“What’s happened, Izzy?”
“It’s Phil. He’s ruined everything.”
“Phil? I thought this was about work?” I pull away from her so that I can talk.
“It is. I got… I got fired.” Tears drop to my cheeks, blurring my view of Jess.
“How? I don’t understand.”
“He told Mark about my private blog and websites I used to visit.”
“So?”
“So, because my work revolves around social media, there is a clause to state that I can’t do anything that could jeopardise the reputation of the company. Apparently the subject matter of my blog wasn’t deemed appropriate.” I can feel the rage building in the pit of my stomach. The more I speak the words, the more I explain, the more I hate Phil. Every single word adds weight to my hatred, my resentment of the man I used to love.
“Are you sure that’s a clause in your contract? Have you checked it?”
“No.”
“I can look over it for you, see if there is something that can counter this?”
“No, I can’t go back. I just needed someone to…”
“Have you spoken to Seb?”
“No. I can’t. Not yet.” How can I admit that this has happened? I wrap my arms around myself, shielding me from what I will have to tell him.
“He’ll understand. He’ll look after you. You don’t need to worry, Izzy.” She strokes my shoulder, trying to comfort me.
“I know that, but I don’t want that. I want my own job, my own independence. I’m good at my job. Phil has abused and attacked me and now he’s taken something I love. I hate him! Phil…”
“Shh, it’s alright. We can deal with one problem at a time.”
The anger is bubbling up again, but it’s accompanied by a panic, a fear that I’m not used to feeling. It’s clawing at me, tearing down all of the good that I’ve built up with Seb. Everything that I wanted to move toward is falling away.
I stand and begin pacing the room. I can’t cope. This is all too much. Suddenly, I hear the front door shut and Seb walks into the front room.
“Hey, I wasn’t expecting you to be home.” He halts and looks between me and Jess. “Is everything okay? Has something happened?”
“Perhaps I should go,” Jess offers, and stands between us. I see her give a concerned look to Seb before heading to the door. I can’t wait any longer and lunge towards Seb, needing his comfort.
“I appreciate you being here for Izzy,” he whispers.
I peep up and mouth thank you to Jess as she sneaks out of the apartment.
He lets me cling to him for a few moments, gathering my strength. After this morning talking things out with Dr. Cross I was feeling strong. I don’t want Phil to have the power to make me feel bad.
“Do you need to go back to work?” I ask, letting go of him and putting some distance between us.
“Yes, I’m meeting a client this afternoon. Look, Izzy, just tell me what’s going on.” The concern in his voice cuts through the air.
“I was fired. Mark fired me. Phil told Mark about my Tumblr and other sites. He’s still controlling my life and I don’t want him to.” I push back from his chest so he can see the mess that I am.
“Fired? What for?”
“Breaching my contract. There was a link to one of my BDSM accounts back to me. That was enough. I don’t have a job now.” I can see that Seb is trying to rein in his temper.
“I want you to take me to Solace tonight.” I blurt it out, but stand my ground. I need to show Seb that I can get back to what we had. I need to fight for us.
“Izzy, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Now, please, tell me what has happened, and think very carefully before you answer.” He shifts his body so he’s standing directly over me, challenging me. I walk up to him and wrap my arms around his neck.
“Please take me to Solace,” I whisper in his ear. “I want you to dominate me. To take back what he’s taken from me.” I bury my face into his neck, his body now stiff with tension after my quiet words.
Seb scoops me up and plants us on the sofa so I’m snuggled on his lap.
“Sweetheart, you need to help me out and explain. Why were you home with Jess? Did you go and speak to Dr. Cross?”
“Yes, I saw her this morning. I’m going to continue to see her.”
“That’s really great, but I don’t think we need to go to Solace straight away.”
“You don’t understand. I need this. I need to do something positive, fight back against him and show him, or me, that he won’t have any more power over me. It’s my life that I want, and I want us.”
“You have us, Izzy. Nothing has changed. And we don’t need to worry about your job. I’ll take care of you.”
“Thank you, but I also need and want my own independence.” I’m off his lap and stomping around the room. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t see why I need to have something that is for me. I need to take the power that Phil took back.
“Okay, Izzy, but I’m not taking you to Solace when you’re like this. We need to talk and you’re upset right now.”
“Upset? Really? You think I’m upset? What gave you that impression?” I scoff.
“Izzy, don’t be like this.”
“I want to go, Seb. If you won’t take me then I’ll go on my own.”
“Like hell you will. You won’t set foot inside without me.”
“Really?” I shout, suddenly more than happy to take out my pain on the man I love.
“Yes, really. I will not play with you when you’re like this.”
“Fine, play with Natasha. Show me what you’ll do to me.”
“What? No. Never.”
“Why not?”
“Because I love you, and I’m not going to touch another sub. No one but you, Izzy.” Seb crosses the room and grabs my shoulders, making me face him. “No one but you, even when you’re being ridiculous. Look at me. Look. At. Me.” He holds my gaze and I feel every word he says.
“I won’t let him win, Seb. I can’t. All I wanted was to be free from him and have my life with you. First he argued over the divorce, then he attacked me and now he’s taken my job. He’s taking everything from me and I want it back.”
