by Kim Krizan
There is an art to the catty comeback, though it comes naturally to anyone who produces estrogen and can thereby sniff out a put-down at fifty paces. Put-downs from other females, though they may come in the form of barely perceptible, unusually subtle communications of contempt and loathing, are unmistakable. The most effective are deployed with a soft voice and cheerful smile, and will be returned in kind. It is possible to engage in all-out warfare in public—even over what seems a civilized dinner.
How to Deal with Fellow Females
Again, because dealing with females is one of the most treacherous occupations she will encounter, a Fatale must have a plan. Here are tried-and-true methods:
•Cultivate fake friendliness to keep them at bay
•Ignore them completely
•Steal their men
•Regard them with suspicion
•Throw them off the trail by pretending to join the sisterhood
•Enjoy momentary glimpses of camaraderie, knowing they will disappear in a flash
•Bring them down
•Double-cross them
•Remember: “the enemy of my enemy is my friend”—but only for so long
•Live side-by-side like irritable cats, agreeing not to trespass each other’s territory
Appropriate Ensembles for Every Occasion
Scoping Out Her Female Competition
Slim steel-colored long-sleeved dress in lace.
Black hat that rises from the head like a mushroom stalk
decorated with dangling jewels.
Black gloves and purse. Buff-colored stole.
Three-strand pearl necklace with large single-pearl earrings.
(As worn by Julia Lambert, played by Annette Bening in “Being Julia.”)
Nabbing Her Girlfriend’s Boyfriend
Long, slim, black satin suit with broad-shouldered over-jacket.
Five-strand pearl necklace with dangly pearl earrings and pearl bracelet.
White gloves. Black pumps. Boxy black satin purse.
(As worn by Amy North, played by Lauren Bacall in
“Young Man with a Horn.”)
Telling Another Woman on the Eve of Her Wedding
That Her Fiancé Has Been Unfaithful
Diaphanous strapless gown with a tiny waist
and a long, full skirt.
Long wrap lined in mink.
Elaborate diamond necklace and earrings.
(As worn by Eva, played by Joan Crawford in “Queen Bee.”)
Malice Aforethought
How to Do Really Bad Things
“I hate you so much that I would destroy myself to take you down with me …. Hate is a very exciting emotion. Haven’t you noticed? Very exciting.”
—Gilda, played by Rita Hayworth in “Gilda”
Femme fatale. Don’t forget the second part of the equation—the “fatal” part.
These women pack heat to fill some dupe with daylight. They drill, fog, and pop any dumb palooka who gets in their way, leaving ‘em pooped on the street. They rub out boozehounds, boobs, and lugs. They knock off any dumb mug who doesn’t beat it. They clip ‘em, cool ‘em, treat ‘em to some Chicago lightning until they kick off. They wear iron, pack rods, pull out their bean-shooters and give the ginks a little lead poisoning. They blip the goons, bop the suckers, and bump the wrong numbers. They plug the stool pigeons. Maybe they give the snoopers a little chin music too. They set up the eggs for an electric cure and some fry time. A little wind dancing? That’ll work too. Pulling out their roscoes and pumping metal into a few good-for-nothing numbers? Always. Some Harlem sunset by courtesy of a knife? Priceless. And after they’ve thrown lead and chilled off the patsies, zotzing ‘em, croaking ‘em, and cutting ‘em down for the big sleep, the femme fatale will get a clean sneak.
Why does she do it? Because of something some guy did to her, duh. That, and the person she does it to stands between her and her dreams—and nothing is more important to the Fatale than her big dream, even if it’s just to survive this lousy rat race.
Fatales play hardball. They know they can’t get anywhere by following rules, honoring any supposedly civil contract, or lobbing pansy-ass softballs. Time’s a-wastin’ and life is short. They might have tried to play nice in the beginning when they were naive bims, frails, dishes, dolls, dames, skirts, twists, ankles, and tomatoes, but it was a total waste of their precious time and now they know better. The quickest distance between a broad and her goal is often achieved with the help of a little malice aforethought.
