"You were never truly human, Jax."
"You know what I mean, Seth. I am different now. Since I learned to turn my emotions off, since I drank..." She sighed as she sat down. "I never thought I would ever drink someone's blood. And I damn sure didn't think I would make myself into a monster." She looked from him to the door and he just sat there and listened. "What kind of person doesn't worry about their friend almost dying? What kind of person would let her go with that Fey guy that she was so worried about just a few days ago?"
"Jaxon, a lot has happened since then and you aren't doing anyone any good by beating yourself up about it."
"I don't have to beat myself up, Seth. That's the point. Everyone else here is thinking the same thing that Gregore was. I am vampire. I have no feelings."
"Is that what you think?" Seth was up and off the couch kneeling before her in the blink of the eye. "Look at me," he commanded her. When she didn't respond he reached up and lifted her face with his own hands. "Do you think that because I am vampire I have no feelings, no heart?"
"Well, how could you? I felt what it was like to drink blood, the energy, the finality. Only a heartless being could drink people dry."
"First thing, Jaxon, I don't drink people dry. I take what I need. Second thing, normal vampires feel that energy, yes. We feel the finality of the action if we go to far, and then we pay for it with our emotions. You turned yours off completely. It is something, a gift or a curse, that you and you alone have. I don't know if it's tied to the empathic abilities you have, or how you do it. But Jaxon, I feel every mistake and heartache and just because you didn't know any better than to shut it all off, does not make you a monster. It makes you new to these abilities and powers. When everyone else has been able to take a breather and can think with a clear head, they will understand."
"Yeah," Jaxon agreed with him verbally, but she didn't think he was right. She heard every word of what Gregore had to say, and more importantly, she listened as Caislyn stopped protesting. She had moved closer to the door, waiting to hear Caislyn tell Gregore to shut up, to stop being stupid, but there was nothing beyond her friend's original protest. She supposed it was what she deserved, but it didn't stop it from hurting. An idea was born in that moment for Jaxon. She had a plan to make everything right. Her plan involved gaining control of her powers first, but that would have to wait till she could get Seth off her back for more than five minutes. "I think I am going to go back to bed for a while. I feel like crap." Jaxon walked back to the bedroom and climbed on the bed.
"It's the blood," Seth said as he came in behind her.
"What?"
"The blood, when it fades from your system it leaves you wanting that high again. It's like a drug, Jax. You're going to have to get used to that."
"I don't want to get used to it. I don't want to drink another person's blood ever. All I want to do is lay here and forget about the past week. I want to wake up and go see my mom tending to Vesta. I want..."
"I wish I could give you what you want, Jaxon, but I can't. This is your life now and you need to learn to cope with it. You need to get comfortable with all that you are, not just the part that comes without the messy strings. You lost control out there because you've been training to be a witch, but you've been ignoring your vampire heritage." He scooped his hand under her chin and lifted it so that their eyes met. "You are part vampire. You can't keep ignoring that."
"I don't want to ignore it, Seth. I also don't want to ever become that monster again. You saw me out there. I did those things. I enjoyed doing those things. I wasn't numb to all my emotions."
"I know."
"You know, and you're still sitting here with me, like I didn't do anything wrong?"
"I didn't say you didn't do anything wrong." When Jaxon looked away Seth turned her face back towards him, "What I am saying is that you were unprepared to do the right thing. Without training, the vampirism, it controls you. It can consume you. Jax, I told you I have killed before. I have drained people. I did those things before I learned to control everything. And I rode the same roller coaster you are on now. The one where you feel like the king of the world while you're riding that high, where it's all fun and games and you enjoy the thrill of it all. And then there's the crash, where the reality of what you've done hits you full force and your true emotions are back to tell you what a loathsome person you are."
"Yes, that truly makes me feel so much better!" Jaxon's sarcasm was not lost on Seth though.
"It's not meant to make you feel any better or worse. It's meant to let you know that I am here because I understand. Because I have been there. I am here, Jax. I'm not going anywhere. I don't hate you. And when you are ready I will help you learn to control it."
