“No!” she gasps. “What happened?”
“Things got messy. I’m not ready to go into all of the details just yet, but I ended up back at home. Phil didn’t come with me, and he hasn’t checked in since I left him. He still hadn’t come home when I left to come here.”
“Okay. And…”
“And nothing. I just need… I just need to make Phil see that we’re over. This part of my life, my marriage, I need to make a clean break before I think about anything else, okay?” My voice is near to breaking, and I don’t think I can go into any more detail without my tight hold on the emotional ball of relief, fear and pain slipping, crashing down on me and paralysing me with my reality. I take a long drink of my now tepid tea and wait.
I don’t look at Jess. She’s sorting through this in her head, and it is only 6:30 a.m. I finish my tea and put the cup in the sink.
“Do you want a hand with your bags?” she finally asks.
“Just up to the spare room, please. If I can have it?” I smile at her.
“Oh, Izzy.” Jess steps towards me and wraps me in a gentle hug. I let out a sigh of relief. I know she never would have turned me away, but having her confirm it is a relief. She squeezes me again and a single tear falls. I know more will come when I finally admit what the numbness around my chest signifies, that I’ve let the person I love go, before I really had him. That’s when the tears will flow. I hope I don’t drown in them. I hope that luck will be on my side and help me to fight my way back to Seb.
It’s nearly midday before I venture downstairs to make some more tea. There’s no sign of Jess, and I’m almost hoping that it will stay that way. I can go on in my muddled haze without having to explain my next move to her. Leaving Phil was the goal, but what next? Everything was so clear last night. I was determined to make Phil see I was serious about wanting a divorce. My decision to leave was one I needed to make. I owed it to myself. I’ve finally got the courage to stand up for myself. I won’t question that I’m deserving of happiness anymore, no matter how hard it is.
I go back upstairs to check my phone for calls or messages from Phil in response to the empty wardrobe. If he’s called, I’ll be shocked, but I’m not holding my breath. I can’t be a coward anymore. I need to end things with Phil, and I need to do it soon.
I pull out my phone and dial Phil. It rings and rings. My stomach churns and my heart pounds after each ring tone. I feel sick, and my hands are clammy as I clutch the phone. Finally, the answer phone clicks in and I hear my own voice asking me to leave a message.
Phil won’t be without his phone, so I call it over and over—I can’t let this go. Phil finally picks up. “What is it, Izzy?” His voice is gravelly and full of sleep.
“I need to talk to you and it can’t wait.” I project as much authority into my voice as possible.
“Really, Izzy, after your disappearing act on me last night? I’m sure I don’t want to talk to you.” He sounds angry now, but that helps.
“Where are you, anyway? It’s two in the afternoon, and I really do need to see you.”
“Well, I’m not at home, am I? Just wait until I am, Izzy. I’m sure you can keep yourself busy with your computer until I get home.”
“No, I have something I need to speak with you about, and I’m not home either.”
“Why? Did you say you weren’t feeling well, or was that just an excuse to leave the party?”
“I didn’t stay at home. I’m not there. Please, just listen to me. I’d like us to talk.”
“After the way you acted, you’ve got to be kidding me. And where are you if you’re not home?” His tone is now past angry.
“It’s none of your business. Please, I’d just like to have a conversation with you without you shouting at me.”
“It is my fucking business where you are, Izzy. Don’t mess with me.”
“Why? You seem to think I only deserve to know where you are when it suits you. I’m fed up with the way you treat me, Phil.”
“What, just because I’ve stayed out and want to know where you are? That’s my business to know.”
“I agreed to go to your Christmas party. You promised me we could talk without fighting. Why don’t we meet somewhere?” I count to ten in my head, trying to calm myself so I don’t say anything I will regret later. I’ve never challenged him before, and he doesn’t like the idea that I’m not firmly under his thumb. It’s sent his well-organised world spinning.
