by Rosie Harris
‘No, I can’t.’ Lucy shook her head emphatically. ‘I must get back. Sam will be up and dressed by now and he waits for me to come home to get his breakfast.’
‘Ten minutes isn’t going to make much difference,’ Robert insisted, taking her firmly by the arm and heading towards Tithebarn Street. ‘We’ll find a milk bar on the way back to Horatio Street.’
The feel of Robert’s hand holding her arm sent a shiver through Lucy. Her knees felt weak and she felt powerless to argue. She couldn’t stop thinking about how many nights she had lain awake remembering the touch of his hands on her body, his lips pressed against hers; the sweet words of love being murmured in her ear and now, once again, they were walking side by side.
Silently she let him take command and it wasn’t until they were seated inside the milk bar and the coffee was on the table in front of them that again she tried to explain her feelings about bringing up Anna after what had happened between them all.
Robert listened in silence, his eyes studying her face, nodding now and then as he listened to her reasons. ‘I understand what you are saying but I am sure you wouldn’t let it make any difference to the way you cared for Anna.’
‘I’m not sure,’ Lucy said worriedly.
‘Perhaps we should give it a try,’ he suggested hopefully.
‘It wouldn’t be fair on Sam to do that; not without him agreeing, because he would think you were offering us charity by letting us move back to Priory Terrace,’ she said lamely, staring down into her coffee and avoiding Robert’s gaze.
‘Then talk to him about it.’
‘He refuses to discuss it and I don’t want to upset him,’ she added uneasily.
‘I do understand,’ Robert said gravely. ‘Look, if it would make matters easier for you, I am quite willing to move out of the house and live somewhere else. I’m earning good money so I can afford to do that.’
‘Even if you did that it would still be so complicated because it would be such a long-term commitment for me to make,’ Lucy murmured, shaking her head.
‘I will take care of the rent and all the other household expenses as well as paying you for your time and trouble, so you’ll be better off in every way,’ Robert went on quickly. ‘I promise you that I will arrange it all so that you don’t even have to see me or speak to me unless you want to do so for any reason.’
‘That all sounds fine but what about your visits to see Anna? As her father, surely you would want to see her regularly so that you could watch her growing up.’
‘True.’ Robert nodded thoughtfully. ‘Even so, if my coming to the house to do that would upset Sam and make things difficult for you, then I am willing to meet you and Anna somewhere right away from Priory Terrace.’
‘No,’ Lucy shook her head, ‘that might be all right at the moment while Anna is too small to understand, but what about when she is old enough to know what is going on? Don’t you think she would think it odd that she is taken meet this strange man called Daddy every week and that it is always in the park or somewhere like that and that he never comes to the house?’
Robert shrugged. ‘I don’t know, you are probably right about that, but surely we can work something out. Once Sam is back to full health and starts to make a new life for himself he may not feel so antagonistic towards me. Remember, Lucy, in time Sam might even want to get married and have his own home.’
‘So then you would feel you were free to come and visit Anna whenever you wanted to do so. You might even want to move back into your house again?’
‘Lucy, I can’t think that far ahead. Let’s deal with what is happening at this very moment. I desperately need someone I can trust to look after Anna and bring her up. You need a better place to live for Sam’s sake, if not for your own well-being.’
Lucy drank the remains of her coffee and made to leave but Robert laid his hand on her arm to stop her.
‘I am willing to be as accommodating as I possibly can,’ he said earnestly. ‘You name your terms and I will gladly make any compromises that are necessary.’
Lucy looked at him with tears in her eyes. ‘I don’t know, Robert,’ she whispered. ‘I really don’t know what to say. There are so many things to be considered.’
‘Perhaps if you met Anna you will feel differently,’ Robert murmured. ‘I could bring her to meet you both next Sunday,’ he suggested.
‘No, no, that might upset Sam even more. I would like to see her,’ she added quickly as she saw Robert’s jaw tighten. ‘Perhaps we could meet in St John’s Gardens?’
