by Jenna Black
I groaned and lowered my head into my hands. One of the ways I had guarded my heart against Brian had been to keep him as far away from me as possible. That light in his eye told me he had hopes our forced proximity would let him break down my defenses. “Thanks a lot, Dom,” I grumbled, once again wondering whether this was some kind of matchmaking scheme. But that was ridiculously self-centered of me. The fate of the world lay in the balance, and I suspected Dominic of matchmaking? Yeesh!
“Fine,” I said, trying to sound annoyed, even while my heart leapt with hope I tried my damnedest to suppress. “Brian can stay here for a while. But we can’t just sit around waiting for Der Jäger to attack. We’ve got to do something about him.”
Adam raised an eyebrow at me. “Do you have something in mind?”
I gave him a narrow-eyed glare, but I was proud of myself for not making a smart-ass remark. We both knew I didn’t have a plan. At least, not yet.
“Let’s play defense first,” Adam said. “We can’t do much that’s very useful until we’ve got some sense of security.” He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a Taser. “I thought it might be a good idea if you had a backup piece,” he said, putting the Taser on the coffee table. “Just in case. I’d like the three of you to sit tight for tonight. Dom and I are going to go interview some, uh, persons of interest.”
I clenched my teeth. Hard. I had a sneaking suspicion these “persons of interest” were my parents. I shot a pleading look at Dom—I knew my protests would be useless with Adam. Dom gave me a reassuring smile, and I hoped that meant he wouldn’t let Adam do anything drastic. Not that he had the power to stop Adam from doing whatever he damn well pleased.
“After that,” Adam continued, “we can get together again and talk strategy. Maybe we’ll figure out a way to trap Der Jäger.”
I hoped so, but I knew our problems would be far from over even if we did. Der Jäger was an illegal and a rogue, which meant he would be executed by the state if caught. Unfortunately, the state thought exorcizing a demon would kill it. If an exorcist sent him back to the Demon Realm, that wouldn’t do us a lick of good, because he’d be back in no time.
If I wanted to get Der Jäger off my tail, he, and whatever hapless human host he inhabited, would have to be burned.
If I could put off until tomorrow making a plan that called for burning someone alive, I was more than happy to do so. But I couldn’t put off thinking about it, and the churning that had been eating away my stomach lining all day just kept getting worse.
CHAPTER 14
After Adam and Dom left, my big brother once again abandoned me to the wolves by running off to his own room. I wanted to remind him how well it had worked out last time he’d left me alone with Brian, but I managed to refrain. When the door thunked closed behind him, silence, dense and oppressive, settled on the living room.
Brian was still sitting on the couch, but I was far too antsy to hold still, so I wandered around the living room pretending to tidy up while I tried to gather my wits about me. And convince myself that leaping into Brian’s arms and kissing him senseless was a bad idea.
His quiet sigh made something clench in my gut.
“So, are you planning to look at me or speak to me?” he asked. “Or are you just going to ignore me and pretend I’m not here?”
I’d gathered a pile of magazines from the coffee table, but at Brian’s gentle rebuke I dropped them onto the end table and forced myself to sit back down and face him.
“Sorry,” I said. “This is kind of awkward, you know.”
He crossed his arms and leaned back into the cushions of the couch. I realized neither one of us was being terribly watchful, so I picked up one of the Tasers and shifted position so I’d have a clear shot at the door if I needed it. That didn’t save me from Brian’s questioning glance.
“Your friend Adam seems to think you still love me.”
I winced, remembering Adam bellowing something to that effect when he’d brought Brian back to the apartment. I’d hoped Brian was too distracted by all the rest of this mess to have noticed. I just couldn’t seem to catch a break these days.
“If he’s right,” Brian continued mercilessly, “then why are you so determined to push me away?”
I swallowed a sudden lump in my throat. I could try to deny that I loved him, but who the hell would I be kidding? Certainly not Brian! “Because I didn’t want you to get sucked into this shit.”
He cocked his head, his lawyerly instincts perking up. “In other words, you knew you were still in trouble even after that demon abandoned your brother.”
