As she continued to look at his site, she analyzed his love of the band Vulgar Rock, and thought about how he accepted all vulgarity, and had therefore, potentially hurt her because he loved pain. The band represented itself through a drawing of a topless woman with an elongated penis between her breasts. Natasha wondered how he could tolerate such a picture on his site, considering how he had claimed to be gay. When she clicked on vulgar rock, she found a lot of blatant sexual images. In one of the pictures, a topless woman watched a nude woman kiss a topless man. In another, she watched two topless woman kiss. In another, she watched a ken doll whip a nude Barbie tied to a wooden x. In another, she watched a woman kissing the feet of another woman wearing a rubber suit. In another, she watched a woman riding another woman, while the woman being ridden was wearing special equipment for horses. In another picture, she watched a woman in a black rubber suit hold a big whip. In another image, she watched ken eat out a nude Barbie. In another depiction, she watched a woman perform a vaginal exam on another woman. Although the site contained a lot of shocking pictures that did not revolve around sex, Natasha mainly noticed the sexual ones, and began to doubt Gabriel’s homosexuality. She began to imagine him as bisexual, and hoped that he loved her. She also relished the idea that he might enjoy the thought of her pain, and that as a result she was in fact pleasing him somehow. A thought that brought her great joy.
In addition to the pictures of sadism and sex, Natasha felt that the conversation she had with Gabriel had insinuated that he loved women sexually beyond just men. She remembered his obsession with her vagina, and started feeling a wetness between her legs. She wondered why he would have such an obsession if he was truly only homosexual. So her hopes began to rise as she imagined him, as instead, bisexual and sadistic. Although she felt some fear of being a victim by a sadist, she relished the idea, and imagined the possibility of trying to date him. She imagined him looking at her vagina, smelling it, and licking it. She masturbated as she felt him between her legs. She smelled her hand and decided she wanted to tell him that she did not smell like tuna fish, but rather like dying roses. So she composed him a letter that read as follows:
Dear Gabriel,
I am sorry to bother you again, but I would just like to say that I am sorry for whatever I did to disturb you. I greatly treasured your friendship. I also think you should know that men have repeatedly licked my vagina for almost an hour. They were not saintly men, but rather atheistic, and hedonistic men. In Italy I had a boyfriend who licked my vagina every day for two weeks. I take too long to orgasm, so they usually lick for a while. I sometimes smell my own vagina by sticking my finger there or smelling my underwear, and most of the time the smell is very pleasant. It never smelled like fish, but rather like the woodsy smell of a marijuana joint, flower petals, or the salt of the sea. I should not have to explain all this to you. If I do not bath, obviously it becomes not as pleasant, but even then I like it. It never smells fishy. If you don’t believe me, you can smell it.
Anyway, I really like you a lot, and I am sorry that you have a need to abuse me by becoming my friend and then rejecting me.
Don’t worry, I won’t bother you anymore.
I miss you.
Lots of love, Natasha Hedge (my real name)
P.S. If you ever change your mind about me, please let me know.
Natasha then tried to send him the letter but then failed. Then she sent it to his Bebo account.
As she thought about Gabriel Hatfield, while lying in bed at night, she often imagined him spanking her the way that Scott and him had described. She desperately wished that his hands would grope her rear. She imagined sucking his dick the way he had described, and sometimes became so aroused that she masturbated in bed for half an hour about it. She sometimes imagined being surrounded by both Gabriels; their superior beauty embracing her. When she showered, she imagined them both showering with her. She loved both and desperately enjoyed knowing both. She felt that they were both sadistic in a way. Gabriel from two doors down had been sadistic in his ability to tease without satisfying, while Gabriel Hatfield had been sadistic in his words and rejection. She felt embraced by sadism, and desperately wished that one of them would become hers. She sometimes lay in bed imagining fornication to Gabriel Strife and then imagining being spanked by Gabriel Hatfield. She loved them and loved life with them in it. Every horrible moment in the Twin Towers seemed to make sense because of them, and she finally felt pleased with whatever God watched over her.
