by Delisa Lynn
I walk straight to my car. Slamming the door shut, I allow all my tears to roll down my face. He would’ve been so proud of me. Today was supposed to be a happy day. Instead, I’m sitting in my clunk of junk, crying.
***
My parents used to be amazing, but that all changed the day God decided he needed my older brother more than we did. Angelo was my hero, my best friend and idol. I look through the photos of him. That’s all I have left, other than the memories. I was only eight when he died, but I have eight years of wonderful memories.
I place the photo book under my pillow when I hear my mom coming toward my door. She must want something; she never talks to me otherwise. My great aunt was the one to look after me once Angelo’s death ruined my parents. She knocks on the door.
“Ansley, can I come in?” she whispers.
“Yeah, what’s up? Did you forget graduation was today?” I ask as I rise to my feet, hoping she’ll at least acknowledge I did something to be proud of. I can see she’s uneasy about whatever she is going to say.
“We were busy. Didn’t think you’d notice we weren’t there.”
“Yeah, I didn’t notice it, Mom,” I reply, sarcasm rolling off my tongue as I roll my eyes. “Is Dad okay? I saw he and Craig were arguing earlier.”
“That’s what I wanted to speak with you about. You see, we owe Craig a lot of money. He would only agree to consider the debt paid if your father allowed him to take your virginity. We’d promised you to Craig once you turn eighteen.” She places her hand over her mouth. I hear her hiccup a sob. “So, next week, you are to sleep with him.”
“You did what?” I yell in panic. “I can’t believe you guys are doing this. I can make my own decisions,” I say, running into the bathroom. I shut the door, sit on the side of the tub and let my tears fall. I had a feeling they’d mess my life up more than they already had.
“Just this once, then he’ll leave us alone. Please, do it for us. We’ve taken care of you all of your life. It’s one time. Then you’ll never have to see him again.”
I stand up and swing the door open. My blood shot eyes meet hers. Hers are cold and dark and have been the last ten years. I step closer to her. “So, just this once and then you’ll be free of your debt to Craig, your drug dealer?”
“Yes, that’s right. He said he will forget about everything we owe him. Ansley, we owe him a lot of money.”
“How much? You can have the money I saved. Aunt Lois, she left me money, Mama. You can have all of it. Please, I can’t do this,” I cry.
She grabs my shoulders and shakes me. “No, we owe too much. He wants you, baby. Only you’ll do. I offered myself to him. Daddy offered him the house and car. He wants your purity. He’s wanted it for years.”
“No, please. What did I ever do to make you all hate me so much? How can you sell me, your only daughter?” I ask as I back away from her grip. “I won’t do this. I can’t.”
Her small, cold hand makes contact with my face. “You’ll do it. We won’t discuss this again,” she says, stepping away from me and leaning against the wall.
“Please…” I whisper.
“You have to. It’s already arranged. Are you a virgin?” she asks, fidgeting with her hands.
Placing my hand on my hip, I say, “Yes, Mother, I am.” I wanted to say no, but deep down, I knew they would make me anyway. Craig Butler is a mean man. Once my brother died, my parents turned to him for everything. I always wondered why he gawked at me, why he was always around.
“Oh, thank God. You’ve saved us.” She steps closer and embraces me. I push her away and slam my door in her face. My parents used to be good people, but now…now they’re monsters. Who the hell sells their own daughter, the only child they have left? Now I’m dead too.
I crawl into my bed and grab my picture of Angelo. I hold him close to me and pray he is watching over me, that he’ll protect me. “Bubby, wherever you are, please keep me safe,” I say.
I close my eyes and remember the last time I saw him. His dark hair and brown eyes had all the girls swooning over him. He was smart, funny and could charm anyone. He was also the star quarterback of Poland High. He wasn’t only my brother; he was my best friend. I was young when he died, but I can still remember everything about him.
***
A week has passed since my mom told me I would have to sell my virginity to Craig. I begged my parents to take the money I saved. They refused. Craig only wants me. Of course he would. He’s gross. He’s old, fat and bald. His teeth are green—not yellow, but bright fungus green.
