“Another go? Are you serious? After everything you’ve said and how you’ve treated me? I wanted us to end as friends. We’ve spent nearly half our lives together, but you couldn’t respect that enough to come clean to me. I needed you to be there for me and you chose to give up.” My forgotten hurt and disappointment at the failure of our marriage is now vibrating through me. “I’m not innocent in this either, Phil. I’m seeing someone and I’d like to be able to move on. I should have asked for the divorce a long time ago, but I didn’t have the courage.”
“I don’t care what you’ve done. We’ve both been bad, but I need you, Iz. I love you. Please… I’ll do anything.”
“No, Phil. Stop. I don’t love you anymore.”
He’s getting agitated, desperate to make me listen to him. “I’ll do the bedroom stuff. I’ll tie you up and spank you. I’ll make it good, for both of us.” He grabs for my wrists, pleading with me. I shake him away and back up against the car.
“No! This isn’t going to work. I won’t change my mind.”
“Please, I’m begging you. I love you. I’ve been an idiot. Come on, just think about it. We love each other.”
“I’m sorry, Phil, but it’s not that easy. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I want the divorce.”
“That’s it? It’s over?”
“It’s been over for a long time.” That I’ve not backed down seems to stump him.
“Please, don’t do this. Give us some time. We can work it out.”
“No. I’m not backing down. Are you still going to fight this?” It will be a hell of a lot easier if he doesn’t defend the divorce. We can both move forward. I wasn’t looking forward to having this strung out in court.
My question hangs in the air and I hold my nerve.
“No, I won’t continue to defend it.”
“Thank you.” I release a sigh, relief draining me of all my nervous energy.
Phil creeps backward, tentative in his steps, as if he’s unsure of what to do next. I watch him turn and leave without a backward glance. For the first time in months, I feel lighter. Things are finally going the way I want and I have some semblance of control over my life.
I slump into the car and lock the doors. Adrenaline from my confrontation with Phil makes my body tremble. This face-to-face might have ended on a calmer note, but I’ve not forgotten how angry he was the other day. I text Seb to say I’m heading home. I don’t mention Phil. That information is better handled in person.
The tremors finally cease as I pull into the parking space at Seb’s building. Phil’s behaviour didn’t show any of the aggression that I had come to expect from our previous confrontations. His lack of anger is unnerving all on its own. I’ve learned not to trust his word and I know I should take his visit with a pinch of salt.
“I’m home,” I call as I push the door to the apartment open. It’s been a long and tiring day and I’d like nothing more than to soak in a bath under a mountain of bubbles.
Seb’s sitting in his chair in the lounge as I walk into the apartment. He’s holding a tumbler of amber liquid and looks as tired as I feel. Seb doesn’t usually drink, so seeing him with a glass this early is different.
“Good day?” I ask in a hopeless attempt to lighten the mood. I can already feel the tension sparking in the air.
“Not particularly. You?” He doesn’t look at me and proceeds to sip his drink.
“As a matter of fact, yes. I have some good news and later I’m going to reward myself with a long soak in the tub.” Seb’s eyes flash to mine at my suggestion.
“That sounds like a great idea. First, I want us to talk. Come.” He beckons me over to sit by his feet. It’s the place that I’ve always found comforting, and I know that I won’t struggle to talk when I’m there.
I lower myself to the floor and let the familiar feeling at being in this position calm my nerves. As soon as I stop fidgeting, he starts to smooth my hair. His touch sweeps away all of my tension and stress. The gentle caress lulls me into a dreamy haze. My eyes drift close and my breathing slows. His touch is hypnotic.
“I know you like this. Tell me your good news.”
“Well, Mark is really happy with my work. I told you I’ve been doing more client work, and it’s paying off. He said if I can keep it up he’ll make me senior account manager.” With Seb’s relaxing caress and the good news, I feel blissful.
“That’s fantastic news. I know how hard you’ve been working recently. Congratulations.” He places a gentle kiss on the top of my head. My body lights up with shivers. “Why didn’t you let me know earlier?”
“I didn’t want to share the good news in a quick text. Plus Mark only told me as I was rushing out the door.”
“They don’t have to be quick, Izzy. You’re choosing to see them like that because you feel you’re checking in. We’ve been over this before.”
“I’m sorry. I know we have, but I still feel the same way about them. Texting used to be nice, and sometimes it still is nice, but not when I have to stick to a schedule.” My happy mood fades into the past.
“I’ve been thinking about what will help you feel more confident about my feelings for you. I thought that telling you I loved you would be enough, but I know you still have doubts.”
“I know you love me. I don’t have any doubts about that.” I’m quick to reassure him. I don’t want him to think I don’t believe him. I turn and pull myself up on to his lap. “I love you and I know you love me.”
“But…?”
“Does there have to be a but?” I look at his chest, hiding as I know what’s coming.
“But you still don’t think you’re enough for me. You still worry. So…” He pulls me into him and wraps me tightly against his body. “I think we should move, get a new place together that’s just for us. It can be our home. We can build it together.”