As Natasha contemplated the two Gabriels, she wondered whether they were two separate people, or two people inside one man. She decided to look at the photo of Gabriel’s car on Facebook and then look at the interior of the car in the garage, and she found that the seats were different. She then compared the dates of the photographs on Gabriel Hatfield’s timeline, with the reality of her neighbor’s appearance. Gabriel from two doors down, had been blonde a year ago, while the timeline indicated that he had been a brunette. She tried creating a timeline with fake dates and realized that she could not. So she felt satisfied that they were two separate people and felt elated that Gabriel Hatfield had not been fornicating with a blonde woman two doors down. She remembered how Sarah had humiliated her, and then she remembered Gabriel Hatfield’s hatred for women and became filled with happiness. She relished the way he seemed to hate women. As she contemplated his hatred, she remembered how she had hated her stepmother, and how that hatred had defined her for a while. As she remembered the power of hate and abuse, she began to pity Gabriel, for she imagined him as an abuse victim. She wished she could of saved him, and because she had been abused, forgave him and therefore wanted to give herself to him despite the evil of his sadism which seemed to stem from hate.
Despite Gabriel Hatfield’s rejection, Natasha, watched photos of Gabriel Hatfield with lipstick on, and imagined and desperately yearned for his kisses all over her body. She imagined his beautiful lips leaving their mark on her breasts, her belly and on her mouth. She imagined his love through his lipstick and enjoyed every moment of it. She loved the way he celebrated his masculine beauty by pretending to be a woman. He never wore a wig, but she remembered seeing a man who dressed like a woman at the shoe store she had gone to once, and loving it. She remembered the fish net stockings on his gracefully curved legs, and the make-up that he had worn. Although society often despised men like that, she loved men like that. She loved the way their bodies seemed to sing a ballad of beauty and grace instead of the regular ordinariness of not caring. She loved the way that they had gone through the effort of making their masculinity beautiful and more pleasing to the senses, the way women so often strove to with their femininity. She loved the way they cared, and therefore felt closer to them in mind and spirit. She simply loved them. Her whole body seemed to buzz with excitement as she thought of beautiful transvestites.
Even though she loved Gabriel Hatfield, Natasha tried to forget him and not love him as much, in order to protect herself from further hurt. As she tried, she remembered him with make-up on and then remembered what her mother would call men like him. She would always call them fairy boys, or silk boys, for her mother had come from Hungarian parents and in Hungarian, homosexuals were often referred to in such a manner. So even though she tried to stop loving him, she would remember him as her fairy boy, and finally understood the Hungarian sayings because they were the only words that could truly capture the beauty of Gabriel Hatfield. He had been in a way a fairy boy; in the sense that he embodied the beauty and magic of fairies. For he had put a spell on her with his sexuality which he celebrated and made as beautiful as the sparkle of fairy wings. She thought about the term silk boy and imagined him wearing stockings and as she did her heart beat faster, for through his love of his own body, he had celebrated himself, and made himself as beautiful as the childhood fairies that Natasha had often dreamed about, and the gentle, silk of stockings. Natasha considered fairies beautiful because they could dance on air while others could not, a
nd because they had wings that sparkled like morning dew. So she felt proud to love a homosexual and desperately wished that he was bisexual the way his behavior and conversations often hinted.
Fredrick Hedge, had lost Juliet. She walked out after she had an argument with Natasha over the phone. Natasha had lost it and called her an ugly cow, for all the times she had been abused by her evil step mother. Natasha had always tried to be nice but not being invited to her father’s home, made her angry. When her father would refrain from inviting her for Christmas dinner or for Thanksgiving lunch, Natasha felt overwhelmed with woe, and loneliness. Woe, that she blamed on her step mother, Juliet. She blamed her father’s coldness on Juliet’s hatred too. She felt that after years of talking bad about her to her father, Juliet had slowly changed Fredrick to become more like her. So when her father did not invite her, Natasha did not just resent her father; she resented Juliet more than ever.