I can feel the bile creeping into my throat as I pull into the parking lot. I could just leave. They’d never know where to find me. I considered running away for a week, but here I am. I climb out of my old clunker, the car my aunt left me, and look up at the rusty, old rundown motel. The white siding is now brown. Most of the windows are boarded up.
Observing my surroundings, I clutch my bag in my arms. I sweep a strand of hair behind my ear and blow out a breath.
“They’re lucky I want to keep them alive,” I say to myself as I walk toward the door. I can smell cheap cologne and cigarettes, just what I’m looking forward to. Just as I raise my hand to knock on the door, it swings open.
The look on his face makes me want to stab his eyeballs out with my fingernail file. I brush past him. I open my bag and pull out all that I have. “Here, can you take this and I’ll pay you whatever else they owe? I have college money they know nothing about. This should cover at least half of what they owe.”
“Sweet Ansley, no hello for me?” I see the evil in his eyes and hear it in his laugh. “Although it’s a wonderful gesture, I don’t want the money. I want you.” He grins as he unbuttons his sweat-stained shirt.
“Craig, please,” I plead. “I promise I’ll pay you back all they owe you. You don’t want me. I’m inexperienced, but I’m no virgin.” I cross my arms over my chest, hoping he’ll change his mind.
He walks toward me, pulling his belt from his pants. He’s now barefoot, wearing only a pair of black pants and a wife beater. I step back, my arms still crossed in front of me. He’s so close I can see the veins in his neck throb.
“Tell me you’re pure,” he orders, whipping the belt toward my thighs.
I jump back, startled, and hit the wall with my back. I swallow the lump in my throat. “I’m not, Craig. I had sex last month with a boy at school.”
Anger pours from him. He lashes my thighs with the cold leather. “Tell me you’re a virgin, princess,” he orders again as he swats me with the belt a second time.
“No, I’m not,” I say. The sting of the belt brings tears to my eyes, but I refuse to let him see me cry. If I have to have sex with this monster, no way he will see me break.
“This is going to cut into what they owe me,” he says, throwing the belt to the floor. “You ready, princess?” He grabs me and tosses me to the bed.
“You still want me? I’m not pure,” I cry as I push up off the bed and onto my heels.
“Don’t care. Quit fucking around. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. It’s up to you.”
“Don’t touch me,” I say. His clammy hand slaps me across my face. My teeth chatter and I taste the blood in my mouth.
“Like I said, do this my way or you’re going to regret it.” He pushes me back on the bed. He grabs for my shoes. I hurry and kick them off, one hitting him in the face. “You little bitch,” he screams.
“Take all of my money. Please, just let me go. I’m no woman. I can’t give you want a woman can,” I plead.
“You’re as much of a woman as your mother is. I love fucking her, feeling her pussy clamp my dick as she screams my name.” He licks his lips. “Fucking you is going to be just as good.”
“You’re sick. My mom would never have sex with you.”
“Sweet Ansley, that’s where you’re wrong. You see, when you have an addiction, you’ll do anything to get what you want. Of course, she wasn’t happy about it at
first, but then, after a few times, she loved riding my cock while your pussy of a daddy watched.”
Holy hell, these people are fucking sick.
“I have to go. I don’t believe anything you’re saying. They were good people,” I cry, clinging my arms to me.
He laughs. “Well, princess, they got in too deep. They took fix after fix from me. They knew they couldn’t afford it. Your father’s business went to my wallet as soon as he got one sniff of what I was offering. Enough talking. I’m going to take what’s owed to me.”
He grabs my shorts and rips them off. I close my eyes and pray that he changes his mind before he does anything else. A tear slips down my face. I feel his cold, calloused hands on my thighs. His slimy tongue runs across my panties. He rips them off and buries his face between my legs. I feel him kiss places no one’s touched before. He’s going to realize I was lying and that I’m still a virgin.
Listening to him moan and grunt with every flick of his tongue, I think of a happy place. A beach, with bright blue water and lots of drinks. I’m snapped back to reality when I feel him slide up my body.
