by D. Kelly
I stand and brush the grass off my pants. I’m going to be late if I don’t get going soon.
“Veronica’s getting married tomorrow. We’re all going, and the kids are excited to be in the wedding. It’s the first one since you married Mel. I’d be lying if I said I’m not worried. The past few weeks have been difficult for Mel. Being a part of the wedding, throwing showers for Veronica, doing all the mother-daughter things without you, Belle … God, she misses you like crazy. She writes you letters, did you know that? I wonder if she writes them to Noah too and just doesn’t say anything. I know it’s important for her to get it all out and it’s better than her hanging out in Noah’s closet, listening to all that depressing music. At least she hasn’t done that in a while. Thanks for listening, or for giving me the illusion that maybe you hear me. I love you both and miss you constantly. Everyone else is doing okay. I think you’d both be pleased. I’ll come visit again soon.”
When I get back to the car, I pick up my phone and check my notifications. There are a bunch from Facebook, and when I look at it, I have to blink back the tears. A memory has popped up from one of Noah’s posts a couple of years ago, and people are commenting about missing him. That’s not what gets me though—it’s the post itself.
There are times when Sawyer and I fight and the world seems upside down. Last night was one of those times. Sometimes it’s the dumbest shit that sets us off, and being on a bus with someone all day, every day can do that to anyone, I’m sure. The difference is, where something small might break a normal relationship, all it does to Sawyer and me is remind us how petty we’re being. There is nothing in this world or the next that could kill our bond. Maybe it’s a twin thing, a brother thing, or just a fucking best friend thing, but all I know is this: no matter the storm, Sawyer and I will weather it together, forgive each other’s transgressions, and always come out stronger on the other side.
P.S. For anyone who doesn’t already know, Sawyer is a serious MOFO when it comes to his Pop-Tarts. Don’t ever eat the last one.
By the time I finish reading, I’m laughing and crying. If this isn’t a fucking sign to go pick up Mel’s rings, I don’t know what is.
“I love you, Noah, and even though I don’t want it to be today, I can’t wait to hug you when I’m with you on the other side.”
Always Second-Best
Yesterday, I picked up the rings I bought and smiled the entire way home. After securing them in my safe, I couldn’t stop wondering if I’d actually be lucky enough for Mel to wear my ring one day.
During Veronica’s wedding today, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Amelia is a gorgeous woman, but when she’s emotional and wearing her vulnerabilities on her sleeve, her beauty intensifies. The wedding has been rough. Darren is trying to act happy, but he’s miserable without Belle. Veronica loves Darren and Cadence with all her heart. She’s even encouraged him to move on, but Darren and I are a lot alike—we fall hard and remain loyal. Sex is one thing, but I’m not sure if anyone will get Darren’s heart again, at least not anytime soon.
I tried putting on a happy face in hopes of lifting Mel’s spirits, but my efforts failed. There wasn’t anything I could do to keep her from missing Noah tonight. No longer in the mood to ravish her body, that’s already eternally marked with his name, we went our separate ways when we came home. I’m in the garage, listening to music, and having an emotional breakdown as I clutch onto a photo of the three of us. Today is one of those days where life seems so unfair.
“Never Say Never” by The Fray is playing when Darren comes downstairs. This song reminds me so much of Mel and me.
“You’ve been crying,” he points out as he sits across from me.
“Rough night. You going out?”
He pulls the photo from my hands and looks at it before placing it on the desk behind him. “Yeah, like you said, rough night. Mel is worried about you.”
“I’m not so sure about that. She had plenty of time to worry about me earlier when she was lost in her thoughts of Noah.”
Darren narrows his eyes at me, “That’s fucked up, Sawyer. Today was shitty for all of us. She loves you, but she’s always going to love him too.”
“Yeah, I know, and I’m always going to be her second choice. Maybe I should get a tattoo—Mel’s second choice.”
