Perhaps she could prepare the morning meal for the household. But Claudia had a modern stove that Miriam had no idea how to operate. Besides, it was still too early. The sun hadn’t even made its appearance on the horizon yet, and no birds chirped in the trees outside her window.
All was asleep, and all was quiet.
She rose from the bed anyway and quickly made it up, pulling the fancy quilt over the ruffled sheets. She liked the modern things, but it wasn’t something she should get used to if she was to be an Amish fraa. Marrying among the Amish meant primitive belongings and hard work from sun-up to sundown, and beyond that if there were kinner in the haus. Would Claudia be willing to relieve some of the burden of raising the boppli from her? She hoped it was so, even though she would be married to Adam.
In the kitchen, she surprisingly found the ingredients she needed to make bread. Locating glass loaf pans that seemed too clean to have ever been used, she set them on the counter with the rest of the stuff she’d gathered from Claudia’s pantry. She went about mixing and stirring, occupying her mind from her troubles.
When Miriam was young, her mamm had taught her that making bread was the best way to solve almost any problem. In the time it took to prepare, most things could be worked out. And the kneading of the dough was not only gut for working out frustrations, it was gut for making the arms strong enough to do other chores.
Miriam had no idea if what her mamm told her was true, but simply being reminded of her soothed her more than she could have thought. Usually, thinking of her mamm had always filled her with bittersweet memories that made her heart ache, but at this moment, for some reason beyond her reasoning, it brought her comfort.
Hearing a faint noise, Miriam looked over her shoulder to find Claudia entering the kitchen. Her fluffy robe was tied in a knot at her waist, and she lifted a hand to rub the sleep from her blue eyes that matched Ray’s.
“I’m sorry if I made too much noise and woke you,” Miriam immediately offered.
Claudia waved a hand at her. “No worries. I have to do inventory at the store today, and I had to be up early.”
Miriam glanced at the clock on the wall and made note that the window above the sink still hadn’t illuminated any hint of the sun.
“Surely not this early. But if you wouldn’t mind helping me figure out how to turn on your oven, I’d be ever so grateful.”
Claudia chuckled. “By the looks of things, I’d say you had trouble sleeping.”
“Jah—yes.”
Claudia crossed to the stove and pushed a few buttons causing a series of beeps. “It’s on. When you want it off, just push this button.”
“Danki—thank you.”
Miriam didn’t know why she was reverting to speaking as she’d been taught in her growing years, but she supposed it was because of her uncertainty as to where she fit in. She was between worlds, and had no idea which she preferred at the moment.
Claudia moved to the coffee maker and began to make a fresh pot. Miriam was grateful for that. She was in need of a cup to soothe her shakes, and she had no idea how to operate the modern device.
“I remember when I was first pregnant with Ray, and how terrified I was. I didn’t sleep much the entire pregnancy, come to think of it. But trust me when I say, you should get your sleep now, because once that little one is born, you won’t get much sleep for the first few years of its life.”
Miriam gulped down a lump of fear that suddenly entered her throat. “Years?”
Claudia cupped an arm around Miriam’s shoulder and gave her a quick squeeze before returning to the chore of making coffee. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. I didn’t have my mother around to help me, or give me advice about mothering. The trick is to sleep when they sleep. If you don’t, you’ll be exhausted. But I will be there if you need anything, whether it be advice like that, or just to help care for the baby if you get overwhelmed.”
“Even if I don’t marry Ray?” she asked cautiously.
Claudia smiled. “Even if you don’t marry Ray.”
Miriam felt a burden lift from her as she kneaded the bread dough. Her mamm had been right. Making bread can help you work out a multitude of problems.
CHAPTER 19
Miriam pulled the dressing from her cheek and examined it in the bathroom mirror. Surprised at how much it had healed, she felt a little foolish for keeping the bandage on it for so long. The nurse at the hospital had given her instructions before leaving that stated she would only have to wear the bandage for a few days after leaving.
That time had since passed.
She quickly re-dressed the wound and went back to the kitchen, where dishes awaited her attention. She ran her hand along the bandage, wondering if she would ever feel it was ready to remain uncovered.
Part of her had kept it covered from Ray’s view, even though he’d made such a fuss about telling her it didn’t disgust him the way it did her. Mostly, she’d kept it hidden from herself. She didn’t relish the idea of catching a glimpse of her scarred face every time she passed one of the many mirrors in Claudia’s home. The majority of Amish homes didn’t contain even one mirror. She would make certain that there were none in the home she would share with Adam. She didn’t want the constant reminder that she was less than perfect.
Now, the wound was a mere, pink line down her face that she thought could easily be covered with makeup. But she would not be living among the Englisch where such a thing was commonplace, and even acceptable. Among the Amish, worrying about outer beauty was considered a sin of vanity.
Miriam had been guilty of vanity most of her life. From the time she was very young, she knew she didn’t look like any of her cousins, and was said to be much prettier than they were. It was talked about in hushed tones, but she was always aware of the chatter.
The girls in school had mistreated her out of jealousy, and it had turned Miriam bitter toward them, causing her difficulty in making friends. Because of this, she’d turned to seeking the attention from the boys, causing even more strife with her female competitors.
They wouldn’t be jealous of me now, she thought.
