Natasha meanwhile, felt happy to have the compassion of Gabriel Hatfield, but at the same time desired closure with the beauty two doors down, who, besides having been a cause of love, had been her lucky omen in the sense that he had led her to Gabriel Hatfield. She remembered him running around the Twin Towers chubby and felt profoundly moved by his weight gain, which she felt had been for her. Every time she saw brown hair, she remembered him and felt love crawl over her and embrace her like an anaconda, suffocating all free choice out of her. As she contemplated how much she loved him, she felt jealousy pound her down, and desperately wished he only belonged to her. She realized she loved him enough to share him, and then clung to him in her mind, but lacked the courage to confront him, especially when considering Sarah’s abuse. She then imagined having sex with him, and realized that she would hate to look like a sexual failure because of her swollen leg. So she decided to wait, instead of approach him.
Fredrick, Natasha’s father, instead of trying extra hard to be nice, like Gabriel Hatfield had, tried to humiliate her through her gunshot wound by saying “what did you say to Miguel, Natasha. I am sure you drove him to it. People don’t just get shot. You are the reason he is a criminal, I am sure of it.”
Natasha felt degraded and so she said nothing, not understanding why her father had reacted that way. Not knowing that Juliet had left Fredrick right after she had told Juliet off. As she looked in to her father’s eyes at times, she saw an expression of irrepressible pain, and eventually realized that Juliet had left him. She looked up their addresses on the white pages, and found out that they lived separately. She wondered why her father had not told her about the split, and realized that he secretly hated her, because love had been that sacred to him, even if it had been the love of a monster. As she thought about love, she realized the greatest love she had ever known had been the love of her dog, and felt happy to have a dog so sweet.
Then as Natasha, thought about Gabriel Hatfield, she felt compelled to ask him to buy her groceries with money she would provide, and then to come over for dinner. So full of trepidation she called him and asked him, when he could come.
He then responded “Friday night is good. What do you want to eat?”
Then Natasha responded “I would love to eat spaghetti, with tomato sauce,”
Then Gabriel responded “sure thing honey, I will be there at 8pm.” Then he asked “how is your leg doing? Can you walk?”
Then she responded “Yes, with crutches. Thanks for asking. I look forward to seeing you.” Then they both said goodnight to each other and got off the phone.
Gabriel felt overwhelmed with guilt over how he had treated her and desperately wished he could change himself, but then his animal instinct of self-defense took over and made him feel a cold hatred of his submission to her. So he decided he might cancel. Thursday he did, and Natasha felt heartbroken.
Meanwhile, Natasha and her father did not get a long, and in her state of frustration over how he had treated her over the last several years, she felt a desire to hurt him by relishing the idea that Juliet had left. So through Facebook, Natasha insulted Juliet again by saying “I am sorry you dated my father. I hope you never date him again. You are so pathetic that men divorce you.” Then Natasha told her father what she had said, and then her father decided to abuse her through the Baker Act: an act which allows people to abuse each other, by incarcerating them in to a mental hospital for an indefinite period of time. According to the act, only a psychiatrist can release the patient, after a judge has ordered an involuntary examination without a trial, and without a crime. So, a few days after she insulted Juliet, Natasha had just gotten out of the shower and then heard a loud knocking at her door. She then answered it by opening it up without releasing the small chain. When she did, she saw cops and they told her that they were there to take her to a mental facility. She then, opened the chain, and realized she should go in peace, because she could not fight two big muscular men, even though she felt like running. She then got in to the police car and then on the way, asked them, how legitimate it would be for a psychiatrist who gets paid more for keeping her at the hospital, to decide when to release her. One of the cops then responded “I am sure more than one psychiatrist will analyze you.”