“Please, stop Craig,” I say, grabbing his hand. He places kisses along my neck, making my stomach turn. I have to hold my breath.
He looks at me like he’s won the lottery. He’d always been creepy. When my mom said that he would only accept my virginity, it just proved my point that he is a fucking pervert. He can’t say it’s all about money. If it was, he wouldn’t have wanted this instead.
He grabs a condom from the bedside table and rips it open with his teeth, smiling the entire time. Placing his hand on my hips, he brings me closer. He forcefully enters me.
“Just hold still until you get used to me.” He breathes in my neck. “You lied to me. You’ll pay for that.”
He slams into me so hard, I swear I feel his pelvis inside of me. My body jolts. I feel like he’s ripping through my body. I try to hold back my pain, but the way he’s moving is making me more uncomfortable.
“Please, that hurts. Please don’t do it so hard,” I beg. It only makes him go faster. “Just hurry, so I can go.” The sweat from his forehead hits my nose. I hate him and I hate my parents for making me do this.
“Come on, princess. I’ve been waiting for this moment since your boobs developed. Your daddy promised me it would be worth the wait. I paid a lot of money to be with you today. I suggest you make some kind of fucking noise. Put your fucking arms around my neck and kiss me,” he orders.
I shake my head. “Just do what you need to do and finish.” Tears roll down my cheeks. Happy fucking birthday to me. Just what all eighteen-year-old virgins want, right?
“Kiss me now,” he says, placing his mouth on mine. I turn my head, but he grabs it and shoves his tongue in my mouth, trying to find mine. He laughs in my mouth as his rhythm picks up.
I open my legs, hoping it won’t hurt as bad. He starts grunting louder. “That’s it, princess, spread those legs further. I’m almost there. Gonna come soon, princess.”
He pushes himself further into me, making my body cringe. Warm liquid runs down my legs. He collapses on top of me. I swear I can feel his pulse beating out of his chest. Fumbling before rolling to his side, he smiles at me. He stands up and I see blood on his limp dick.
“Don’t be like that. You agreed to this too. You could’ve enjoyed it more,” he says, pulling his pants on. “It could’ve been a lot worse.”
“I thought you used a condom?” I question as I look down and see a very unused one lying there.
“For what? You’re clean, I’m clean and no way was I fucking that sweetness with a rubber between us.”
“I hope, by some miracle, I have an STD and just gave it to you. I hope you die and go to hell.” I want to roll over and die. I just laid there while this sick bastard fucked me. He took what was supposed to be my future husband’s.
“You know what I am capable of, don’t you, princess?” he yells as his palm connects with my face. “Don’t ever talk to me like that again.”
Holding my cheek, I whisper, “Just let me go. You got what you wanted. May I leave?” I slide my shoes on.
“Yes. One last kiss before you go. Tell your father I’ll have the rest of his money by sundown.”
“I’m not kissing you. Fuck you.”
He grabs me and crashes his dry lips to mine. I feel the bile in my mouth. I pull away. He reaches for his lighter.
“Did you say the rest?” It took a minute for what he said to register.
He smirks as he lights a cigarette. “Yes, princess, he’s getting a little extra, since you were a virgin. I’ve watched you the last ten years, waiting for this day.”
Clutching my bag in my hand, I look at him, trying to take in what he just said. “You’re giving them actual cash?”
“Of course. That tight, little pussy of yours was well worth it.” I shake my head and walk toward the door. “Oh, and Ansley.” He smiles as he crosses his legs.
“Yeah,” I whisper.
“Happy birthday, princess.” He laughs as he takes a drag of his cigarette.
Something in me snaps. I charge toward him like a bull that’s just been let loose. “Fuck you! I fucking hate you. You’re nothing but a pig, a goddamn pig.”
I hit him in the chest with my fist. He grabs my hands and pushes me backwards. I fall into the table, hitting my head. I steady myself and stand back up.
Pointing his finger in my face, he orders, “Go, before I hurt you. I can make you disappear and your parents could care less.”
