CHAPTER 5
Miriam stood in the bathroom of her hospital room staring blankly at her reflection in the mirror. Her eye was blackened, bits of green filling in the curve just under her lashes. Her eye itself was bloodshot, and her vision was a little blurry. Would she lose her eyesight? The doctor hadn’t said anything to her about it, but he also hadn’t told her how bad she looked either.
Though she wanted to see just how bad the cut on her face was, she reasoned with herself that what she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her. Once she saw what was under the bandage, there would be no way to take back what she’d seen.
She was already a little freaked out over what she could see. It was the part hidden under the bandage that terrified her the most. Her cheek was physically painful, and she figured that was not a good sign.
She continued to stare at the unrecognizable reflection staring back at her. She was never going to be the same in any way—no matter what lay beneath the bandage. Even if she didn’t have the cut on her face, she feared what having a baby was going to do to her figure. She’d seen what it had done to several of the girls her age. She wasn’t ready for her entire life to change.
Gott, I don’t know if I’m ready for this, but I pray that you will give me the strength to get through it. Take away the selfishness and anger I feel right now. Help me to make the right decision for the baby that I’m carrying. And please put forgiveness in the hearts of those I’ve hurt with my carelessness.
Miriam winced as she lifted trembling fingers to the edge of the bandage that covered most of the right side of her face. She slowly folded down the edge, hoping to see something, but all she saw was more discoloration and bruising. She wiggled her face a little feeling the tug of the stitches that limited movement of the skin. It felt tight and stiff—almost unnatural.
What had they done to her face?
Closing her eyes, she tugged lightly at the bandage, pulling down toward her chin until she’d removed the entire piece of gauze. She was terrified to open her eyes—terrified to the point it was making her nauseous.
But she had to see—had to know.
No matter how terrible it was, she had to see what had happened to her in that accident. Slowly lifting her gaze, she blurred her vision and looked only in her eyes. She allowed her gaze to drift down her face, not comprehending what she saw.
She pulled a trembling hand to her mouth, shock rendering her speechless.
It was far worse than she’d thought.
She stifled a strangled cry, swallowing hard the reality of her reflection.
I’m hideous!
Thick black stitches pulled the sides of her cheek together, holding her skin so taught it caused her pain.
“Why did they have to use stitches that were so noticeable?” she sobbed.
She could see little holes along the cut where the thick stitching laced her face back together. Were they permanent? What if makeup wouldn’t cover the scar? Was she doomed to look like this for the rest of her life? She was too young to have her life so ruined. How was she ever going to feel normal again?
She padded her way back to her bed and slumped down against the hard mattress—not caring about the pain it caused her. She hadn’t even bothered to cover her face back up. What was the use in it? She was forever ugly. Might as well get the world used to seeing her now so they could gasp and get it over with.
She was numb with sadness and self-pity.
She was alone and pregnant—and ugly.
A knock to her door startled her. She was not in the mood for another visit from Claudia at the moment.
“Go away,” she said sniffling.
“I came to see how you were doing,” a male voice said.
Miriam turned halfway around to see who it was.
It was Adam.
He was the last person she wanted to see right now.
This was all his fault.
Miriam whipped her aching head around and pointed to her stitched-up face. “You want to see how I’m doing? This is how I’m doing! I’m scarred for life thanks to you!”
Tears ran down her face, and she winced as they stung her wound. “If you had been paying more attention to the road than to me, then that car wouldn’t have hit us.”
“I’m sorry. I was only trying to talk to you. I only—”
“I didn’t want you to talk to me! I wanted you to leave me alone,” she screamed at him.
“I was only trying to help you. I felt bad that you were being run out of the community. I wanted to help you find a way to stay because—”
“Because what?” she interrupted. “Because you thought I was pretty?”
“Well—jah,” Adam admitted.
She turned her face more toward him. “I’m not so pretty now, am I?”
“That cut doesn’t change how beautiful you are.”
“Are you kidding me?” she sobbed. “It changes everything!”
“It doesn’t change anything in my eyes. But that wasn’t the only reason I was hoping you would stay. I believe that everyone deserves a second chance.”
“A second chance for what? I lied to trick your cousin into marrying me.”
“I think I know why you did it,” he said cautiously.
She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes. “And why is that?”
“Because you’re pregnant. If you marry an Amish mann you can remain in the community. But if you marry the Englischer, Ray, who is probably the daed, then you would fall under the ban.”
“It doesn’t matter now,” she sobbed. “I’ve already lost my family.”
“You don’t have to,” Adam offered gingerly.
“When my brother comes to take me back home, he will find out then, and he will return to our community without me.”
“What if you stay here instead?”
Miriam flashed him a confused look. “I can’t. The Bishop has banned me from this community. It’s only a matter of time before my own community is sent word of my actions.”
“You can stay here if you are married.”
