Weeping, sobbing as she headed toward home, Addie’s thoughts were a jumble. I am so worthless, such a sorry excuse for a human being. No wonder he can’t love me again. My parents couldn’t, so how can I expect him to?
She couldn’t form any sort of coherency in her thoughts except her self-hatred, her feelings of worthlessness, but soon found her tears drying on their own. Wiping her face on her sleeve, she drew in a deep breath – and found calm sinking into her soul.
By the time she arrived home, Addie had gotten herself under control. Knowing Callie’s sharp eyes would notice that she had been crying, she hoped her sister was absorbed in the television, and she could escape to her room. Even before she walked into the house, she heard Gus crying, and knew there’d be no quick escape for her.
Callie’s face was tight and strained as she carried Gus against her shoulder, rubbing and patting his back by turns. If she noticed Addie had been crying, she gave no sign. “Colic,” Callie said by way of explanation. “And I’m out of that gas medicine that usually helps. He’s been crying for hours.”
Needing the distraction, Addie set her purse and keys on the table. She held her arms out. “Give him to me.”
Her relief evident, Callie handed her screaming son to Addie. “Thanks, I’m about at my wit’s end.”
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here,” Addie told her, lightly bouncing Gus as she started to walk around as Callie had done.
“You have your own life, you know,” Callie replied. “You are not chained here at home.”
“I’ll watch him if you want to run to the store.”
“Thanks. Taking him to the market like this didn’t seem like a good idea.”
“It wasn’t. Take a break, and get his medicine. My turn.”
Callie picked up her purse, grabbed her keys, and all but fled the house. Glad to be thinking about something other than Travis and the disaster she had made out of her life, Addie walked and walked, repeating the same thing over and over in an attempt to soothe Gus.
“Hey, Gussy, Gussy,” she murmured, rubbing the baby’s small back. “Hey, Gussy.”
Gus screamed and hiccuped, cried and coughed, and nothing seemed to help. He refused his bottle, spat out his pacifier, and his small face grew swollen from his crying and screaming. Having his loud piercing voice in her ear almost seemed a relief, for it forced her to not ponder what she could never have in her life.
Callie returned about twenty minutes later, exasperated and annoyed. “I’m so sorry that took so long,” she said, unwrapping the plastic from the bottle of gas medicine for infants. “The clerk at the store couldn’t seem to get it together. Let’s see if this helps him.”
Addie lay Gus on his back in her arms as Callie used the eye dropper to deliver the stuff into Gus’s mouth. He swallowed and cried, his face frightening Addie. “Callie, why didn’t you call me?”
“I don’t want to interfere in your life,” she replied, capping the bottle. “If you and Travis are getting back together, then I don’t want to interrupt with my problems.”
“You don’t have to worry about that,” Addie said, her bitterness rising again, her feelings that she wasn’t worth loving. “It’s not going to happen. He’ll never trust me.”
“Then that’s certainly his loss,” Callie said, watching Gus carefully as his screams slowly died away. “You told him back then why you had to leave, he knows it now. If he can’t find it in his heart to let go of the past, and man up about it, then he doesn’t deserve you.”
Addie shook her head silently. She was quite sure that she was the one who didn’t deserve Travis.
Chapter 13
Colton stared at Travis with an iciness that surprised Travis in its intensity. “What did you say to her?”
Unable to look at his brother, feeling ashamed of himself, and dirty, as though he had done and said something truly despicable. He found it hard to answer. He turned away, and went back through the house to the deck, and stared up at the stars. His hands jammed into his pockets, he didn’t look around as Colton joined him.
“I merely spoke the truth,” he said, his voice quiet. “Addie asked if there might be a future for us, and I said I didn’t know. It was hard to trust again.”
“And that’s where you’re plum stupid,” Colton grated, his tone hard. “If there’s one person in this world you can trust absolutely, it’s Addie Baker. There ain’t anyone that has her kind of integrity.”
