by D. Kelly
Eli refills his glass before answering. “There isn’t much to say. We were five guys from the U.S. who could sing and dance. Our label was our puppet master. We all got along well enough and check in with each other every so often, but there won’t be any reunions in our future. Out of the five of us, I was the only one could play an instrument, who could write music, and who didn’t blow through his money the second it hit my bank account.”
“What was the last straw?” Jordan asks.
“When it came time to renew our contract, I wasn’t in a great headspace. It was about a year after Mel and I broke up and I’d spent that entire year writing music. That was also the year Joey died. I took his death hard. He was Mel’s dad, but fuck, that man was a good friend of mine. He mentored me and spent time with me. Hell, maybe that’s why I’m so into helping Shawn, paying it forward I guess.”
“You left your band because of Joey?” Now it’s my turn to step in and ask, but part of me is still in awe he had a relationship with the guy. I’ve always idolized Joey, and I was pretty pissed I never got to meet him, especially now.
“No, I just had a snowball effect that year, and I wasn’t feeling being part of a boy band anymore. I was almost twenty and the guys in my band were only in it for a paycheck. Things got tense, two of them were in a relationship and one of them was quite the homophobe. Then, Darius knocked up three girls in less than a year. He and I are the closest, and it was a bad scene for him. He needed to get out and figure himself out before he had more kids or worse. Breaking up the band was the best thing I ever did. Maybe if we’d been close like you guys, I would have thought differently.”
The room falls silent. No wonder Mel and Eli were close and she toured with him. It sounds like she and Darius were his only friends. That would suck in a touring situation even though I’ve heard similar stories more often than not.
“Seriously, I didn’t mean to fuck up the vibe. You guys asked, and I answered. Can we get back to what we’re supposed to be doing? How do you want to propose to Mel, Sawyer?”
“Last night, Eli made me realize I’ve been asking a lot of Mel without giving her anything in return. I just assumed she knows I want to marry her and build a life. We’ve talked about kids and family enough, but I’ve never actually made any concrete promises to her. That changes now.”
“About fucking time,” Jordan calls out to a chorus of laughter.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Here’s what I’m thinking. Anyone ever watch The Dating Game?”
Wyatt, Darren, Jordan, and Tony all laugh, but Tony is the one who speaks up. “Only all the time because you used to watch the reruns on cable.”
“Sawyer did? Mr. Anti-Relationship?” Mac teases good naturedly.
“All the time,” Jordan confirms. “In his defense, he thought it was hilarious that people who didn’t know dick about each other would go on T.V. show and try to win prizes.”
“Which is true, and yesterday Darren asked me a question. What would Mel say if someone asked her if she loved me? It got me thinking. I’ve been a lot of talk and not a lot of action. I want her to know I acted before we ever got home. So here’s what I’m thinking, and I’m going to need all of your help to pull it off.”
Over the next few hours, we put our heads together. The plan is to go home tomorrow if the roads clear instead of staying that extra day. The guys are going to go back to the house with me so everything will look normal, and once they leave me, they’ll go to the house by the creek and set up everything I need to propose to Mel, including all the cards we made tonight.
For the first time, I’m glad I let Rory and her friends use the house to prepare for a rally last year. They left all the poster boards and supplies in the closet. Even if she’s mad at us, Rory just helped me pull off my proposal to Mel. Maybe someday, if we get past our riff, I’ll tell her.
As I’m about to crawl into bed, my phone rings.
“Is everything all right, Mom?”
“Calm down, Sawyer, everything is fine. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute.”
I know that tone. She’s about to butt into my life, but she wouldn’t be my mom if she didn’t do it every once in a while.
“Okay, what’s up?”
“Honey, I read Mel’s story. I just finished the first set of pages.”
Wow … I’m surprised she let her read them.
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Sawyer, that’s why I’m calling. No matter how old you get, you’re always going to be my son. Nothing within these pages is going to change that, nothing. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you sooner. I knew you had feelings for Mel the first time you mentioned her to me. The same way I knew Noah did as well. Perhaps I should have talked to you both back then and brought your issues to light. I’ve always wondered if anything would be different if I had.”
I can’t stand the sadness in her voice.
“It wasn’t your responsibility, Mom. We’re grown men, and we had to work it out. It was … God, Mom, at times it was really difficult, but ever since we lost Noah, I know I wouldn’t change a thing. Maybe I would have been nicer, made more of an effort to not be so moody, but I’d never change the two of them. Imagine if we didn’t have Nate or Mel in our lives. However, it all happened the way it was supposed to. Except for losing Noah … I’ll never understand that.”
“Noah would say that was fate. None of us like it, but your brother did the best he could to prepare in case his worst fears came to fruition. There isn’t a day that passes I don’t miss him, but I also thank God for keeping you here with us. Someone on the other side knew losing two children in the same crash would have irrevocably changed me.” She pauses, and I wonder if she’s crying.
“Losing Noah didn’t change you?”
“Of course, it did. I work hard each day to push through, and I do it for all of you. Mostly, I do it for Noah because I know it’s what he would want. With both of you gone, Sawyer, I don’t think I’d have the will to fight. Now, this conversation is turning morbid and depressing, and that’s not at all why I called.”