“Sorry if I can’t fit into your plans, but after you ran out from the party last night, you sure as hell didn’t fit into mine, so you’re just going to have to get used to it. Now, I want to know where you are.” No amount of counting in my head can stop me rising to that.
“You’re unbelievable. You seem to think I’m oblivious to where you really are when you’re out. I’m not. Tell me, Phil, how’d you get Sophie away from that other gentleman she was nuzzling up to?”
“Where the fuck are you, Izzy?”
“I’m not telling you.”
“Izzy, stop playing…”
“I’m not playing. It’s over, Phil. I don’t want to be married to you. I want a divorce.” Silence greets me. He’s pushed me to this. He’s goaded me time and time again, helping me to find the words that I’ve wanted to say amongst his ugly tirade.
He’s still quiet. I’ve shocked him.
“What do you mean, you don’t want to be married to me anymore? It’s not something you get to choose, Isabel.” His words ooze with venom. Gone is the Phil that I once loved more than the world. He’s become someone I don’t recognise.
“Yes, it is. I want a divorce.”
“You tell me this over the phone?”
“You never made the time for me when I asked to talk to you. I’m sorry it came out this way. This is for the best. For both of us.”
“Is that it, then? I don’t get a say?” The venom has been masked. He’s softer in his words, but it’s not hurt, not the emotional kind, anyway; it’s his pride that’s damaged.
“I’m not happy, Phil, and I haven’t been for a long time. You’re cheating and won’t even admit it to me. We’ve been fighting, arguing. I’ve been telling you that things aren’t right between us but you’ve continued to ignore me. Not anymore. You knew this was coming. You are as absent from this marriage as I am.”
“Where is this coming from, Izzy? You’ve never complained before. We’ve been like this for years and you’ve never complained. What’s different about this time?”
I don’t know why this should bother me now, but it does. His wording ‘this time’ implies his behaviour has been like this before. I consider something I hadn’t imagined before now. Sophie is not the first time. He’s cheated before. He’s had affairs in the past, and I’ve not noticed. I feel sick—physically sick at the prospect that my marriage was always a sham, that I was so blinkered to it. God, did I ever know him at all? This is the man with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life, have children and grow old and grey with.
“You really have some nerve to expect me to stay with you after this, even though you won’t admit to your affairs. It’s over. I’m divorcing you. I’ll be in touch regarding how we proceed from here.”
“Eleven years, Izzy, and that’s it? You finish us over the fucking phone. You really are a cold-hearted bitch.” The line goes dead.
“Seb…?”
“I’m sorry, Izzy, but I can’t do this.”
“No…” My mind panics. “I love you, Sebastian,” I blurt. He turns to face me.
“I know you do, sweetheart. Thank you for telling me, but that doesn’t help. You still return to Phil. I think you should take some time and think about what you want, Izzy. Really think.” He looks at me, my dress half on, half off from his impatience to fuck me, to claim me. “I think you need to leave.”
“No!” I scream, but it has little effect. The aquamarine of his gaze is tinged with pain and darkness rather than the bright blues and greens that normally shine back.
He doesn’t say anything further, just leaves me and closes the door behind him.
“No!” I scream and bolt upright in my bed, pulling myself from my dream. I’m breathing hard and I’m sticky with sweat, although it feels like I have an ice block in my chest, chilling me from the inside out. My dream is still a vivid image in my mind, Seb walking out on me all over again, the cold look in his eyes, telling me that we can’t be together. It turns my stomach, and I feel a roll of nausea that I fight off. I take a few moments to familiarise myself with the surroundings. I’m at Jess’s place, in what will be my bedroom and home for the next, well, I don’t know how long. Rolling to the side, I reach for my phone. It’s 3:10 a.m. I slump back down. I’m cold and scared. More than scared—terrified. With my dream so fresh, I can’t keep the hurt and pain and feeling of utter loss at bay. All my tears let loose at once, and they overwhelm me.
