I couldn’t do that.
I couldn’t stay for something that wasn’t real. I couldn’t forgive something that was nothing more than a lie.
PLATES CLATTERED LOUDLY, the piercing sound putting a stop to the five-hundred-piece orchestra composing a death march in my skull. I rolled over, aware that my entire body ached as if I’d been hit by a wrecking ball - it might have been in the proverbial sense, but that didn’t lessen the damage.
She was cleaning.
That wasn’t good.
“Mom?”
My voice was so hoarse I barely recognized it.
“You’re up,” she replied. She came over to the sofa, and sat beside me, a glass of water in her hand.
“When did you get here?”
I gulped the water down, sighing when my parched throat no longer felt like I’d swallowed sandpaper.
“Two days ago,” my Mother sighed. “Your friend, Annabelle, called me. She stopped by but you didn’t answer, and your phone was off.”
“So you came all the way here?”
My Mother looked affronted, and even with the slight grey in her hair, she still did the whole ‘don’t-mess-with-me’ expression really well.
“What kind of question is that? Of course I came.”
“How did you know where I lived?”
After all the chaos that ensued once I got back from seeing my Mother, I had yet to give her my new address.
“Can I make you something to eat?” I frowned when my Mother tried to change the topic. “You must be starving.”
“Mom, what aren’t you telling me?”
“Are you sure you want to talk about this now?”
“Yes,” I replied. “I’d rather you didn’t join the list of people who have been keeping things from me.”
Two days and the sting of what Caleb had done was still there, a low but steady hum of a thousand needles beating mercilessly against my body. I didn’t want to forget though. I needed the reminder that although people had the capacity to be good, and kind, they also had the capacity to hurt, and manipulate and lie, and that invariably they were both sides of the same coin. It was a harsh reality to accept about someone you loved, but still true nonetheless.
My Mother looked anxious, her gaze on everything but me.
“Your friend Annabelle isn’t the only one who called me,” she started. Her voice wavered as if she was unsure about whether or not to continue. It was rather uncharacteristic of her, which only made me raise my guard. “Caleb called me too.”
I shook my head with vehemence. “I don’t want to hear it, Mom.”
I tried to stand, but what came out of my Mother’s mouth next brought me to a standstill.
“He loves you, you know.”
Squeezing my eyes shut had become an involuntary reaction, like it would make everything disappear purely because I couldn’t see it.
But I could still see it.
All of it.
I spun around, and stared angrily at my Mother. She knew better than anyone what it was like to be lied to. “How can you say that after what he did?”
“Sweetheart.” My Mother sighed. “I am in no way excusing what he did, but when he called me, I heard the voice of a broken man, a man who regrets hurting you more than anything.”
“With all due respect, Mom, you are the worst judge of character when it comes to men.”
Hurt flashed in my Mother’s eyes, sending a sharp pang of guilt through my chest. However, it wasn’t sharp enough to make me believe I was wrong.
“That may be, Kadence, but don’t for one second think I want this life, my life, for you. You are not me, and Caleb isn’t your Father.”
“He might as well be,” I snapped. “Did he tell you what happened? How he used me?”
My Mother looked away, wringing her fingers together. I noticed they were trembling.
“He did.”
“Then how can you expect me not to be angry?”
My Mother stood up, and because she was quite a bit taller than me I had to crane my neck. Even dressed in casual jeans, and a plain button up shirt she looked somewhat authoritarian. It was a new look for her, but I had to admit it suited her well.
“Of course you should be angry, but I won’t allow you to make the same mistake I did.”
“Which was what, Mom? Love a man who didn’t really love you? Love a man who used you for his own misguided agenda? You were blind, and even after you found out about Daddy and Mrs. Callahan you stuck with him until he ruined you. I hate to break it to you but I’m already there.”
“You are forgetting one major difference here,” she replied, her features drawn tight, poised for a fight. “Caleb loves you.”
I bit out a laugh. “In case you didn’t know, just because a man says he loves you doesn’t make it true. Daddy cheated on you for God knows how long and every time he told you he wasn’t, you believed him.”
My vexation was starting to get the better of me, and I was directing it all at my Mother when she didn’t deserve it. I had all this pent up indignation, and hurt and nowhere for it to go.
“You don’t know a thing about me and your Father.” My Mother’s tone hardened. “You don’t know why I stayed, or why I tolerated his affair with that mad woman for so long.”
“Then tell me. Please. Because I don’t understand. He’s dead, and you have yet to talk about it. We didn’t attend his funeral, and you never spoke of him. Ever. So explain why you stayed.”
My Mother’s façade slipped, so barely that no one else would have noticed. “I was hoping you would never have to find out, especially not like this, but -”
“Find what out?”
Before replying, my Mother inhaled deeply, and then sat back down on the sofa. I recognized her struggle, so I tried not to push. No matter how angry I was it wasn’t right to hold her responsible.
“Your Father…Henry… he wasn’t your biological father.”
“What?”
“I was pregnant with you when we met, and he already had Katrina, so we figured it would work.”