I chuckle lightly, mostly to ease her pain. “Are you still at the house?”
“I am, Mel had a rough night. Tomorrow is going to be difficult for her.”
“Why?”
Mom sighs, and I can picture her looking out her window at the ocean. She loves our house almost as much as Noah did. “She left off at the crash tonight before she cried herself to sleep. I haven’t read her new pages, she hasn’t offered them to me yet, but if you didn’t get them, that’s probably why. Between the wine and her grief, she passed out.”
Dammit. What I wouldn’t give to drive home right now. If it weren’t for the road closures, I would. “I should have never left.”
“If you want my opinion, I think you did the right thing. Mel loves you, and she’s fighting for you and for the family I think she envisions with you. I’ll make sure she’s okay, and I’ll stay here until you get home. Your dad loved that photo of you and Nate fishing you sent earlier; he said it was the highlight of his week. He’s sorry he couldn’t be there, but he wanted to be here for Diane.”
Thinking of our fishing adventure brings a smile to my face. I hope it’s the first of many adventures together. “It’s okay, Mom. I know he wanted to come. Next time, we’ll all make a weekend out of it and take the boat out.”
“That sounds like a plan,” she says with a yawn.
“Hey, Mom … so you really could tell I had feelings for Mel way back then?”
She laughs. “I could tell, but I’m not sure anyone else could. Even reading Mel’s pages, I’m not sure she even recognized there was something special between the two of you. Her words brought it all home for me.”
“And you’re not upset at any of it?”
“No, and let me tell you why. For some reason, people are conditioned to think love is something you can do or not do at will. In my eyes, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Nothing in the world is more na
tural than love. Sure, some lines shouldn’t be crossed, but sometimes, even when you know it’s wrong, nothing that can stop the feeling. I like to think people find love on a cellular level, that you’re drawn to people you’re compatible with, maybe even your soul mate from past lives. The only thing I know for sure is, love will find you when you least expect it and you never even have to be looking for it.” Mom yawns again, and when I see it’s after two in the morning, I understand why.
“Get some sleep, Mom. Thank you for the advice and for staying with Mel. Most of all, thanks for loving me, even though I’m a fuckup most of the time.”
That earns me a genuine belly laugh from her. “I don’t think it’s quite that drastic, but even if you were a fuckup, I created you. How could I not love you? As Nate gets older, you’ll understand.”
Her words silence me, and I have no idea how to respond. I know she wants me to raise Nate, but I never expected her to consider me his parent. She speaks again as if she’s reading my mind.
“Biology doesn’t make a parent, Sawyer. I know a thing or two about raising a sibling’s child. It took me a long time to come to terms that Jordan is as much mine as he was Carol’s. He might be my nephew, but he’s one hundred percent my son. You are just as much Nate’s father as Noah, and don’t let anyone take that away from you.”
“Goodnight, Mom. I love you.” I barely choke out the words as tears sting my eyes. I’d never really thought about what she and dad went through. Jordan was seven when he came to us, and he was emotionally damaged. My parents never hesitated to step in. Now that I think about it, there was a lot of arguing between Mom and Javier’s side of the family over custody.
“I love you too.”
After hanging up with Mom, I check my email and find one from Mel. She must have been wrecked when she sent it because it simply says, “Part Two.”
I reply back with a link to “Hard Love” by NeedToBreathe and then dive into her pages.
Home is Where the Heart Is
After waking up later than I wanted to, I grab a cup of coffee and email Mel all the things I should have said to her before. Maybe it’s easier now that I’ve read the second part of her story and understand more about her feelings. Or maybe it’s because I’ve made up my mind and I’m ready to show her how serious I am about the two of us. Whatever the case may be, I open my heart in my message.
Hey Princess,
Wow. You’ve literally left me breathless. Your writing has always been good, that’s why we hired you after all, but this … it’s intense. While reading your pages, I realized a lot of things, the biggest of all being, I owe you an apology. I thought by giving you an ultimatum it would make you realize all the things I already know. What I’ve realized, instead, is we all go at our own pace and I’m a world-class asshole for making you try to move faster than what you’re ready for. You didn’t fall out of love, it was ripped away from you, and I know that better than anyone. I’m sorry for putting my dreams ahead of your fears. That’s not to say I don’t still wish you could make a decision because I do–and I think it’s what is best for us–but I’d never leave you for not being ready. Love isn’t about being on the same page, it’s about compromise and understanding. I’m sorry you’re going through this alone and that I pushed you into it. If you can’t do this now, if you’re not ready, then stop. We’ll talk when I get home, but my love isn’t going anywhere and neither am I. I promise. Sometimes, I forget this isn’t just about us falling in love and the consequences of that, it’s also about you being okay with loving someone else. Especially when that person is me.
After I send the message, I find out the guys have packed up most of our stuff. Darren notices me looking around and comes to sit with me.
“I got your text this morning that you’d be up late because you were reading Mel’s pages. We thought we’d get things ready in case they open the roads. It looks promising for later this afternoon. The sun is out, and the snow is starting to melt. How was the rest of her story?”