Good People To Do In*
(*metaphorically, of course)
• Exes of all stripe
•Husbands and boyfriends
•Detectives, in general
•Bad bosses
•Barbaric in-laws
•Lousy hairstylists
•False friends
•Rotten relatives
•Indescribably annoying co-workers
•Crap roommates
•Unbearable neighbors
•Assbag authority figures
•Anyone who tries to use her
•Fools who attempt to cheat her
… and anyone who gets in her way
There’s something so clean and pure about treating someone who has it coming to what they have coming. She could talk about her pain and anger all day long. She could “communicate,” “discuss her feelings,” cry, or see a therapist. She could also “turn the other cheek” and “rise above.” But in a world gone nuts, what do those things accomplish? The Fatale doesn’t wait for a superior being to sort anything out. No, she would rather sort ‘em out herself.
Margot’s Way
Take a page from Margot, “Decoy’s” marvelous femme fatale, played by Jean Gillie. The tagline of the film (“She Treats Men the Way They’ve Been Treating Women for Years!”) reveals the cosmic truth that, by her actions (harsh and brutal as they may have appeared) dear Margot merely sought to reestablish a fair and equitable balance between the sexes. Yes, she was merely extending the hand of justice across the gender lines.
Margot’s gangster friend Frank landed himself on death row, set to be executed in the chamber with some Nevada gas. Ho hum, such is life in the big city. But the problem is that Frank is the only one who knows where $400,000 is buried. Margot seduces the prison doctor, convincing him to administer a fancy drug to Frank’s lifeless body immediately after the execution, one that will nullify the poisoning effect of the cyanide and bring Frank back to life (long enough to give her the 4-1-1 on the 400 big ones). But now that the doctor has implicated himself in a serious crime, Margot and her other hood friend, Jim, force the doctor to drive them out to the secret location where the money is stashed. While en route, Margot secretly lets the air out of one of the car’s tires, then asks Jim to get out and check for a flat. After Jim is under the car, Margot hits the gas and runs him over, leaving his dead body on the side of the road. (The movie censors cut out the fact that she ran him over a few times for good measure.)
Though in the end things don’t turn out that well for Margot, for a while she had a good run playing God (Goddess?) with anyone and everyone who crossed her path. Money is Margot’s raison d’etre, her actions purely Machiavellian, and any life goal beyond getting her paws on the $400K was lost long ago. Does she employ violence? Is the Pope Catholic?
Lorna’s Way
It’s hard to beat “Lorna Vecchi,” the patron saint of bad girls everywhere. Languorous, platinum Lorna, played by the notorious Barbara Payton, is the beautiful wife of jolly Giuseppe in “Bad Blonde” (also called “The Flanagan Boy”).
One night, excited about a new business proposition, Giuseppe brings home Johnny Flanagan, a promising boxer, as well as Johnny’s boxing trainers. Giuseppe is certain that he can make a mint off of Johnny’s boxing talent but Lorna couldn’t be bothered and slowly pulls on her stockings in full of view of the young athlete, though when she sees him studying her legs she slams the bedroom door in disgust. When h
er husband asks if she wants to see Johnny fight she complains, “It’s our last night in town. Why spend it slumming in some fair ground?” When Giuseppe insists, Lorna says, “Alright. Have it your way. I’ve been bored before.” At the sight of Johnny half-naked and sweating in the ring she can’t help but lick her lips, though Lorna continues to insult him, saying, “I’ve seen better bodies hanging in a butcher shop.”
Clueless Giuseppe, excited about his partnership, practically throws his snotty bride and the virile young athlete together and soon they’re having a passionate tryst, which Johnny tries to break off because of his “conscience.” Incredulous, Lorna does the only appropriate thing and threatens suicide, running for a train track as a speeding train approaches. Johnny catches her in time and they fall into each other’s arms. Then Johnny’s trainers tell Lorna to lay off, that the boy needs to train and doesn’t need the stress of an affair with the partner’s wife. Lorna pulls out the big gun and claims pregnancy right before Johnny’s debut fight. This causes him to falter and lose, thereby sabotaging her husband’s business venture, but it allows Lorna to reel her boy back in one swift move.