Before getting insulted by Natasha, Juliet had wanted to leave Fredrick for a while. She wanted to leave out of a desire for vengeance for the divorce that had humiliated her. Although she wanted to leave, she refrained because of her son and all the pleasant memories that Fredrick and her had shared throughout their lives. They had gone on various holidays together, and had lunch in their big house every weekend. They often ate fish and salad that she had made. She enjoyed the memories they had created and wanted to create more, but the thought that he had divorced her for a small mistake; for losing her temper and slapping his daughter, hurt. It hurt that he valued her so low; that he risked losing her, because of a small temper tantrum. She could not believe that the man who had always made her feel superior, had made her feel so worthless. She could not believe that the one man who had given her life, worth, had taken it all away. As a result of all the years of love and dignity he had given her, it had been difficult for Juliet to walk away over an injured pride, even though it was as big, as a divorce and abandonment. So she stayed, knowing that if anything went wrong again she would leave and never talk to Fredrick anymore. She knew that if Fredrick did not kiss her when she expected, she would take vengeance for the abuse that he had distilled upon her. If Fredrick did not go to bed with her at the same time, she imagined she would leave him and make him feel the pain she had felt. If Fredrick did not spend almost every dinner with her, she imagined she would scream get out, I want a divorce. So as a result, Fredrick walked on thinner ice than he imagined, and so when Natasha humiliated Juliet the already very thin ice cracked, and Juliet decided she could not forgive Fredrick for having created her enemy.
So that day, she told him “It is over, hubby. The way I have been humiliated by this family is unforgivable. I would rather die than be with you. You may have given me a son, but that is all you will continue to give me. You abandoned me, when I thought you were the one person who loved me most. Your love made you precious to me, more precious than gold, without it I wasted my time, and I will forever hate you for having wasted it so. Despite my hate for you, I will always be grateful for Luis. So I, this time, ask for a divorce.”
Fredrick felt terrible. He had always loved Juliet. Although he had divorced her, he had partially divorced her to prove that he was a better man than the average, and therefore, one could say he divorced her out of love. So although he seemed to hate her, he had never really stopped loving her, and therefore fell apart when she announced her hate. He had felt humiliated by his divorce and had made every effort to make it up to her. He had been there for almost every dinner, he had gone to bed the same time as her, had kissed her every chance he had, and therefore felt an irrepressible anger at Natasha for having shattered the ice he worked so hard to maintain. As he watched Juliet leave, Fredrick knew he would never forgive Natasha. He decided not to tell her, and then continued to act like there was nothing wrong, because he felt ashamed to have lost his wife.
Chapter 39
Gabriel Hatfield, felt relieved to feel safe, and secure from his feelings of love towards women. He had felt so persecuted as a homosexual that he had grown to hate heterosexuals a little bit. He had also been abused by his mother, sister, and Gloria, and therefore felt a need to hurt women and not submit to pleasing them. So although he loved Natasha in a way, he also hated her, and hated how she seemed to have the power to make him become normal. The word normal to him represented everything he hated, because it represented evil in a way; evil because an evil world loved the word normal so much that they killed everything else. Therefore, he desperately wanted to stay abnormal, because then, he was never really part of the evil whole, which he detested.
So although he desired to look at Natasha’s pretty face, he threw away her photograph, and tried to forget her. He felt devastated by his loss of Carl. Carl had been his whole life, but how could he respect himself if he allowed himself to be with a man who had betrayed him. As a result he felt sad often, and often felt like calling Carl. As he contemplated Carl’s evil nature, he wondered if he had been right to feel superior through his choice of being gay, and therefore thought about becoming straight with Natasha. He thought about Natasha and thought about how she had loved him for being someone else and felt angry at her for loving someone else. He thought that she had lied, and therefore felt irritated by her deceit. He could not believe that there could be another man who looked just like him, so close and with the same first name. He thought that Natasha had been playing a cruel joke on him. Then, as he imagined the possibility that she had not, he hated life for knowing that there might be someone as magnificent as him, who might hate him. He imagined the other Gabriel, and thought about how stupid he had been to believe Natasha, or even to befriend her. He again began to wish he could slap her. Then he remembered how he had told her so, and how his friend Scott, had told her that he wanted to slap her buttocks. Then Gabriel imagined having an orgy with her, and Scott. He imagined her sucking his penis, as Scott entered in to her anus. As Gabriel imagined her humiliation, and her being used so completely, he became aroused, and then decided to masturbate about her. Before lying down on his bed, he put a condom on his penis, and then lay down and rubbed it to orgasm. He came to orgasm in to the condom, but in his mind he had come in to her mouth. He desperately craved her humiliation and wished he could see her crude shape bent over to please him. He imagined her beautifully curved mouth full of semen, and then he imagined Scott spanking her. He even imagined slapping her in the face for not doing the blow job correctly.