“Really?” Travis eyed him sidelong, Colton’s face illuminated by the light from the kitchen window. “She ran away when I asked her to marry me. She broke my heart.”
“She told you what she wanted out of life, her future,” Colton retorted. “She was up front and honest. She didn’t accept your ring, then bolt like a rabbit. You’re acting like she lied and cheated like Becky, twisted you around her finger, then tossed you into the manure pile. The fault don’t lie with her, but with you.”
Travis looked away, back up at the stars. “You might be right,” he murmured. “But now she’s gone.”
“And that’s on you. But I’m sure you’ll find a way to make that her fault, too.”
“Colton –”
“You go to church and learn about forgiveness and what Christ did for us,” Colton went on, holding nothing back. “But when it comes to you, there sure ain’t no forgiveness in your heart, is there?”
Before Travis could say a word, Colton stormed into the house, slamming the screen door behind him. Sinking into the lawn chair, Travis put his face in his hands. He listened to the crickets chirp, the whine of a mosquito near his ear, and tried to search his heart. Is Colton right? Am I making this all Addie’s fault by my inability to forgive her for seeking her dreams rather than marry me?
Lifting his face, Travis stared out over the blackened land, putting Addie and Becky side by side in his thoughts. There was no comparison, he realized. Addie had been truthful, even if it meant hurting him. Becky couldn’t speak the truth to save her life. He had never asked Addie what she had wanted out of life in those days. I simply assumed she’d be delighted to marry me.
“What do they say about those who assume?” he asked aloud, his voice hoarse.
He knew she hated Honey Creek, hated the way her folks had treated her and Callie. Did he realize back then how badly she wanted out of Honey Creek?
I guess I thought she’d learn to like it by marrying me. And that was my mistake. So where in all that was Addie’s lie? Where exactly did she earn my mistrust, and my inability to forgive her?
Bowing his head, he tried to pray for forgiveness. Only then did he realize that he himself didn’t deserve such from the Lord. If he couldn’t forgive, why then did he deserve to be forgiven?
Travis suspected he wouldn’t get much sleep that night.
The courier service arrived with a manila envelope shortly before Travis, Brady and Colton planned to ride out and repair fence on the northern edge of the ranch. It was the farthest away, and the weather had finally decided to turn hot. The sun beat down on his hat, and already, without doing a thing, he felt sweat trickling down his back.
Under the eyes of Brady and Colton, Colton’s gaze still cold and judgmental, Travis signed for the envelope. As the delivery woman nodded, and went back to her car, he opened it. It was a two page report outlining the Clean Water Act’s requirements and suggestions on what they could do to improve the cleanliness of their water supply.
Both Brady and Colton read it together. “Addie sure did her homework,” Brady commented. “More than I did.”
“Once we find out how bad the water is,” Travis said, pulling on his work gloves, “we’ll go from there. If it’s not polluted, then we’re in the clear.”
Brady swung into his saddle. “When does the lab guy get here?”
“Tomorrow at two.”
Colton had hardly said a thing to Travis since they both got up, and even now had little to talk about. It was not like Colton to hold a grudge, especially over some
thing he was not directly involved in. Absently wondering if Colton had a crush on Addie, he discarded that thought immediately.
He’s still mad because I didn’t treat her right.
“Will Addie come out while the guy is here?” Brady asked as Zora shifted her feet under him.
“Not likely,” Colton replied, already on board the filly. “Not after the way this guy treated her last night.”
Brady’s eyes narrowed. “What did you do to her?”
Taking a deep breath, Travis stepped into his saddle. “Told her I couldn’t trust her. Now before you get all riled up, just know I know I blew it. Now let’s get some work done.”
“Too right you blew it,” Brady commented, riding directly behind him. “Since you’re keen on pushing her away, maybe I should ask her out. Since you’re determined to make her life miserable.”
