by Jo Goodman
Alexis laughed. “Not my intention at all, Frank. In fact, I came to find someone who would be willing to teach me how to use this properly. Who’s the best among the crew?”
“With all due modesty, ma’am,” Tom Daniels spoke. “You are lookin’ at him.”
“I’m not interested in modesty, Tom. I’m interested in skill.”
“He’s your man,” Landis told her. “He’s the best.” There was a murmur of agreement and Tom grinned.
Harry looked at Alexis’s weapon as a ray of light caught the thin blade. It glittered for an instant as she changed its position. He spoke to her while he looked pointedly at Tom. “Daniels is the one you want unless you are including the captain. Don’t protest, Tom. You know it’s true. Captain Cloud is the best.”
Tom shrugged. “He’s right, Alex. He makes me look like a fumblin’ backwoodsman.”
To Tom’s chagrin the others readily agreed and Alexis thanked them for their information.
“I suppose I should have known,” she said, examining her sword. “I’ll ask him when he comes up.”
Harry laughed soundlessly, pointing behind her. “He’s coming now, and from the looks of it you are about to have your first go at it.”
Alexis spun around and saw Cloud coming toward her, carrying one of the swords she had found too heavy and awkward for herself. When he reached her he took the weapon out of her hand, placing his own on the deck, and tested the blade she had chosen.
“That was a good choice, Danty,” he said, giving it back to her. “It was mine when I was first learning. It’s not right for me now but when I was about your size it was perfect. I take it you are somewhat familiar with using one of these.”
“A little, Captain. You should have told me when I asked for it that you would be my instructor.”
“Would that have dissuaded you?”
“Not at all. Only saved me time.”
“Then there’s nothing to be learned by any more talking,” he said, bending to pick up his sword. “Let’s clear a place and begin.”
She nodded and Landis, Tom, and the others moved from their places, forming a larger, interested circle around where she and the captain stood.
“You’ll have to show me what you know,” he explained. He took the beginning position and thrust his sword in her direction. She blocked it easily and began advancing. He allowed her a few forward moves, then he rapidly sent her back to her starting place and a few more steps beyond that. He stopped to adjust the sword in her hand. “If you place your hand like so,” he said, repositioning her slim fingers on the hilt.
She nodded. “That’s better.”
“You can feel the difference?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Now let’s go at it again.” He continued advancing, and she parried with increasing confidence. She attempted another advance, but he stopped and called a halt. “Danty, I know every move you are going to make before you make it. Your eyes are giving you away. Try not to make it so obvious that you want to drive your point through my heart.” He smiled when the men around him laughed. “A well-placed cut on the arm or leg will put your opponent out just as easily. Sometimes they are even more devastating because they are so quick and clean he will not even realize he’s been sliced. When the pain strikes it will take him off guard for a moment.”
“I understand,” she said. “An arm or a leg.”
“Yes, but not the captain’s,” Harry called.
“Don’t worry,” Alexis said, grinning. “I’m not after him.”
Cloud and she began again. This time they remained in combat longer than before. He talked as they fought, pointing out her mistakes as they happened rather than halting at her every error.
“You move too often to the same side, Danty. Keep me off guard. Don’t let me anticipate your next move. Get your arm up higher—use it for balance. That’s good. Relax. Don’t hold yourself so stiffly. Like that. Right. Watch me, Danty. Try to anticipate me. What am I going to do?” He knocked the sword out of her hand. It clattered to the deck. She bent to pick it up, wiping the sweat from her brow with the sleeve of her shirt. “Let’s rest,” he said.
Alexis agreed and sat beside Tom while Cloud leaned back against the mast. “It’s hard,” she said breathlessly.
In a low voice Tom replied, “You’ll be happy to know he isn’t going easy on you, Alex. He’s done a couple of things with you he wouldn’t use on a beginner and you handled yourself pretty well.”
