by D. Kelly
I think back to when we first met and all the ways I fucked up.
“I’m not sure I’m the best example for that.”
“Sawyer,” she caresses my cheek, “you are the best man I know. You’re the perfect example for them. Not only can you teach them how to act, you know how to teach them what not to do. Our children are lucky to have you, and so am I.”
“I love you, Princess.”
“And I love you, always.”
Tonight is Nate’s sixth birthday, and it’s been six years since we lost Noah. Mel is inside putting the little ones to bed, and I’m in the gazebo, monitoring the treehouse from afar and reflecting on life. When Noah left us, I never imagined at the end of all the heartbreak I'd have love, especially not with Mel.
If you asked the me I am today if I would have been with Mel without having Noah’s permission, I honestly couldn’t tell you. I’d like to think I was a good enough person to never have traveled down that road. At the same time, I hope I would have said fuck it and gone for it because she is the best thing to ever come into my life, and I firmly believe Noah would have forgiven me.
Nights like these, I miss him most of all. Noah was the closest person to me, so it makes sense I will always miss him. Mel understands that more than anyone; she knows us both better than most people ever will.
Amelia has become my very best friend and filled the hole Noah left. Don't get me wrong, no one could ever replace Noah, but whether we like it or not, time keeps going and people grow and evolve. Someone would have eventually stepped into that role in some capacity. I’m just happy it’s my Princess, and I can honestly say I think Noah would be too.
Some nights, when I'm outside in the gazebo, under the stars, I swear I feel his presence. The first time I heard his laugh from the treehouse, I thought I was losing my mind. I actually climbed up there, and what I found was even better.
Nate and Cady were curled up in sleeping bags with flashlights telling jokes and sharing secrets. Their laughter was so much like their parents’, there is no way Belle and Noah weren't with them. In fact, I felt it so strongly, I left without them seeing me. I didn't want to intrude on their time with their parents. That moment was for Noah and Belle, not me.
I’m wishing for that tonight, for my son but also for myself. Something to give me a sign on the happiest and saddest day of the year—a laugh from the treehouse or the whisper of his voice on the wind. Cadence, Nate, and Jake are laughing and giggling like crazy up in the treehouse. The stars shine bright in the sky, frogs croak down in the creek, and the crickets chirp all around us.
It takes me back to a time in our lives when things were simpler. Where the only thing Noah, Jordan, and I were worried about was if our parents were going to make us go home early. Grandma and Grandpa’s house was always a magical place.
“Those were good times.” The voice is clear as day in my head, but as I look around, I’m all alone. Maybe this place is magical after all, or maybe I’m hallucinating because I miss him so much. Whichever it is, I don’t even care because hearing him, even in my head, makes me feel less alone, especially today.
“There you are,” Mel says, carrying the baby monitor and joining me on the bench. “It’s the strangest thing. I was walking down here and heard a voice. When I looked around, no one was there. Were you talking to yourself?”
She heard him too. Not that I’ve ever doubted it, but in this moment, I know Mel and Nate survived that crash to save me.
“No, but I was wishing for Noah, and I swear I heard him. I thought it was in my head.”
“What did you hear, Sawyer?”
“‘Those were good times.’ What did you hear, Princess?”
“‘Be good to each other.’ I thought you were telling someone about Noah’s wedding speech. I’m not sure if I’m freaked out right now or really fucking happy.”
I pull her close and kiss the top of her head as we stare into the sky. “Always choose happy, Princess. It’s how we’re supposed to be.”
“Hey, Dad.” Nate drops his backpack on the floor and tosses his keys on the table just inside my office.
“How was school?” I ask as he sits across from me.
He flashes me a crooked grin and shrugs his shoulders. My heart still does a double-take at his uncanny resemblance to Noah. I thank my lucky stars we still have the best part of him here with us. Nate’s looks aren’t the only thing like Noah—he has his heart and soul. Mel says it’s in large part due to me, but it’s not; that’s all them.
