“I’m going to organize the hotel room for her. Then there’s the rest of this party...”
“Aye, ye should do that. We daena want tae ruin the night for Chef Zach and Emma.”
“Okay.”
He kissed me once on the lips and left to speak to the guard.
Chapter 18
Hayley rushed me as soon as I returned to the reception. “What did she do? What did she say?”
I adjusted a gift that was shifting from underneath the pile of wedding presents. “I had to make another bargain with my creeptastic mother-in-law and yeah, it’s life and death and this is how she rolls.”
“I’m sorry honey, but at least you have Magnus now, where is he by the way?”
“He’s leaving with her, but not in a bad way, he’s taking her to her hotel. Because she is not staying in my guest room.”
“That is the truth. I don’t even think she should get to stay on the island. So we get to dance now?”
“Yes. Let me hug the bride first.”
I found Emma at a table laughing with Zach. I leaned down to speak to them. “First, I’m sorry I was gone for so long. Magnus has taken her to a hotel.”
“Jim drove them?”
“Yep, so for now, we’re unprotected, like the old days before life got all drastic and insane. But hey, enough about me, how’s the wedding so far?” I looked at my phone. “It’s almost over actually, we only have the place booked for another thirty minutes. I’m going for a drink and I’ll be dancing with Hayley, but I’m totally at your service — anything you need?”
“No I’m perfect Katie, thank you so much, the night was really great.”
“Good.” I hugged her because I felt kind of overcome. I went to dance it out to pop wedding music on a dance floor crowded with Emma and Zach’s relatives.
* * *
Two songs later we watched Emma, Ben on her hip, and Zach rush out the door with umbrellas over them to their waiting car. We maybe should have thrown something at them for good luck but they were pelted with rain and none of us wanted to go out in order to manage it.
Hayley hung around for a bit and helped me load the presents into garbage bags to protect them from the rain and Emma’s dad and uncle raced them out to their car. They were planning to give me a ride home because Magnus and the security guard, Jim, left in mine. Hayley asked if I needed her to come home with me and I told her no Magnus would come home. I just didn’t tell her when he was coming home.
I hugged her goodbye and we all rushed to our waiting cars.
Emma’s dad helped me cart all the presents to the house and then left me for the night in my big new home, all alone.
I changed into pajamas and grabbed a beer from the fridge.
I opened the rain-dripping garbage bags, pulled out the presents, and stacked them on the dining room table. I made it pretty. I toweled off the ones that were wet. I played my Spotify, ‘I’m doing great!’ Playlist with lots of Ariana Grande and Katy Perry. About thirty minutes later there was a soft knock on the front door. Jim’s knock.
“Katie I wanted you to know I’m back. I’m checking outside. I’ll be on the back deck.”
“Thanks Jim.”
“Magnus was set up outside of her hotel room. He said he’d be back first thing in the morning.”
“Sure, of course, thank you Jim. Need any food or anything?”
“Nah, I ate, see ya in the morning.”
He left to walk the perimeter of the house, keep me safe, surround me with protection. All I could do was sigh. I turned on the television and watched The Office, season 3, an episode I had watched too many times before. I still laughed and that felt good.
Magnus and I had been looking forward to a new kind of night, taking care of Ben, just the three of us. It would have been a chance to be ‘parents’ even if it was just pretend. And that was... I really really wanted to take care of a baby, like I would have been if I hadn’t lost ours.
Plus we were going to be mostly alone in our house, something we rarely got. I thought back on that first night, when I spent the night in Magnus’s room, while he slept in the chair.
That had been a lovely night full of fresh hope and getting to know each other. We needed more of that. Our time together was always brief and too far apart.
But he would be home tomorrow morning.
I went to the laptop on the kitchen counter, a stack of midwifery and birthing books beside it because I had been researching, and googled my name, Kaitlyn Sheffield.
I was in the news.