I look at Seb, the concern now gone from his face. It’s like him asking me to move in with him all over again. I’m trapped between screaming at him and hugging him. My voice is trapped inside my throat. I don’t think I’d be able to speak, even if I knew what to say.
“Are you going to say anything or just stare at me?”
“I’m not sure what to say at the moment. We’re already living together.”
“I know. But I want us to start building our future together. I understand that you have insecurities and I want to help ease these for you. I want to show you that you’re it for me. Having our own home will help. You can stop worrying if you know you’ll be enough for me.”
“I can’t commit to something as significant as buying a house with you, just like that. Besides, I don’t have any money and I won’t until the divorce becomes final and the house I owned with Phil is sold. Hopefully, I can avoid a court date now and things will move a little faster.”
“Oh, why’s that?”
My heart stops and my stomach lurches. I try to sit up on Seb’s lap but his arms have turned to steel bands, locking me to him. “Have you spoken to him?” Seb’s voice has gone eerily soft.
“Yes.”
“When was this?”
“He caught me as I was leaving work.” I know that I should have told him this first, but I wanted to have the good news before the bad.
“I’ve been quite clear that you’re to tell me every time you have any contact with him. Fuck, you were cowering behind your door when I came to pick you up at Jess’s.” He jostles me from his lap and starts pacing round the room. Guilt assaults me as I realise how badly I screwed up, even though it was unintended. Stupid Izzy!
“I just wanted to come home and tell you the good news.”
“Well, that’s what I was hoping for as well—to share something with you to help you. Us!” He fists his hands in his hair and I can’t escape from feeling like a silly little girl. “I’ve tried time and time again to get you to be more open with your feelings and communicate with me. It’s the first rule we had. After everything we’ve been through, I’d h
oped that you could at least talk to me now. Clearly, I was wrong.”
No, no, don’t… I can.
“Seb, please. I wanted to have some good news to share with you today. I’ve been better at talking.”
“Yes, when I push you. You offer less now than you did when we were first together. Despite everything, I can’t get through to you.” I stand still, watching Seb pace like a caged animal. “I hate that he was anywhere near you, Isabel. I know you can’t do anything to speed up the divorce, but that decree absolute can’t come quick enough.” Seb heads over to the kitchen, pours himself a drink and swiftly downs another. He walks straight past me and heads towards the door. “I’m going to go out for some air.” He doesn’t turn around and slams the door as he leaves.
I’ve had too much alcohol to drive. I smash through the lobby doors and start along the pavement. I need to get my frustrations in check. Izzy doesn’t seem to understand my feelings for her; as much as I try to show her, she doubts. I’d hoped that being together, her confidence would grow, like it did when we first started seeing each other. Being connected to that shit of a husband keeps crippling her self-confidence, no matter what I do to help her. Fuck! My mood is darker than it has ever been, and I know that unless I get this ache, this pain, out of my system, I won’t be able to go back to her tonight.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pray that it isn’t her. I slow my pace enough to dig my phone out of my trousers and see Natasha’s name on the screen.
Hey, stranger. Do you fancy a drink? Or I could meet you at Solace. Nat.
Drink. I’m walking into town now. We can meet. S
I should have known that would warrant a call from her. My phone rings in my hand before I get a chance to put the damn thing away.
“Hello, Natasha.”
“Don’t give me that tone, Sebastian. Why are you walking into town? It’s a forty-five minute walk.”
“I’ve already had a few drinks tonight and I need to clear my head.” I haven’t slowed my pace. I drive my excess tension into every step.
“Where are you?”
“I’m about five minutes from my apartment. I’ll wait for you outside the Costa.”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes. Do you want to go for a drink or to Solace?”
“Drink. I’m in no state to be at Solace.” I know that she’s not going to let that comment slide, but right now, I don’t give a fuck. She might be able to shed some much-needed light on the unresolved issues I have with Izzy.
Twenty minutes later, we’re sitting in a quiet bar of a boutique hotel that Natasha loves, on the outskirts of the city. I turn the heavy glass tumbler around in my fingers, watching the amber liquid ripple in the glass.
“You don’t often brood. It’s unbecoming.” Natasha has allowed me the time on our journey here to compose myself before her scrutiny begins. I knew it would be coming.
“I’ve never been in a position like this before.”
“So why are you brooding?” She sits back and waits.
“Isabel is challenging every part of my self-control and I am struggling with how to deal with that.” She lifts her perfectly shaped eyebrow, offering a disapproving stare. No words are needed. I know that she’s waiting on the full story. “Isabel and I had a fight. I’ve set some expectations regarding how we communicate and she’s struggling with them, to the point of being disobedient.”
“You’re being purposefully vague. I’ve been away for two weeks. We don’t see each other regularly, but who the fuck is Isabel? I swear, Seb, if she’s another vanilla sweetie playing at being a sub just to screw you…”
“No.” My tone leaves no room for question, and even though Natasha is a Domme, she understands when to stop. “She is a beautiful submissive. Vulnerable, yet strong. Sexy as sin and everything I want.”
“So why are you here with me and not with your sub?”