"And what if I don't want to learn? What if all I want is to be rid of this - all of this. The magic, the abilities, the prophecy..." She screamed out into the room, "what if I just want my normal life back?"
"I wish, more than anything, that I could give that to you."
"Please, just leave me a lone for a while," Jaxon said as she rolled over on the bed.
"Jax," Seth started.
"No! I mean it, I just want to be left alone."
"Okay." Seth got up and left, not only the bedroom but the RV. "I'll be next door, if you need me."
Jaxon heard him, even though he whispered it. She wouldn't be needing him. What she needed was a moment to think about what she was going to do next. Running off half-cocked had nearly gotten her friend killed. This time she was going out with a plan.
***
UNBECOMING
Jaxon waited until Seth left and then she quietly got up and started packing some of her clothes. There were two things she was certain of. One, was that everyone hated her now, and she didn't blame them one bit. Two, was that she couldn't stop her hands from shaking or her body from craving the rush of power she felt after drinking blood. She had been thinking about what happened with Caislyn. Caislyn nearly died while using far less power than she had been. "The blood gave me a power boost at no cost," she said out loud. "Well, aside from someone's life, but that didn't count because he was a dirt bag." She was reasoning with herself. She knew why. Jaxon knew that there would have to be a some sort of mitigating circumstances in order for her to take a life and not be a complete monster. To be sure, there were plenty of dirt bags around the world that could donate a little blood to her. All she had to do was go where the criminals were. A plan had already been forming in her mind, and now it was solidifying as she packed.
After packing clothing and other necessary items, Jaxon quietly left the RV, dropping her bags down, she headed over to the RV that contained Caislyn, Gregore, Vesta, and now Seth. She had to hear what they were saying. She had doubts about what she was doing. If she could hear them, and find out what they were talking about when they didn't think she was listening, it might make the difference in her staying or going.
"That can't ever happen again," Seth was almost yelling.
"Why, because she's your girlfriend and you want to coddle her?" Gregore sniped back.
"No, because she's damaged right now, and pointing fingers isn't going to help her."
"Seth, I'm worried about Jaxon," Caislyn was almost too quiet to hear, but Jaxon recognized her voice and opened up her empathic abilities so she could feel what was going on too.
"I know, Cais. I'm worried too. Before she kicked me out and told me she wanted to be alone, I felt her tune out. She's purposely blocking her emotions so she doesn't have to feel this."
"That's not the part that worries me the most."
"It should be," Seth shocked Jaxon with that comment, and she had to fight within herself to remain there to hear him out. "She's tasted blood now, and the power that comes with it. I know the myths out there about blood lust. But it is not innate, and wrongly named at any rate. It isn't the blood that vampires lust after. We want he power boost that the blood brings. It's a euphoric rush, that I can't properly describe, at least n
ot if I want to do it justice. She is going to have a hard time shaking that craving. Worse yet, is that if she is blocking emotions out, if she continues to not feel anything..." Seth paused for a moment.
"She won't realize what she is doing is wrong," Caislyn continued for him.
"No, she won't. She will find excuse after excuse to keep doing it and as long as she can block her emotions she won't need to feel the guilt or consequence."
"That's part of what I was worried about. She didn't even seem phased by what she did out there, or by what happened to me. She seems so lost."
Jaxon heard enough. She picked up her bags and left the Gypsy camp she had been calling home. It wasn't a tough decision, especially after hearing what her friends had to say. They all doubted her. They all hated her to some extent. Worst of all, Jaxon now felt that they all feared her, at least a little. It wasn't just in what they were saying. She had felt the fear, the confusion, the worry. It was all rolled up and boiling under the surface, and with Caislyn, she also felt betrayal. Caislyn might not have been voicing her concerns out loud, but Jaxon could feel her emotions. She hadn't brought the herbs back to help heal Vesta right away, precious time had been lost. She nearly killed Caislyn, and then couldn't do anything to help. Jaxon understood the feelings of betrayal, but she couldn't handle them coming from her best friend, directed at her. The emotions Jaxon had let in needed to be shut out once again. It was getting harder and harder to do it. The one thing she was hoping was that another fix of blood would give her the strength to keep it all locked away, at least for a while.
