Levinia lifted her head, feeling a little woozy as the blood rushed back to her brain all at once after hanging upside down for so long. “What do you mean?”
“You don’t think I’ve wondered what life would be like out there—in the world? I’ve flipped through a few of those books myself, and though I found nothing wrong with the content, the Elders and Daed would see it differently.”
He could see he had Levinia’s full attention, and momentarily wondered if he should continue to talk about such a risky subject.
“I’ve got an obligation to this familye as the eldest son, and that’s a big responsibility. You and Bethany have the advantage of leaving the community and searching out another life—away from here, if you should choose to do so.”
Levinia’s eyes widened with every word her brother spoke. “You’ve thought of leaving too?”
“Jah, I have.”
There. He’d said it. Now what?
“Let me backtrack a minute for you. Back to before—before mamm left us. Life was gut then. Daed was happy and life on this farm was something special. With mamm gone, each year became more and more difficult. Suddenly you were raising Bethany, and I was doing the work of two menner. Daed shut down and barely functioned for some years. We were only kinner at the time and didn’t understand, but that kind of life makes a child grow up fast—too fast.”
Levinia reflected on his statement, knowing that what he said was painfully true.
“There is a whole world out there to explore, and if all you ever do is experience it through your books, then that is better than the stifling existence we’ve come to accept here in this community. You can’t be Bethany’s mamm forever. Soon, very soon, you will meet a mann who will love you and want to raise a familye with you. That is the familye you should raise.”
Levinia didn’t believe a word he was saying. She knew how plain she was. All of her friends had begun courting over a year ago, and some were already married, but she hadn’t been asked on one date yet.
“Ach, I’ll probably end up a spinster.”
“If you do it will be the fault of our daed who has put the burden of his responsibilities on us. I’d like to marry someday too, but I doubt it will happen for me. You and Bethany have a chance to marry if I am the one who stays to take care of Daed. If Daed would have accepted help from the community as he should have, or even remarried for our sake, then you would have had a real childhood and so would I have. We would have had normal chores of a farm, and been able to enjoy our growing years instead of having the responsibility of taking on the role of parent to our daed and a boppli at such an early age.”
“But even I know how much Daed missed mamm. He still does. I hear him talking to her at night when he’s praying just before he goes to sleep.”
“Jah, and I feel bad about that, but as painful as it was for him to accept, he should have been the parent instead of allowing you and me to step into that role.”
Levinia tipped her head back again, hoping the distraction of the clouds would put an end to the very serious conversation she and Daniel were having, but it didn’t work. “Perhaps if I am the one to stay, then you can marry and have a familye. Daed built the loft for you to live in when you find a fraa.”
Daniel scoffed. “Daed forgot one important thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Time.”
Levinia scrunched up her face. “Time for what?”
Daniel furrowed his brow. “Exactly mei point. There is never enough time to live our lives. No time at the end of the day to meet someone, much less to find the time to court.”
“We mingle with enough of the youth at work bees and whatnot, but you’re right. We haven’t been to one Singing despite the many invitations from our friends. Why do we always make excuses instead of just attending one?”
Daniel wiped his dampened brow with the back of his shirtsleeve. The back of his neck was red from the sun, and Levinia knew he was in need of a cool drink soon before he collapsed from the heat. She didn’t want to go inside just yet. The clothes on the line still had at least another half an hour before they would dry in the humid, summer heat. She had come to realize Daniel was right about the lack of joy in their everyday lives.
Right at this moment, all she wanted to do was to get lost in the formations of the clouds. She hung upside down again, her grip on the edge of the fence slipping. “Help!”
Daniel stepped toward her, hoping he could catch Levinia and prevent her from toppling to the ground below, but instead, he tripped and fell against the taught, barbed wire fence, his wrist catching a barb. His flesh tore open as he slid to the ground, the pain unbearable. He let out a series of rumbling groans as he struggled to clasp shut the gash he just couldn’t see around the uncontrolled flow of blood at his wrist.