There was a screenshot: me, a little out of focus, in the midst of writhing, my lips parted sexily, a blur applied to my naked parts, because this was the ‘news’ after all. The caption said, “The private videos of former YouTuber, Kaitlyn Sheffield, are released as part of a YouTube ratings battle.”
“Fuck you, I’m not a ratings battle.”
I checked YouTube and the live links all said, “We are unable to show this content.” Someone had taken the videos down already.
Unless of course I kept looking.
I didn’t want to, but I did, scrolling deeper into the Google search results until I found a link on page two. And there I was having sex with Braden. He was talking to me, saying sweet, stupid, and sometimes sexy things, and I was nodding and acting like I was turned on. I closed my laptop lid. I opened it again and cleared my search history.
I started a list, number one, hire a lawyer.
I didn’t think I would be able to sleep.
Magnus had a son.
He might right now be in the future seeing her. The mother of his son. Probably not. But he could. I didn’t really understand what he thought about her, felt about her. He hadn’t given me a clear explanation. And now there was a child.
I kind of wondered if I was in shock because I was taking it really well considering.
But maybe it was a little like being up on a shelf, there would be a time coming to deal with the emotions of all of this.
Was I abandoned again?
I didn’t feel like it, maybe because I had made the choice.
Ultimately from now on, this was what I decided to do.
That was a relief having decided.
I finally curled up on my bed and fell asleep.
Chapter 19
I woke up very early. I opened the curtains and looked out on a brisk, windy, but clear day. The day after a storm was usually a pretty good day. There would be a lot of rubbish to deal with, but yeah, the air was fresh. The sky blue. Wisps of clouds racing from horizon to horizon above.
I padded into the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee and in the fridge found the breakfast Zach had left me — plain yogurt. A note in his scrawl said: the granola is in the pantry. I had never once liked granola. Unless it was on ice cream and that was only because the ice cream masked the taste.
Irritated, I checked the pantry. The granola box was on top of a box of brand new mixed-fancy donuts. With a note: a heart, signed ‘Emma and Zach.’ Under it, in parentheses it said, ‘You should really eat better,’ in Zach’s scrawl.
I said to the empty room, “Well, you’re my chef, if I eat badly who’s to blame, really? See how I got you there?” I opened the lid. The assortment was magical: frosted, sprinkled, glazed, baked. I decided which ones Magnus would like and I picked the ones I would eat and while the coffee brewed, I took a bite of each of them. Because it was an empty house and I could.
I pulled a sweatshirt on over my head, a pair of flannel pajama pants on and a pair of wool socks on my feet, and carried a stack of cloth napkins under my arm, the box of donuts, and two mugs with a carafe of coffee out to the deck. I returned for the jug of milk. There were two wooden rocking chairs out there, close to the house, right beside each other, protected from the wind. It was eye-level to the beach. My views stretched to the windswept sea grass and the frothy foaming deep green sea beyond. Actually the color was more like that Gingham filter on Instagram, like a deep green but with mos
t of the green taken away. It was beautiful. The direction of the wind was perfect for keeping my hair out of my eyes. Three birds were flying and swooping and cawing out over the beach.
I took a long edifying drink of coffee, warm, half of it whole milk like a hug on my insides, and ate a bit of the chocolate-frosted chocolate cake with chocolate sprinkles donut and tucked my feet up into the seat and enjoyed the view.
I marveled at the scenery outside and the peace and quiet in my insides.
How was I so calm? I thought through the last few weeks. Magnus, doing everything in his power to help me heal. Magnus, constant and kind. Magnus, dealing with his own shit too, and overwhelmed by it all, but still — trying.
Maybe it was, like I came to last night, that I had decided for Magnus and me. I chose. And his words, “I live by my wife’s decisions, I serve as she decides,” he hadn’t meant that as some kind of flowery ‘win me back’ kind of bullshit. He meant it. I watched his face as he said it, the words came from deep down near his bones and marrow.
He loved me so much.