My mouth opened, but I was robbed of anything appropriate to say.
Except that maybe I’d become the butt of all God’s jokes. And they weren’t even funny.
My drop onto the sofa was far from graceful.
“How could you never tell me? This is huge, Mom.”
“I realize now that I should have told you sooner, sweetheart, but I wanted you to get your own life back on track before I dragged you into the mess that was mine.”
“I don’t…I mean… This is…” I stuttered. You’d think being a communications major would make forming words easier, but I had nothing. I didn’t even know how I felt about my Mother keeping such a life-changing secret from me.
“You asked me why I stayed,” she continued, taking my stunned silence as an opportunity to finish telling me what I initially wanted to know. I so did not see this one coming. “For you. I wanted you to have a normal life with two parents, instead of a single Mom who had a one-night stand out of rebellion to spite her parents. I didn’t want that for you, and while my marriage to your fath- I mean Henry, may have started out as an arrangement, somewhere along the way we fell in love. Well, I did, I was just too determined to give you a happy family to realize who Henry really was. So you can imagine my surprise when he started screwing Caleb’s Mother.”
“But you stayed,” I muttered, trying to piece it all together in my head. And yet, the pieces refused to fit. I didn’t want to believe it. “For years you made me think I was related to that man. I thought I was destined to become like him and Trina. Do you know what that has done to me?”
“I thought I was doing the right thing -”
“For who, Mom?”
My Mother looked down.
“I want you to leave.”
She nodded but didn’t say anything. I knew I would forgive her, that I would see where she thought she was doing the right thing, but at the moment I couldn�
��t see past the lies.
Aaliyah.
Macy.
Caleb.
And now my Mother.
I was tired of deceit. Tired of trying to tell the wood from the trees.
My Mother stood up, and took her purse from the coffee table. She stopped in front of me.
“You have every right to hate me right now, but I need you to know that I really thought I was doing the right thing. I did the best I could, and all because I love you.” Her lips met the crown of my head, and it broke me to send her away. But I had to. For my sake.
“I’m in town for a few more days, and I’m staying at the Marriott hotel. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and consider coming home with me.”
Leaving New York suddenly sounded like a great idea, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to leave with my Mother just yet.
“I love you,” she whispered. “And that will never change. You are by far my greatest achievement, regardless of how you feel about me right now.”
I met my Mother’s teary gaze with my own, my heart laying limp with exhaustion.
“I love you too,” I replied honestly. “But I need to find a way to move past this.”
“I understand,” she swallowed. “I’ll be here when you’re ready.”
My Mother walked out, and the events of the last forty-eight hours ran through my mind. I walked to my bedroom, and crawled under the covers. For the time being I needed to hide, be alone, and then maybe, just maybe, I would be ready to start again.
I had no idea how I was going to rebuild my life – or the life I thought was mine – but I wasn’t going to allow any of this to define me.
I defined me.
No one else.
ON MONDAY MORNING I shook off the after-effects of a weekend filled with moping, puffy eyes, and dirty pajamas. I gave myself two days to cry, yell, and break things, and once I’d cleaned my apartment for the thousandth time, it was time to clean myself up, and hand in my resignation at Callahan Industries. Today.
Sure, I had to face Caleb, and probably Aaliyah too, but the person I wanted to be after all of this, was worth more than dwelling on the dishonesty of the people I thought I could trust. I walked into the office and headed straight for my desk to grab the few personal items I’d left behind.
I started towards Caleb’s office, and just like my first day at Callahan Industries, I stared at his name on the door, wondering if he was there. Only this time the butterflies were silent. I had my hand raised, ready to knock, when it swung open and I came face-to-face with Caleb. The first thing I noticed was that the weekend had been just as unkind to him as it had been to me. He looked tired, with purple bags under his eyes, and his face looked drawn. The worst was his eyes though. That vibrant blue I loved so much was now dulled to a bluish-grey. Lifeless.
“Kadence.” He breathed my name as he’d been starved for the way it sounded on his lips. I cleared my throat.
“Cal – Mr. Callahan.” The shift in his stance was imperceptible to the naked eye, but I felt it as keenly as I felt the hitch in my breath. He stepped aside, and motioned for me to come inside. I walked past him, and stopped in front of his desk.
“I take it you got my letter of resignation.”
“I did.” He reached for an envelope on his desk, and handed it to me. “This is your last check, and your bonus.” I frowned.
“I haven’t been here long enough for a bonus.”
“Just take it, Kadence.” Caleb’s tone brooked no argument.
“I don’t need a hand out,” I replied. “My last check will be fine.” Caleb blew out a breath, and rubbed the back of his neck.
“It’s not a hand out. It’s your commission from the launch party.”
“Oh. Well in that case, thank you. If there’s nothing else…”
Caleb
I SIP MY WARM beer and stare out at the city that no longer feels like home. It’s funny how you can spend a lifetime in one place, and then suddenly feel like you don’t belong there.
I feel like a fraud. And worse still, I’m an asshole.