After about twenty minutes of driving, the cops took her to the hospital, and she walked in to a mental ward. The nurse asked her a bunch of questions, such as how she felt, and what her thoughts were. Natasha felt very confused, and then asked, the nurse what her father had said. The nurse, responded “your father has claimed that you wanted to kill yourself and hurt his wife.” Natasha then said, “How is it fair that he has so much power?” Then the nurse responded “he does not. In Florida innocent people can be held in custody for 72 hours, so for the sake of mental health, we are keeping you here for 72 hours.” Then Natasha walked away to one of the beds they had given her against the wall. All the beds were aligned against the wall; eighteen beds in total, six against each wall. The heads of the beds were touching the walls, of the giant room. Four nurses were always present, at the big desk in the left corner by the entrance. Constantly watching the patients, they would encourage the patients to watch television, and commented on the patients regularly. Breakfast, lunch and dinner were served at the appropriate hours, and then medications were served twice a day. Natasha was fed anti-anxiety medication, to calm her down, and therefore she felt drowsy and lay in bed a lot. She enjoyed her food and really lived to get fed only, during the duration of her stay. The psychiatrist, an obese man in his late thirties, came by every morning and asked her how she felt. He did not talk with her for very long, and would snub her whenever she attempted. After a week he released her because the nurses had said she looked calm. Before the end of the week arrived, Natasha, asked her psychiatrist, if she could petition for a trial. The psychiatrist then replied “you only get out when I say. You may as well agree with me about everything. If we go to trial, the judge will believe me because I am the doctor.” Natasha feeling frightened and humbled, realized she had in a sense become a slave and prisoner of a man she did not know. So when a week had passed, he released her and she thanked God for her good fortune.
After getting released, Natasha felt frightened of her father, and apologized to him. When she arrived at her home, she realized her dog, Goldie had been removed, and so she called her father to find out what had happened.
He responded “I have given Goldie away. I gave him to a vet, who found him a home.”
Then Natasha heartbroken, and panicky responded “which vet?”
Then her father responded “some vet. I will never tell you which. I don’t want a dog in that apartment.”
Then Natasha responded “I would have moved. Please tell me which vet so that I can get him back.”
Then her father responded “I am not telling you, and I never will, so you may as well stop asking.”
Then Natasha hung up, and searched animal shelters for her lost pet, and did not find him. She remembered how she had once heard of a dog called Hatchiko, who loved his owner so much that he never went home with another owner, and forever searched for his lost owner, in a small town in Japan. She had watched the movie Hatchi, a remake of the story of Hatchiko. So as she longed for her dog, she knew that her dog secretly longed for her too. She began to cry and felt her father’s happiness for having taken vengeance on her. So she wished to take vengeance on her father, and continued to search for her dog but did not find him. For a while, things constantly reminded her of her dog. Every time she ate, she remembered him begging. If she saw a small creature, she remembered her dog’s pure personality and his endless love, and would begin to cry.
Natasha told Gabriel Strife in the elevator about having been Baker Acted, and about losing her dog. As a result he felt sad for her, and then desperately wished he could possess her.
As Natasha, thought about Gabriel Strife, and thought about how much he liked her, she often felt tempted to offer herself to him, and
become his lover despite the fact that he had been taken. She would often imagine him with Sarah, and become jealous, desperately desiring for him to be single. Every day she fought the urge to throw herself at his feet and his mercy. He had won, but she wondered how she would lose, for she knew she would always be a loser at the game they had been playing. She reasoned, she would lose if she chose to make love to him because he would always belong to the whole instead of just her, and she would lose if she chose not to, because she would always love him and never possess him. So she would at times grow enraged over his behavior.
Natasha had always been taught as a little girl to want an old fashioned man who would kneel at her feet; a man who was not afraid to directly approach her. So she desperately coveted the idea that Gabriel Strife approach her and bear the risk of shame, instead of pushing it on her. She felt humiliated as a woman for losing his ultimate testament of love, and courage, and therefore neglected telling him how she felt. She then thought about how Gabriel Strife lacked courage, and then came to the conclusion that he could not possibly really love her, because he already had a woman. Natasha also reasoned that if Gabriel really loved her, he would not be able to hurt her by making love to another woman.