Levinia fell backward off the fence rail and landed on her shoulder, hearing a crack accompanied by instant pain when she hit the hard-packed ground below. She rolled to her other side, struggling to regain her footing. Her hand went up to her obviously broken collar bone, her knees felt weak and her stomach heaved from the pain. She could hear Daniel groaning, but momentary disorientation kept her from him.
Levinia finally turned toward Daniel.
Panic filled her at the expanse of blood covering her bruder and the soil around him.
Tucking her arm to her side against the pain in her collarbone, Levinia bolted toward Daniel and fell to her knees beside him.
“What do I do?”
Daniel shook and shivered. “You need—to—tie it off—to stop—the bleeding.”
Tears filled Levinia’s eyes and she shook so violently with fear that she struggled to tear off her apron, the pain of her broken bone making it a struggle. Ripping the hem brought unbearable pain, but she needed to strip the cloth enough to tie off Daniel’s bloody wound. With shaky hands, she ignored her own pain and wrapped the heavy linen strip around his wrist three times, knotting the ends over the strip that was already saturated with blood.
“It’s not helping,” she cried.
Daniel was weak, his eyes turning a hazy grey.
“Go—to the barn—call an—ambulance.”
She pushed herself up with one arm and staggered to the barn, her chest heaving with fear.
At her father’s work table she picked up the receiver and hit 9-1-1.
“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”
Levinia relayed Daniel’s condition and her address all in one sentence, tossing the phone down on the tool bench without bothering to hang up. She stumbled back to the yard where she’d left Daniel, his lifeless form bringing terror to her every step. By the time she reached him, she was numb.
She dropped back to her knees beside him and began tearing another couple of strips of cloth from her apron, tying each piece in vain. Before she could even tie the ends, the blood soaked through the material. She tied another strip above the wound, hoping that would keep the blood from draining too quickly. He might lose his arm from the break in circulation, but at least it would spare his life—wouldn’t it?
Daniel looked up at her with an unexplained urgency. “Promise me—that...”
Levinia shook her head madly. “Don’t try to talk. Save your energy. I can hear the sirens. They’ll be here in just another minute.”
Daniel coughed and shook, his ashen features sinking. “Promise me—you’ll marry—and have your—own familye.”
Tears poured down her cheeks at his words. She didn’t want to promise such a thing. She knew what a promise like that meant and she was not ready to give up on her brother’s life. The ambulance barreled down the dirt drive toward them.
She could see it.
Her brother would be safe. He was going to be just fine—wasn’t he? She looked down at Daniel, his lashes fluttered against a set of eyes that had turned dark. Eyes she no longer recognized. Eyes with barely any life left in them.
She choked back a heavy sob threatening to force its way out.
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“Promise—me,” he said with a weak urgency.
She reluctantly made the promise, but it was too late.
He was already gone.
The memory of the sirens screaming in the driveway tormented her. If only she’d gotten him that cold drink instead of hanging upside-down over the fence rail. The ambulance had come, but they were too late.
None of it mattered now. She was alive and he was—dead and gone.
Her hand resting against Nate’s warm flesh made her replay the promise she’d made to Daniel. She’d promised to marry and have a familye of her own.
Was that possible with Nate?
Could she allow Nate to court her knowing it could end in marriage?
Bethany had given her blessing, but what would her daed do if she tried to leave his haus to cling to Nate? Would he ever give his approval, or would she forever be scorned in his eyes, unworthy of any happiness?
Nate stirred, looking up at her with soft, loving eyes. He pulled her into the crook of his arm, holding her tightly against him. Suddenly, her daed’s approval no longer mattered, and neither did his harsh words.
CHAPTER 10
Nate reached up and tenderly brushed away a tear from Levinia’s cheek—a tear she didn’t know was there.
“What has you so upset? Did it go that badly with your schweschder?”