I pick my purse back up and mumble, “Fuck you.” Then I slam the door and run to my car, making sure no one is following me since we’re at one of the slummiest hotels in Pittsburgh. I start my car and hit the steering wheel a few times. My screams fill the small car. I can’t believe dad planned this with Craig years ago. Bastards…
I drive away from the motel, thinking about my plans to leave here and never return.
Tears streaming down my face, I pull over at a gas station. Thank God the gas station has an outside bathroom. The way I look, I can’t go inside. I lock the door behind me and pull as many paper towels from the dispenser as I can. I turn the water on and strip my clothes off. I pump soap onto the paper towels and rub them under the running water.
While washing my body with the cheap hand soap, I see dried blood and semen on my legs. My stomach turns and I start dry heaving. Kneeling in front of the dirty toilet, I throw up everything inside of me. His words keep replaying in my head. “The rest of the money.” They knew he was giving them more. I steady myself with the sink as I rise to my feet. I finish cleaning myself and head back to my car.
***
I park in front of the house I once loved. My once beautiful mother walks out, her hair long and oily, her body frail. I stop right in front of her and smack her across her face. She flinches and places her hand on her cheek.
“I did exactly what you wanted me to do. I’m leaving. I hope you’re happy with the choices you’ve made for me.” I step back, away from her. “Let Daddy know that Craig will be bringing the rest of his money. You know, the money you never told me about.”
“Wait, your daddy and I love you. We needed the extra money. Times are hard.” She twists her hands in front of her worn out blouse. “It wasn’t that bad, was it?”
“You needed the money, but you’ve promised my purity to Craig for how many fucking years now? How about you both get real jobs. Oh, wait, you’d have to take a drug test. Don’t worry about me. You’ll never see me again. I won’t breathe a word of this to the police, just promise to never look for me.” I get back in my car, slamming the door to my clunker. “Oh, and you want to know how bad it was, Mother? I laid there while that man pounded his cock in and out of me as I asked him to please stop. His sweat hit my face and his grunts made the bile in my stomach surface. Now, you tell me how wonderful that was.” I tilt my head to the side. “Then again, you know what it’s like. He’s been fucking you for years
.”
She falls to her knees. Sobs escape her. “Ansley, we love you. It’s just that your brother’s death hurt us. He was going to be someone. He was our world.”
“Am I not someone? You think his death didn’t hurt me? He was my best friend, my only friend. Losing him crushed me too. I needed you and dad when Angelo died. The two of you died that day too. Now, your only daughter has also died.”
I speed off, not looking back. I know she is still on the ground. My great aunt, Lois, passed away and left me this car. She also left me some money. I got accepted at a college in Arkansas and that’s where I’ll start my new life.
***
Thornie, my uncle, knows I’m leaving. I had all my mail sent to his house weeks ago. When I pull into his driveway, I see him standing on the porch. I smile. He is an older, gray-haired, heavyset man. His smile is contagious. He and my aunt raised my mom, and my aunt was so disgusted about the way my mom started acting after my brother’s death. My aunt hadn’t spoken to my parents for years before she passed.
“Hey, Uncle.” I hug him.
“Goldilocks, you finally heading out?” he asks as he embraces me.
“Yes, sir. Mom isn’t happy, but I am eighteen now.” I look away and then back to him. “Will you be okay?” I ask. Since my aunt passed, he’s gone downhill. His health isn’t as good as it was a few years ago. He and my aunt never had any children and I’m his only relative, other than my mom.
“Baby girl, I’ll be fine. Here, take this,” he says, sliding an envelope in my hands. “Start a new life. Don’t you look back. Forget all the ugly they have done. Go live, be happy. This will cover a few years. Get your teaching degree. Call me when you can.”
“Thank you. I’ll miss you.” I hug him. “I’ll never forget you.”
“I’ll miss you too, Goldilocks.” I smile. He’s been calling me that since I was a kid. When I was younger, my hair always laid in huge curls.
He waves as I back out of the driveway. I smile. I’m finally free. I’ve lived in hell for the last ten years. By this time tomorrow, I’ll have a new life.