Natasha desperately wanted to fight back against the emotions that seemed to overtake her like a rough ocean would a small boat, but felt that she could not. So then she searched for Gabriel Hatfield online and when she found him, told him about the dog. Gabriel then decided to comfort her, and forgive her for being a woman, because of the extreme pain that made him feel compassion instead of resentment. He asked her if he could come over, and then he hugged her. His love helped her overcome the pain that she suffered, because of him she felt more at peace with the world and safer from evil. When Gabriel came over, he noticed that her father had installed cameras hidden in smoke detectors. He noticed the glistening lens inside, and asked her, “why do you have lens in your smoke detectors?” Natasha responded, “I don’t, those are for the internet, my father installed them.” Then Gabriel said “No honey, those are smoke detectors and inside are lens that are watching you.” None had been installed in her bedroom, but she felt furious over the violation. She thought about her dad’s behavior, and wondered why he had changed so much and realized his anger over Juliet more profoundly than before. As a result, Natasha felt guilty, but realized that her dad, should change, because he had been embraced by evil because Juliet was so evil that people should have felt afraid of her, including her father; but instead he felt love. So she felt zero regret over her decision to hurt Juliet. After a while of watching television with Natasha, Gabriel went home.
As Gabriel Hatfield lay in bed, he wanted Natasha, and craved her but at the same time felt trepidation. He wondered why he felt more comfortable around her as an injured victim than as a strong woman, and concluded that in her injured state she felt dependent on him and therefore he loved her for that. Her vulnerability made her less likely to reject him, he reasoned, so he felt safer with her. He thought about having a relationship with her, and felt a potential he had not felt before. He thought about how abusive her father had become and he imagined her father hurting her more. As he imagined her father killing her, or butchering her, he decided to ask her to move in.
So that night, he said to Natasha over the phone “Natasha, I don’t think your father wants you in his life. It is only a matter of time that he will disown you or hurt you physically. Who knows what he really did to the dog. He could of butchered the thing or just dumped him somewhere. So you can move in with me if you want.”
Then Natasha responded “I would love to. You are the only thing keeping me going. When can I move in?”
Then Gabriel responded “Tomorrow you can move in.”
Then Natasha giggled with excitement as she said “goodnight.” She felt elated to have such a beautiful friend who cared about her. She thought about all the times that Gabriel Hatfield had hurt her, and wondered about why he seemed to possess a desperate need to hurt her, and considered the possibility of his sadistic needs. She remembered reading in a psychology book once that sadists had urges because they felt inadequate. So she came to the conclusion that she desperately wanted to make sure he never felt inadequate again, and so she decided to try to please him as much as she could.
Chapter 43
As Gabriel Strife noticed Natasha leave for several weeks, when she went to visit her mother, he started feeling very sad that she could depart without feeling jealous of his relationship with Sarah and without feeling anxiety, the way he would have, had he not been able to see her. So he concluded she did not love him and therefore lost all the weight that he had gained for her. He became beautiful, and thin. His lanky body chiseled and exposing his fine muscular structure, made him more attractive to Sarah and to Natasha when she returned. Although Natasha started falling in love with him, she felt a fear of being hurt by him. She imagined his Casanova nature, betraying her the way he had wanted to betray Sarah. So Natasha never fell in love with him the way he had wished. Instead, she fell in love with Gabriel Hatfield, who possessed a character more pure despite his rude language, because he had always been honest and failed to show an adulteress nature. His profession of being a nurse also made her love him more.
As Natasha wondered why she loved a man society had taught her to not love, she analyzed the feeling she got when thinking about Gabriel Hatfield. He gave her a feeling of security, because he embodied things that had always made her feel safe and special. His lipstick reminded her of the times she had painted her own lips and as a result felt more sure of her beauty. His sexuality and obsession with feeling close to women through make up made her feel close to him, and therefore she felt a warm sense of security around him. Despite his sadism, she felt a sense of security because he seemed to match her masochism, which made her feel like he belonged to her more. Gabriel Strife in comparison, often played soccer, betrayed women and led them on. The way he had played soccer reminded her of other men who had hurt her; such as her dad, and Massimiliano. Also Sarah’s behavior had attached a sense of abuse to him. Therefore she felt insecure around him and concluded that true love came from how secure one felt around the other. So she loved Gabriel Hatfield much more than Gabriel Strife.