“It’s not over, and I would like to get back as soon as possible. She’s writing about the crash today and everything since. This could make or break us, Darren.”
“Nothing is going to break you two,” he says as my phone chimes with her incoming reply.
Hey yourself,
Sawyer, please don’t doubt my love for you. My hesitation has less to do with you and more to do with my own fears and insecurities. But I don’t need to explain them to you; you know them better than anyone and recognize them before I do. Your words mean the world to me, but so do your actions. You’ve been a great friend, a wonderful partner, and the best father figure to Nate. No one, other than Noah, could love him as much as you do. It’s time for me to catch up to life. To know if I can truly give myself to you as freely as I gave myself to Noah. I want that more than anything, which is why I’m trying to claw my way through the last of the darkness so I can live in the light with you. Don’t worry about me either. I’m not alone. Karen, Anna, and Rory are here. Yes, even Rory. It’s time to bridge this gap between all of us. Sawyer, I’m a mess, but thank you for loving me in spite of it all. I want you to read this as I go, so I’m attaching what I have so far of the last part of the book. This part hurts most of all so you might want a drink. I have a feeling the next bits will be better, though. Have faith in me just a little bit longer—I hope it will be worth it.
My heart feels a thousand pounds lighter after reading her email. We’re going to be okay. If only I can get home today, we’ll be engaged before the end of the night. At least, that’s my hope.
“I’m guessing by that grin on your face, everything is good?”
I look across the table at Darren and nod. “Yeah, everything is going to be okay.”
“Told ya,” he says while Nate runs in squealing.
“Daddy Sawyer! Uncle Eli’s a monster.” As Eli rounds the corner, Nate launches into my arms laughing like crazy.
“Uh-oh, are we going to have to tell Mommy that Uncle Eli is a monster?”
Nate’s expression grows solemn as he nods. “We save Mommy from the monster.”
Eli bends down, scoops Nate out of my arms, and covers him with kisses and raspberries on his belly. “I’m not a monster! You’re the monster!”
“No, I not, you are!” Nate squeals as Eli runs around with him. The whole scene makes me miss Noah something fierce.
“Can you guys keep an eye on him? I’m going to read the rest of these pages and catch up until she either sends me more or we get the okay to head home.”
“We’ve got him, Sawyer, go do your thing,” Eli says as he pretends to be an airplane and flies Nate out of the room.
I’m about three-quarters of the way through Mel’s new pages when Wyatt comes to my room. “Let’s go get your girl. The roads are clear.”
I’ve barely closed my computer, and everyone is already locking up the house and loading up the cars. I shoot Mel a quick text with “On the Road Again” by Willie Nelson and toss Darren the keys to my truck.
Reading about the accident is fucking with my emotions, and I can’t read while I drive anyway.
The plan is for Warren and Sam to head to the store for strings of white lights and extension cords and start hanging them up. Everyone else is coming back to the house with me before heading over to help them. That will allow Wyatt to drop off Jake with Anna too.
Once I finish reading and close my laptop, Darren flips on the radio. I quickly send Mel the link for “1000 Times” by Sara Bareilles, hoping she’ll understand I finished the pages she sent me. Almost immediately, she replies. I didn’t want to pull her away from her writing, but if she’s paying attention to her phone, she must be expecting to hear from me. When I open the link, it’s “Your Arms Feel Like Home” by 3 Doors Down. I’m so anxious to get home, I can barely stand it. I hate that I left her and put her through this, but there is this huge part of me that is beyond excited to know where our road is going to lead us after tonight. I
’m also scared, apprehensive and freaked out. Never in a million years did I think I’d propose to her this soon, but Eli was right. There is never going to be a perfect time, and if I continue to let moments pass us by, I’m just wasting time we can never reclaim.
Darren’s inner drummer makes his appearance as he pounds a beat on the steering wheel. “This is what we should have been singing on the way up.” He turns up the radio, and I start singing along with “Only You” by Parson James.
Upbeat music is exactly what I should have been playing, not the sad, depressing stuff I got lost in, the same stuff Mel loses herself in so easily. Maybe I should start doing some songwriting, make it a new goal to put some happier words back into the world.
As we get closer to home, Darren has me shoot Veronica a text to let her know we’re almost there. She’s going to drop Cadence at the house for us.
“Relax, Sawyer, we’re going to be there in less than five minutes,” Wyatt reassures me from the back seat. I keep shifting around in my seat, but I can’t help it. I’ll feel better when I see her.
When we finally pull up in the driveway, she’s standing in the doorway talking to Veronica, and I can finally exhale. We’re here, and she’s here, and soon enough I’m going to try to put a ring on her finger.
Jordan pulls in right behind us, and after I get out of the car, I get Nate out of his seat. We’re standing off to the side of the car talking last-minute details to Eli and J when Nate sets his eyes on Mel. He points and squirms until I finally put him down and he runs straight for her arms.
I close the distance between us as they talk. Mel’s eyes are alight with excitement, her love for Nate shining through. His attention is fleeting though.
“Go ahead, get Cadence, I know you probably missed her more than me,” she says with a smile as Nate runs to his best friend.
“It’s okay, Princess, I missed you enough for both of us.”