His fury rising, Travis turned in his saddle, and glared at Brady. Brady stared back for a long moment, then looked at Colton. Colton looked back at Brady. Then, as though guided by one mind, they both broke into laughter.
“So he does have feelings for her,” Brady said, still heehawing like a mule. “Didja see the flames shoot from his eyes, Colt?”
“Yeah.” Colton still snorted. “Too bad he’d rather whine about his life than do something about it.”
“He’s a different guy when Addie’s around,” Brady continued, chuckling. “It’s like he’s a little kid again, always smiling, happy, and then when she’s not he’s worse than a broody cow.”
Sighing, Travis turned back around. “You boys need a hobby.”
“What sort of hobby might that be?” Brady inquired. “Pointing out your faults to you? We do that for your own good, not for our fun.”
“Not that he thinks he has any,” Colton added. “In his eyes, Travis is Mr. Perfect.”
That stung. Craving the urge to turn around and blast Colton with his temper, Travis closed his eyes and counted slowly to twenty. Even after he calmed, he still said nothing to them. He didn’t trust himself. How’s that for irony? Working hard, sweating under the fierce Texas sun, he tried not to think of anything except the task at hand.
Brady and Colton ceased needling of him, and that reprieve helped him to focus on the work, stretching the wire tightly with the come-along, and clipping it to the t-posts. The only conversation was that necessary for the work. Expending his energy while emptying his mind may have helped him gain some perspective.
I’m falling in love with her all over again. Yet, even as he admitted this to himself, his emotions cringed. How can I let myself be hurt again? Addie left once before – what if she decides to leave again? Travis knew that was entirely possible. Addie had nothing to keep her in Honey Creek except Callie.
And Callie is portable. She can move away from town, and start a new life in a city just as Addie can.
“What are you thinking about?”
He glanced up from tightening Spike’s cinch to see Brady standing at the far side of the gelding, Zora’s nose at his shoulder. Travis almost replied, “Nothing,” then rethought. Colton had ridden the filly across the pasture to take a look at the herd, and that gave him the opportunity to confide in Brady.
“I’m falling in love with Addie. But I’m terrified of losing her.”
“Okay, you’re finally showing some smarts,” Brady said. “She’s a good girl.”
“But what if she decides to head out again?” Travis asked, feeling his desperation rise. “I can’t go through that. Not again.”
“Hmm.” Brady nodded thoughtfully. “A true dilemma. I expect that might require you to do something that goes against your very nature.”
Travis blinked. “What would that be?”
“Talk to her,” Brady retorted, annoyed. “I know that’s difficult for you, since you have all the answers.”
Travis flushed, and fought not to sulk at the barbed criticism.
“Sit her down, and talk. Tell her how you feel, see what she feels. I seem to think that she’s got some feelings for you, Trav, or she wouldn’t do half of what she does.”
“Like what?”
“Came out to ride,” Brady answered. “Had dinner with you. If she thought you were scum, she wouldn’t do that. The girl is tough, and knows her own mind. Find out where that mind is. Life for her didn’t work out in the big city. Maybe this time, she might decide she likes small town life.”
“And if she doesn’t?”
“Then you’ll know, and you can back off your feelings for her.”
Travis grimaced, laying his arms over his saddle. “It might be too late for that.”
“Then give her a really good reason to stay, boy.” Brady glanced at Colton riding back toward them. “Dump your fool pride, find forgiveness within you, and tell her how you feel.”
“And what if she won’t let me?” Travis asked, recalling her hurt, and her declaration that she wished she had never come back the previous night.
“Then that’s another answer. But you can’t sit on your thumbs and keep asking ‘what if.’ I know it’s hard, but put your big boy pants on and give her a chance.”
“Do you think she could love me again?”
Brady eyed him with disillusion. “Dude. She already does.”
