The doctor left the room, there was nothing he could do to repair our broken hearts. The silence was eerie, only broken by the occasional sniffle or sob.
“We don’t even know what she wanted to name him,” Mom said, more to herself than anyone else.
“Jordan,” I answered her. “Jordan Edward.”
All eyes in the room fell on me. I pictured Ev sitting on the floor in my bedroom, not even two months ago, wrapped in blankets, telling me and Bree her names. “She said she wanted to name him after the two bravest men she ever met.”
I realized Roger hadn’t said a word, and I was afraid to look at him. This was his son, hooked up to machines, struggling for breath, alone in some far flung wing of the hospital. His first night without his mother.
“We were going to call him JR. Kind of like Jordan Junior, but we liked that better than JJ.” Roger’s voice wavered. “Ev joked that it was stood for Jordan Remixed.”
“JR,” Dad said quietly, just a few minutes after learning the baby was named in part after him. “I like it.”
“JR, he’s going to be all right,” Cam said. “Because none of you are going to settle for less than that.”
A nurse brought us to the NICU ward, pastel and peaceful, so we could meet JR. He wasn’t alone, his room was full of tiny covered cribs. I felt better knowing he had company. Other babies whose lives started before they should have filled the room, and they seemed just fine.
“If he was a little older, we’d encourage you to put your finger in the little openings so you could touch him. But, we’ve just given him a steroid injection to help his lungs develop, and we’re concerned about infection.” The nurse looked down at JR sadly. Because of the infection risk, we could only go in small groups, and had to wear medical masks, gowns, and paper slippers. I’d gone in with Roger. Since Cam wasn’t immediate family, he had to stay behind. The nurse forced a smile. “Hopefully, you’ll be able to touch him soon.”
He couldn’t even be touched. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He should have spent his birthday swaddled and cuddling with his parents, not trapped underneath some plastic egg covered in tape that held tubes and wires to him. Not assaulted in a parking lot and feeling his mother’s body die around his.
“He’s so beautiful,” Roger whispered, before dissolving into tears. I held him while he cried on my shoulder. It just didn’t matter what I had thought of him, today we were one family that had a hole blasted through it.
Roger was right, JR was beautiful. He was probably no bigger than my hand, a tiny little doll with see-through skin. He was the only piece of Ev we had left.
I don’t remember much else about the rest of the night, just little snippets that flashed and froze in time like the bright lights from the news cameras that assaulted us when we left the hospital. Even though this night should have belonged to just us, the media insisted on stealing it away. Exposing it. Cam and Ashley belonged to everyone, and now, my family did, too.
“She didn’t tell you she was coming down because she wanted to surprise you.” Cam didn’t have all the answers to my questions, but he at least knew what the hell Ev was doing outside of her regular, weekday world that afternoon. He looked haunted, sitting on the couch once we got back to the condo. “I thought it would be cool if I brought her back here when we were done working, and you guys could spend some time together.”
The plan had been for them to talk about publicity, and the uphill battle to keep things positive. The restaurant was getting amazing reviews for both food and entertainment, but nasty things about Cam’s music career kept leaking out. I wonder where that could have possibly been coming from.
He sucked in a deep breath, trembling at the very top of it. “I didn’t know Ashley would be there. I didn’t know she was actually,” he swallowed the rising emotion, “capable of doing something like that.”
“You think she did this on purpose?” I rose from his lap and walked over to the window. The ocean shrouded itself in pitch black for the night, but I could still smell it. The salt air brought me down a few notches, I’d never relax tonight, but it kept me from exploding.
“I don’t know what she’s capable of anymore.” He came up behind me, and tentatively put his hand on my waist. I shied away from him. Everything about being with Cam felt like two magnets facing the wrong way right now. We were supposed to make each other stronger, but everything about Ashley tore us apart. “I never, in my wildest dreams, thought anyone could do that.”