She didn't bother leaving a note or anything else, because she didn't want them to look. They were right about one thing, Jaxon was lost and she wasn't so sure she wanted to be found. She took off in the opposite direction of last night's debacle. The forest was welcoming and quiet as she made her way through the bushes. "A year ago, I would never have pictured my life looking like this, having friends, making them hate me, wandering through a foreign forest, and hoping to find a criminal to kill. Yup, I think this vampire thing has changed me more than the witch half ever did." She smiled at that and kept walking.
~...~
"How do we get her back?" Caislyn asked Seth.
"I'm not sure. We have to make sure Jaxon gets through the withdraws that are coming and we have to get her to open up and feel the emotions, whether she likes them or not."
"I can understand why she's hiding from them. There's a lot to take in, between her mom, what she did to those men, what happened to me." Caislyn looked down at her tea, which had gone cold in her hands. "I would probably hide from my emotions too, if I could. Hell, I've been hiding from silly stuff in comparison." She looked up at Gregore, feeling the guilt flood her face with the red hot blush of shame. She turned away before she could see his reaction, and instead felt him squeeze her hand to reassure her.
"I wish helping Jaxon was as easy as a squeeze of the hand," Seth said as he sighed. "Look, I know you guys are mad, and you have every reason to be. But, you also need to remember that this is all new to Jaxon. She's got powers that are beyond her understanding, and she's only been training her witch side all this time. She's only ever fully embraced her vampire side in dire situations."
"I know," Caislyn said, "and that's why I am not mad at her. If I knew more about my Fey side, the magic I used wouldn't have cost me so much last night. I don't even blame Jaxon for that. I blame myself, for not thinking about it as a whole. We've practiced little things outside of our witch heritage." Caislyn hadn't missed Gregore's flinch when she said she wasn't mad at Jaxon. "Greg, I know. I would have been beyond pissed if someone had brought you back to me like that, but you have to let it go. Jaxon and I are part of this prophecy and we have to stick together. We have to see this through. I mean, no one else out there can possibly understand what we are going through. The two of us are uniquely different, but so very similar in our difference. You know?"
"Can you take this, please, it's cold. I hate cold herbal tea." Caislyn held out the mug to Gregore who took it from her shaking hands.
"Caislyn, you need some rest."
"I want to see my mom first." Caislyn watched as Seth got ready to leave, "please, stay for a bit. I want to talk to you about something, and I think Jaxon needs her space right now."
Seth nodded and sat down to wait for Caislyn to finish checking on her mom.
"Pavlina, how is she doing?" Caislyn asked the old healer as she entered the bedroom.
"She's responding to the herbs. I am hopeful that she will be awake again by tomorrow." Upon seeing Caislyn's worried look Pavlina added, "it takes magic a while to settle in a person and get comfortable. Your mother has been without her magic for quite some time. We have to allow for them to get reacquainted." The old woman smiled and patted Caislyn's hands. "Oh, you are still shaking like a leaf, child. Come," she demanded, "sit here next to your mom and relax. I will get you some fresh tea and a book."
Caislyn smiled and did as Pavlina told her, because she was too tired to be stubborn and fight. "Could you have Seth come in?" Pavlina nodded and was about to head out of the room when Caislyn added, "and can you keep Gregore busy out there for a minute?"
"As you wish," the old woman replied as she left the room.
A few minutes later and Seth walked into the room and sat gently on the end of the bed. Caislyn looked up and fought against the pull of sleep. "Seth, you need to tell me what happened after I passed out. I overheard Mikel talking about a green man. Was Ash there last night?"
"He was," Seth answered in affirmation only.
"Well?" Caislyn pressed.
"Well, what Caislyn? He was there."