He shakes his head. “You’re in a shitty mood, and I’m not going to sit here and argue with you. I only came down because I got an alert from Belle’s blog and was wondering if you read it. If not, maybe you should. It might change your mind on how you’re thinking right now.”
“Why did she post now? It’s late. No wait, let me guess, it’s because she’s missing Noah.”
I know I’m being a dick, but I can’t help it. Darren stands and looks down at me. “Maybe because she came down here to talk to you and instead decided to post her feelings. Read the blog, Sawyer, and take it for what it is. There is a beautiful woman waiting upstairs for you in your bed. Do you have any idea how fucking lucky you are? I’d kill to have Belle back in my arms for another minute, let alone the rest of my life.”
“She’d probably kill for more time with Noah.”
Darren kicks the chair, and I flinch. I’ve pushed him too far, and I know it. “So would any of us. You can’t fault her for that!”
Leaning forward, I prop my head in my hands. “I don’t. I’d give my life to have Noah back. Tonight was just a wake-up call, Darren. I thought I could do this. I thought I could love her and forget about the past as much as possible, but I’m never going to be anything other than her second choice, and fuck … there is nothing I can say to make this sound better, but for once I want to come first with her. Just one fucking time.”
Darren pats my shoulder. “It’s been a long, emotional day, Sawyer. When you’re ready, read her post. I think it will help. Maybe you don’t feel like it counts because she ended up with Noah, but she did kiss you first, she gave you her number first, she fought with you first, and the sexual tension in that room that night was yours and hers, not hers and Noah’s. I’m sure this isn’t the best example either, but you also knew she was pregnant first. I’ve always thought that meant something more significant, but I never could figure out what. Sometimes, to find the answers we seek, we have to remove ourselves from a situation and look outside the box. Start looking, Sawyer. If you don’t, you’re going to throw away the best thing to ever happen to you.”
When Darren leaves, I think about his words for so long I end up falling asleep on the couch. In the morning, I wake up uncomfortable and feeling like a complete asshole. After stretching, I pull up Belle’s blog and read Mel’s post.
Hey, Slammed Family!
This late-night post is more for me than you. However, you are all my lifeline to Belle right now so there is no one I wanted to share it with more.
Today, our mama got married and Belle wasn’t here for it. Yeah, it’s been one of those days. Time is a strange thing, an infinite loop of happiness and sadness. Today was one of those strange times. Watching someone get married is one of the best feelings in the world, especially when it is someone you’ve hoped would find their happy ending for a long time.
Our mama deserves to be happy, especially after these past few difficult years. Next month will mark two years since we lost them. Can you believe that? In some ways it seems like yesterday, and in others it seems like a lifetime ago.
Tonight, I missed Noah more than I have in a while. His loss hits me at random times but at the wedding—my first wedding since ours—it hit me hard. It hit Darren and Sawyer hard, too, but for different reasons.
Darren went to his mother-in-law’s wedding without his bride. Even though he and Belle never officially tied the knot, Darren is family in every way. The last wedding he went to was mine, with Belle by his side.
And Sawyer, well … this is a bit more complicated and I hope you all will bear with me because I have some explaining to do. Today was also Sawyer’s first wedding since my wedding
to Noah. The memories and guilt plagued us both just below our happiness. You see, it’s time to come clean with you, Slammed Family. Sawyer and I are a couple now.
This may surprise some of you, probably most of you, because we keep our relationship extremely close to the belt. For those of you who think it’s wrong and we’re assholes, join the club. There are a few family members who are right there with you. And at times, Sawyer and I are with you, too.
The rest of the time we are happy. We’re in love, and no matter how wrong it may seem, I would have never made it through the past two years without him. Sawyer is an amazing father to Nate and loves him purely, in a way no one other than Noah or I could. Nate has the love of a father, an uncle, and someone who keeps the memory of his own father alive daily all wrapped in one incredible package.
Why tell you this now in a midnight confession after half a bottle of wine? Because I just saw something that broke my heart and I don’t know how to fix it. I thought maybe, by telling the world my secret, it could somehow help ease the hurt both Sawyer and I carry around.