But after chores had been completed, and while Colton fixed their dinner, Travis tried to call Addie’s cell. He stood on the back deck, feeling some of the heat fade from the air as the sun rolled resolutely into the west, and listened to Addie’s voice invite him to leave a message.
“Hey, Addie,” he said to her voice mail. “It’s me. Please call me when you get a chance.”
He clicked the phone off, feeling deep in his gut that Addie saw his name pop up on her screen, and was determined not to talk to him. She won’t call me back. She’ll complete the legal needs of the ranch, then I’ll see her at the store or at church, and that will be the end of any possible relationship we might have had.
Then she and Callie will pack up and leave for Houston. Addie has good prospects there, she can pick up another job with no trouble at all.
Depressed, tired, Travis sat on the deck with a glass of iced tea, wondering how he could have decided to give her the second chance she certainly deserved, only to have Addie decide she didn’t want it. And I will deserve to lose her. She gave me a chance last night to talk about our relationship. We even kissed.
Recalling that kiss, Travis knew that Brady was right – Addie did love him. He had felt her love for him pour through the contact, and then he had gotten scared. Scared to risk his heart again, too afraid of hearing the word no again.
She knew he had withdrawn from her. Addie was no fool, and then he had done the unforgivable – he had thrown her love back in her face.
If she continues to love me through all of that, it’ll be a miracle.
Chapter 14
After a restless night in which Gus slept soundly, hardly waking at all due to his exhaustion, Addie got out of bed. What little sleep Addie did get was filled with dark dreams, and the ever-present feeling of guilt and worthlessness. Rubbing her face with both hands, she listened to Callie fixing breakfast in the kitchen.
Trudging to the shower, Addie let the hot water run over her, trying not to think of Travis and the previous night. I asked for the chance, and he said no. That’s all she wrote. It’s done, all that’s left is for the fat lady to sing.
Gus gurgled happily from his bassinet, waving his arms and legs as Addie went into the kitchen. She gazed down at him, thinking again of how much she wanted kids. “He got over the colic.”
“I should have known better than to not have his medicine here,” Callie said, frying bacon. “It caused him to suffer needlessly. I feel so terrible.”
Addie tickled the bottom of Gus’s foot, observing his normal color, and his usual happy personality. “We all screw up, I suppose,” she said. “I actually thought he was outgrowing the colic.”
“So did I, which is why I didn’t buy more of th
e gas droplets.”
“No harm done, sis. He’s fine.”
Callie smiled. “He was so tired from all his crying that he slept pretty much all night. I got up to feed him once, and then he was right back to sleep.”
“At least two of you slept.” Addie yawned.
Callie eyed her with concern. “You didn’t?”
“Not really.”
“I bet you were fussing over Travis.”
“Bingo.”
When Callie might have started in on what a jerk Travis was being, Addie lifted her hand. “Let’s not get into it. What’s done is done. I wasn’t going to do it, as I thought there was hope, but now I’m going to submit a resume with a law firm in Dallas. There’s this great firm that’s hiring out there.”
Turning back to the stove and the bacon, Callie said, “I guess I can’t blame you. And if you get the job?”
“I’m hoping you’ll come with me.”
Callie said nothing.
Walking to the office, Addie felt the heat approaching like a thunderstorm just over the horizon. The hour was early enough for the air to be cool, but she suspected it would be hot for the walk home. “I’m glad I have air conditioning.”
In the office, she turned on her computer, then looked up a courier service. After sending the report to the ranch, she started to write the motion for the judge to curb Parnell’s vindictive attacks on the Hamilton brothers. That took a few hours, and when her cell rang, she immediately thought it was Travis.
Disappointment filled her as she saw she didn’t recognize the number. “This is Addie.”
“You need to mind your own business, missy.”
Addie froze. She recognized the voice, the animosity and the rage. “Mr. Parnell, good day to you.”
“You big city folk need to stay in your big cities, and stop bothering innocent folks. It’s your fault those boys are messing with me. I want you to stop it right now.”
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