by Dale Mayer
Cole looked up and let out a slow breath. “Before the relapse, I was absolutely determined to get the exact same results as you. I would beat your time. I would kick your ass. I would make sure I owned this place,” he said. “I wanted my body back in the biggest way.” He picked up a spoon and stirred his black coffee, studying the swirling pattern in the cup. Then he continued in a low voice. “When I came back the second time, I was terrified. They warned me about not doing too much.” He sighed. “Now I feel like I’m lost in the middle ground. I’m scared to give it my all because that setback scared the crap out of me.”
“Understandable. It was rough on you at the time. Hell, it was pretty rough on me too.” Brock smiled. “I was devastated when I heard you’d been taken back to the hospital.”
“You and me both.” Cole chuckled wryly. “From where I was, when I first returned here, to where I am today is a huge improvement, but it still seems like I am so damned far away. It’s there within my grasp, but it’s not. I can almost reach out and touch it.” Cole grabbed Brock’s arm. “I can see it in you. You made something magical happen. I’m looking for that same thing.”
Brock turned his arm over so he could grab Cole’s forearm. “But you weren’t here to see my first three months as I struggled to get to where I am today. Plus, you don’t see how you’re actually making your own miracle happen right now. Because you’re in the middle of the process, you can’t see it yet. Remember when I was terrified of failing BUD/s training?”
Cole nodded. “It was easy to spot the fear because I felt the same damned thing.”
“But we made it. We gave it our all, and we made it. What you must do is make that adjustment and understand, even if you give it your all right now, give everything Shane asks of you, you won’t have a relapse. You could have a day where you feel like shit and think you can’t do any more, but people like us, we can’t say no.” He stared into Cole’s eyes. “We have to go all-in.”
Cole smiled at him. “That was our motto, wasn’t it? And so true. When we do something, we go all-in.” He could feel something stirring inside him, the power that drove his desire to do better. It was that incredible competitiveness to do his best. “That’s what I needed to hear.”
Brock squeezed his buddy’s arm and released him. “The other thing to remember is, when we were in BUD/s training, in many ways it was all about fighting the demons within yourself to find that best within you, so you could make it through the training. We did it as a team. We were together. We helped each other. We made it. There were days all of us were in tears, when all of us were broken, but always one of us wasn’t as bad as the others, and that’s what held us together. That’s what pulled us up so we all made it.”
“You’re right. That’s exactly it.”
Brock nodded in agreement. “Before, when I was broken, I was at the lowest I could be. Now it’s your turn to be down, and it’s my turn to help you get back up.”
“Too bad Denton isn’t here.”
Brock grinned. “That’s something I wanted to talk to you about. I heard from Dent today. Dani called to tell him how things are looking good, and she hopes to have good news for him soon. It may be another three weeks until he knows for sure, but for however long I’m here, it’ll be good to have the three of us together again, like old times.”
“Good? Man, that is freaking awesome.” That was the final clincher Cole needed to ignite the burning fire inside—it went from glowing coals to flames instantly. “You know he’ll require a little help when he gets here, right?”
Brock nodded slowly. “That can be your job, dude. Like I’m here to help you, you can be here to help him. He’ll see me and think that’s too high a level to achieve. It’ll be up to you to show him how very doable it is.”
Feeling like Brock’s words had rooted themselves somehow on the inside, Cole sat back in his chair, filled with determination. “Now that I can do.”
Chapter 10
Sandra remembered the conversation from the team meeting many times over the next few days. In a way it was unfinished, incomplete. She disagreed that her friendship with Cole could be detrimental to his progress. That was like saying, hugging and petting the sick animals downstairs would hinder the patients’ recovery upstairs. She wasn’t Cole’s therapist, and she wasn’t a psychiatrist, but she was a nurse, and he was one of her patients who she looked after and kept an eye on.
But now that Cole was in much better physical shape, her role was becoming redundant. She barely stepped inside his room now as he was off most of his meds. When she did go to his room, it was as a friend, and friendship should add to any relationship. It shouldn’t take away from it.
Of course, she’d already seen the beneficial results of a relationship in Dani and Aaron, and in Sidney and Brock. Even Cole’s relationship with Brock. Sandra knew that had a much bigger impact on Cole than his relationship with her. Maybe it was supposed to be like that. If you stayed secluded and didn’t have to deal with all these issues, you also didn’t grow as a person. Even though the growing part could be painful, there was so much joy afterward when you looked back at how far you’d come.
Nobody at that meeting had suggested she step away from the relationship. As she and Cole were only friends, she didn’t feel she needed to. But a part of her worried all the same.
It was Friday afternoon, and she had a whole weekend off. She’d head to town tomorrow to do some shopping. She grabbed her tablet and a coffee and walked to the pool area. One of the advantages of her apartment was how close to the pool she lived. She sat in the sunshine, out of the way of the splashes, and brought up the list of things she had to do. When she heard her name, she glanced at the pool to see Cole swimming toward her side. She smiled. “You swim like a seal.”