If any of you have ever walked in total darkness and had to find your way to the light, you’ll understand my post. Losing Noah and Belle was the darkest time in my life. Having Sawyer with me to not only walk me through but understand my pain makes getting to the light almost bearable. I’m still not out of the dark completely, but I’m working my way through as best as I can.
On a lighter note, I want to personally thank all of you for your support with the launch of The Noah Weston Foundation for Kind Acts. Your donations continue to pour in, as do your notes of love and support. You made the release of his EP beyond amazing. I used to struggle with releasing his album to me—to the world—but now, every time I hear one of those songs, it makes me happy to know his fans are experiencing the joy that was Noah Weston. He had the purest heart of anyone I’ve ever known.
I’m pretty sure his son will be a close second, followed by Sawyer. These Weston men are a caliber of their own. I consider myself blessed to be a part of their world. In closing tonight, I leave you with a picture of the ring bearer and the flower girl. Could these kids of ours be any cuter?
Much love to you all.
Mel
Jesus, what did I do? Princess poured her fucking heart out online last night and admitted our relationship, and I hid in the garage and pouted all night like a little kid. When I rush upstairs to our room, she isn’t there. Maybe she ended up going back to her old room last night. I know how insecure she can be at times. Quickly, I hop in the shower and throw on some clean clothes. I’ll convince her to come to breakfast with me, and maybe we can drive up to Santa Barbara for the day and take the kids to the zoo. They’d love that, and it would be good for us to get out of the house and have some fun.
Quietly, I open the door to Noah’s room and look around. She’s not in bed. With a heavy heart, I turn toward the closed closet. The light is on, and as I inch closer, the muffled sounds of her cries escape. I back out of the room as quietly as I came in. My heart aches for her and for us. After peeking into the nursery to check on the kids, I grab my keys and take off. I’ve got a lot to think about today.
Over the next two weeks, I avoid Mel as much as possible. I’m trying to let go of the anger that has been mounting inside of me by filling my time with meetings and working on the next charity EP release.
The day after the wedding I drove for hours before ending up at my house by the creek. As I sat in the gazebo, I thought of all the things I want out of life. At the top of that list is a home. The beach house has always been just that—a house. I want a place where my family lives. Where we make notches on the walls to chart our kid’s growth. A home where crayon drawings live on painted walls instead of paper because children follow their imaginations instead of rules. A place where fifty years from now my wife and I will reminisce fondly about all the memories we made there. I want that with Mel, but she has to want it too.
Unfortunately, she’s regressed these last two weeks. All she does is spend her days in Noah’s closet with his ghost. I hear her say his name, and it pisses me off. I know it shouldn’t, but why can’t I be the one she talks to? Instead of his closet, why can’t she find her solace in my arms? Wherever she is, that’s where I want to be, but it isn’t the same for her, and lately that’s all I can think about.
I knock on Darren’s door, and when he calls out for me to enter, I close it behind me.
“What’s up, Sawyer?”
I take a seat on the chair next to his bed. “Do you think Veronica would take Cadence a day early? I want to leave for the cabin tomorrow.”
He sits up against his headboard with a furrowed brow. “I’m sure she would, but why?”
“I’m giving Mel an ultimatum before we leave. I can’t do this anymore, Darren.”
“Do what?”
“Live in Noah’s shadow. I don’t want to rush her, but I can’t live like this anymore. His room looks the same as the day he died. This house hasn’t changed one bit since the day she moved in, except for the nursery. I’m not getting any younger. I want someone to build a home and a family with me. This house is amazing, but if you didn’t know there were kids in it, would you guess a family lives here?”
Darren scoots over and dangles his legs off the edge of the bed. “There are toys, but overall no, I wouldn’t. Maybe that’s on all of us though. Maybe Mel doesn’t feel comfortable making changes.”