After Gabriel Hatfield came to orgasm, he felt guilty for his thoughts, and for the things he had said to Natasha. He imagined comforting her, and holding her after he had hurt her. He wondered why he had an urge to hurt women and thought if must be because he is gay, and hates their shape. Then he remembered all the times that women had moved him, and all the times he had felt like asking one out. As he remembered, he felt overwhelmed with fear because of all the bad memories he possessed. He constantly remembered the amount of times his sister and her friend Gloria had abused him. He remembered how they had made fun of him and how their mother had punished him. The memory of all the humiliation he had suffered made him feel inadequate and incapable of loving women without seeing them humiliated first. He remembered when he had visited gay pornography sites for men, he saw a section for women and he had enjoyed that section too. He secretly loved the way their curves jutted out, and embraced the way their shape seemed to make them more at the disposal of men. He enjoyed their nude bodies and sometimes imagined licking women between their legs. He remembered one girl, called Josie, at a summer camp he had gone to. She had liked him, and no one knew he had chosen to be gay, so she had told him how she felt. The night before the camp was over they gave each other oral sex, and then she never spoke to him again because she did not like the taste of his semen. The feeling of being rejected for his semen hurt him too much, and therefore he relished the thought of being gay more because then he felt he was rejecting Josie and other women like her through his choice to be gay. His gayness, therefore, made him feel
more superior, and satisfied with his life. It had given him comfort, and therefore he resented how Natasha made him feel something straight. He wished he could scream at her “I hate you,” so that he could feel safe again. Through his hatred for women he had always felt safe, and so he felt satisfied that he had humiliated her. He could still see her through his other account, and sometimes looked at her secretly knowing that she suffered from the loss of him. He noticed she had become much more extraverted since he rejected her. He assumed she had become extraverted because of her yearning to reach out to him. He noticed that she put up pictures of men, and believed she did it to tease and satisfy him from afar. Her apparent self-less love moved him. He felt very special for being loved despite the humiliation he had caused her. He looked at the photos she had put up of men and read her comments about them. One of them was of a muscular brunette man with a towel around his waist. Below the picture Natasha had written “The truth of life, the beauty of life, life.” Then he looked at the next picture she had posted of the same movie star kissing a parrot, wearing only a pair of blue jeans. Under it Natasha had written “beautiful picture, from an artistic perspective. Inspires me. His wife is one lucky woman.” Then Gabriel clicked on the next picture, which consisted of a blonde man wearing only pale blue jeans rolled down exposing half his buttocks. Under it Natasha had commented “naughty, cute.” Then he clicked the next picture, which consisted of a blonde man’s face with big green eyes, a pixie nose, and a flawless complexion. Under it Natasha had written “With those eyes, he does not have to kiss parrots, to be just as beautiful.” Gabriel loved watching the men that Natasha had posted and imagined her shame in her desire to please him, and enjoyed that too. Then he clicked on other things she had written. She had written “by letting hate in, one does the most damage to themselves. By always striving to be understanding, one finds peace.” Then he read “The greatest gift in life is forgiveness. Forgiveness of others and yourself. Only when one forgives can one truly love.” Then he read “Although some things should be forgiven, some things should never be forgotten, because then they will just happen again. Slap me once, shame on you. Slap me twice, shame on me.” Then he read “love is food for the soul.” As he contemplated the things she had written, he became happy to know that they seemed to be about him. He felt her love, even though he had humiliated her, and felt happy to know that she loved him from afar, the way he kind of loved her. He felt happy to know that she honored him with her suffering. As he contemplated her pain he felt more secure around women because she had decided not to hurt him the way other women would have, and despite his rushing sense of inadequacy, a small part of him loved her more and therefore desperately wanted her.
Gabriel Page 21