I turned back towards him, pulling him close to me by two giant handfuls of T-shirt. “Then why do you insist on placating that crazy bitch? You are such a fucking enabler! The minute she set foot in that restaurant, you should have had her ass thrown out of there. But no, you had to hear her out, and fucking roll out the welcome mat for her. Do you know how that makes me feel?”
“You certainly had no problem letting her hear you out.” Cam shook his head, but his he never lost his cool, just like with that nutcase, his tone was even. It made me even madder. “Telling her what we’d been doing.”
“You fucking wanted her to catch us!” I slammed my fists against his chest, but he didn’t move. “It’s so exciting. Bullshit, you coward. You wanted her to catch us. You wanted to make me the bad guy so you didn’t have to be!”
“That’s not true, Daisy.” Again he tried to touch me, this time my face, but I moved before he made contact. Through the blur of my tears, I could see the complete, utter defeat written all over him. His eyes, his frown, his drooping shoulders. I knew damn well I was kicking him while he was down right now, but I couldn’t stop. Maybe one of the jabs would be the one that finally broke through to him.
“Everyone thinks I’m not good enough for you.” The words hurt as they passed my lips. “Ashley, my mother, all the nobody girls who come in the bar because they want to fuck a famous guy and they don’t even care which one it is. Sometimes, I believe them. But now I don’t think I want to be good enough for you, if that’s who you think is worth standing up for. My fucking sister is dead because you couldn’t stand up to your ex. No, your current wife. My nephew doesn’t have a mother. Is she still worth standing up for, Cam?”
I crumpled into a tight little ball on the floor. On top of everything else in this nightmare of a day, this argument left a bad taste in my mouth that nothing could rinse away.
How was I going to go on without Ev? I still didn’t believe it was real.
I felt Cam sink down next to me, but he knew better than to try to touch me. He was close enough I could feel the heat from his body, and sense when he fidgeted. But I didn’t acknowledge him.
“Why do I placate that crazy bitch?” he asked himself out loud, almost in a sing-song tone. I didn’t unfurl, but I was listening. “I placate that crazy bitch because I’m not sure I actually won The Spotlight.”
“What are you talking about?” I couldn’t take these riddles right now. I picked my head up just enough to see him, his head was resting back against the wall, his eyes blankly fixed on the ceiling. His forearms rested on his bent knees, and he rubbed his thumb and forefingers together like he wanted to start a fire.
“I didn’t really know what was going on when it was happening. I was just so high being able to perform at that level, to have such experienced and successful mentors and coaches, and to just have the opportunity to be there. All I ever wanted to do was sing,” he paused, finally looking over at me. “People were saying stuff, but I thought they were just jealous because I was getting the good time slots, extra attention, and because I was seeing Ashley. Her dad’s one of the big producers, I’m not sure if you know that or not. And he’s somehow made her famous for doing not much of anything, and that’s why she’s got her own TV show. Anyway, the other contestants insisted it was rigged, that I should have gone home, but I was too naïve and egotistical to want to believe them.”
“So what happened?” I asked. “Don’t people vote for the winner on that show?”
�
��They vote, but we never know what the results actually are. And why would I have ever questioned it? It was all in my favor. So I ignored the all the shit people were saying. I was getting a career in country music, and as far as I was concerned, I earned it.”
“But?” The way he was phrasing things, I knew there was one.
“Things got serious with Ashley fast.” He ignored my look of disgust. “And after I married her, she told me what she did to make sure I won. She made sure I got the either the opening or the closing spot each night, and that everything said I got the most votes, even though I didn’t. She thought she was helping me, but too many people had questions. So when things didn’t go smoothly once we stepped out of the bubble of The Spotlight, she blamed me, like I wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain. But I was doing the same thing I was always doing, because I thought it had been successful.”
“So she manipulated you right from the start. I ask you again, why do you keep playing right into her hands?”