“It was school. I’m just happy it’s almost summer. Where’s Mom?” he asks, looking around.
“She’s at the foundation getting the summer interns picked out with Aunt Rory and Grandma.”
“Cool. Do I still get to help too?”
Nate has worked with us at the foundation since he was big enough to participate. It’s his legacy. “Of course, it’s your dad’s foundation, and one day it will be yours to run if you choose to.”
“Does it ever bother you? You know … Mom putting her time and attention into the foundation for my dad?”
Where is all this coming from?
“You know it doesn’t. What’s going on? Talk to me, Nathaniel.”
He groans and knows I mean business when I use his full name. “It’s complicated. How did you know you loved Mom?”
It all becomes clear now. He asked me this question last year too, and I told him about Mel’s books. He didn’t seem ready then, but he knows they’re his when he wants to read them. For now, I’ll give him a condensed answer, similar to the one I gave him last year.
“I didn’t know it was love at first, but I knew no one had ever made me feel like she did. By the time I realized what I was feeling, she was in love with your dad.”
“And then what?”
He knows this story backward and forward, but now that he’s seventeen and old enough to experience these feelings, maybe he needs a new perspective on it.
With an unstoppable smile, I lean back in my chair. “Then I watched a beautiful love story unfold before my eyes. Your mom and Noah were magical.”
He blinks rapidly before whispering, “You and Mom are magical, Dad.”
“I don’t disagree. Sometimes, love might pass you by, but then fate has other plans and brings it back to you in unexpected and unimaginable ways. I love your mom and you kids with all my heart, and I work really hard to make sure you know it and feel it too. There is never a day I don’t miss my brother though, and I hope none of you kids ever have to know what that feels like.”
Nate sits up straighter. “Dad, we know it, and we absolutely feel it. I’m sure Noah would have been the best dad, and I know he loved me, but you’re who I know, and I’m lucky to have you.”
This kid …
“I think Cadence likes someone,” he blurts out, and his cheeks redden with his words. That’s one of the traits he got from Mel.
“Is that a problem for you? I thought you and Cady were just friends?”
“We are … we were? I uh … I kissed her a few weeks ago.”
I try to hide my smile. We had bets on how old they’d be. I just won. “Does Uncle Darren know?”
His eyes widen in fear. “I hope not. He’d kick my ass.”
I want to laugh but instead keep my expression neutral. “Okay, we’ll circle back to that. What happened between the kiss and now?”
He slumps down in his chair looking mortified. “God, Dad, I don’t know. I’m an idiot. You know Cady. She’s so cool and kickback all the time. After it happened, she acted like it was no big deal, so I just let her?”
When I chuckle, he throws me the evil eye. “It’s not funny.” He straightens again and crosses his arms. He’s Noah’s son for sure, but at times like this, there’s no doubt he’s mine through and through.
“Cady is so much like her mom. Belle was the same way. Cool, aloof, and she had such a shining personality. Belle would never admit her feelings for Uncle Darren until he was li
terally on bended knee with a ring.”
“So what do I do? What would you do?”
“Which me do you want to answer that question? Seventeen-year-old me? Twenty-eight-year-old me? Or me now?”
“Now. Dad, this is where your experience is supposed to come in handy.”
Sarcastic just like his mom.
“Get your girl, Nate. If you want Cady, talk to her and tell her how you feel. Run, don’t walk.”
“What would seventeen-year-old you say?”
“He would have moved on to the next girl and never looked back.”
“And the twenty-eight-year-old?”
This kid … he’s so much like Noah.
“He would have watched her go and kicked himself for it every day.”
“What do you think Noah would have told me to do?”
“That’s easy. No matter the age, he would have told you to be honest with yourself about your true feelings and then be honest with her. He was always smarter than me when it came to girls.”
Nate nods and picks at his fingers. “What if I’m scared?”