Reluctantly, I nodded. I stared at the Taser in my lap. “And I know it’s not going to go away anytime soon.” I forced myself to look up, to meet Brian’s eyes. “You’ve gotten hurt because of me once before. I’m not going to let it happen again.”
His jaw set grimly. “You’re really a piece of work, you know? Did it ever occur to you that I’m a big boy and can make my own decisions about what risks I want to take?”
For someone who was supposedly trying to push her ex-boyfriend away, I sure was saying things better suited to the opposite purpose. I shook my head in frustration.
“You can’t make an informed decision about this. There are too many things I can’t tell you. All I can do is beg you to listen to me and keep away.” I frowned. “Once it’s safe for you to keep away.”
“I’m not sure I can do that, Morgan.”
As usual, my mouth started moving before my brain caught up. “You’ve been doing a pretty good job lately.”
I felt the blood heating my cheeks, and even though I put a hand over my eyes—as if I could somehow hide from my own stupidity—I saw the spark of triumph in Brian’s eyes. He didn’t say anything, but I had begun to think his sudden disappearance from my life hadn’t meant what I’d thought it had.
Indignation helped chase away my irritation with my runaway tongue. “You hadn’t really given up on me,” I said accusingly. “You were just playing with me!”
He shrugged, still looking smug. “You know what they say—absence makes the heart grow fonder. I thought I’d test the theory out.”
And, damn him, his little experiment had worked. When he’d been pestering me relentlessly, sending me flowers and love letters, trying every romantic gesture known to mankind, it had been almost easy for me to be my normal, contrary self. Someone pushes me, I push right back. Harder, if possible.
“You’re one manipulative son of a bitch,” I told him, but there wasn’t enough heat in my voice to make it the kind of slap-down it was meant to be.
“Honey, I’m a lawyer. I’m paid—and paid well, I might add—to be a manipulative son of a bitch. So now that we have all that out of the way, can we go to bed and have wild monkey sex? I’ve been missing you in more ways than one.” He waggled his eyebrows at me.
The temptation was enough to make me squirm. I doubted he’d forgiven me, doubted even a bout of wild monkey sex would make things right between us after all I’d done to sabotage the relationship. But it would feel so good to lose myself in him, if only for a little while.
I tried not to think about what Brian’s body felt like pressed up against mine. Tried not to think about the physical chemistry between us that practically lit the bed on fire when we were together. Tried not to think about everything I was giving up by giving up on him.
“Sorry,” I said. “I don’t do wild monkey sex when a sociopathic demon might come crashing through my front door any moment.” I thought it made a damn good excuse.
He grinned at me. “So we ask Andrew to keep watch, and then we go have wild monkey sex.”
I suppressed my sudden urge to grin right back at him. “I am not having sex of any kind when my brother’s in the next room. That’s just…eww.” I crinkled up my nose in disgust, and Brian laughed.
“I’m sure your brother knows you’re not a virgin,” Brian started, but I made a slashing gesture across my throat.
“Cut it out. Now! I’m not having sex with you, and I’m not getting back together with you. That’s final. Now, can we talk about something else? Or, better yet, maybe there’s something good on TV.”
I grabbed the remote and turned the TV on, desperate for any escape from the quicksand I was trying to pick my way through. Obviously, I was a lot safer if I just kept my mouth shut.
I expected Brian to protest, but he merely sat back in the cushions and made himself comfortable. He knew he’d pushed as far as he dared, and like any predator worth his salt, he knew when to back off and wait for his prey to make a fatal mistake.
I was beginning to feel like a gazelle with a pride of lions on its ass. Somehow, I needed to figure out how to run faster.
Brian, Andy, and I took turns keeping watch in two-hour shifts. Whoever got the short end of the stick for a shift got to hang out in the living room watching the door while the other two slept. Brian, of course, wanted to sleep in my bed. I told him he could sleep in it when it was my turn to watch, and dared him to keep pushing me. Wisely, he backed off.
