by Delisa Lynn
We all just sit there in silence and stare at Addison, hoping she'll start breathing.
“Eric, did Ads tell you about the test?” I ask.
“No, what test?”
“Oh dear God, I’m so sorry. She's pregnant. She just found out on Thanksgiving. She was planning to surprise you.”
Eric falls to the ground. My dad runs to him. He and Ashton take Eric to another room.
***
“Evan, I’m going to need you to come here as soon as you can. I need you, babe. It’s not looking good. Ads isn’t going to pull through.”
“I’m packing now and I’m on my way. Do you need anything?”
“Please call Nikki for me. You have her number?”
“Yes, I’ll call her.”
“Lila, I love you and I’ll be there soon.”
“I love you too.”
As I stare at the white walls, I wonder where Liam is. I know how much he loves Addison; she's like a sister to him. I wish he would just come walking through the door. I would love for him to hold me in his arms and tell me everything will be okay. I sit there, not talking to anyone.
I’m not sure when I fell asleep or how long I've been asleep, but when I feel a man putting his arms around me, I jump up.
“Liam!” I yell.
“It’s okay, sweetie, I’m here. Wake up. Lila, it’s me. I’m here for you.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Evan.”
“It’s okay. I understand.”
The doctor comes in and says Addie's condition isn't good. He thinks it's time to let her go, that it isn’t even her in there anymore. She's an organ donor and they need to prep her to take any organs that they can. Though they find out she's nine weeks pregnant, there's nothing they can do for Ads or the baby. Unfortunately, she wasn't far enough along to save the baby.
That bastard took my best friend and my niece or nephew. He's going to pay.
A week after the shooting, when we're all gathered in the room, the Ellis' decide it's time to turn the ventilator off. I can’t believe this—my best friend is dead. I can see the hurt in Eric’s eyes as he approaches me.
He falls into my arms, almost knocking me over. Evan has to hold me up.
“Lila, I loved her so much. I was going to propose to her. I have the ring. I was waiting until next month. Why didn’t he shoot me? Why did he take my Addison and our unborn baby?”
“Oh Eric, I’m so sorry. She loved you more than anything.”
I hold my brother and we cry together. Evan is standing behind me, also crying. I know exactly how Eric feels because I lost Liam. I’m lucky enough to have Evan, but he isn’t my Liam.
The next couple days are some of the hardest days of my life. Nikki and Brody fly in. I’m confused about their relationship, but I don’t ask questions. I can’t eat or sleep. I've lost my very best friend and my brother has lost his love.
***
At the memorial, I try to keep it together while reading a poem I wrote for my best friend. I can feel tears streaming down my cheeks as I choke on my words. The lump in my throat is so big I struggle to breathe. I want Addie back. Why did that guy kill her?
As I struggle to speak and breathe, Ashton wraps his big, tattooed arms around me and whispers, “You got this, babe. Addison loved you more than anyone. Lila, you can do this. We will get through this together. She was your sister too and she would want you to be strong and do this.”
He wipes my tears away with his thumbs. We stand there, hugging and crying as we watch the pictures of Addison’s life roll across the big monitor. The song that comes on first is “I’ll Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan. Most of the pictures are of her with Nikki and me or her and Ashton through the years. Then there are the ones with Liam and the ones with the love of her life, my poor baby brother, Eric.
My heart hurts for him so bad. I feel my knees shaking even more. The music keeps ringing through my ears. One of Addie's favorite songs was “You’re The Inspiration” by Chicago. We would listen to that song over and over in her room when we were younger. I asked her mom to add it to the video and now I wish I hadn’t.
I have never held Ashton’s hand so tight. I don’t hate him—he was a really good friend before we started dating. We sit back in our seats. I’m so glad Evan is here. I think I would have fainted if I hadn’t felt his arms around me through the rest of the service.
After the services, we all go back to Mr. and Mrs. Ellis’s house. I see a picture above the mantle. It’s Addie, Liam, Ashton, Eric, and I the day of graduation. It feels just like yesterday.