“Anytime Ashley doesn’t get what she wants, she threatens to blow the lid off the entire scam. Not only would she ruin what’s left of my career, but she’d destroy the show. It’s been on for fourteen seasons. Was I the only fix? Imagine all those careers she’d ruin, the lawsuits, everything. As long as Ashley is sort of happy, everyone else might get to be happy. So I handle her with kid gloves.”
“But instead of taking the fall and dealing with the consequences, you lied for her.” I knew deep down in his heart, he thought he was doing what was best for everyone. But the problem with lies was that you had to tell bigger lies to cover the original ones. There comes a point where you don’t remember the truth anymore. “And because of that, those lies killed my sister.”
Cam looked like a hollow replica of the man I knew. A ghost. “I know.” He could barely speak. “And I would do anything to trade places with Evey right now. Anything.”
“I don’t even know if I should be there.” Cam buttoned his dress shirt and tucked it in to his black pants. His white shirt made him look paler than he’d been since the accident. He wasn’t doing well at all. He’d been trapped in the condo, sitting with his guitar in his lap but not playing it, while news trucks waited on the street outside for us to leave. “I don’t want to upset anyone.”
My feelings towards Cam were all over the place the last few days. Every time I looked at him, I felt equal parts filled with rage and heartbreak. He’d meant well, really, he did. He saw the best in someone who didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. And now he was paying dearly for it. I knew blaming him for it was really fucking harsh, but a little piece of me wished he’d been smarter than Ashley. Even still, I needed something from him that I couldn’t vocalize and he wasn’t ready to give me. Cam had barely touched me since that horrible night. I don’t know if he was punishing me for blaming him, or just punishing himself.
I looked out the window, the satellites rising far above the trucks that waited for us to make our exit. Just seeing them made me feel dirty, and touched in places I didn’t want to be. “You need to do what you think is best.” I slipped my feet into the only dressy pair of sandals I had. They pinched my feet, but I didn’t want to be comfortable that day. “But I really think that Ev would be really pissed if you didn’t come.”
I wore my bridesmaids’ dress to Ev’s funeral. Because I was the worst sister ever, I hadn’t had it redone yet. Who knows if I ever was going to bring it to the seamstress to have all the alterations made. Unfortunately, it worked in my favor for today. The dress was in one piece. Maybe at some point, I’d have it done over. For Ev. One thing was for sure, I knew I’d never be able to wear it again.
It was just the kind of summer day that Ev loved, hot but not humid, the sky a vivid blue with shocking white clouds hanging out. I should have been spending this day with her on the beach, drinking lemonade and getting sunburns. Not in a church, saying goodbye to her.
“Daisy,” Cam said just as I put my hand on the front door to go do the last thing on earth I wanted to do. I turned around, he still stood on the bottom stair, and couldn’t look at me for more than a couple seconds at a time.
I braced myself to hear him tell me he was chickening out. “What’s up?”
“I need to say this to you now, because if I’ve learned anything from this week, it’s that keeping my mouth shut is the worst kind of poison. The kind that festers and kills from within.” He walked towards me and took my hands in his. His felt clammy, he was nervous. “I love you. I love you because you’ve shown me what a real relationship is supposed to be like. I love you because you care about everyone else more than yourself. But I wish you could see in yourself what we all see in you. I love you because I knew you were scared as hell to take a chance on me, and you did it anyway. I love that you’re smart and funny, but you admit what you don’t know. I love you because you’re totally comfortable being you, and it’s sexy as hell. And I love you because I thought I was coming back home to die, basically, but I’ve never felt more alive than I have since I’ve met you.”
I didn’t think anything else could shock me this week. I had so many things I wanted to say right now, but as they crashed together in my head, they didn’t work when I tried to say them. “I love you, too.” His face brightened at my words. It was true, I loved him for some of the very same reasons he loved me. I always thought when I finally said it out loud, I’d feel like I was leaving Jordan behind, but I didn’t. He was coming along for the ride. And Cam was okay with that. Even if I wasn’t okay with his feelings about Ashley.