He kept proving it to me.
From his romantic speeches to his every day laughs.
That was what was keeping my emotions at bay. After a long year without Magnus I had him back. He had a ton of baggage but he was back. I had baggage too, but mine was inside. Mine would get better if I could stop everything from happening to me and be the one who makes things happen.
Step one, decide for once, check.
And I would help Magnus carry his baggage.
Step two, do that, check.
And helping the love of my life deal with this heavy burdensome pile of awful? I could do that.
He was worth it. And it was within my skill set.
I watched one of the birds swoop down into the shallow parts of a wave as the door opened from the living room and Magnus’s footsteps came across the boards of the deck.
He wordlessly sank down in the other chair and his hand wrapped around mine on the side-by-side armrests. He sighed and looked down at our hands, clasped tightly. He looked over at me. “Good morning, mo reul-iuil.”
“Good morning, Magnus.” I rubbed my thumb along the back of his hand, watching his familiar strength as his muscles simultaneously relaxed, but also held comfortingly close.
My voice was quiet when I asked, “Did you go?”
“Nae, I dinna go, Kaitlyn.” He brought my hand to his lips and brushed the back of my fingers. “I dinna. I will tell ye if I do.”
He took another deep breath. “I want ye tae ken I would have chosen—”
I shook my head. “I meant it when I said I don’t want you to tell me. Because I know what you would have chosen, Magnus, because I know you. I know the kind of man you are. But I also know you couldn’t live with it after. You would have regretted what you didn’t choose. That’s why I intervened.”
He watched my face as I spoke.
“This is something we need to leave unsaid, okay?”
“Aye, mo reul-iuil. I will listen tae ye on it.”
I pulled the box of donuts from under my chair and held it open for him. He picked a long maple donut with a piece of bacon across it. He ate half of it in one bite. I handed him a mug with black coffee. He finished the donut with the third bite and we both leaned in our chairs and our hands found each other again.
We watched the seagulls dip and dive in the wind on the beach.
Magnus said, “We have much tae speak on, mo reul-iuil.” He focused on our hands again. “I said twas the truth that we tell each other everythin’, yet we have heard much that we dinna ken. We may want tae begin again.”
I clasped his hand and pulled it to my chest, a tear slid down my cheek. “Can you tell me about her?”
“Aye. I will if it will help ye on it.”
“It will. I really don’t want to be surprised with anything anymore. She lived with you, like really lived with you?” My voice broke. “She slept in your bed?”
His thumb rubbed along my knuckles. “Did I tell ye, Kaitlyn, that I never got tae go outside?”
I shook my head.
“In the arena, when I was fightin’ was the only time I had the sky above me, the sun on my face, the air. Twas hard tae have the one, the battle, the near death, tae get tae the other, the open sky.
He brought his other hand to clasp it around mine. “Her presence was the same, I had tae put up with it tae get tae the freedom she promised me. She arrived one night as a gift from Donnan and we were locked in together. There was only one bed, mo reul-iuil, but in the beginnin’ she kept tae herself. So I let down my guard. I kent she was a prisoner too and I kent that made her dangerous, but I was desperate about havin’ tae give ye up and I dinna guard against her well enough. I slept beside her, yes.”
“What was, I mean, is her name? You aren’t saying it...”
“Her name is Bella.”
“Is she beautiful?”
He took a deep breath. “Yes. But she wasna... I daena ken how tae describe it — I dinna like her, she wasna the same as—”
“I really don’t want you to compare us, Magnus. I understand. But I need more. Donnan saw you together?”
“Bella had a way of sayin’ and doin’ things that made it seem as if I belonged tae her.”
“Like what?”
“She called me, ‘My Magnus,’ and would touch me in a way tae show tae Donnan that we were together. Though we werena.”
“Did she know about me, that you were married?”