“Nate married Levinia—or did you forget?”
“I will marry you,” Adam said.
“Why would you marry me when your cousin refused?”
He hung his head. “I suppose I feel I owe you—because of the accident.”
Miriam considered his words carefully. She was facing being homeless and pregnant and scarred for life with no possibility of ever marrying. She was desperate. Marrying Adam might just work. She didn’t love him, but he didn’t love her either. He was attractive, and a hard worker. There was real possibility there.
Could she go through with such a plan?
She’d been prepared to make the same mistake only two days ago, but she’d done that without even thinking. Now that she’d had time to think about it, she wasn’t so certain it was the right thing to do. But the problem still remained of her pregnancy. If she married, she could keep her child and her family.
It saddened her to realize that this was what her life had become, but she felt she had no other choice.
Miriam looked up at Adam, tears pooling in her eyes. “Alright, I’ll marry you!”
CHAPTER 6
“You must keep this bandage on your wound,” the nurse reprimanded Miriam. “If it gets infected, it is more likely to scar.”
“What does it matter?” Miriam mumbled. “It’s going to be a terrible scar no matter what.”
“Infection won’t be good for the baby, and neither will the medicine we will have to give you. All that will be harsh on the baby’s system. So let’s keep this covered up so we can avoid all of that.”
Her nurse was a little short with her, but Miriam knew she was only trying to protect her and the baby. It was hard to think about that right now though. With the decision of marrying Adam weighing on her, she had little room to think of anything else at the moment.
Another knock sounded at the door.
Do people not understand I want to be lef
t alone?
“Good afternoon,” came Claudia’s cheery voice. “How are you feeling today?”
Miriam looked over at her and grunted her answer.
“That good, huh?”
Miriam couldn’t even force a smile, knowing the movement of her face would cause her pain.
“I saw you had company a little bit ago and thought I’d go down to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee until the young man left. But I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but I kind of did out of concern for you and the baby.”
“Well then you already know that I agreed to marry Adam so I could stay in the Amish community.”
“I wish I could say I understood what being part of an Amish community means to you, but I don’t,” Claudia admitted. “But you don’t have to make that decision right away.”
Miriam shrugged. “I should make it soon because I will begin to show in my pregnancy soon. My brother will be here in a few days and he will know. He will enforce the marriage in my father’s absence or he will shun me.”
Miriam began to cry all over again.
Claudia patted her gently, offering her a tissue from her purse. “I wanted to offer you another alternative to marrying Adam.”
Miriam’s ears perked up. She would listen, but she was pretty well determined to marry Adam. Even though she was torn between being Amish and Englisch, she feared losing the only family she’d ever known. Just because her birth mother was Englisch, did not mean she knew what it was like to be Englisch. All she knew was being Amish.
“I’d like to offer you a place to stay while you recover,” Claudia began. “I have a guest room that has never been used, and I think you could be very comfortable there for however long you want to stay. I also have a gift shop in town, and I could use some help there once you are back on your feet in a week or so. I can give you a place to stay and a job for as long as you want them.”
“What about Adam?” Miriam asked. “He will want to court me until we are married. Won’t it be uncomfortable for you to see us together? I will want to court him even while I’m deciding for sure and for certain.”
Claudia shook her head. “It won’t be a problem for Adam to come calling for you. I will do everything I can to make him feel welcome.”
Miriam looked at Claudia wondering if there was a catch to her offer, but she hadn’t mentioned any house-rules for her. Perhaps she should ask if she expected anything of her while she was a guest in her home.
“Do you have any rules I should know about so I don’t accidentally break any while I’m there?”
Claudia smiled. “You are a grown woman who is about to be a mother. I don’t think it’s necessary to put any strict rules on you. As long as we respect each other’s space, I think we will get along just fine.”
“I’m used to rules,” Miriam said. “The Ordnung is nothing but rules.” She patted her belly. “Obviously I broke a few of them.”
“I’m not here to judge you. I just want to help you and my grandchild to have the best possible outcome.”
There it was—the catch. She had a vested interest in Miriam because of the child she carried. She prayed she wasn’t making a big mistake by agreeing to stay with Claudia. But just like with Adam; right now, she had no other choice.
CHAPTER 7
“Why are you marrying that woman?” Libby asked. “She has done nothing but cause trouble for everyone here.”
Adam followed his sister into the chicken coop. He knew what Libby said was right, but he felt obligated to take care of Miriam anyway. His carelessness could have caused the loss of her baby. As it were, the woman would have to live with a scar on her face for the rest of her life. Would she resent him for that? She would see it every day. Would she ever be able to forgive him? Perhaps not, but marrying her might make a difference.
“I owe her for what I did to her.”
Libby shook her head with frustration. “It was an accident. You don’t owe her anything. She owes Bethany a lot of money though. She is a thief and a liar, and she’s hurt your cousin and his new fraa. What does Nate even have to say about your decision?”