An asshole who made the biggest mistake imaginable, and paid the ultimate price.
That thought alone makes me open another bottle, and swallow it one go.
I put Braelynn to bed an hour ago, and now I’m feeling sorry for myself.
Heels click loudly, and I’m pretty sure I smell Natalia before I see her. Her perfume is as pungent as both her personality and her mothering skills. She comes around the corner, and steps onto the terrace dressed in a long, lacy evening gown with a slit that stops just below her hip. Her dark hair is slicked back, hanging down her exposed back. One would think seeing the mother of your child would make your heart race or some shit, but she doesn’t even make my dick twitch.
“Caleb,” she whines. She thinks it’s sexy but I find it annoying as fuck. Like skinning a cat. “You’re not dressed. We’re going to be late.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not going.”
And then I wait for it.
Three.
Two.
One.
“You can’t not go, it’s my premier. You promised you’d be my date.”
Again with the whining.
How does she not make her own fucking ears bleed with that screech?
Okay, maybe it’s not exactly a screech but everything about Natalia rubs me wrong the way, even if she’s the woman who had my kid.
“I’m sure you can call one of your male model friends and have them take you. I don’t have a sitter in any case, I gave Henry the night off.”
“This is New York,” she retorts. “I’m sure you can find someone to watch the baby while we go out.”
I hold the bottle tighter, and try to keep my cool.
“I’m not leaving our child with a stranger. Just go without me.”
In my peripheral I see Natalia cock her hip, and fold her arms across her chest. Here we go.
“You can’t plan your life around a baby, Caleb. We need to get out once in a while. I’m losing my mind being stuck here all day.”
Doing nothing, I want to add, but don’t. With Natalia I’ve learned to pick my battles.
“She’s not just a baby,” I remind her. “She’s my daughter, and she comes first. Always.”
The fact that I have to explain this is telling.
She huffs. “You know, I’m getting tired of not being a priority in your life Caleb. I’m the mother of your child.”
“Then start acting like it,” I tell her.
“What is wrong with you? You have been moping around the house for almost three weeks, and I’ve had enough.”
As much as I want to tell her she’s what’s wrong with me, I decide against it.
When I don’t respond, she feels the need to keep complaining. Oh joy…
“This is about that Kadence woman isn’t it? Why can’t you just forget about her and move on? You have me now. There’s no need to pine over her anymore.”
My jaw ticks. I can tolerate almost anything from Natalia, and God knows I have, but mentioning Kadence is not one of those things.
“Be careful,” I warn, not even bothering to look at her. “Your jealousy is starting to show.”
“Me? Jealous?” Again with the screeching. Jesus. “Why would I be jealous of her?”
“You tell me.” I reply coolly. “You’re the one who sold our story to the paper.”
I turn my head just in time to see her mouth snap open, and then close again. Poor woman is speechless.
Thank God.
“Oh, you thought I didn’t know?” I stand up, and close the small gap between us. I take a look at her, wondering what the fuck I was thinking when I started seeing her.
She’s the only part of having Braelynn that I regret.
“How exactly were you planning on getting away with it?”
Natalia has that wounded deer look on her face for a whole five minutes before the infamous catty bitch makes her appearance. It’s
the only thing that makes her so successful in the entertainment industry because she sucks at acting.
I would know. She acted with me right up until the day she walked out on me and our child.
I can’t escape the irony.
I’m no better than Natalia is. I was acting with Kadence the entire time she lived with me. Until I wasn’t anymore, and in the end, I was the loser because I lost her.
“I know you,” says Natalia. “You were stringing that poor girl along and all so that you could get revenge on her father. You don’t do love, Caleb. That’s why we work so well together.”
The feint glimmer of victory flashes in her eyes as if she’s won, as if she believes that she knows me, and maybe for a time she did. For a time, I was exactly the kind of man she’s describing, but that’s the thing about love. It can change the hardest of men into pussies.
“The only thing that has ever worked with us is the little girl in the nursery. If you think we have a future after the stunt you and Jennifer pulled, you’re more delusional than I thought.”
Natalia scowls, and I’ve never seen a woman as ugly as she is.
“You’re leaving me for Kadence?” She makes it sound as though the idea is ludicrous.
“No, Natalia. I’m leaving you for me, and Braelynn.”
“You can’t keep her from me,” she replies. “I’m her mother.”
‘Mother’ is nothing more than a title to her, and Braelynn is nothing more than an accessory. Natalia can use me for her own gain all she wants, I’m a big boy who can handle himself, but she can’t use our daughter.
“I would believe you if you took the time to take care of her, but I’m sure you don’t even know what color her hair is, or what color her eyes are. Do you know how to sooth her when she’s crying? Do you know how she likes her formula? Do you know how she likes to sleep?” I pause. “She was a total accident, but she’s the only thing you ever gave me that was honest, and real, and she deserves better than a woman who wants to cart her around only when it can be photographed. She deserves to be loved, but in order for that to happen, you need a heart, and you don’t have one.”
Playing Pretend Page 23