“He hasn’t taken me.”
“But he will,” I plead. “What if I always get panicked when you go to tie my hands or ankles? What if I can’t see past the fear? I want to be the person you’ve been looking for, your ideal submissive, but I’m scared that I’m nowhere near close to that, and now this. I can’t lose you too.”
“No, you won’t. That will never happen.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. I love you. I’m your partner, your lover, your Dom. It’s my job to protect you, to cherish you and watch over you. It’s also my job to tell you when you’re being irrational and talking crap.” With his words, my anger ebbs and my heart bleeds for what’s happened to us over the last few weeks.
“I need this, Seb.”
“I know, sweetheart. But not like this.”
“Then how? I’m sick of feeling scared. I’m sick of feeling what Phil did to me when we’re together. I need to get over these memories. I need it.” Desperation has taken root and I now have a single-minded focus on fixing us.
“Okay, but not tonight. What did Dr. Cross say?”
“She said that I need to look at the attack as a single event and realise that Phil can’t take my happiness. She’s going to try some eye movement therapy with me as well.”
“That’s good.”
“So what’s stopping us from going to Solace? You said we would after I saw a counsellor.”
“That was before today happened. Take some time, Izzy. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You don’t understand, Seb.”
“And you don’t get to dictate to me. I told you we would do it my way.” His voice switches and it knocks the frustration out of me. “I’ll phone Natasha and we’ll watch a scene.”
“
How will that help?”
“I’ll speak to her and choreograph it. It will be everything I want from a scene with you, but you’ll be safely in my arms. You can see how nothing bad will happen. I know you’re hurting, sweetheart, but you need to listen to me and trust I know what’s best. I won’t be pressed on this.” His comforting words are edged with the dominance that has the ability to melt my body.
“When?”
“Tomorrow night.”
“Really?” My hopes rise at his suggestion.
“Really. Trust me, Izzy. We’ll get through this.”
White-hot fury burns through me at what that bastard has done to Izzy. Not content with emotionally and physically abusing her, he’s taken away her livelihood and with it, her newfound confidence and happiness. She should have let me kill the fucker.
She’s finally sleeping, exhausted from the stress of the day. I’ve never seen her so wound up, so frantic. At least when she told me she wanted some space she seemed calm about her decision. She’s clawing to try to regain her footing and grasping at any solution, no matter the cost.
Taking her to Solace would be a disaster. I’m not sure that waiting until tomorrow will be much better, but I know Izzy well enough to know that she won’t back down from this. I just hope that Natasha will help. Pacing the room, I call her.
“Hey, look, if you’re upset about my little announcement…”
“That’s not why I’ve called. Natasha, I need your help.” No matter our differences, Natasha has always been there to support me.
She’s instantly supportive. “What do you need?”
“I need to take Izzy to Solace, but I’m not playing with her. She thinks by going to the club she’ll magically get back some sense of control that her ex-husband took away. She has a couple of triggers when she submits. She’s seeing the counsellor that Luke put me in touch with, but that fucker has just had her fired. She’s seeing overcoming these barriers as the only positive thing she can do.” I sit at my desk and try to relieve the steel ropes that have replaced the muscles in my neck.
“What do you have in mind?”
“Izzy is drowning in self-doubt, lack of confidence and independence. I need to show her that she doesn’t have to worry about any of that. She needs to believe in us. I need to reach the woman who arrived at my door all those months ago, ready to submit to me and put her trust in me.”
“Okay. I still don’t understand why you need my help, but for once we agree on the goal of the situation.”
“I want you to do the scene that I would do, if I was with Izzy before the attack. I want her to see how I would take her submission and use it to solidify our trust.” I imagine everything I would do to her in vivid detail—her position, the bindings, the words I’d use to reinforce my message.
“Okay, I can see where you’re going. Have you got it all worked out?”
“Yes.” I hesitate. “Thank you, Natasha.”
“Hey, anytime. I can see how much she means to you, and I think this is a good way to try and get through to her. It will make her see that her submission is a gift, that she holds the power. Now, you need to take me through this scene step by step. If it involves a spanking, I think Sarah would be perfect for this.”
Despite being put to bed like a child, I obviously needed the sleep. Twelve hours later, I feel a whole lot more confident about getting a handle on my life. Seb has brought me coffee and is working in his study. Thankfully, he isn’t hovering.
My eyes are red raw and my stomach rumbles in protest at not eating for most of yesterday. I wrap myself in my robe and head to the kitchen, determined to start my day positively and not disintegrate into the emotional wreck that I am under the surface. I remember all of the events from yesterday, culminating in fighting with Seb, insisting that he take me to Solace. In my not-so-rational mind, ripping the plaster off in one go will hurt less than trying to pull it free slowly. In the stark reality of morning, I’m not so sure. Seb has agreed, though. Surely that means that I’m not completely certifiable? No, I’m stronger than this. I’ve been a coward for far too long. Phil can’t do this to me anymore.
I brew a fresh pot of coffee and set about making breakfast. As I whisk the eggs, my mind skips to my first visit to Solace. A huge part of the thrill of that night was the anticipation and the build-up. My nerves were both fighting against me and adding to the slow burn of lust, ready to catch fire at Seb’s request.