‘Very well. About two o’clock?’
Lucy could think of nothing else all week. Several times she was on the point of mentioning it to Sam and even asking him if he wanted to come along as well, but caution made her hold her tongue.
There was no point in antagonising him any more, she decided. She would meet Robert and Anna and make sure she wanted to be involved before she talked to Sam about it again.
It wasn’t cold on the Sunday but it was blustery and, as she made her way to St John’s Gardens, Lucy was glad she’d put on a thick jacket over her blouse and skirt.
The gardens were almost deserted and most of the summer flowers were looking tired and straggly as if they sensed that winter was not very far away.
Robert was already there. As she walked towards them Lucy’s heart thudded as she looked at the child in his arms. She wasn’t at all like Patsy; instead, she had straight light-brown hair like Robert and she was extremely thin.
What struck Lucy most about little Anna was that she looked very unkempt. Her face had a smear of jam around the edges of her mouth; her hair was greasy and uncombed. She was wearing odd socks and the hem of her dress had come unstitched so that it hung unevenly around her spindly little legs.
‘Are you going to say hello to Lucy?’ Robert prompted as they drew nearer.
‘Come on, you’re not shy,’ he persisted as Anna shook her head and buried her face in Robert’s shoulder.
‘She’ll come round,’ he murmured as he fell into step alongside Lucy.
After a few minutes Lucy suggested that perhaps if they sat down on one of the park benches for a few minutes she would be able to talk to Anna.
They found a sheltered spot and sat down with Anna seated between them. When Lucy handed her a little bag of Dolly Mixtures she’d brought along for her, the barrier between them was broken immediately. Excitedly, Anna shared the little sweets with both of them before tucking into them herself and in next to no time was smiling happily.
Ten minutes later when, once again, they resumed their walk, Anna insisted on holding Lucy’s hand as well as Robert’s as she trotted along between them.
Lucy was completely captivated. There was now no doubt at all in her mind that the child needed far more love and care than she was getting at the moment and deep down she knew that she wanted to be the one to give her that.
She was tempted to take them both back to Horatio Street and let Sam see the child for himself, confident that he would be won over just as she had been. Common sense prevailed; she knew it would be better to prepare him in advance.
Before they all parted, as she hugged Anna goodbye, Lucy promised Robert that she would think it over yet again and that she would give him a definite answer in a few days.
‘Sam is the stumbling block, isn’t he?’ Robert said harshly. ‘Talk to him, Lucy. Point out the better life he could have away from that slum where you’re living now. He’ll never get better while you stay there, not with all that foul air and dreary surroundings. You said yourself that he is very depressed; well, you’re the one who can do something about it.’
‘I’ll think it over and try to talk to Sam about it,’ she promised. ‘By the way, who is looking after Anna at the moment?’
‘Jenny Wood, the woman I told you about, who is living in your old house. She has a husband, three kids and half a dozen cats and she’s good hearted, but she is slapdash. The other thing that worries me is all the cat
s. She lets them sleep in the cot alongside Anna and I don’t think that’s healthy.’
There were tears in Lucy’s eyes as she walked home after they parted. Her thoughts were in turmoil. It wasn’t only the problem of placating Sam and persuading him that living back in Priory Terrace again would be far better for his health that worried her, but also that she had to convince herself that it was the right thing to do.
Robert’s attitude worried her. She knew he was concerned about Anna and it was easy to see that he loved her dearly and was desperate to do the best he could for her. But never once, Lucy reflected, had he expressed any feelings for her. It was almost as if she was a mere acquaintance; someone he thought could prove helpful to him in his time of need.
Did he still have feelings for her, or were they completely dead? she wondered. She still felt an overpowering love for him and she wasn’t sure she could tolerate the close relationship with Robert that taking care of Anna would involve.