"Please, Seth. It's important to me, tell me what happened."
Seth sighed and dipped his head, "fine. Ash was there last night. I think he was trying to show you how to help Jaxon, but you didn't know how to tap into your Fey abilities well enough and, you ended up with the new dye-job."
"Only this one won't wash out - ever," Caislyn interjected. "What else?"
"He saved you. He's the one that brought you back. I think maybe you or someone else told Gregore you passed out at some point, but Caislyn, you were dead."
"I know," Caislyn whispered, "he brought me back, didn't he?"
"Yeah, he did. I can't breath for you and Jaxon couldn't shake the blood high to..."
"It's okay, I know why she couldn't. I really don't blame her for that."
"If it weren't for Ash, you would have stayed dead, Cais."
"I know," she said.
"He vowed to teach you the way of the Fey so that this could never happen to you again."
Caislyn simply smiled at that and closed her eyes for a minute. The exhaustion she felt earlier was nothing compared to the brick heavy feeling that was trying to pull her under.
"We'll talk more tomorrow, right now, I think you need your sleep."
Pavlina wondered into the room as Seth was leaving it. She sat down next to Caislyn and helped her sip some tea. "I'll leave the book here for when you wake up. Gregore said he found this one in your things." She put the book beside the bed, and took the tea cup. I think Seth and Gregore are working things out right now, so that you can all figure out a way to help your friend together. Why don't you sleep while the men do their own thing?" Pavlina pulled the covers up around Caislyn's shoulders and waited until she fell off to sleep before she left.
Caislyn had just begun to drift off when she saw the little greenish blue butterfly fluttering around her. She held her hand out for it to land and was instantly at peace when it did. "So beautiful," she whispered to it.
"Thank you," the butterfly said back to her in a voice she recognized immediately.
"Ash!" Caislyn breathed out.
The butterfly took off from her hand and landed in front of her, growing into the full sized man she was used to seeing. "At your service," he said with a bow and a flourish.
"You brought me back."
"I did indeed." Ash
took Caislyn's hand in his and brought it to his lips so he could place a gentle kiss there. "And how are you feeling?"
"Tired. So very tired." Caislyn said wearily.
"I imagine so, love. I won't keep you. I just had to know that you were okay, and the oaf they have guarding the border wasn't too forthcoming with the information."
Caislyn smiled, knowing that Ash was talking about Mikel. "Mikel's a good guy, Ash."
"Yes, too good, I think. And he's in love with you, as we all are, so he shall continue on with the Oaf title and you will just have to forgive me."
"Jealousy is unbecoming," Caislyn said in the midst of her weakened laughter. "Thank you, Ash, for everything."
"Always, Caislyn." He smiled and leaned in to kiss her forehead, "now off to real sleep for you." Caislyn drifted back off into a vast nothingness. It reminded her of what it had felt like to die. One minute there was life and the promise of so much more and the next came panic, fear of the unknown, and then nothingness until Ash pulled her back. It worried Caislyn that she didn't see more. She wondered if being the half-breed she was would leave her in a void someplace between the Karmic evolution her mother's family believed in and the heavens of the Faerie realms that the Fey believed in. Maybe since she was neither and both all at once, nature couldn't figure out what to do with her. It was a question for another day as she faded once again into that sweet oblivion.
~...~
Jaxon had been traveling through dense forest for hours before she found another road. Once she was on it, she began heading south. It wasn't long before she came across a sketchy looking man. She told herself that he looked like a criminal, and she went in for the kill. "Tell me your sins," she whispered in his ear as she pulled his head back further with her inhuman strength. He began whimpering and babbling in a language Jaxon was unfamiliar with. She laughed at herself for forgetting that she was no longer in America or Ireland for that matter. She was in the middle of, "well hell, I don't even know where I am." She said out loud before sinking her fangs into the man's neck. She drank from him, pulling the viscous fluid into herself. She felt that same zing that her body had been craving. The magic bubbled up inside her, willing her for release.
Revelations Page 17
