by D. Kelly
“I haven’t.”
No way.
“What? Like not at all?”
“Nope. BOB got lost in the crash, I guess. If he didn’t, I don’t want to know what item number he is from the crash investigation inventory.”
I’m laughing on the outside, but all I’m thinking about is how much I want to be the one to give her, her first orgasm in over a year. “You could have bought a new one or ordered one online. And what about your hand?”
“I don’t like using my hand for everything. It just doesn’t work the same. You need one for your clit, one to slide inside, but then your boobs are neglected. Enough about me, we were talking about your hand.”
My cock is incredibly hard right now and I can only hope she doesn’t look into my lap. The image of Mel sliding her hand inside her pussy is more than I can take right now.
“Princess, I use my hand almost every fucking day, sometimes more than once.” And most of the time I’m thinking of her when I do it. “Now that you’re drunk I want you to make me a promise.”
“Drunk promises aren’t very responsible, Sawyer.”
“Even so, I’m going to hold you to it. Promise me you’ll go to the club with me next weekend when the kids are gone.”
She groans but I don’t care. I want to dance with her, I want to feel her body up against mine as she loses herself in the music and if I’m lucky, she’ll get lost in me too.
“I don’t want to be under siege from fans or paps. I don’t want you to take off with some chick and forget I’m even there so you can get laid. A club seems like a really bad idea, Sawyer.”
How can she not know by now the only woman I want in every way is her? “None of that will happen, I promise. I know a place with private VIP rooms. Just you, me, Darren if we can get him to come, and a good time. Come on, Mel, say yes.”
I can see exactly when her hesitation gives way, and she decides to trust me. “Okay, as long as you promise you won’t ditch me.”
As if.
“I’d never ditch you, Princess.”
“What do you miss most?”
Ah, we’re getting to close for comfort. It had to happen eventually, but I don’t mind talking about Noah either. Especially not with the woman who loved him as much as I did. I wrap my arm around her and pull her in close.
“Everything. I miss his laugh and his happiness, talking to him about things no one else would get, I miss my brother, my friend. I miss his love most of all.”
“Me, too. Like everything you just said. Noah had a way of making it seem like everything was right in the world even when things were fucked up. He knew just what I needed to hear and when I needed to hear it. You’re good at that, too, Sawyer. You guys share that trait, among others.”
I’m getting tired, but she can talk to me as I fall asleep until the day I die. Nothing would make me happier. “What others?”
“I don’t know … you’re good at making me feel safe and getting me to talk. You make me laugh and you push me outside of my comfort zone. You made me be a mom and Noah would have been so thankful to you for that.”
“You didn’t need me, you would have been a great mom on your own. All you needed was the time to realize it.”
Her eyes close and she squeezes in closer to me. “Thanks for making Nate’s first year a good one,”
“Thanks for letting me be a part of his life. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
As I relish the feeling of her in my arms, I watch her sleep until I can no longer keep my eyes open. I hope Noah felt this loved and loved her as much as I do when he was here. If he did, I have no doubts his life was fulfilled, even if it was cut short.
I wake up needing to take a piss, but Mel is still asleep in my arms. My bladder can fucking explode before I get up and lose our closeness. Without even realizing, I begin caressing her arm in soft, slow circles. I’m still buzzed, but only thing I’m really feeling right now is the need to have her. This amazing woman in my arms is the only one who has ever brought me to life. We’ve walked through the fires of hell together, and our bond has strengthened into something I never thought possible. At times, I wonder if she even had this kind of closeness and awareness with Noah. I don’t like to compare us when it comes to her, but it’s hard not to. The fucked-up truth is, we’ve known each other longer than she and Noah did. Between our grief, our late-night talks, and all the time we’ve spent together, things have shifted in our relationship. I’ve let her in more than anyone, she’s the only one who knows what’s in my head because she’s read my journals, and one thing is for sure: love has blossomed between us whether she’s ready to acknowledge it or not.
She moans in her sleep.