Alexis smiled, thanking him for his encouragement. She drew her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs, trying to catch her breath.
Cloud watched her uneasily. She was obviously tired and probably a lot more than she was even letting on. She had worked hard yesterday and today and he was certain she still experienced pain in her back. Perspiration was clinging to her forehead; the tiny beads glistened in the sun’s waning light. He saw her wipe her forehead again on the knee of her trousers. If she was exhausted she would get careless, and although he had no intention of getting close to her it still could be dangerous. He wished the others were not watching. She would probably feel obliged to go on even though she might realize she shouldn’t.
Alexis looked over at Cloud and signaled her readiness to continue. The brief rest made her feel better though there were occasional shooting pains along her back. She dismissed them and concentrated on the correct grip of her sword instead. He hesitated when she stood up and returned to the center of the circle. “I think just one more lesson tonight, Captain,” she said, letting him know she was aware of her limits.
Cloud joined her, checking her grip. Finding it satisfactory he commenced the lesson, holding back until he could adequately determine her strength. She sensed his reluctance and planned her attack accordingly, thrusting and lunging at his slightest hesitation.
“Good, Danty,” he praised her strategy. “But a worthy opponent will recognize his own weakness and respond quickly.” He sent her on the defensive in short notice.
They went on for several more minutes, Cloud alternately criticizing then praising her every move. “That was a good step, Danty, but get that other hand up. Try placing more weight on your right foot. You’re still moving that way too often.”
Alexis’s smile at his approval and seriousness vanished completely as a grabbing, twisting pain took hold of her back. Her weapon fell to the deck and her eyes filled with agony at the sharp, burning sensations controlling her body. She was powerless to stop her body’s instinctive convulsing just as Cloud, although immediately aware something was terribly wrong with her, was impotent to stop the sweeping motion of his sword. Alexis felt nothing as the point of his sword sliced through her shirt at the shoulder; she only knew it had made contact with her skin because his face immediately went pale and he dropped the sword from his hand. The pain in her back was momentarily forgotten as a fresh network of torture spread up from her shoulder. She felt something wet and warm trickling toward her breast and she glanced to her side and watched the path of blood with detached interest. She looked up at Cloud who was standing not more than a foot from her and smiled bravely. “I have had enough for one lesson, Captain.” She dropped all pretense, holding out her arms as the pain defeated her. Then she felt herself falling into a black void.
Cloud caught her in his arms and lifted her. Her head fell back and her long braid whipped against his thigh. He was surrounded by his men but they quickly cleared a path to let him take Alexis to her cabin. Landis followed while the others remained behind in silent misery over what had just taken place.
Cloud placed her gently on the bunk while Landis went to the orlop to get bandages and medicine. While he was gone Alexis woke. She tried to sit up but Cloud pushed her back against the sheets.
“Lie still,” he ordered.
“It’s only a scratch, Cloud,” she protested weakly. “It was stupid to faint.”
“Let me see it.” He unbuttoned a portion of her shirt and slipped it over her
shoulder. The thin red line extending for almost five inches directly beneath her clavicle had stopped bleeding heavily since she had lain down. Landis returned with the bandages and Cloud washed the cut and inspected the severity of the wound. “It’s a little bit more than a scratch, Alex, but I think it is safe to say you’ll recover to have another lesson soon.”
“Good,” she murmured. She bit her lip as he washed out her cut with alcohol.
“You can cry out or faint if you want, Alex.”
“No, Landis is here,” she replied in a voice so low he had to bend close to her mouth to hear it. “He thinks I’m very brave.”
Cloud placed a finger on her lips, stilling their trembling. His hands were trembling as well. As he looked at the gentle curve of her naked shoulder and then the harsh, ugly scratch across it, he knew it was not one or the other causing his fingers to shake, but both, because they were part of this woman lying quietly beside him. He looked away and motioned Landis to go. “Tell the men she will be all right. She needs a rest more than anything.” When Landis had gone he turned back to Alexis. “You don’t have to be brave for my sake,” he told her. “I already know—” He stopped, seeing that it was useless to continue. She had passed out again.