After a quick Taser 101 course I let Andy take the first watch and retreated to my bedroom. My entire body felt heavy with exhaustion, not all of it physical. Even so, I had a hard time falling asleep. I wasn’t sure how much I trusted either of my roommates to guard the door. And my treacherous mind kept conjuring images of Brian, nude and eager, lying in bed beside me.
Somehow, I managed to drift off, and once again I dreamed of Lugh. In retrospect, I think I knew he would have something to say to me that night, and perhaps that’s part of why I had such a hard time falling asleep. For a demon, he’s a really great guy, and I actually like him. But his ability to see inside the dark corners of my soul—and his insistence on sharing what he sees—scares the crap out of me. There’s a reason I keep the metaphorical lights out in those corners.
At least we were back in his living room, not his bedroom. Brian’s arrival had put my hormones in overdrive, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to resist Lugh’s charms if we were in that bedroom.
He looked different today. No black leather. Instead, he wore a pair of close-fitting jeans and a plain white button-down shirt, and he sported a pair of pristine white sneakers. I knew exactly what he was up to. When I had any impure thoughts about Adam, Lugh would appear in my dreams as the S&M poster boy. Now that it was Brian who’d cranked up my hormones, he was going for the all-American-guy look. Only he was far too dangerous-looking to pull that off.
“I like the outfit,” I commented as casually as possible, dropping into the love seat across from him. I myself was wearing comfy knit pajama bottoms with a wispy camisole top. It was better than being naked, but not by much.
Lugh smiled. “I thought you might.”
I scrubbed at my eyes. “Can’t you just let me get a good night’s sleep?”
“You’ve only got two hours coming to you,” he said, knowing I had taken the second watch shift, “and you wasted more than an hour of that tossing and turning. I’m not depriving you of much.”
“But I’m too tired to deal with you right now.” Even to my own ears, I sounded like I was whining.
Not surprisingly, Lugh didn’t care about my desire to escape serious conversations. “I’ll make this brief, then.”
I gave him a dirty look, but he ignored it. “I understand your need to protect Brian,” he said. “And ordinarily, I would do anything possible to keep a defenseless human out of the line of fire. But it’s clear to me—as it is to you, in your heart of hearts—that even if you aren’t actively dating him, he’ll always be vulnerable because of your past history.”
“Thanks!” I snapped. “I needed to feel a little more guilty about dragging him into the middle of a demon civil war.”
“What this means is that there’s no reason for you to keep pushing him away for his own safety. Doing so is hurting both of you, and it’s obviously not keeping him safe.”
But the reasons I was pushing Brian away were so much more complicated than that, and Lugh knew it. Yes, keeping him safe from Dougal’s minions was my primary motivation. But I was also trying to keep him safe from my own majorly fucked-up life.
“And,” Lugh continued, “I think if he’s going to remain in the line of fire, he deserves to know the truth.”
I blinked, not sure I’d heard him correctly. “The truth?”
Lugh nodded, his dark amber eyes seeming to peer into my soul as he stared at me. “You have my permission to tell him about me. And about Dougal.”
“Since when do I need your permission?” I asked, hackles rising for no good reason except that I was uncomfortable.
He smiled. “All right then, my blessing. Does that sound better?”
“Not really,” I muttered, my mind going in circles. If I told Brian everything, then I’d never get rid of him.
And I’d lose the excuse I’d been giving myself for why he couldn’t make an informed decision to stay by my side.
I stared at my hands, my jaw clenched as I imagined tearing down the wall I’d built between myself and the man I loved. How could I bear to do that? I remembered how I’d felt when I’d discovered Raphael had kidnapped him, when I’d seen the terrible, terrifying videotape of the man I loved being tortured on my account. It had been the worst moment of my life, worse even than when I’d been tied to the stake with piles of kindling at my feet.
Tears burned my eyes, and my hands clenched so tightly my fingernails left bloodless crescents in my own skin. “I can’t go through that again,” I whispered.