“Maybe she doesn’t, but shouldn’t she want to live in a place where she does? Shouldn’t she want to spend her life with someone who makes her want those things? Because I want those things, Darren, and I want them with her, but I have a sinking feeling she doesn’t feel the same way.”
When I lean back in the chair, he crosses the room and looks out at the ocean. “I’m not sure pushing her is going to achieve the outcome you want.”
“I’m not sure it will either, but if I don’t try, she’ll think what we have is enough. It’s not enough anymore, not for me.”
Darren sighs and turns back toward me. “I’m not comfortable being in the middle of this. Mel is my friend, and I love her, and she’s been miserable for weeks because of the tension between you two. Can’t you talk to her and explain how you’re feeling?”
“I will tomorrow before we leave. My mom is spending the night tonight to work on foundation business with Mel. Tomorrow, she’s taking the kids to the zoo in the morning. While they’re gone, I plan to talk to Mel. When I’m finished, we’ll spend the night at J’s and head up to the cabin the next morning.”
I look over at the nightstand at the picture of Darren, Belle, and Cadence from Noah’s wedding. They’re all smiling, even Cadence, and I’m slightly envious. More than anything, I wish Belle were still here with her family, but I also wish I had a photo like this with my family. Mel has shied away from pictures with the three of us, and I understand it, but it makes me feel like her dirty little secret. Or even worse, not good enough to be Nate’s stand-in father figure or the man she loves.
“I don’t like it, especially keeping this from Mel, but I won’t get in your way. I’ll be ready tomorrow. For your sake, I hope you know what you’re doing, Sawyer.”
“Me too. If anything, maybe she’ll be so mad at me she’ll start writing again. She’s almost all the way back to us, Darren, I can feel it. Either this will bring her all the way back, or she’ll continue living in the past. The only thing I know is that I can’t continue living in a constant state of denial. It’s not fair to either of us.”
After talking to Darren, I called J and made plans for us to stay at his place tomorrow. Once that’s taken care of, I stopped off briefly at the florist to pick up my standard monthly flower order and am now visiting with Noah and Belle. Coming here brings me peace, and right now I need all the clarity I can get.
“Hey, guys. It’s just a quick visit today because we’re heading out tomorrow for our yearly camping trip. Everyone is coming except for Rob and Dad.
Rob’s new baby is due any day, and he doesn’t want to leave Diane. Neither does Dad. I know you guys can understand that.”
The sun dips lower in the sky, and I know I don’t have a lot of time.
“I’m about to give Mel an ultimatum. I’m sure you both would think it’s shitty, but I can’t keep living my life in limbo, loving her and hoping one day she loves me the same. Thoughts of my future with Mel occupy so much of my time I’m surprised I get anything done. I picture our kids, birthdays, and anniversaries, and I want it so badly that it absolutely kills me when I come back down to reality.
“I think deep down she wants it too and is scared to reach for it. That’s where my ultimatum comes in, I guess. I’m going to push her to fight for me, for us. If she can’t do that, it’s time to let her go and put my focus into someone who will. I spent a lot of my life fucking up and being an asshole. I think you’d both be proud of me because I’m not that man anymore. Losing you has pushed me to be a better version of myself. I’ve grown in ways I’d have never expected, and I’m proud of myself. You’d be proud of me Noah. I stepped up, and I kept my promise. It wasn’t hard. Nate and Mel are the center of my universe. The hard part will be backing away if she can’t do this. Not from Nate, never from him, but I’m going to have to start letting Mel go.”
It hurts to say the words, but saying them to Noah makes it worse.
“I’m sorry if I failed you, but your video said you want me to be happy. If I can’t get Mel to be happy with me, I’ve got to find it somewhere else because I finally believe I deserve it. I’ve gotta go, but I love both of you, and I’ll be back soon to fill you in on the camping trip and Mel’s choice.”
When I get back into the car, “Speeding Cars” by Walking On Cars is playing, and all I can do is shake my head and turn down the volume. There are so many elements of this song that remind me of the three of us, and once again, I wonder if Noah is trying to tell me something.