My anticipation is tainted, now. I know what I fear—being tied down with no way out, no physical way to shield myself from hands set to deliver pain and not pleasure. The powerless position I could be in, with no safeword and no-one to save me. I squeeze my eyes tight and breathe out the bad memories. Letting them overtake me won’t help later on.
The eggs are thoroughly beaten, so I start them cooking in the pan. I’m not hiding that I’m up and about, but Seb hasn’t ventured out to see me. I finish off the eggs and then take a fresh mug of coffee in to him. He’s been nothing but supportive of me and I know that it’s been difficult for him.
“Hi.” I peek around the corner of his office door.
“Good morning. You can come in, you know?”
“I know. I didn’t want to disturb you. I know you’re home today because of me.”
“Yes, and there is nothing wrong with that.” He beckons me over, and I walk to his desk, setting the mug down next to his open laptop.
“How are you feeling this morning?”
“Hungry. I made some eggs. I don’t think I ate yesterday.” Seb stands and walks over to me. He takes my hand and leads me back out into the kitchen.
“Sit and eat,” he orders with a pointed look at the kitchen table, and I’m happy to oblige. I fork my eggs under Seb’s patient gaze, knowing that we’ll be talking after I’ve finished. He moves to pour himself a new cup of coffee, the one in the study forgotten.
Last night, I felt like my whole world was coming down around me, that because of my decision to leave Phil, to take something for me, I was being punished. By Phil. Today, I still feel like my world is in shards of glass, smashed on the floor, but I still have Seb standing by me. He is the beacon of hope that I need to reach for. He can light my way back. I just need to have the courage to face my monsters to get there.
“I’ve spoken to Natasha and we will go to Solace tonight.” His words are spoken with a tense edge, despite his relaxed appearance. “We do this under the same understanding, though, Izzy. You follow my rules, my command, and you submit without hesitation. Wear your anklet. Understand?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Come here.” He opens his arms and I run into them, suddenly feeling like a small child needing comfort. “It will be alright, Izzy. You have to believe that I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”
“I know.” I mumble the words against his warm chest and hope that he’s right.
A blanket of dark cloud has been drawn across the world as the sun sets in the sky. It’s still early to be at Solace, but Seb has been very particular on this. It will be by his rules or we leave. I’m in the same backless dress as I was last time, the same skyscraper heels. I won’t be swayed from my decision, and although Seb refuses to play with me here, I want to know how he would. I need my mind to let go of the fear and accept what Seb’s actions would be.
I miss the satisfaction from submitting to Seb. I miss the connection and the respite from my doubts. I want to fight for that as much as I want to fight Phil for taking it away from me. Will that be enough, though? Will I be enough?
The same smartly dressed ‘butler’ opens the oak door as Seb cradles me against his side. We walk into the entryway and my heart jumps as the door closes behind us. The nerves that are firing at a hundred miles an hour aren’t because of what might happen tonight. They are because of my fear that this won’t work and I’ll be stuck in panic mode.
Seb moves silently through the restaurant to the frosted glass doors. Natasha is sitting at a secluded booth to t
he side of the room with a beautiful woman next to her. Natasha looks mesmerising—her hair pulled back and braided in a French plait, containing the curls, a dark coloured corset making a feast of her breasts, which are spilling from the top. My eyes reluctantly leave her as we reach the doorway that Seb ushers me through.
“Last chance, Izzy. You don’t have to do this. You have nothing to prove.”
“I know.” I look up at him and see the concern darkening his aqua eyes.
“Once we enter, you’re my submissive. You do as I say with no hesitation. I’ll check in with you more often than usual. Remember, ‘yellow’ if you need to take a moment and ‘black’ if you want to leave. We won’t be actually doing a scene, but I will be touching you. Understand?”
“Yes.” I melt into the authority of his voice and feel the stirrings of desire in the pit of my stomach.
Seb’s lips crash into mine in a brutal but possessive kiss. It knocks me off-kilter and I react on instinct, giving in to his demanding tongue. His purposeful strokes claim me and I whimper under his intensity. I feel my nipples pebble against the fabric of the dress, my body already flushed from his kiss alone.
As quickly as he started, Seb moves away and pulls me to his side as he opens the door through to the more intimate areas of Solace. He guides us to one of the small, secluded bars and orders me a gin and tonic and himself a sparkling water. We sit in the corner of the bar in plush, wing-backed chairs. Seb’s gaze is locked onto me. Every breath, every fidget of my body has his full attention.
Coupled with the worry that I might never be able to relax into submission again is my fear that Seb will grow to resent me if I can’t. And to top off my growing pressure, I’ve forced Seb’s hand in bringing me here.
I force my negativity away and try to focus on why I insisted on this. I sip my drink and let the ice-cold liquid settle my knotted stomach. From my position, I can see out into the hallway. Natasha is standing on the periphery, the woman from the restaurant in her shadow. The woman whose eyes I wanted to scratch out now looks as formidable as she does mesmerising.
The Izzy and Seb Collection: The Evermore Series Books 1, 2 and 2.5 Page 50