Gabriel Strife thought about the lack of enthusiasm he noticed in Natasha. He had always been very popular with women. He just had to look at a woman for too long, and within the week the woman would be exposing more skin for him, walking by him more often, smiling, complimenting him, and sometimes openly offering herself sexually. So Gabriel felt offended that Natasha did not love him the way he loved her. Something had filled the void of longing inside her, and since Gabriel did not know that she had found photos of him embodied by another man, he began to feel inadequate despite his timeless, exquisite beauty and decided to try and stay more committed to Sarah. He felt guilty for having so betrayed the one woman who truly loved him, Sarah, and therefore, desperately wanted to compensate for his betrayal. His mind desperately wondered upon ways to do so, and settled upon proposing. Although he loved many women, he decided that the years had passed him fast, and therefore the stability of marriage would be the only way to beat the depression of oncoming age.
So when Natasha returned and showed no real love towards him, the way he had shown so many times towards her, he decided to go to Key Largo again with Sarah. Again they packed a week’s worth of clothes and shoes, and two bathing suits each. They drove listening to cd’s, for several hours, on the following Saturday, and then once they arrived, ate dinner at the hotel. The following day they spent the day swimming and going on a boat ride. He decided to rent a sail boat for just the two of them during the late afternoon. They packed a picnic for the boat ride. While they sat on the boat in the sunset admiring, the orange, and pink of the Florida sky line, they drank wine. After they ate dinner and when the sky was the fairest, Gabriel placed his arm around Sarah and asked “will you marry me?” He then took out a ring and showe
d it to her. Then Sarah responded “Yes. I will,” and then she kissed him on the lips. As they kissed, they felt each other’s tongues and felt the beauty of the sunset shine on them. In the salty sea air they then got undressed and had sex, on the bench of the boat. As Gabriel pushed his penis in to Sarah and she felt her slightly sandy rear push against the plastic seat, she felt more satisfied than before because she believed she truly owned Gabriel, a desire she had since she had first met him.
After they finished fornicating the sun had set, and in the dark night they heard the movement of the sea, and sea gulls. They saw lights in the distance and decided to spend the night on the boat, falling asleep under the stars and in each other’s arms.
The following morning they maneuvered the boat back to the beach, and gave it back to the owner. Then they went to a restaurant and had breakfast. They both ate fresh fruit and drank some coffee and milk. They spent the rest of the week swimming, dancing, tanning, reading, and fornicating.
As Gabriel drove, with Sarah back to Miami, and the apartment he called home, he imagined seeing Natasha and telling her that he had become engaged. As he contemplated her dismissal of him, he analyzed that she may have despised him for having behaved like Casanova instead of an honest Puritan like man. So he felt proud of his marriage, not only because of his commitment to Sarah but also because of how he now could brag about a more loyal and monogamous character instead of that of a betrayer. So in a sense his proposal had served Sarah and Natasha. He imagined telling Natasha, and finally conquering her heart through his virtue. He imagined her secretly doting over him and experiencing a more profound love than before. Believing that he had finally conquered Natasha made Gabriel smile. As he smiled he eagerly anticipated seeing her again. As he drove he watched the palm trees and eventually saw the flowers of Miami. He arrived at the loft style apartment with Sarah, and as he walked in to his home he wished he could walk by Natasha’s home and brag about his newly found virtue. So the following day, he collected his dog from the vet and feeling very confident and enthusiastic walked by Natasha’s door with the hope of seeing her. As he came back from walking his dog, he saw her, and she said “Bye, Gabriel. I am moving out, it was nice knowing you.” Then Gabriel responded “it was nice knowing you too.” Then Gabriel felt his heart sink and as he walked back to his home he could feel his eyes fill up with tears. He wished he could ask Natasha for her number but as he contemplated the possibility of her dismissal, he became too shy, and he contemplated that she most probably did not want him because of Sarah. Then he thought he should feel happy because he had just gotten engaged and that he never really got to know Natasha and therefore had no logic to his feelings. As he sat in a state of depression, he realized the irony of his marriage, and as a result realized that he did not really love Sarah. Even if Natasha did not love him, he thought, she proved that his devotion to virtue and guilt had in fact been the biggest lies he had ever told and realized that true virtue came from following one’s true heart.
Gabriel Page 24