He gave a startled laugh. “I absolutely do.” He hefted himself onto the side of the pool and sat there, the water dripping off him. She smiled, appreciating how much his body had grown and changed. He was no longer the same broken man. He wasn’t completely fixed, but she could see the progress. She wondered if he could.
“What are you working on?” he asked.
“A shopping list of things I’ll get in town tomorrow.”
“Oh.”
She glanced at him. “We do get weekends off, and this is mine.” She shrugged. “We’re on split shifts, so when I get a couple days off together, I’m happy to go to town.”
He nodded. “Sounds like fun.”
“You’re welcome to come.” She tossed off the invitation casually and then added, “But beware, I have a lot of shops to visit on my list.”
He shook his head and said, “Not exactly my deal.”
She grinned. “I don’t know too many men who like to shop.”
“I do if I need something,” he said. “I’m not much on window shopping.”
“There are no windows on my list,” she joked. “Do you need anything while I’m out?” She studied his face as he contemplated the question. Then he shook his head.
“In a couple weeks, I might enjoy a trip to town,” he said. “But too many stops may be hard on me at this point, so I don’t want to risk it.”
“Still worried about doing too much?”
He shook his head, water droplets flying everywhere. A few of them landed on her legs, making her laugh and shift back a bit. “I’ll take that as a no.”
He grinned up at her. “Not worried about it. I just don’t want to do anything that’ll set me back. I know how hard it was to get here.” He opened his arms and said, “And I’m a work in progress. I also know how hard it was mentally and emotionally with the initial setback.” He shook his head. “I’ll do a lot to avoid that.”
“Very good thinking on your part,” she admitted. “Make sure you’re not holding yourself back from further progress out of fear.”
He glanced at her. “Is that something you have dealt with before?”
She nodded. “I think we all have. Fear is a killer for so many of us.�
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“Fear is something I had to deal with throughout my training and when I went on missions,” he said. “I can’t say it’s something I expected to feel during rehab. But it was one of the biggest stumbling blocks in the beginning. I wanted to do so well. I wanted to be a success story and was so afraid that, instead, I would be one of the worst-case scenarios.” He flashed a tentative grin at her. “But slowly, step by step, as I see my own improvements, the fear abates, and in its place, I find self-confidence.”
“As long as the self-confidence is in check, then everything’s moving the way it should be.”
He grinned at that. “Isn’t that the truth? Overconfidence can be just as devastating as fear.”
“It’s all about balance,” she said. She got up and walked to the edge of the pool, watching the blue water splashing up at the edges. “This pool is a genius idea.”
“It is. I feel strong and vibrant in the water. The minute I get out, it’s not the same feeling at all.”
“I’m not a very good swimmer,” she confessed. “I keep meaning to learn, but …” She let her voice trail off.
“If that’s something you would like to do,” he said, “while I’m here, I can certainly teach you.”
She glanced at him in surprise. “Really?”
He nodded. “I wasn’t kidding when I said I was a SEAL. Water and I are best buddies.” Then he rolled off the side into the water and did a series of laps, where he propelled his body up onto the surface and then let it flop back in again.
When he broke the surface, she was still smiling. “Okay, now that was very seal-like,” she said. “I don’t want to do that. Maybe the front crawl and the breaststroke.”
“My daily schedule is done. I had my last therapy session, and it’s like four o’clock. Go change and come back,” he said. “We can do a quick lesson right now. Then you can practice any time after work.”
She hesitated.
A teasing grin crept over his face. “Unless you’re scared.”
After their earlier conversation about fear, she glared at him. “That might have worked in high school, but it won’t work on me now.”
“Maybe, but it’s also on your bucket list,” he said. “Knocking something off your list and learning a life-saving skill at the same time, that’s well worth doing.”
She studied the cool, refreshing-looking water and realized how much she’d always wanted to beat that demon. But she wasn’t sure he was the right teacher.
“I don’t know if I’m scared of the water or if I just don’t know how to swim well enough,” she confessed. “I’ve tried to swim in the past, but I never did it successfully.”
“Go get changed,” he ordered. “Then come back, and we’ll find out. Come on. Don’t make a big thing of this. Get into the water, and we’ll sort it out.”
She gave him a suspicious glance but then saw he was being sincere, so she nodded and turned and walked to her apartment. Once there, she changed into her bathing suit and grabbed a beach wrap and a towel and then walked back out. He was doing laps along the right-hand side of the pool. She walked to the shallow end and dropped her wrap and towel on a chair, feeling very self-conscious. She quickly slipped into the water.
As soon as she stood in waist-deep water, he appeared in front of her.
“Perfect,” he said. “Now let’s see how much you do know, and we’ll go from there.”
An hour of much fun and laughter followed as he taught her to float, something she still struggled with, and then he showed her the simple front crawl technique. She hated putting her face underwater and quickly realized that was one of her biggest hurdles. Then he switched to the breaststroke. With her head out of the water, she had more confidence she could stay above water and yet still get from one end of the pool to the other. She managed six laps before her arms and legs felt shaky. She shook her head. “I had no idea I was so out of shape.”
“It’s not that you’re out of shape, but you’re pulling on muscles you don’t normally use—and dealing with fear,” he said quietly. “Both of those things stress you out more than anything.”