“Princess?”
It’s like a dream when she tilts her head and reaches for me, pulling my face to hers. Instant lust travels straight to my cock when she sucks my bottom lip into her mouth and tugs my lip ring with her teeth. Clutching her tighter to me, I slide my tongue into her mouth. Our kiss is slow and decadent, and our bodies seek each other out like opposite ends of magnets. This kiss makes me wonder why I let passion control me before. There isn’t a part of my body that doesn’t feel this kiss all the way to my soul. This must be the difference between love and lust, and even though I know Princess and I can have both, I’m happy to stay lost in this moment as long as possible.
“Sawyer, please …” she begs, her needy cry far more potent than my best fantasy of her.
“Please what, Princess? You’ve got to tell me what you need.”
Say me. Say you need me and you love me.
“Fuck me, Sawyer. Fuck my pain away. I need you to make it stop.”
Fuck.
Her words are like an ice bath. She’s not ready, and I know it. No matter how much I love her, I’ll never be able to erase him from her heart.
“I can’t do that, Princess. The only way to ease your pain is to let it bleed out onto the floor while you drown in it.”
With a gentle kiss to the top of her head, I release her and go to my room. Maybe I'm a coward, but her words slayed me. I know she wasn’t being intentionally hurtful, but I can’t become Noah’s replacement fuck. I won’t do that to either of us.
When I wake up, I’m in a horrible mood. I’m pissed at myself for even putting myself in the position where I was drunk with her again. The two of us are great at taking two steps forward and three steps back, but I’m tired of going back.
I’m making my second cup of coffee when she walks into the kitchen. She doesn’t look like she slept well.
“Good morning,” I whisper, trying to be mindful of her possible hangover.
“Sawyer, about last night … I’m sorry.”
That’s not what I wanted to hear …
“Why are you sorry? Because you wanted me, or because I wouldn’t fuck you?” She flinches, but I keep going. We’re going to have to face this head-on. I can’t keep letting her shred my heart. “Because I’ll tell you why I’m sorry, Princess. There’s only one thing in this world I want more than I want you and it’s never going to happen. We’re self-destructive people, Mel, and fucking our pain and anger away isn’t going to get us anywhere.”
“Sawyer—”
“No, let me finish. I’m tired of dancing around the obvious. Noah is gone, and we’re left picking up the pieces. Don’t you think I know it’s wrong to be in love with my dead brother’s wife? I’ve loved you from afar for long enough. If you want me, you’ll have to come to me. You need to want me for who I am, Mel, not because I remind you of something you’ve lost.”
There it is. I love her, and she knows it now. The only question left is, can she love me for who I am? Can she want me because she loves me too? Tears stream down her cheeks, and I’m glad because I need her to feel this.
“I’ve never wanted you for anything other than who you are, Sawyer. I know you’re not Noah, that you never will be Noah, and I don’t ever want you to be him either. I’m sorry I didn’
t realize you were in love with me. I love you too, Sawyer, but I’m not sure how.”
“I don’t need you to reciprocate my feelings, I’m just telling you they exist. I know better than anyone that you’re still in love with Noah.”
“Tell me, Sawyer, what’s the one thing you want more than me? Maybe I can at least help you get that.”
“Noah, Mel. I want my best friend and my brother back. I need him. I need his advice, his friendship, and his heart and love for life. It should have been me, and I regret being where he should be every fucking day.”
Mel starts to sob and falls to the floor.
“Do you think that would make this better? How broken do you think we’d be without you? If it were reversed and you were gone, Noah wouldn’t be Noah anymore. He’d be a shell of himself and he’d feel exactly like you do now. And what about me? And Nate? What the hell would we do without you, Sawyer? You’re our everything!”
Holy shit. Did she just say what I think she did?
“You’d have Noah, your husband, and you’d get through.”
“Yeah, just like we’re getting through now. I don’t want to live in a world without Noah, but dammit, Sawyer, I don’t want to live in a world without you either. None of this is fair, life isn’t fair. Every day, a part of me wishes I’d died with them.”