Cloud removed her shirt completely and wrapped her shoulder with clean strips of cloth. He got her another shirt from his room and put it on her. She woke briefly while he was fastening the button at her throat. Her eyes had the smile her lips could not manage.
“I think I just need to sleep, Cloud.” She placed her hands over his and held them. “It was not your fault.” He said nothing, but she saw the disagreement in his eyes and felt the tensing in his fingers. She wanted to ask him to stay with her so she could continue to assure him each time she woke. She wanted to thank him for teaching her, for taking her seriously, for understanding her purpose. Her eyes closed, and her last thought before she fell asleep was that she would go to him later and tell him that she wanted him, now more than ever.
Cloud waited until he was sure she was in a deep sleep before he left her. As soon as he opened the door to his cabin he knew what he was going to do. He was already quite drunk when Landis joined him. He poured a glass for his friend and took another for himself.
“Dammit, John,” he said, more to himself than to the man sitting across the table. “I should have known better than to let her have the weapon.”
“That’s what she wanted, wasn’t it?”
“Of course that’s what she wanted. I wanted it for her too.”
Landis took a quick sip of his drink to hide his smile. “Why?” he asked.
Cloud shook his head slowly, thinking about it before he answered. “I can’t let her go, John,” he replied softly. “But I still want her to try. And if she is successful I want her to be prepared for Travers. I guess you already knew that, didn’t you?”
“I knew. I had to find out if you knew it too. Why are you drunk, Tanner? Who are you feeling sorry for?”
“Alex,” he replied without thinking.
“It’s a good thing she can’t hear you. She doesn’t want your pity. She would despise you for it.”
“Myself then.” He finished off his drink in one long pull.
“She would despise you for that too,” Landis said, placing his hand over Cloud’s glass and preventing him from pouring another.
“Christ, John! What do you want me to say? I knew she was getting tired. She hasn’t had enough rest since she first came on board. Her back isn’t even healed for God’s sake. Are you forgetting I know what kind of pain she’s in?” He said the last through clenched teeth. The memory of the leather hitting his back returned. He could hear every crack of the whip and the sound of tearing flesh. He removed Landis’s hand from his glass and emptied the bottle into it. His voice was low and controlled when he spoke again. “It could have waited. I wanted to teach her, but it could have waited until she was stronger.”
“I suppose. But she thought she was ready or she would not have asked.”
“She was wrong.”
“Yes, she was. It was her mistake. Why are you taking the responsibility?”
“I almost killed her.”
“But you didn’t. And she doesn’t blame you for anything that happened, does she?”
“No.” Cloud stared into his glass, his fingers gripping it tightly, causing the tips to turn white.
“Get some sleep, Tanner. It’s after midnight and she’ll probably rest until morning. You’d better hope she does. She will not want to see you the way you are now.” Landis got up and left quietly. He whistled softly to himself on his way to his own quarters.
Cloud took the advice of his friend. He fell into his bed, fully clothed, and shut his eyes. His head throbbed and the cabin tipped dangerously. In spite of that he fell asleep, dreaming of Alexis.
He saw her approach his bunk hesitantly, dressed only in the white linen shirt he had given her. He could just make out the bandage beneath the material and he winced at the sight of it. His eyes traveled downward to other, more pleasant sights. Her breasts rose and fell gently in time with her breathing, their soft swell noticeable because the collar of her shirt was opened wide. Her hands were all but invisible, the only evidence of their existence being the slender fingertips peeking out from under the long sleeves as she walked. Her legs and feet were bare and his eyes swept down them in a single continuous motion. She stood beside his bed and placed his hand on her thigh and held it there for a moment before she let it drop, allowing it to graze her leg as his eyes just had. She leaned her head toward his face as she sat beside him and whispered something so lightly he could feel the words more than hear them. Her breath caressed his cheek. He wanted to hold her, molding her form to the curves and hollows of his own, but his arms felt as if they had been anchored to the bottom of the ocean floor. The blood in his head was pounding and he fought for breath even as he fought for control over what was happening. The alcohol was still in command and he saw horror and disgust wash over her face. He could not stop her when she pushed him away and fled the cabin. He returned to oblivion.
