drake. Is Kate worth the risk? You could have any sub you want. There are dozens I know of right now who would be only too happy to be your sub in training. Think about this, Drake. I mean it. Is she worth it?”
My face was hot with anger. Anger at Kate’s busybody blackmailing friend. Angry with Lara for making Kate rethink our relationship.
“I can’t believe you did that. You of all people? I thought we were friends.”