Nikki hugs me as we look at the picture of two of the most important people I have lost in such a short time. It just doesn’t seem fair. I never imagined this would happen to two of the people I loved the most.
***
Before heading back to New York, I have dinner with my parents and Eric to let them know about my engagement. We all go to me and Addie’s favorite restaurant. It's the first time I've ever been here without her. I can feel her presence.
“I just wanted to bring you all together to announce that Evan and I are engaged.”
My parents are thrilled. I can tell Eric isn’t as happy as I would have liked him to be, but under the circumstances, I know it's okay. He likes Evan, but he misses Liam too.
After dinner, my dad takes the guys fishing while Nikki and I go shopping with my mom. I just want to head back to NYU and try to move forward.
Chapter Twenty-One
Evan, Brody, and I fly back to New York and Nikki goes back to Ohio. She's so worried about me, she texts me twenty times a day the first couple of weeks. Every day, I do the same thing—go to class, go back to my dorm and stare at pictures of Liam. Evan knows I’m not feeling well, so he stays with me. Christmas is in a week and I don’t want to go home.
I tell Evan I don’t want to exchange gifts, but of course he won’t take no for an answer. “You’re my fiancée, Lila. I’m not going to let you sit here and be depressed all the damn time. Your birthday is next week too.”
Yeah, my birthday…it's been a year since Vinny told me Liam was missing. Now this birthday is going to hurt even worse.
I decide to go home anyway. Evan goes to Utah with Brody. He’s upset that we won’t be together this Christmas since we've spent the last two together. I love Evan, but I just don’t feel like being around him or his family right now. All I really want to do is sit in my dorm with a book and not speak to anyone.
I call my parents to let them know I’ll be home; they're so happy. Eric hasn’t gone back to school, so he's still home. My mother and I go shopping and start planning the wedding. Even though she's so happy, I’m just not in the shopping spirit. In the last year, I've lost two people I loved dearly.
“Lila, can we talk?”
“Sure, little brother, what’s up?”
“I wanted to let you know that the Ellis’s are going to declare Liam dead.”
“What?” I yell. “How? They have no body! No fucking way they are doing this!”
I just lost Ads and her baby; I can’t admit that Liam is dead too.
“It’s been over a year. He isn’t coming back,” Eric says. I fall into his arms. “Ashton and Christabella are the ones who told me.”
I call Ashton.
“My parents said they're tired of waiting and going on like this is only causing them more heartache,” Ashton says. “We need closure and we need to lay Liam to rest.”
With tears in my eyes, I say, “Okay.”
How can they do this to Liam?
Evan calls me on Christmas to tell me how much he misses me, how lonely he is. I miss him too, but I just want to be alone. I help my mom make dinner and we all exchange gifts. Eric cries most of the day; he was going to ask Ads to marry him today.
He and I go for a walk along the beach and talk about everything that has happened.
“Are you really in love with Evan? Or are you just marrying him because he's here?”
I sigh. �
�I love him almost as much as I love Liam. I’m not sure how I fell in love with both of them, but I did. I do want to marry Evan. He’s a wonderful man.”
“How did you move on? I mean, it’s only been a month, but I can still feel Addie. I can still smell her and sometimes hear her. It hurts so fucking bad. We were supposed to be together forever. Did she tell you we were going to move to New York next year?”
I can see the pain in my little brother’s eyes. It breaks my heart to see him like this.
“No, she didn’t tell me.”
“We'd decided that we wanted to be closer to you.”
I squeeze his hand. “We should get back. I’m sure mom needs help putting everything away.”
***
The day after Christmas, I get a text from Mrs. Ellis asking me to come over.
When I get there, I see a man in uniform standing in the Ellis' living room. I know they're going to declare Liam Ellis dead, but I didn't think they'd do it this soon.