She would have to talk it all over with Sam, perhaps that would help to clear her mind and help her to make a decision, she resolved as she reached home.
‘You’re late, I was worried in case something had happened to you,’ he greeted her as she walked in.
‘Sorry about that, I forgot the time. I’m pleased to see you’ve made yourself a cuppa.’ She smiled.
‘Not before time,’ he said ruefully. ‘I rely on you doing things for me far too much.’
Lucy didn’t answer. As she busied herself making a meal for them she wondered if perhaps this might be a good time to talk about Robert’s suggestion. Sam seemed to be in a better frame of mind than he usually was. Would talking about the future of Patsy’s baby spoil all this? she wondered.
She waited until they had eaten then, instead of clearing away their plates and starting on the rest of the chores that were waiting to be done, she poured them both another cup of tea.
‘Have you got something on your mind that you want to talk about?’ Sam asked, noticing that she seemed distracted.
‘Yes, as a matter of fact I have,’ Lucy told him as she stirred some sugar into her tea and then pushed the sugar basin across the table towards him.
‘Well, go on, then, spit it out; let’s hear what it is. Has it got something to do with that business Robert came here asking you about the other day?’
‘Yes, it has. I saw him again this afternoon and he wanted to know if I’d made my mind up yet about what I’m going to do.’
‘And have you?’
‘No, Sam, I haven’t. I’ve given it a lot of thought but it’s not simply my decision, is it?’
Sam drained his cup and pushed it to one side. ‘As far as I’m concerned, it is. You do whatever you think is best.’
‘That’s what I’m trying to do. I want to do what’s best for us as well as for him. I know how desperately you want to move away from here and moving back to Priory Terrace would give us a chance to do so.’
‘Go and live with that bugger! You can go if you want to; I’d rather stay here until I die.’
‘Patsy was as much to blame for what happened as Robert was,’ Lucy reminded him quietly.
‘I trusted her.’
‘I know you did, and I trusted Robert, but it’s all water under the bridge. We can’t undo what has already happened but perhaps we can all make a fresh start by looking after Patsy’s baby.’
‘Robert’s baby, you bloody well mean. Every day I’d have that thrust under my nose,’ he muttered morosely.
‘Oh Sam, it’s not little Anna’s fault; she didn’t decide who her parents should be,’ Lucy said softly. ‘I’d dreamed that one day I’d have a family and that Robert would be the father of my children but it was not to be, was it? Now that I’ve met Anna I am convinced I could love her and care for her.’
‘So you think that by sacrificing what’s left of your life by looking after his kid you’ll put matters right,’ Sam said, his voice laced with sarcasm.
‘Not altogether. I hoped it would be a fresh start for us as well. We’d get away from this horrible place, and you’d recover your health and strength.’
‘Don’t you think you’ve already made enough changes because of me? I’ve dragged you down into the gutter and been a load round your neck for years now.’
‘Sam, don’t talk like that. You’re my brother and I care about you a great deal; I’ve only done what any sister would do.’
He ran his hands through his hair despairingly. ‘I’ve no prospects; no hope, if it comes to that. I wish I had died in that car accident along with Mam and Dad and then it would all have been over and I wouldn’t have put you through years of misery. In fact, none of this would have happened.’
‘Stop right there,’ Lucy told him fiercely. ‘Yes, all right, I admit I have made sacrifices for you and I don’t intend to see them all thrown away. If you don’t want me to take on the responsibility of bringing up Patsy’s child, then I won’t, but don’t add to all my problems by having such a defeatist attitude.’
‘I’m not being defeatist, I’m being realistic,’ Sam stated angrily. ‘Do you really want to move back to Priory Terrace and have all our old neighbours gossiping and sniggering about us? They certainly will do when they find out that we’re living with Robert and that you’re caring for his kid. I thought you’d got more pride than that,’ he added bitterly.