She glanced at him and said, “I guess you know something about that.”
He nodded. “More than I would like. Now let’s go again. This time, do the front crawl again, and you can keep your head to the side so you can still see, but you will be getting one step closer to proper form.”
The problem with that was she kept thinking. However, after she had made it to the other end of the pool and back again, she was improving slowly. When they finished that set, she pulled herself up to sit on the side of the pool.
“Now,” he said, “you should practice every day if you can. If not, at least every second day for a few days. Then I’ll come back, and we’ll work on fine-tuning your technique. Once you get those down, it’s all about practice and endurance. The more you do, the easier it becomes.”
Feeling delighted with her progress, she dropped back into the water, threw her arms around his neck, and kissed him on the cheek. He hugged her close.
“I’m happy to give back,” he said quietly. “Everybody here has treated me incredibly well.”
She pulled away slightly and smiled. “It’s easy to treat you well. You’re a very special guy.”
He would have been happy to be more than just company for her—he wanted to be close to her. To build that bond and strengthen that little something they had into something so much more meaningful.
But if she thought he was a special guy, well, he wouldn’t argue with her. If he could get another kiss as well, he wouldn’t argue with that either. But neither would he put her in the same position Sidney had been in. No make-out sessions in the pool. He swam back slightly and whispered, “Last thing I want to do is get you into trouble, like Sidney.”
Sandra wrinkled up her face and floated backward. “Good point.” She shook her head. Then nodded to the side.
He turned and caught sight of Kenneth, another patient, and wondered how much he had seen, overheard.
She continued. “It’s a sad world when somebody can’t give a kiss of gratitude without certain people taking it the wrong way.” She dove underwater.
He frowned. A kiss of gratitude? That was so not what he wanted. When she broke the surface again, he glanced around to make sure nobody was listening and said, “If this was a different place and time, I would show you a real kiss.”
She threw him a startled look, and as if realizing what he meant, rich color rolled up her face. She dove underwater again.
Cole didn’t blame her. He felt a bit antsy himself now. He probably shouldn’t have said what he did. It was like stating his intentions. Putting the cart before the horse once again, pushing instead of pulling back. He sank underwater, pissed at himself for having taken such a step. He didn’t want to scare her off.
He didn’t want to make her nervous around him. He had meant his comment to be gentle, teasing and seductive. Instead, it had come off hard and critical and a little bit angry. Mind you, that was partly because of her comment about gratitude. He swam to the side and pulled himself up where he could sit on the edge of the pool. He glanced around, wondering how far he would have to go to get to his crutches.
Only somebody had moved them. Instantly, fear struck him inside. He didn’t have his wheelchair here, his backup, for when he was tired. But without a wheelchair or his crutches, getting anywhere would be a lot harder. Sure, he could manage a few hops but only a few. He stared at his missing lower leg. He hadn’t brought any of the prosthetics with him either. He was scheduled to get refitted for one Monday afternoon. Provided the stump was stable, free of infection and strong enough. He’d had a ton of trouble with that.
He glanced around, but he couldn’t see anybody else nearby. His crutches now leaned against the changing room wall. Why the hell would somebody do that? Normally he was easygoing and laid-back about his property. He would lend stuff out and not be bothered if people were a little late returni
ng things. But he had to admit he had struggled lately over having his own possessions in a specific spot. Moving his crutches though, well, that was just mean. He swiveled around and used the handles on the ladder to pull himself upright.
Of course water was everywhere—a hazard for those with two legs as well—which was one of the reasons the crutches had solid rubber bottoms. He could hop on one foot, but his crutches were probably twenty feet away. He couldn’t afford to fall—that would be a failure. Yet, he also wanted to do this on his own, for even asking for help would be a draw in his mind, not an outright win. He wanted a success here.
With that thought uppermost, even knowing he would look ridiculous, he bent so his hands touched the ground and did a half-leapfrog action to his crutches. Not the debonair masculine can-do look he was going for.
With the crutches back in his hands, he headed to the changing room. The last thing he wanted to see was the look on her face. For sure, he wouldn’t have minded getting his hands on the asshole who had moved his crutches. Once inside, he sat on one of the big wooden benches. He leaned back and closed his eyes. Every time he thought he was moving ahead, he hit something that sent him reeling backward. Nothing quite like the reality of not being able to walk from the pool to the changing room without looking like an idiot to bring a guy down a peg or two.
She would be so much better off with someone else. Someone whole. Someone who wouldn’t embarrass her with the basic functions of life.
Chapter 11
Sandra broke through the water, happy to see Kenneth nowhere in sight and in time to see Cole making his way to his crutches in a rather unique manner. Why were they so far away? She knew some guys laid them literally alongside the edge of the pool, wanting the security of their tools near at hand. Still others deliberately placed things farther away to make it more difficult for themselves, pushing their own limits. She didn’t think Cole would’ve done that, but she still didn’t know him that well. She knew from their weekly team meetings Cole had yet to open up with his psychiatrist or with his therapist either. And it was their job to get him to talk about his issues, so she shouldn’t feel shunned.