“No! You aren’t doing this yet! You can’t!” I cry. “We just buried Addison; I’m not ready to bury Liam. How the fuck can you guys do this? What if he isn’t dead? You're killing him! You're killing me! You can’t make it real. Please, let’s continue to look for him!”
Ashton pulls me down on his lap. “Lila, calm down. This is Sergeant Smith. He has some news about Liam.”
“Mr. Ellis’s plane went down in Colorado eighteen months ago and we couldn’t find any bodies. We got a call last week. They found some survivors late that year and they were being held in a hospital there. No one had any identification on them. The medical staff didn’t know who to contact, so they just started taking care of everyone. Some were fatalities and some were in comas.
“One gentleman woke up months ago; he says his name is Liam. We aren’t sure if it is in fact Mr. Ellis or not, but we would like to find out. We need someone to fly there to verify.”
“I’ll go,” I say.
“Lila!” Ashton says. “What if it isn’t him? Don’t get your hopes up. You need to stay here. Eric and I can go.”
“No, I’m going!”
While sitting on the plane, all I can do is cry. I’m nervous, excited and praying that this is my Liam.
My Liam. What about Evan? I think to myself. I love Evan, but my heart is Liam’s—even though I haven’t seen him in almost two years, even though I’ve been living another life.
***
The hospital smells awful. It's a small, dirty looking place. There aren’t even rooms, just beds everywhere. I see a man lying in a bed in the hall.
“Ashton, is that Liam?”
“I’m not sure. It kind of looks like him, but I haven’t seen him in so long.”
A nurse asks us who we're looking for and Ashton tells her. She takes us to the bed in the hall.
“Liam, these people are looking for you.”
He smiles a weak smile. “My beautiful…Lila Rae.”
I fall to the bed, crying so hard I can't get any words out, and hug Liam. Breathe, breathe, I keep telling myself. I grab his face and kiss him so fucking hard; I never want to let him go again.
“Oh, Liam! You're here, you’re really here. I thought I would never see you again.”
“You’re what kept me alive. Thinking about your beautiful face and that sexy body of yours…you’re my reason for living and breathing,” Liam says.
I can’t stop kissing him.
“May I speak to you, ma’am?” Ashton asks the nurse. “What happened? They said he was in a coma.”
“Yes, sir. When they brought the men in, he was one of the lucky ones. He was unconscious. We did all kinds of testing and he was fine. He was in a deep coma.
“He's fine now, no brain injuries or memory loss. He's been in therapy to learn to walk again because he was out for so long. We wanted to get his muscles back to normal, so he's been exercising. He’s been doing great! He kept asking for a Lila or Addison. Is that young woman one of them?”
“Yes, she's his girlfriend, Lila.” Ashton lowers his voice. “Addison is my sister, his cousin, but she was killed last month. We should wait on telling him, shouldn’t we?”
“Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry to hear that. Liam spoke very highly of her. I would suggest you wait until he gets home to explain it all to him.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“I've missed you, my love,” Liam says. “Where are Addie and Eric?”
“They’re back home,” Ashton says.
I look at Ashton, tears in my eyes, and nod. I hate that we have to lie, but I understand.
“They’re releasing me to go back home this week,” Liam says.
“I’ll stay with you, Liam.”
Ashton raises his eyebrow. Liam has no idea I have a fiancé. What am I going to do about my wonderful Evan?
The next couple of days, Liam and I laugh and catch up. I never mention Addison. I change the subject whenever he asks. Evan keeps calling and texting. My mother told him that we found Liam. I don’t know what to do. I don't want to hurt Evan. God, what am I going to do? I feel like I just borrowed and used Evan.
Right now, I need Addison so bad. She hasn’t even been gone a month and we find Liam. I have some very adult choices to make and I have no clue what the fuck I’m going to do. I never mention Evan to Liam; I’m afraid he's gonna ask. So far, he hasn’t.
A week later, I go to his doctor with him. Like the nurse said, he's doing great. He's young and strong; he'll be just fine.