Levinia paused to reflect on the very mature conversation she’d had with Bethany. “Nee, it went as opposite as it could have. We settled a lot with that argument. Funny, but we’d never argued before—ever.”
“Then what is troubling you so much it’s caused you to cry?”
Levinia couldn’t look at him.
“I was thinking of mei bruder—mei twin.”
Nate nodded knowingly. “Ach, Daniel. I heard of his death from mei cousin. The three of us hung around together the summer I stayed to help with the replanting. That’s how I knew of you.”
He picked up her hand and held it to his warm cheek. “I remembered thinking that entire summer that you worked way too hard for a girl your age. You worked alongside the women in the community and never once participated in any of the youth activities. I so wanted you to come out with us just once to a Singing or a bonfire outing, and I even looked for you, but you never showed up. Daniel knew that I liked you then, but he told me you would never give me a second look because you were too serious about your responsibilities. He was right.”
Levinia’s heart caught in her throat, keeping her from responding. Nate liked her back then? How had she missed that? Daniel had been right about one point he’d made the day of his death; she had become her mamm from the time she was just a girl herself.
She sat up and looked him in the eye. “We were fifteen then, why didn’t you say something to me?”
He looked into her questioning eyes, her voice choked with emotion.
“I was awkward at that age. It was easier for me to admire you from afar, than to be rejected up close and personal.”
Levinia felt sorry about Nate’s youthful angst.
“I suppose I most likely would have rejected you then. I was too serious at that age. I felt I had to keep up with the other women in the community as Bethany’s “mamm” in order for them to take me seriously. I hope you understand.”
Nate used her hand to pull her back toward him.
“As long as you don’t reject me now, I’ll recover.”
She wouldn’t dream of rejecting him. He was going to be easy to love. She already did love him. It amazed her how much change her heart had gone through in just a few short hours. Her sister had finally decided to grow up and release her from the responsibility of raising her, and Levinia had finally released the burden of guilt she’d been carrying around for the past two years over Daniel’s death.
Most importantly were the feelings she’d developed for Nate in such a short time, and the impact those changes in circumstances would bring to her life. She was about to begin living her life, and she’d never felt more free in her spirit.
Levinia looked into Nate’s tender, brown eyes. There was love for her in those eyes, and she felt it like the warmth of a sunny day. How did she get to be so lucky?
Then it hit her.
“I’m curious about something…”
He went to kiss her, but she stiffened.
“What is it?”
“Why are you wearing Englischer’s clothing and why did you let me think you were an Englischer?”
“I suppose I was trying it out—in case I decided to leave my community for good. I didn’t intend to stay here and I certainly didn’t intend on falling in love with you all over again.”
“All over again?”
Nate winked at her. “I had it bad for you that summer. I didn’t want to leave here without telling you, but Adam talked me out of it.”
Levinia looked at him lovingly. “I wish you would have told me.”
He smiled, his dimples inviting her to kiss him.
“I wish I would have told you, too. But at least you know now.”
“Since you didn’t intend on staying here, I can have Bethany go over and let Adam know you are here so he can arrange to take you to his farm to care for you.”
He pulled her closer. “Now wait a minute. Don’t I have a say in this? I’d much rather you take care of me than Adam.”
Levinia enjoyed hearing that Nate needed her, and even wanted her to care for him. She liked this vulnerable and needy side to him, and she would be more than happy to pamper him while he stayed.
“I’d like that too. But for now, you need your rest.”
Levinia went to get up, but Nate held her playfully.
“Please don’t leave yet. Part of the enjoyment of having you take care of me is so I can spend more time with you.”
There was longing in his eyes, a longing Levinia was powerless to resist.
“I suppose since we are courting now, I can stay for a while.”
She propped his pillows behind his head so he could comfortably lean against them in a semi-sitting position. He held out his arm for her to cuddle him.