“She asked about ye and I told her the truth of it, that I was married and I wouldna be hers.” He ran a hand through his hair and seemed upset. He let go of my hand and reached in the donut box for another donut. He ate half of it in a bite and put the other half back, wiped his hands on a napkin and took a drink of coffee.
“What did she say?”
“She told me ye were dead. She said it again and again.”
I took a deep breath and nodded.
“So tell me about when it happened.”
“Twas the night before Donnan’s Gala, she told me she wanted tae be with me and when I reminded her I couldna she refused tae listen tae me on it. She threatened tae tell Donnan about our plan tae overthrow him. Donnan kent where you lived, I told her that Donnan would kill ye tae get back at me and it—” He shook his head, staring out over the sand dunes to the ocean. “Do ye want me tae keep tellin’ it?”
“Yeah.”
“She was pushin’ me tae bed her. Twas all verra confusin’, she said ye were dead, but I also kent that Donnan would kill ye — twas hard tae worry about those two things at one time. Tae mourn ye and feel desperate tae protect ye, and both of them filled my head so that I couldna think straight, and she was taking off my clothes and — that’s when I took her tae my bed. Twas only once. I ken it daena excuse it but I want ye tae ken, twas only once. When Lady Mairead called her my mistress twas nae the truth of it.”
I clasped my hand tighter around his. “I knew that wasn’t the truth of it. Thank you for telling me all about what was true.”
He nodded.
I pulled his hand into my lap wrapped in both of mine. “So you have a son.” My next breath caught in my chest three full times while I gasped in enough air to swallow down the tears that wanted to come. “I wanted to be the one who did that for you.”
His face broke, tears pooled in his lower lid. “I ken ye did, Kaitlyn. I ken it.” His head bowed and I pulled his arm and his shoulder and his head to my chest and held onto it. I pressed my cheek into his hair and held him while his shoulders shook from the grief of it. It took a long time of holding him. A breeze ruffled my hair. The wind was calming as the morning sun brightened and warmed on our deck.
Slowly he raised his head and I pressed my tear-covered cheeks to his and we kissed long and sweet and sad. His breath on my skin, my fingers on the pulse of his neck. And slowly he pulled away, we passed a cloth napkin back and forth between us for our tears, and returned to claspin
g each other’s hands, watching the dunes and the ocean beyond.
“So I will be a king then, or die trying?”
“Please don’t die.”
He took a deep breath. “It canna have been easy for ye tae hear all that Lady Mairead said and make the decision ye made...”
“It was easier for me than it would have been for you. It's the kind of man you are. You are bound with honor. And Lady Mairead and — others, they are trying to destroy that part of you, to what — make you decide between me and someone else that deserves your protection? Your child? I won’t ever make you choose like that. I won’t.” My lower lip trembled. “Because I’m safe for you.”
“You mean tae be my protection, Kaitlyn?”
“Always, as you are mine. I’ll always be your safe place.”
He covered my hand with his. “I like tae think of ye as my home, Kaitlyn.”
“It is always true.”
A wispy cloud raced across the sky and we watched it for a moment.
Magnus said, “Have ye forgiven me on it?”
“I do. My forgiveness happened slowly, moment by moment, but it’s fully here. I might be angry sometimes as we live the rest of our lives dealing with your son. The world seems pretty unfair to me right now — that might make me really really act out... I would like to punch someone and my list of someones is getting much longer. But, you, my love, I just want to wrap around you and keep you safe.”
He wrapped his hands around mine, drew my fingers to his lips and kissed my knuckle.
“I will teach ye tae punch.”
I chuckled. “It’s a deal.”
“Tis your turn tae tell me of what happened tae ye, that Lady Mairead was speakin’ of.”
I said, “This needs another donut.” I pulled out the box and we each took one. I poured a little more coffee in our mugs. We chewed with moans of pleasure and we took long drafts of the warm liquid. I wiped my fingers and mouth and began. “Years ago, when I was with Braden, I made a mistake and let him film me, with a camera, while we were having sex.”
Entangled With You Page 8