When we land in San Francisco, I can see the joy in Liam’s face. “Lila Rae, you aren’t leaving me again,” he says. I smile.
I go to the Ellis’s with Liam. It's time to tell him about Addison.
“Liam…”
I start to cry, so Ashton takes over. “Addie was killed last month. She was in a gas station and it was being robbed. They shot her. She lost too much blood. They couldn’t save her or her baby. They tried everything they could.”
At first Liam is quiet. Then he pulls me down on his lap and holds me as we cry together.
“Her baby? I can’t believe she’s gone. It’s not fair!” Liam shouts.
“She was a few months pregnant. She just found out on Thanksgiving. No one knew except me. She didn't get a chance to tell Eric.” It feels like that day all over again.
“We'll find the bastard that did this,” Liam growls.
“I promise you we will,” I reply.
“I know it hurts, but we just have to move on,” Ashton says.
My phone rings and I see that it's Evan; I send him to voice mail. I’ll call him back when I figure out what to say. Right now, Liam needs me more than he has ever needed anyone.
I know I need to talk to Evan. I just can’t right now. Liam has another appointment that afternoon, so I take him. He asks me to move back home.
“Lila, we have that huge house. You can finish school here.”
I don’t give him an answer. After his appointment, we stop by the cemetery to leave flowers for Addie. We also leave some on his parents’ graves. They are all buried in the same cemetery.
Liam gets back in the car. I sit in the driver's seat, talking to my best friend. What do I do, Addie? I need you now more than ever! As I wipe my tears, I look up to see that same star along with several huge yellow butterflies.
Addison loved yellow butterflies. That was our first tattoo. Oh my God, that’s Addie responding to me! She's here with me. I know exactly what to do.
“Thanks, Addie,” I whisper as I blow a kiss to my angel in heaven. I know she'll always be with me. God, how I miss her smile, her laugh, and her advice. I would give anything to go on another one of our shopping trips or get one of her big ol’ hugs again.
“Liam, I need to go back to school alone and finish this semester, and then I’ll move back.”
“Why alone? Don’t you want to be with me?”
“Of course I do! I just have some things to take care of.”
He never once asks if I have a bo
yfriend. Liam is going to stay in my parents’ guesthouse; that way Eric and I can keep an eye on him. Liam asks me to spend the night with him that night, so I do.
We lie in bed together, kissing and hugging. I want to make love to him so bad. I know I shouldn’t, but I need and want him more than ever.
“Are you ashamed of me?” Liam asks.
“Hell no! Why in the world would you think that?”
“Because I look like a damn cave man.” He hasn't had a haircut in a while and he needs a trim and a shave.
“I love everything about you, including your long-ass hair.”
He chuckles. “You better get used to it; you will be seeing it every day.”
“Oh no, we'll get it cut soon.”
I kiss him. As I make my way down his body, I can feel him getting more aroused.
“It's been a long time since we've done this,” Liam says.
“I know. Lie back and enjoy it, my love.”
I kiss his inner thigh and make my way up to his stomach.
“I want you now!” he shouts.
I climb on top of him and realize he isn’t wearing a condom. Oh fuck, why do I keep forgetting about those damn things? I’m on the pill and Evan and I have been using protection, so it should be okay.
Evan, I think just as I feel Liam come inside of me.
“Sorry, I couldn’t hold it. I’ll be ready for round two in a minute.” I laugh and kiss his chest.
I lie next to my sweet man. The second time we make love that night, Liam is in charge. He undresses me and teases the fuck out of me. He kisses my neck and makes his way all the way down my body. Then he rubs my clit. I can feel how aroused he is. I start stroking him.
“I can either come all over your hand or inside of you, baby.”
“I want you inside of me. Please, just enter me.”
He slides just the tip of his cock in me. God, I want it all.
“Liam, all of it please.” Just as I push my hips toward him, he pushes into me and I explode. That has to be the best orgasm ever. It was better than our very first time.