I knew both of us were just seconds away from crying. “I thought I was coming back here to waste away, too. And you changed that.”
“I love you, and your family, and your sister because if it wasn’t for her, I would have never had the courage to come back here and open the restaurant. It was Evey’s idea, Daisy. Investors proposed that I open a restaurant, but Evey brought it to life. And I hate myself, so much, for not having the balls to stand up to Ashley. I take full responsibility for what happened in that parking lot—“
“Cam, stop it.” The first tears escaped. “I know you were trying to do the right thing.”
He shook his head, squeezing my hands almost painfully. “I’m done fucking up. I’ve ruined too many people’s lives because I didn’t speak up. So I’m speaking up now. I sent the lawyers to the jail to make Ashley sign the divorce papers, and she did it. It’s done. The judge denied her bail. She’s going to be in jail for a long time. Finally, she got what she deserved. And I’m going to make sure that JR never wants for anything. Even if I have to live in a cardboard box to make that happen.”
“Except for his mother,” I whispered.
“I would do absolutely anything to bring her back, Daisy. Anything. But he’s going to be all right, because a family that could raise Evey is going to great job with this kid, too.” He tried to smile but the corners of his mouth quivered, pulling downward.
“We have to go. It’s time.” I was so overwhelmed by everything Cam had said my knees were knocking together. He nodded, and held my hand until I made it passed the reporters, into the truck.
I’d been thinking of nothing but poor little JR all morning, struggling in his egg, as I kept calling it, with pneumonia. My parents, Roger, and I had been taking turns at the hospital. We didn’t know if he realized we were all rallying around him, but we figured it couldn’t hurt. Dad read him baseball stats. A collection of toys was growing fast at my parents’ house. Now we just had to get him home to see them.
The church was packed and the service about to start as we walked in. I squeezed myself between my dad and Bree, and Cam’s eyes scanned the pews, all full.
“Sit,” Bree whispered loudly and she scooted over. Cam sat down between us.
So many people stood up and said so many nice things about Ev. They talked about how she could bring anyone together, and achieve the absolute impossible. Her zest for life. How beautifully she sang. How she made everyo
ne’s life better for however many minutes a day she was in it. I held my dad as he cried, he didn’t even try to conceal his big, ugly sobs, the tears came nonstop for me, too. My mom tried to speak, but she couldn’t say a word. All she could do was cry.
I didn’t even try to get up and speak. There weren’t any words that described the hole losing Ev punched through my universe, and no way to crawl out of it. I could barely face this without her, and now I was going to have to figure out how to face everything without her.
Everyone finally left my parents’ house mid-afternoon. I hated after funeral get togethers, everyone laughing and having fun. Like we’d just needed an excuse to get together. Not like someone had just run down my sister in a parking lot. I didn’t want anyone say something to try to make me feel better.
I hid out in my room with Bree and Cam, and we had our own memorial. We created an Ev radio station and looked through photo albums. They were hard to look at. We told Cam stories about the pictures, and he had Ev stories of his own from the show, and even some of her in action at work. The side of her we barely got to see. Once things quieted down, we decided to venture back downstairs to help clean up the inevitable mess.
“Who wants first shift at the hospital?” My mom looked exhausted. Poor JR had been by himself all day.
“I’ll go,” Roger said. It was just him, my mom, and I in the kitchen. “Can I talk to you ladies about something?”
“Of course.” Mom had been so much more relaxed this past week. She’d let go of all the stupid crap that had seemed so important just days ago. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed my mom before she become a thorn in my side. “Are you okay?”
Roger leaned against the island in the middle of the kitchen, looking at his hands, and took a deep breath. “I think it would be best for JR if he lived with your family when he gets out of the hospital.” He looked up, blinking rapidly behind his glasses, to check for our reactions. “I’ve never even held a baby before. He needs so much more than I even know how to give him.”
Secondhand Heart Page 17