I take the next half hour explaining how Isabel and I got together—our initial friendship, the coincidence of meeting again, her first trusting step into my world. It brings all of the feelings we had—our story—back to my mind, and the frustration and anger ebb away. Natasha listens dutifully. The murderous look she gives me when I gloss over the point where I went up to Manchester tells me that she certainly doesn’t approve.
“You abandoned the woman you love?” This time it’s her tone that leaves no room for question. “Not only do you love her, she is your submissive. You effectively scened with her and then left her aftercare to no-one. You fucked up, Seb.” My opinions on the events before Christmas are different to Natasha’s, but they still hit a nerve.
“I don’t see it like that. I told her I wouldn’t continue our relationship as an affair. She needed to hear it. It was her choice what to do next. I made my intentions very clear to her.” I down the scant inch of liquid left in the glass and head to order another from the bar. I bring back two filled glasses and sit back down, steeling myself for the rest of this conversation.
Natasha has been my mentor, if you will, from my first foray into BDSM. She introduced me to what being a Dom meant and brought me to Solace. She’s helped me to navigate my way through the world that I’ve always wanted to share with the right person. We have, on many occasions, locked horns on what’s right for me. She doesn’t understand my reluctance to play with a different submissive each week. She’s happy being a Domme and isn’t looking to settle down. I constantly battled with finding the right woman who didn’t scare at the first show of handcuffs.
“So, you fucked up, in my opinion, but you still have her. Explain.” She won’t back down on her opinion on how we ended. For now, I’ll let her have it.
“She left her husband. I wasn’t about to wait for her more than I already had, so I moved her in. I wanted to push to see how far her submissive streak went, so I proposed a TPE on two occasions a week.” That’s what I want. Total Power Exchange. Natasha picks up her glass of water and lets me continue. “As well as that, I imposed some rules around keeping in contact. It was to keep us connected, especially when I was away for work and so I knew if her idiot of an ex came near her.” Thinking about Phil brings out my possessive streak like nothing else. Izzy is mine, body and soul.
“So why are you brooding?”
“Izzy is struggling to find her way with the TPE I introduced, as well as some trust issues. She’s fighting against what she wants to do and what she believes she should.”
“And as her Dom, it’s your job to guide her.”
“I am. I’ve backed off. I know I can’t press her too hard, but at the same time she needs reassurance, consistency. She needs to believe that she’s it for me.”
“Is she?”
“Yes.” I look at Natasha, daring her to challenge me on this. Surprisingly, she doesn’t. She smiles.
“So…”
“She lied to me about why she came home late. Her dick-wad of an ex showed up, and instead of telling me straight away, she told me the other news about her day. I told her that I think we should get our own place. Something for us, but she doesn’t want that, which is fucking ridiculous because we already live together.” I don’t mean to sound so much like a petulant teenager, but I can’t help myself.
“You’re frustrated.”
“No shit.” I down my drink and nurse the empty glass on the table.
“Why are you frustrated?” I think about her question. It’s lots of things; that Izzy and I are struggling, that we haven’t found that perfect balance that seemed to come so naturally when we were seeing each other before. I’m frustrated at myself and at the fact that Phil is still in the picture. I want her to be mine and she won’t believe in that until she’s divorced. I’m all in with her, mind, body and fucking soul, and I’d marry her tomorrow if I could.
I don’t answer her question and instead grow more agitated with my own thoughts.
“Okay, so why did you ask her to move? You said she’s already living with you.”
“She�
�s moved into my place, yes, but I want more than that with Izzy. She’s a beautiful woman who, at the moment, needs my reassurance. I thought that we could start afresh with our own place. Somewhere for us to build memories, not tainted by the circumstances in which we met or the women in my past. I hoped that she would see this as a step forward together.”
“This is new for you. You’ve found ‘your one’ and now you’re rushing to cement that relationship the only way you know how. By control and force. What about the TPE? How is she responding to that element?”
“I started light. I explained that I wanted to explore it with her. She would light up from within when she submitted, like she could let go of all of her worries and finally be who she wants to me. I want to see more of that Izzy.”
“Good. But you need to remember that she’s vulnerable, sensitive, and probably more so coming out of a marriage. You may be doing it in your ever-so-caring way, but you’re still pushing her. Hard. Give her some time.”
“I’m doing everything I can to offer her what she needs, to show her how much I love her, but it hurts that she doubts that.”
“Do you think she really doubts your love or that she’s struggling with her emotions?”
She raises that eyebrow again, challenging me.
“Fuck.” Natasha’s words make a lot of sense.
“Yes, indeed. What’s she telling you? Communicating to you? Why did she not tell you about Phil right away? Why is she struggling with some aspects of her submission and not others?”
I let out a huge sigh. This has been a barrier for Izzy since the beginning. She struggles to express her feelings.
“She’s not the best at keeping me informed about how she’s feeling. I’ve been working with her on it and been straight from the beginning. She knows the importance of being open and honest with each other.”
The Izzy and Seb Collection: The Evermore Series Books 1, 2 and 2.5 Page 41