Lucy stood up and began to stack up their dirty plates and carry them away. How on earth did Sam think they were going to survive on the money she earned cleaning offices? she thought despairingly. Why couldn’t he accept what Robert was suggesting as a means of paying their way and living in reasonable comfort at the same time?
As she washed up and put away the dishes they’d used she let her mind dwell on what Sam had just said. Pride might come into it for him, but did she really care about what the neighbours thought or said? Would it be any worse than having to go on living where they were and being scared of what Joe Black might do if he ever managed to get her on her own?
Perhaps if Sam saw Anna and realised what a lovely little girl she was, then he might reconsider the idea of the two of them bringing her up.
Lucy thought about it for the rest of the day and she knew she had to clear the air before she went to bed that night. She waited until evening before she broached the subject again.
Sam listened in silence as she expounded both the good points of their moving back to Priory Terrace and the drawbacks that there might be.
‘Your mind’s made up, isn’t it?’ he said dryly.
‘No, I think it is what we ought to do but I won’t do it unless you are in agreement.’
He was silent for such a long time that Lucy began to think he wasn’t going to give her an answer. Then, with a long-drawn-out sigh, he said, ‘All right, if you think you can handle it. I want to make a couple of things clear, though.’
‘What are they?’
‘Don’t expect me to be friendly with Robert and never ask me to keep an eye on his child. Is that understood?’
‘You will be civil to him, though?’ she asked anxiously.
‘I suppose I will have to be if I’m living under his roof but tell him he’d better keep out of my way as much as possible if he wants this arrangement to work. As soon as I am able to do so I’ll pay my way because I don’t intend to be beholden to the man.’
Chapter Twenty-One
A week later Lucy wrote a letter to Robert to let him know that they would consider moving back to Priory Terrace. She explained that Sam was not totally in favour of what they were doing but he’d agreed to give it a fair trial.
Robert replied that he understood and that he would keep out of Sam’s way as much as possible. He suggested that it might be a good idea if she came round one evening on her own so that she could see what arrangements he had made for them and change anything that didn’t meet with her approval.
Lucy went there the following evening and she was surprised at how nervous she felt to be walkin
g down Priory Terrace again after such a long time away. She wondered if she would meet any of their old neighbours and, if so, how they would react. As it was she met no one she knew but, nevertheless, her heart was thudding as she knocked on Robert’s front door and cast a covert glance at the house next door where she had grown up.
It seemed very strange to be back once again inside a house that she’d visited so often and which was almost identical to the one she’d grown up in.
‘Let me show you how I’ve planned things so far and then we’ll have a cup of tea and talk it over and you can tell me if everything is to your liking,’ he suggested when she arrived.
‘That sounds like a good idea, but where’s little Anna? I’m looking forward to seeing her again.’
‘She’s in bed and fast asleep.’
‘Oh, I was hoping she would still be up,’ Lucy said, her voice tinged with disappointment.
‘You can still go up and see her if you really want to.’
‘I would like to; I promise to be very quiet and not waken her,’ Lucy said, smiling.
As she stood beside the cot looking down at the tiny figure curled up with her thumb in her mouth, Lucy’s heart turned over. She wished Sam was there; if he took one look at Anna, she was sure his antagonism would melt because she was so utterly irresistible.
She looked nothing at all like Patsy; she was just a very small child needing love and affection and in that moment Lucy knew she was determined to give it to her, even if it jeopardised her own chances of happiness in the future.
Very gently she moved away a damp tendril of hair that had fallen across Anna’s cheek, and then she bent over the cot and kissed her lightly on the brow.
As she did so Anna stirred and opened her eyes. Lucy looked across apologetically at Robert who was standing on the other side of the cot but he merely smiled.
As she turned back to the child, Anna stretched and opened her eyes wide and stared up at them; first at Robert and then at Lucy. Then she raised both her arms, as if asking to be picked up, and Lucy’s breath caught in her throat because Anna was looking directly at her, not at Robert.