Cloud woke a few hours later, before the first signs of the morning sun had reached his cabin. Holding his head in his hands, he rose and cursed himself for his stupidity. He washed, shaved, and changed his clothes, not recalling the dream until he put on his shirt. He buttoned it slowly, each movement bringing him closer to the truth. It had not been a dream, or even a nightmare, as he would have labeled it now if he did not know better. His hand flew to his head, his fingers coursed through his hair in a sullen, bitter motion. He paced the cabin for several minutes, stopping suddenly when he knew what he had to do. He left his quarters, slamming the door violently behind him.
Once he entered Alexis’s cabin he was calm, no hint that inside he was burning from anger directed solely at himself. Leaning against the door, he extended his legs in front of him, supporting his weight with his back pressed solidly against the wood. His thumbs hung in his pockets and his fingers rested on his hips. He remained still, content to observe Alexis in the last stages of sleep.
Her face rested in the crook of her elbow, the other arm hidden somewhere beneath the blanket. As before she had kicked away the part of the blanket covering her legs, and the smooth flesh of her calves appeared even softer in contrast to the rough woolen blanket lying beside it. When she stirred Cloud walked toward the bunk, pulling a chair with him. He placed it within an arm’s length of her bunk and sat down, waiting for her to wake.
“It wasn’t a dream, was it?” he asked when her eyelids opened and amber eyes met his own.
“No,” she answered as she sat up, pulling the blanket around her as if the gray wool had the same qualities as tempered steel. “Why are you here?”
Cloud smiled, tiny lines forming at the corners of his mouth.
“To do what I was in no condition to last night. To do what you wanted me to, and what I wanted to, and could not.”
“You were drunk,”
she said flatly revealing none of the disappointment that she’d felt earlier. “Why?”
“I blamed myself for what happened. I know you said it was not my fault and I realize that now. I realized it last night after too many drinks.”
“I took on too much, too soon. I came to your room last night to make certain you knew that and”—her voice dropped but her eyes did not waver—“…and to tell you I wanted you.”
“And has that changed?” His voice was just above a whisper.
“Not if you understand what you’ve just said—and what it means about me.” She dropped her protective armor, ready to welcome him into her arms as he murmured his comprehension, but she pulled back sharply in the next moment when she heard his words.
“Let me make love to you, Alex.”
A frustrated cry escaped her throat and muffled itself in the blanket as she covered her mouth with it. Cloud snatched the gray wool away from her.
“What’s wrong with you?” he demanded, searching her face for some answer.
“Don’t call what we are going to do making love,” she said, her eyes narrowing. “I don’t want to be made love to. I don’t want to be loved. I don’t love you.”
Cloud stood over her and placed one hand firmly at her throat, his thumb extended vertically, supporting her chin and forcing her head upward. “But I do love you, Alex. You can’t change that.” He pulled his hand away when she laughed at him. The vibration of her scornful chuckle as it rose from her throat seemed to burn his hand even before it could be heard by his ears.
“Have you forgotten I made two vows, Cloud? I haven’t. Neither of them were made lightly. I will never love you. I don’t want you to love me. What you call love is suffocating, binding, restrictive. Your love is holding me prisoner more securely than any chains. If you really knew what it was like to be kept from something you had to do, you would recognize your love for what it is. You would know why I am going to punish you. Here. In my bed. Your love is like a yoke around my neck so use me in the manner of an animal. That’s what I want. Use me. Take me. But don’t call it love.”