Then comes the real fun: Lorna says to Johnny, “[Giuseppe’s] a rich man. And I’m his wife. Something could happen. You could make it happen. It’s an idea, Johnny.” Guileless Johnny can’t see killing Giuseppe so Lorna dumps him hard, insults him, and then messes up his next boxing opportunity by announcing to her husband she’s pregnant with his child. Johnny is devastated. With his parade thoroughly rained on Lorna approaches him again and shows him a vial of poison, saying, “Johnny, I’ll do anything for you. If you won’t do it, I’ll do it.”
Pushed to the brink, Johnny finally kills Giuseppe. Johnny’s trainer, Sharkey, says, “That dame got you so twisted you didn’t know what you were doing” and tries to get Johnny away from Lorna, but she begs Johnny to run off with her. When Giuseppe’s elderly Italian mother appears and announces with Old World-wisdom that Lorna is obviously not pregnant, Johnny knows he’s been played for a fool. He tells Lorna he’s going to the police. Soon Johnny is dead, an apparent suicide, but the police find a vial of poison in Lorna’s room and she’s off to the big house.
Score: Lorna, two. Mankind, one.
Kitty’s Way
The Swede, played by Burt Lancaster in the original version of “The Killers,” is a big sweet lug, a guy destined for a promising career in boxing. That is until he catches a load of Ava Gardner’s Kitty Collins in her black satin dress. After meeting Kitty the Swede is willing to dump his girlfriend and dump boxing too. Hell, he’d even take the rap for Kitty and go to the clink. And when he comes out, instead of staying clean and starting fresh, he’ll join her and her friends in plotting a heist. The Swede would happily double-cross those friends—if that’s what Kitty wants. Gosh, to go off into the sunset with Kitty and with a pile of money to boot? That would be swell. And that’s where Kitty makes her move, triple-crossing the Swede and running off into the sunset on her own. Listen, business is business and all’s fair in love and war.
A First-class Dragon Lady
Anna May Wong’s character in “Shanghai Express,” Hui Fei, is a slinky, droll girl who not only smokes, lingers over solitaire, and plays jazz records in her train car … she also stabs the awful Eurasian businessman Henry Chang in the back. Seem extreme? Not if one knows Henry Chang, creep to end all creeps. He actually thought that after raiding the train that swept through war-torn China he could assault Hui Fei without recourse and take Shanghai Lily as his personal spoils. In short, the guy has it coming to him. By dispatching Chang to the express train to hell, Hui Fei merely restores balance in the universe.
Mistress Goddamn
Bette Davis’s character Leslie in “The Letter” shows that when a man rejects a Fatale’s advances, it is proper to shoot him. Then a Fatale must tremulously explain to her husband and the authorities that the dead man—though a supposed family friend—made untoward advances. In an effort to defend her honor, the Fatale found the need to … well, to blow his head off.
But in Leslie’s case, there’s that little matter of the letter she wrote, the one demanding that the man—the supposed family friend—come to see her ASAP. This letter appears to express Leslie’s undying love and it has fallen into the hands of the man’s widow. Leslie’s loving, trusting husband needn’t see the letter, but he will readily clean out his savings account to keep dear Leslie from having to bother with further legal nonsense. He will find out the truth later, of course, after Leslie has been saved from the gallows. By then it won’t matter anyway for he was always a bit of a simp. Simple, no?
The Black Widow
In “Black Widow,” Theresa Russell plays the perfect dream girl: an elegant urban blonde, a saucy Texan redhead, a slightly dowdy but passionately dedicated intellectual, and a sunny outdoor girl. In short, she plays a succession characters, tailoring her looks, style, and interests so that she can swoop in and become the well-matched wife to a succession of wealthy men—the girl of their dreams. Strangely, though, these men die shortly after the weddings, but because the grieving widow has the legal right to their wealth, the loss isn’t really that devastating.