Her words cut like a knife. They survived for a reason, and without her and Nate … I can’t even go there. Instead, I drop to the floor and take her hand in mine.
“No, Mel, don’t say that.”
She utters her next words through her sobs, and although I’m listening, I’m also wondering how someone can look so beautiful while they’re crying. “Why? It’s the truth. You’re not the only one who lives with survivor’s guilt. But there’s this other part of me that knows I need to be here for Nate. If there’s one thing I can give Noah it’s to be a mother to his son. Something I never really wanted, and wasn’t good at in the beginning, but I loved him, Sawyer. I just couldn’t imagine living up to the kind of parent Noah would have been.”
I pull her into my arms to try to ease some of her pain.
“Nate needs you, Sawyer, and so do I. But I loved my husband and I don’t know how, if ever, I’ll be ready to move on or give you that part of my heart where Noah lives.”
“I don’t want Noah’s place, Princess, I want my own.” I’m barely able to get the words out of my mouth.
“I know, Sawyer, and you have one. But I’m not sure the love and friendship I have with you can evolve into the same kind of love I had for him. I’m sorry, I know that’s brutal, but it’s true. I’m still numb a lot of the time. I’m tired, Sawyer. I’m sad, and I want a physical connection with someone. I want to be brought back to life. Sex and intimacy with someone may do that. And last night I felt it with you. Those beginning sparks of something incredible. I know it’s selfish that I want it to be you, but I can’t imagine wanting it to be anyone else. I’ve lost everyone who has ever meant anything to me. I can’t lose you too.”
She’s hurting, and I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I give her a hug and get off the floor. “I need to think, Mel. I’m going to the beach.”
As quickly as I can, I head down to the beach. It’s still early, but it’s already beautiful outside. This year is supposed to be different, and I’m not sure I want to start it by becoming Mel’s fuckboy. A year ago, I would have jumped in with both feet, but if I do this now, she’s going to trample my heart. I don’t think I can handle it a second time.
We’re two messed-up people in a fucked-up situation. Even if we pushed past our issues, I know Mel will get stuck on me being Noah’s brother and what people will think. It’s funny how I don’t give a fuck what people think, but then again, I never really have.
My only concern is the unknown factor. Can Mel get past Noah enough to love me for who I am to her and not because I’m her link to him? When she looks at me, can she see the man who loves her more than anything? Who loves her son beyond reason and who would lay down his life for them?
I spent hours on the beach thinking and listening to music and came back to the house calmer than I was when I’d left. As soon as Darren saw me, he went off on me about Mel. It’s not my fault she broke down. Mel needs to feel her pain so she can decide what’s important to her. I won’t apologize for it. After a beer in the garage, followed by some Sunshine Project business, I came upstairs with the intention of finding her so we can talk things out. She bumps right into me when she comes out of the nursery. The first thing I notice when our eyes meet are the tears streaming down her cheeks. My lingering frustration vanishes as I wrap her in my arms and she leans into my embrace.
“Come with me, we should talk.” Lacing our hands together I lead her into my room. We settle against the headboard where we seem to have all our deep talks. Her sadness makes me feel so damn guilty. “I’m so sorry about earlier and about last night. Especially this morning. It wasn’t fair to dump my feelings on you like that.”
She looks up at me with those pretty eyes of hers, and I lose myself in them. “It’s okay. What I said was mean and I didn’t want it to come off like that. The truth is I don’t know how to move on with someone else. And the fact I want it to be you is so fucking hard to wrap my head around.”
She wants it to be me.
Me.
She wants me.
Moving closer, I keep my eyes locked on hers. I want her to feel my words, to feel my love. “I’m worried too, but I can’t help how I feel about you, Princess.”
She bites her lip, and I inch closer. I’d like to be the one biting that lip, and then I want to kiss all her pain away.
“Me either,” she answers breathlessly.
“Do you really want to try something with me? For me to be your first after Noah?”