I cry. I cry so hard I can’t get in a breath to fill my lungs. A tight pain bands my lungs, squeezing them tighter, and I start to panic.
“Izzy, what’s wrong?” Jess’s concerned voice fills the room. She’s standing at the bottom of the bed. Light spills from the hallway, throwing her into shadow. “Oh, hun, what’s wrong?”
“I… I… I can’t. He said… I don’t… I don’t…” I know I’m not making sense, but I can’t speak the words. My tears consume me.
“Shh.” Jess sits down next to me and gathers me to her like a small child, letting me cry it out. Her embrace is like a lifeline and I cling to her, desperate to find my way back to safety.
I wake again. Jess and I must have fallen asleep. She’s lying next to me, and I try not to wake her as I extricate myself from the bed. Checking my phone again, I see that it’s nearly 6:00 a.m.
“Can you speak now?” Even her soft voice makes me start.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you—either time. I’m sorry, Jess.”
“Hey, don’t worry. I’m here for you, but it would help if I knew exactly what we’re dealing with. Is it Seb?” She sits up, leans back against the headboard and pulls the covers around her to keep warm. I turn and climb back in beside her, tucking the covers in. At this point I have nothing to fear. I’ve said my piece to Phil, even if it didn’t go the way I wanted it to. Jess isn’t his biggest fan, so I’ll have her support on that front.
“I told Phil I want a divorce. My words finally seemed to get through to him.”
“Asking for a divorce was a huge decision. You’ve been together for a long time. But I agree it’s the right thing for you to do. It’s been a long time coming and I can’t say I’m sorry.” She smiles and reaches out to grasp my hand.
“Thank you. I just, I think it took meeting Seb to make me see everything, or at least to help me see what I want. Jess, how did I let things get to this point? How could I not see? Phil said something on the phone that suggested he’d cheated on me before.” Jess and I are cuddled under the covers, like we used to do years ago when a good evening ended in a sleepover.
“What did he say?”
I bite my lower lip. “He asked what had changed this time, implying that he’s cheated before. I never noticed.” Saying it aloud makes me feel like a fool all over again. I’ve been blind.
“I’m sorry, Izzy. I am.” She doesn’t sound surprised. “You really are best without him. I know divorcing will be hard. You loved him for so long. What about Seb? Where does he fit in?”
“Well, isn’t that the big question? I don’t know myself.” I shrug. “It wasn’t supposed to be serious with Seb. Honestly, it wasn’t, but it grew into something I never thought could happen. He made me feel more than I could have ever imagined.” Giving words to the feelings inside of me helps me to think of the positive. Jess remains quiet, happy to let me finally talk this out. “It’s been… You know when you work something up in your head? A problem or something you hope will happen.”
“Like overthink it?”
“Yes, you think about it for hours and hours until you’re obsessing over how to achieve your goal? And then you finally reach it. Jess, being with Seb is like that. It was such a relief. Seb desired, wanted and valued me. After having none of those affections for so long, I was intoxicated. The warmth and love I felt was everything that I’d forgotten about, and was missing with Phil. I love him. I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone, even though we’ve only been together for a short while.”
“That’s great, hun.”
“I really hope that he’s in my future. We’ve not had a usual start to our relationship. We don’t really know each other. I want us to be together, but…”
“But what? What’s stopping you now?”
“Well, I’m scared. Scared of a lot of things, actually. How do I know these feelings can be true? That everything between us is real? I spent twelve years with Phil and our relationship amounted to nothing. Seb fulfils a fantasy of mine. What if things with him seem real because of the situation we’re in? Seb and I are new and fresh. What if my feelings are simply reflecting that? How can I trust what I’m feeling?”
“Hey, calm down, Izzy. Seb certainly didn’t seem unsure when he took you off me at the bar. Have some faith and believe in how you feel.”
“Perhaps. We had a fight. Seb said he wanted more than what was happening between us. I just… I don’t want to rush a relationship, yet I’m desperate to see him and work things out.” My eyes burn as the tears fall again, but I don’t worry about them now. I can cry because I love this man and I want to feel everything, including the hurt.