Weapons
A femme fatale might keep it simple and use an ice pick, as did Sharon Stone’s Catherine Tramell in “Basic Instinct” (at least ostensibly). Hammers and choking instruments have also been employed, whether by the Fatale or by her accomplice boyfriend. But ice picks and hammers can be messy and Fatales don’t like messes. The tried and true weapon is the simple gun, though there are other methods that don’t leave fingerprints. The best weapon of all is the Fatale’s Mephistopheles-like cunning, for she can use her mark’s own stupidity against him in a variety of satisfying ways.
Accidents
When Lana Turner had had enough of boyfriend Johnny Stompanato, her daughter conveniently showed up at the bedroom door with a kitchen knife, which, in the heat of the fight, Johnny walked into. Lana’s daughter was a pretty, privileged, white minor. Johnny was a two-bit hood. Good riddance Johnny. And Lana’s performance on the witness stand in court? Probably the best of her long career.
“ Accidents ”
“Leave Her to Heaven’s” Ellen, played by Gene Tierney, had a pesky brother-in-law, one who insisted on tagging along with Ellen and her new husband when she wanted a little alone time. Ellen appeared to be the perfect sister-in-law—so devoted, so feminine, so fun and sporty. So when little brother got to be a bit too annoying Ellen invited him out for some boating on the lake. Gosh, it was oh-so-tragic when brother drowned, especially since he was disabled. But, gee, shouldn’t the silly boy have known better than to have gone out on a lake when he couldn’t swim?
Suicide
Another amusing method for getting rid of people is to drive them to suicide. Lorna, frustrated wife in “Bad Blonde,” had a small glass vial of pills marked “POISON” in large letters. She needed only to wave this little bottle in front of secret boyfriend Johnny’s face to set off a whole chain of exciting events that culminated in her husband’s demise and Johnny’s supposed suicide. (An interesting option is to take a small pill bottle, fill it with mints, label it “POISON,” show it to one’s beau, and see what happens.)
Ava Gardner dabbled in this technique, even driving Sinatra to telephoning her, saying he was offing himself, and then shooting a gun near the mouthpiece of the phone. It was a ruse to get attention, but hey—even a fake suicide attempt could go bad.
Betrayal
Ultimately, though, breaking someone’s heart is the best way to take a chunk out of them. Breaking up unexpectedly, absconding with the money, running off with their best friend, destroying their faith, shattering their trust … The French call an orgasm a “little death” (la petite mort), but taking a piece of someone’s heart is so much more like a little murder, n’est-ce pas?
Leave Some Sucker Holding the Bag
The Fatale is no dummy. Since it’s unpleasant to pull off the wh
ole messy job all by herself, she might enlist a little help. She then likes to leave someone else holding the bag—someone she can implicate. She needs a dupe, a patsy, some dumb mug who can be manipulated into doing her bidding and pulling off her nefarious schemes. In short, she needs a “partner” to whom she can point her red-taloned finger when the fist of the law comes down. This partner is her get-out-of-jail free card. They don’t come in short supply.
In the case of “Dead Gorgeous,” Antonia, played by Helen McCrory, has a female pal, Rose, played by Fay Ripley, to help her pull off the perfect crime. In most cases, though, the Fatale’s partner is a man, one who is dumb enough to believe she’s fallen in love with him. And when the game is over she can cast him aside like so much dross. (If he ends up going to the gas chamber, maybe she’ll shed a little tear.)
Cora’s Way
Cora had Frank, the handsome bindle stiff drifter who showed up at her diner. He was amazed that hotsy Cora would marry a guy as schlubby as Nick. Cora played hard-to-get at first, but eventually succumbed to Frank’s charms. When Cora became Frank’s secret girlfriend she confided that she wanted to be rid of Nick—she just didn’t know how. They hit the road, they tried staging accidents … nothing worked. Finally Frank smashed Nick over the head with a wine bottle and then pushed him over the cliff. So long schlubby husband. Hello nurse. They were free and clear. Cora didn’t really have to do a thing except offer a little comfort.