For the love of all that is holy, say yes.
As I ghost my lips over hers, she throws her arms around my neck and pulls me closer.
“Yes,” she whispers, and that’s all I need.
My mouth captures the syllable before it finishes leaving her lips. My mind savors this moment as the sweetness of her mouth explodes against my tongue. Princess opens to me, and our tongues dance like reunited lovers. Her moans have me clutching her tighter, afraid she’s going to disappear. With each whimper that escapes her throat, my dick tightens, and my heart soars.
“God, Sawyer, I want you.”
Those are the sweetest fucking words I’ve ever heard.
“You’ve got me, Princess, you always have.”
She straddles me, and nothing has ever felt more right in my world. Mel sucks my lip ring into her mouth and tugs, lighting me on fire. Threading my fingers through her silky hair, I pull, testing her boundaries, and she whines with the sweetest pleasure. My cock jumps, and she grinds against me, taunting me with a hint of ecstasy to come.
Our kiss deepens, and our bodies become familiar with each other. Nothing is rushed, and the worries from before have disappeared. It’s just the two of us learning the intimacies of one another. I’ve never wanted to know what turns a woman on more than I do right now.
Releasing her hair, I glide my hands under her shirt. I’ve never enjoyed exploring a woman’s body more. Learning her curves by touch before actually visualizing them is my new favorite activity. There isn’t a curve I don’t want to touch, kiss, suck, or fuck, but getting there will be the best part.
When I cup her breasts, she sighs softly into my ear and bites my neck. She slides her tongue over the sting, and I thrust against her body, hissing my approval.
Tracing her skin with my tongue as my senses drown in her sweet scent, she cries out with need. I’ve discovered an audible drug. Her desire is my new favorite song.
“You’re so fucking hot, Princess, and I bet you’ll be even hotter coming when I’m buried balls deep inside of you.” Her eyes glaze over with lust, and she removes her shirt. My eyes are locked on the way the lace of her bra gives me a sneak peek of what lies beneath.
There isn’t much time to imagine it before she slides out of her bra.
“You talk a good game, Weston, now back it up.”
My mind and my cock war with each other between enjoying the view or finally making my Princess scream. My cock wins, and I flip her over before stripping out of my shirt and covering her body with mine. She pulls my lip ring between her teeth, and the sensation goes straight to my dick. When she releases me, I take her mouth with mine and lose myself in her kiss while our half-naked bodies touch for the first time.
“Sawyer …”
Her breathless cries motivate me to move from her mouth to her breasts. I think Princess likes pain as much as I do. When I tug her nipple between my teeth, she thrashes beneath me, confirming my suspicions. Her body melts when I suck her into my mouth, laving her nipple with my tongue. I could tease her like this for the rest of our lives and never get tired of it. When I repeat the process on her other breast, she bucks like a wild horse and my cock jerks at the thought of finally knowing what it’s like to have her this way.
“You’re so fucking feisty.” Slipping my hands into her yoga pants, I almost come when I feel how soaked she is through her skimpy panties. “You’re fucking drenched, Princess, and I haven’t even gotten to the best part.”
When I slide a finger inside her, I take in every pleasureful expression that crosses her face before her eyes roll back in her head.
“God, yes …”
A-fucking-men
As I work a second finger inside her, she clamps down hard, eliciting a groan from me.
“So fucking tight.”
I’m done. It’s been too long since I’ve gotten laid. All I want to do is taste her dripping pussy and drown my dick in her desire. Without taking my eyes off of hers, I slide her pants and panties off her curvaceous body. My heart catches in my chest when I see her tattoo. It’s so fucking sexy, all I want to do is trace the letters with my tongue, but it’s not for me—it was for him. I push down those emotions because there’s nothing I can do to change the past, but I sure as fuck can enjoy the present. When I kick off my pants, followed by my boxers, her eyes drop immediately to my cock, and if the rapid rise and fall of her chest is any indication, she likes what she sees.