“I don’t want to hurt you if I lean against your ribs.”
He smiled. “Ach, I’m tough. Besides, I had some ibuprofen in my bag and I took a few when you went after Bethany, so it’s started working on the pain. I don’t think I cracked any of the ribs. I think they’re just bruised.”
Levinia sat down gingerly beside him for two reasons; she didn’t want to injure him, and she was still a little in shock that this mann was hers. She giggled inwardly as she cuddled up in the crook of his waiting arm. Each breath she took matched his, as did the giddiness of her heartbeat. If this was a dream, she didn’t ever want to wake up. As far as she was concerned, his strong arms and protective love would be all she would need for the rest of her days on this earth. Safety engulfed her in those arms. She thought for sure and for certain she could almost live in those arms.
“Tell me, my sweetheart; have you ever thought of leaving the community?”
Her gaze followed the trail of his body until it rested on his eyes. She couldn’t tell him how many times she’d thought of leaving, or how many times she’d set out to leave. Even if she hadn’t gotten further than packing her suitcase, she didn’t want him to know why.
The reasons only brought shame to her heart, shame for resenting her mamm for going to Heaven and leaving her to raise Bethany and care for her father. If Nate discovered the grudge she’d harbored in her heart all these years, he might find her thoughts to be wicked, and she didn’t want to say or do anything that would cause him to change his mind about courting her. She’d only just found him, and had just found out he’d cared for her so much in their youth that his feelings easily renewed.
Certainly thoughts such as those were best carried with a person to their grave.
“Doesn’t every youth in the communities think of leaving at some point?”
It was all she could say at the moment. She�
�d since-then changed her mind and had even released her mamm from the wrongful grudge she’d had against her, so it was probably for the best if she didn’t start off her relationship with Nate on a sour note. Her heart was no longer hardened; he’d even changed her in the short time he’d reentered her life. She wanted to be the sort of woman he could be proud to have at his side for the rest of his life, and if that meant she had to rid herself of all that was not holy, she would ask Gott to renew her no matter how painful it might be.
“Jah, I suppose they do, but I figured you would probably want to leave a little more than most since you had to be a mamm to Bethany, and a servant to your daed.”
Levinia lowered her gaze, shame overtaking her. Nate lifted her chin to force her gaze back on him.
“There is no shame in not wanting to be in a role you aren’t supposed to be in. I was in a similar spot myself until a few weeks ago when mei younger schweschder married. Mei mamm and daed were killed in a buggy accident just over eight years ago, and I was left to finish raising Amanda on my own. I farmed mei daed’s land and took care of her. She’s eighteen now and just married, so I was suddenly all alone in that haus. I’m twenty-six years old and don’t know what to do with myself. I left a few days ago because I wondered what would become of me at my age.”
Levinia had wondered the same thing of herself. She had no idea he’d suffered the same fate she had. She was only three years younger than Nate, but too old not to be considered a spinster by the community.
“I felt resentment, when after a series of miscarriages, mei mamm finally had Amanda. She was her entire world because she was so happy to have a second boppli, and a girl, no-less. I was already eight years old, and didn’t want more kinner to have to share mei parents with. But that first time she held my hand and said my name, asking if I’d help her milk our cow, I was happy to be her big bruder.”
So far, Levinia could relate to everything he was saying. Should she tell him so?
“But then right after the accident, the resentment came back, but this time it brought with it a deep bitterness and anger disguised as mourning for mei parent’s death. I told myself I would get over it, but the feelings of resentment only deepened, and that terrified me because I loved Amanda very much and didn’t want to dislike her. Truth is, I just wanted our old life back, when both my parents were with us and I thought life couldn’t get any better. But as time wore on, it all went away, and I accepted my role as caretaker for Amanda, but that didn’t mean I didn’t still feel cheated out of the life mei friends seemed to be enjoying.”
Amish Brides of Willow Creek 1-4 Omnibus Page 5