I wasn’t surprised when Lugh appeared on the love seat beside me and drew me into his arms. And I was too overwhelmed to object when he tucked my head into the crook of his neck and rubbed one strong hand up and down my back. My own arms slipped around his waist, and I squeezed tight, absorbing the warmth and comfort of his body, inhaling his unique scent.
There was nothing sexual about that embrace. Even though I can’t deny I was attracted to him, nor could I fool myself into thinking he wasn’t attracted to me. It was nothing but a glorious, comforting hug, at a time I badly needed one.
“He’ll be safer if he knows,” Lugh said, his voice a barely audible rumble.
Before I could muster another argument, I woke up to the sensation of Andrew tapping my shoulder.
“Wake up, little sister,” he said. “It’s your turn to keep watch.”
I had the feeling I was in for a very long two hours.
I was right about that being one of the longest nights of my life. Even after Andrew had gotten me up and I’d taken my place on the couch, guarding the door, Lugh’s words echoed through my brain. Was I, as usual, being a chickenshit and making excuses for why I was pushing Brian away?
Of course I was. I might not be thrilled to admit it to myself, but I knew truth when I heard it. But, I told myself, I’d had legitimate reasons as well. Reasons that had nothing to do with my hang-ups and insecurities, and everything to do with the danger that clung to me like the stench of cigarette smoke after a night at a bar.
When it was time to wake Brian up to take the next watch, I could have stayed up with him and told him my whole crazy story. I could have opened my heart to him, and eased some of the pain in my own soul. Instead, I merely climbed into bed and fell into a deep and blessedly dreamless sleep.
I woke up the next morning to discover that I’d been the victim of a male conspiracy to let me sleep. I was supposed to have been on watch for one more shift over the course of the night, but Brian and Andy had neglected to wake me, and for once, Lugh hadn’t entered my dreams. I won’t say I was exactly fresh as a daisy, but I didn’t feel like I’d been run over by a truck, either, which was a nice change.
I followed the scent of brewing coffee into the kitchen, and discovered that I had even more company. Dominic was making himself at home in my kitchen, while Adam sat at the table sipping coffee from my favorite mug.
Before my caffeine-deprived brain could come up with an
appropriately snarky comment, Brian shoved a mug in my face. The scent of coffee temporarily derailed me, and I took the mug and cupped it in both hands. Of course, after many mornings-after together, Brian knew exactly how I liked my coffee. Gulping down the heavenly brew, burning my tongue more than once, I retreated to the living room, trying my best to ignore the testosterone brigade that had invaded my tiny apartment. Sizzling sounds from the kitchen told me Dominic was cooking. Like Pavlov’s dog, I started drooling at the thought, even before the enticing scents reached my nose.
Adam didn’t take my not-so-subtle hint that I wanted to be left alone. Why was I not surprised? He sat beside me on the sofa, resting his elbow on the back and staring at me.
“What?” I asked, when I couldn’t stand the scrutiny any longer.
“I’m just waiting for the caffeine to hit your system. I know how grumpy you are before your morning coffee.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, then checked over my shoulder. Yup, Brian was standing right there. Heat flooded my cheeks. Brian’s face was studiously neutral, but I knew him too well not to see the suspicion in his eyes. I figured my overactive blush reflex was just making me look even more guilty. And then I remembered the dream of watching Adam and Dominic together, remembered how incredibly hot it had made me, and my cheeks burned even brighter.
“Adam’s just trying to make trouble,” I said tightly. “We’re not even friends, much less lovers.”
“Adam, behave,” Dominic called from the kitchen.
“Yes, Mother,” Adam answered with a wicked grin.
I don’t know if Brian believed me, but he didn’t say anything. I slurped more coffee, feeling the pressure of his eyes on me. Then he shrugged and dismissed the whole thing.
“Whatever,” he said. “I’m going to grab a quick shower.”
I hated that the tension eased out of my shoulders when Brian disappeared into the guest room. I shouldn’t let Adam get to me the way he did, but I just couldn’t help it. And I couldn’t help that Brian’s presence gave Adam so much more fuel to torture me with.