“Well, have you spoken to him since the other night?” I think back to the last moments with Seb, telling him how I felt after all the hurt and confusion of the evening.
“No, I haven’t. I told him that I love him, but he wanted more. He said he won’t keep seeing me if I continue to go back to Phil.”
“Well, why don’t you talk to him?”
“Do you think? I don’t want to seem like I’ve only finished with Phil because of what he said. I want him to know that I want him for him, and for what we are together. I need to try and separate the two.”
“Then you need to tell him. He should understand if he knows you at all.” She delivers this with a small smile and another squeeze of my hand. I let her words sink into my foggy brain. Maybe she’s right.
“Okay, can we talk more later? I’m still so tired and my face hurts.” We both giggle. I’m suddenly so weary. I’ve been through the week from hell.
“Fine by me, but I’m not leaving. My bed’s cold and I’m nice and comfy here.” Jess snuggles down just to make her point. “Besides, I’m not sure I’m ready to leave you alone just yet.” With that, she turns over and goes back to sleep.
On Monday I contact a solicitor recommended by the firm we use at work. If I’m serious about leaving Phil, I need to show it. The solicitor, one Mr. Osbourn, goes through the process of the divorce, which seems fairly straightforward. I give him the outline to our relationship and that he’s cheating on me with Sophie. He asks me if I’ve discussed the divorce with Phil and if he might cause any problems. I tell him that I want to end things amicably, which he is pleased about. I fill out the details he’s asked for as well as a cheque to cover his fees and the cost of the divorce. The only thing I need to forward on is our marriage certificate. For the first time in almost a week, I feel lighter. I stop to grab a bottle of wine on the way home from work and text Jess to say that we’re staying in tonight.
“Cheers!”
We clink glasses, cuddling up to each other on the sofa.
“So what grounds did you state on the divorce? Did you put Seb’s name on the paperwork?”
I’m momentarily stunned. “No! It doesn’t work that way. I outlined everything to the solicitor. About Phil, that he’s been cheating on me. Phil’s adultery will be the grounds for the divorce. Him finding out about Seb would complicate things. I’ve put up with his behaviour for so long, but the solicitor said that this is the best
way to go. I’ve got to get my marriage certificate and try and find Sophie’s details somehow, still. Then the solicitor can send off the petition.”
“Why do you need Sophie’s details—she’s Phil’s bit on the side, right?”
“Yes, I want to name her as the co-respondent.”
“Really? I thought you wanted amicable?”
“I do, but at the same time, I want Phil to hurt for what he’s put me through. I’m pleased I’ve done it, Jess, but can we not go into the details right now?”
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Please, you know I was trying to be nosey. Change of subject. What are you doing next week?”
“You mean Christmas? Nothing. I’m working right up to it. You?”
“I’m around but will be at my folks’ on the day. You’ll be more than welcome.”
“Thanks, can I think about it? I want to contact Seb. I need to make the first move, and I’m… hopeful.” I smile to myself, thinking how good it would be to spend Christmas with Seb. As my wine goes down, my mood goes up.
“I’m proud of you. I know this hasn’t been easy on you. I might remind you that if you’d not bottled up your feelings, it might have been easier.” She smiles at me and quirks her head to one side, teasing me again.
“Thank you. Are you still okay with me staying here? I’m not sure how long it will be before I’m ready to move out. I need to start paying you rent.”
“We can deal with all of that after Christmas.” She looks at the empty bottle on the table in front of us. “Do you want more wine?” Her mischievous grin has spread across her face and I can tell she’s hoping I agree.
“Sorry, I really shouldn’t. Half a bottle is my limit. Any more and I’ll have a hangover for work.”
“Fine. I suppose it is a school night. See you tomorrow.”
The Izzy and Seb Collection: The Evermore Series Books 1, 2 and 2.5 Page 27