Adam lowered his head. “I haven’t had the nerve to tell him yet.”
“Ach, that right there should tell you that you shouldn’t marry her. Let her marry the boppli’s daed.”
“I’m marrying her so she can stay in the community.”
Libby adjusted the egg basket in her hand, reaching under another hen and feeling for an egg. “That is the wrong reason to marry someone. Don’t you want to marry someone you love?”
“I could learn to love her,” he said in his defense. “And she could learn to love me. We could have a gut marriage if we try.”
“She’s a selfish woman, bruder, don’t kid yourself about that. She eagerly agreed to let you marry her for that very reason. She was only thinking of herself. She is what the Englisch call an opportunist.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“It means she saw an opportunity in you, and she took it. But you handed it right over to her.”
Adam felt under one of the hens and pulled out an egg, dropping it in Libby’s basket. “She’s not as bad as you think she is.”
Libby narrowed her gaze on Adam. “Perhaps you should look beyond her pretty face and into her not-so-pretty soul.”
Adam placed another egg into the basket. “That is not for you to judge. I think everyone deserves a second chance.”
“I’m not convinced Miriam deserves anything from anyone, but you are right. That is not for me to judge. If it means that much to you, I will try to give her some consideration—but only because she is to be your fraa soon.”
Libby had made her way to the end of the chicken coop and let herself out the door, Adam on her heels. “When is the wedding? Will it be quick and quiet, or will you be having an open wedding with the community?”
Adam hadn’t thought that far ahead. His main concern was how his daed was going to divide his property so he would have a place to live with Miriam once they were wed. He didn’t put much stock in the wedding itself as he did about supporting her and a boppli so soon. It wouldn’t take but a few days to put up a basic house on the far end of his daed’s acreage, but he also needed help from the very community that had shunned Miriam to get them started with their new life together. He worried the community would not be so willing to shower them with the usual gifts to set up their house, or food to start them off for the winter that was already on its way.
Adam shouldered out into the cold, November wind. Right on cue, as if the first day of November was required to turn to winter, the wind and icy rain assaulted him as he made his way to the barn for the morning milking.
Normally he spent the morning milking in prayer, but today, he had a lot of thinking to do. Perhaps marrying Miriam was going to be tougher than he originally thought. It was too late to take it back now. He’d made a promise to her, and he was a man of his word. He owed her, and if that meant defending her to a community that rejected her, he’d have to do whatever it took to change their minds about her.
His own parents hadn’t been too happy about the idea of him marrying her. He had led them to believe he was the father of the child she carried, which wasn’t easy considering Miriam had only just tried to marry his cousin less than a week ago. He didn’t enjoy deceiving his family this way, but he felt an obligation to Miriam that they just wouldn’t understand.
A cold draft whirling through the barn interrupted Adam’s thoughts. Nate walked up to him and stared at him for a moment.
“I ran into Libby on the way in here. Is it true? You’re to marry Miriam? After what she did to Levinia and Bethany and me?”
Adam crouched down on the milking stool in front of Buttercup and began to milk her. “Don’t make me defend my decision to you. My mind is already made up.”
Nate leaned up against the stall. “I won’t put you on the defensive end of my opinions, but I will te
ll you to be certain you know what you’re up against. She’s a handful, and if you’re not sure about this, she could make your life miserable. If you change your mind, I’m here. If you go through with it, I’m still here for you.”
“I appreciate the show of support. I’m going to need it when the community finds out my plans.”
“Have you thought about what you will do if you don’t get the support of the Bishop and the community?”
Adam didn’t have an answer for his cousin. He had no idea what he would do if pushed by the Bishop to choose between his obligation to Miriam and his commitment to the community. He hadn’t thought that his offer of marriage could get him shunned when he’d made the offer to her. He supposed if it came down to it, Miriam would back out if it meant she would not be able to remain in the community. Wouldn’t she?
CHAPTER 8
Miriam folded her things neatly and tucked them into the broken suitcase that Adam had salvaged from the wreckage after the accident. With trembling hands she tucked away her parting instructions from the hospital.
Her parting instructions.
They had just released her and she still hadn’t decided if she would accept Claudia’s offer to recover at her home. Deep down, she knew she had no other choice. But she wasn’t ready to leave the hospital, even though they’d told her repeatedly how lucky she was, and that there was no medical reason to keep her. If mental anguish counted, they’d keep her here forever. But unfortunately, her state of mind seemed to be the only thing preventing her from accepting the final diagnosis.
She’d tried to insist that more tests be run on her to be certain she hadn’t suffered anything internal they might have missed. After all, being thrown from a buggy could have caused all sorts of damage to her internal organs. No matter how many questions she asked, and how much she pressed the hospital staff, they didn’t agree with her requests for a more in-depth analysis of her complaints.
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