“Love is scary, Nate. We have to give the most vulnerable parts of ourselves to someone else. It’s never not going to be scary. You’re lucky in this instance because Cady is your best friend. If she doesn’t feel the same, it may hurt, but she won’t hurt you on purpose. You’ll always be the best of friends, and that will never change.”
“I asked her to homecoming today, and she said yes. That’s a good sign, right? Why did you want to circle back to Uncle Darren? Is he going to kill me?”
I laugh; I can’t help it. This poor kid is terrified. “It’s a great sign. I have a confession to make. We’ve all had an ongoing bet since you guys were about five years old.”
“What kind of bet?” His eyes dance with amusement.
“How old the two of you would be when you kissed for the first time.”
“Seriously? Who won?”
“I did. Uncle Darren thought you’d be a lot more advanced and you would have kissed her at twelve. Mom had fifteen, Uncle Wyatt had sixteen, and Uncle Jordan had eighteen.”
“Uncle Darren had twelve?”
“Well, to be fair, Aunt Belle had you two married off at conception, so to him, waiting until twelve for a kiss seemed a long way out.”
Nate pushes his hair out of his face and flashes me a grin. “Why did you say seventeen?”
“That’s easy. You’re Noah’s son, and he was always cautious with his heart. You might have my attitude and charm at times, but you think things through and consider the feelings of others in all your decisions like your dad.”
He immediately gets quiet, and it’s like I can see the wheels turning in his head, just like Noah’s used to.
“Hello!” Mel calls out. Nate jumps up, and I follow.
“We’re in here!” I reply, and Nate comes around the desk and hugs me. He’s always been affectionate.
“I’m probably not supposed to say this, but I’m glad you’re my dad. I never knew Noah to miss him, but I’d really miss you if you weren’t here.”
As I swallow over the lump in my throat, I hug him back. “You never have to censor your thoughts with me, Nate. I spent a lot of years saying and doing things I probably shouldn’t have.”
He pulls away and smiles up at me. “Yeah, I know, that’s probably where I get it from. I love you, Dad.”
He’s pulling his backpack off the ground when Mel opens the office door.
“How was school, Nate?”
He hugs her hello like always, and love shines in her eyes. “It was good. Noelle stayed at the library, but I’ll go back and pick her up at five. By the way, Cadence is going to homecoming with me, so we’re going to need to go shopping.”
“Okay, let me know when and I’ll take you. I’m glad you’re going together.”
He grins. “Yeah, me too. I’m gonna grab a snack and do my homework.”
Mel closes the door behind him and squeals into my shirt.
“Excited much?”
She punches me on the shoulder. “Stop, this is huge! I’ve waited seventeen years for this to happen. Cadence texted me and asked if I would take her homecoming shopping, but she didn’t say she was going with Nate! I can’t believe she held out on me.”
“She probably wanted you to hear it from him.” I lean against the built-in bookcase and wait for her to realize I’ve got a secret. When her eyes finally meet mine, they narrow. “What are you grinning about?”
“Nothing much … just that I won the bet.”
The way my wife’s eyes widen and her mouth drops open is comical. She’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. It’s hard to believe we’ve been together over fifteen years already.
“When did it happen?”
“A couple of weeks ago. He was afraid Darren was going to kick his ass.”
Mel laughs hard, and I join her. Once she catches her breath, she takes a seat. “He’s got no clue Darren only dreams that the two of them will get married. He knows what a good kid Nate is and how good he’d be to Cady.”
“I told him Darren was in his corner, and I told him about the bet. He was a good sport about it all. I think he was happy I won, that I know him so well.”
“Well, he’s your son, Sawyer. You probably know him better than I do.”
“He’s our son, Mel. He was asking about Noah again. I think he’s getting ready to want to read the books.”
Her expression softens. “How do you feel about that?”
“Scared, but in a way, it will be a relief. Once he knows everything, he can decide how he feels about me and what I did.”
She crosses the room and wraps her arms around me. “Nothing about his love for you will change. Our son worships you. The two of you work together in the studio, on his music, on your music, and he admires you, Sawyer. I’ve got my concerns about how he’ll see me after reading those stories too. I mean, his mom bounced between two brothers. My past was kind of shady, and I was far from a virgin at his age. He’s probably going to think I’m a slut.”
Bringing a finger under her chin, I tip her head up and brush our lips together. “You grew up in a different world than the one we raised our kids in. They have stability and a great foundation because you wanted more for them. He’s not going to see you as anything other than what you are. A woman who was lost and found herself with one brother. And a woman who made another brother fight to be redeemable and loved.”
“You never needed redemption, Sawyer. You only needed to know you were loveable.”
“Am I?”
Desire flares in her gaze. “Want me to show you how much?”
“Do you want me to lock the door?”
She bites her bottom lip. “If you want to fuck me over the desk, you do.”
My cock instantly hardens, and I’ve never been happier for that vasectomy I had after Mel had Lily. She was born when the twins were three, and she’s named after Mel’s grandmother and her mother—Lily Iris Weston. She and Rory have a special bond since Rory knows what it’s like to be last in a tribe of Westons. Lily is also best friends with Wyatt and Anna’s daughter Jasmine.
Anna had conceded to one more baby and crossed her fingers for a boy. The rest of us were hoping for a girl. Since Anna and Mel were just a few weeks apart, we had a dual gender reveal party for them. I was expecting us to go blue and them to go pink. To my surprise, we both went pink.
Once she knew it was a girl, Anna made Wyatt promise to get a vasectomy. We recovered together while they snickered and joked about us finally having to feel some pain. It wasn’t that bad, and I’d do it again and again to have condomless sex with my wife for the rest of my life.
“Princess, have I ever not wanted to fuck you anywhere?”
When I release her to lock the door, she closes the shutters. I turn on the radio and turn it up loud enough to drown us out if we get loud. My office is lightly soundproofed anyway, but with teenagers in the hous
e, you can never be too careful. “My, My, My” by Johnny Gill pipes through the speakers, and Mel snorts.
“Nothing says ‘let’s make love’ like 90s R&B, is that it?”
“Well, technically, I’m about to fuck you, but we’ll go with that.”
As I pull off her shirt and cup her breasts, she moves her lips to my ear. “Even when you fuck me, Sawyer, all I feel is your love. It’s one of the things that makes us special.”
“Princess, everything about us is special, but right now I want to do some dirty things with you. Are you game?”
She unbuttons my jeans and grips my cock. “I’ve never played a game with you I haven’t liked. Bring it on, Weston.”
Once we’re naked and she’s bent across my desk with my body stretched over hers, I whisper in her ear, “Before I fuck you, just remember, I love you, Mrs. Weston.”
She cocks her head and slips her tongue into my mouth. After she’s kissed me breathless, her words float against my lips. “I love you too, Sawyer, never forget it.”
Later that night, when we were in bed and Mel was tucked into my arms, I thought about the last fifteen years. If someone would have told me at the beginning of The Illusion Tour that I would become a family man with five kids, I would have laughed in their face. These days, I consider being a family man my life’s greatest achievement.
Even though we no longer have Noah, we’re still blessed, and I’m going to cherish my blessings until the day I die. It’s why I’ve decided to start planning a special trip for our twentieth wedding anniversary. I think Mel and I should renew our vows somewhere beautiful and relaxing with all of our friends and loved ones.
It will be a nice example for the kids to witness and know that even though time may pass, a marriage takes constant work and commitment. We have an open and loving home, and they see how much I adore Mel every day, but sometimes, going the extra mile is necessary, and my Princess is worth it. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do for her. Maybe that’s what I should tell Nate the next time he asks about love. It’s so much more than just saying the words or giving someone your last bite of cake. You have to back up those emotions with actions. Nate’s been doing it with Cadence his entire life and doesn’t even realize it. It’s okay though, they’re still young and don’t need to be thinking about forever just yet.