In her opinion, being unwed and pregnant with a scar on her face qualified her for a little sympathy. But she wasn’t looking to be pitied; she wanted acceptance. Ray’s cousins and aenti’s had certainly accepted her. She wondered, though, if it had been genuine, or if they had been kind only because she carried Ray’s kinner.
Miriam finished wiping down the kitchen and putting away the rest of the morning meal, including the bread she’d baked, when Ray entered the room. He approached her from behind, catching her off-guard, tucking his face in her neck and slipping his arm over her abdomen.
“How are my two favorite people this morning?”
He made her feel a little awkward, but in a good way. She loved the gentle attention he showered her with, as though she was the most cherished thing in his life.
“You sound like you had a better night’s sleep than I did.”
He kissed her lightly and crossed to the coffee maker to dispense a single cup from the reservoir.
The warmth of his kiss remained on her neck, causing her to miss the contact between them. She knew it was wrong to accept the attention from him since she was promised to marry Adam, but she reasoned with herself it was acceptable since she was carrying Ray’s child. She was so confused about her feelings she didn’t trust herself to make the right decision at all. Most of her time, lately, consisted of arguing with herself as to whether or not she was making the right choice. One minute she would think it was a solid, sane option, and the next, Ray would do something to make her doubt her selection, as he’d just done.
“I did sleep like a bear hibernating in the winter, but probably because of all the hard work I’ve put into our house for the last couple of days.”
Miriam cringed at his comment to include her in the ownership of the house he’d purchased. She wasn’t certain if he was trying to put pressure on her and fill her wit
h guilt about marrying Adam, but he couldn’t possibly add to the amount she’d already piled on herself.
Ray sat at the table and sipped his steaming coffee. Claudia had left more than a half hour before, but the coffee she’d made had remained hot in the automated warmer.
“Would you like something to eat?”
Ray sniffed the air. “Whatever you made smells heavenly, and I’m starving.”
Miriam removed the plate from the refrigerator that she’d just put away for him, and put it in the microwave. She pushed the buttons just like Claudia had taught her only a few short minutes before she’d left for the day, and told her it was “Just in case my son wakes up and wants to sample your wonderful cooking.” She’d winked at her and told her, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
But Miriam wasn’t looking to win Ray’s heart. She already had it, and she was throwing it away like a fool. It was another wrong in her life she would have to learn to accept.
As she placed the food in front of Ray, she took pleasure in watching him as he dipped his face toward the steaming plate and breathed in the aroma with a smile spread wide across his full lips. She could get used to spending her days cooking for him and submitting to him in every way.
He was easy to love, and leaving him was going to be the hardest thing she would ever have to do.
The clip-clop of a horse approaching broke the spell between them, sending Miriam’s thoughts into sudden turmoil.
“I think your boyfriend is here,” Ray muttered under his breath as he glared out the kitchen window.
Miriam didn’t blame him for being upset, but his comment stung.
“He isn’t my boyfriend,” she snapped.
Ray stood up and took his empty plate to the sink, letting it drop haphazardly.
“You’re right. He’s your fiancé—your betrothed, as you would say.”
“Ray, please don’t…”
“Don’t what? You’re carrying my baby, and I love you! Help me to understand why you’re marrying him?”
Miriam stifled a sob that threatened to shake her vocal chords. “I don’t expect you to ever understand, but if you really love me, you’ll accept it.”
“You’re right about one thing. I’ll never understand, but I won’t ever accept it either.” He walked outside and greeted Adam briefly as he shouldered past him to the unattached garage.
Miriam threw her shawl over her shoulders and went out to meet Adam. His timing couldn’t have been worse, but she hoped that perhaps his appearance would help Ray to come to terms with the reality of her impending marriage. Only problem was, she, herself, needed convincing of the reality too.
“Gudemariye, Miriam,” Adam said cheerfully.
It nauseated her to hear that from him. Only a few short moments before, it had been music to her ears to hear Ray’s smooth baritone say the same thing to her—but only in Englisch.
“Good morning, Adam,” she said sternly. “What are you doing here? I wasn’t expecting you until Sunday for the service. My brother, Benjamin will be here tomorrow to tend to my needs, so you shouldn’t have come all this way for nothing.”
“You’re sounding more and more like an Englischer the more I speak to you,” he said impatiently. “As long as you don’t talk that way once we are married, so as not to shame me within the community.”
Miriam placed her hands on her hips defensively. “Shame you? In case you’ve forgotten, I am an Englischer.”
“Jah, but you were raised Amish. And I pray that you will raise our kinner in the Amish ways, and teach them the language of our community.”
Miriam narrowed her eyes at Adam. “First of all, this baby is mine—not ours. And second, I wasn’t planning on having any more children, so you won’t have any children of your own.”
Adam’s expression fell. “Perhaps you misunderstood me when I offered to marry you that I would be raising your boppli as my own.”
“Let’s not forget that you offered to marry me as penance for the accident you caused; I only agreed to marry you as a matter of convenience.”
“Convenience?” he asked.
“Surely you don’t think I could ever love you!”
Adam lowered his head, defeat shadowing his expression. “My offer to you was genuine. I intend to make an effort to love you, and I hoped you would do the same for me. I intended to be a gut husband to you.”
“I don’t need you to love me. All I need is your good name and your Amish heritage. Let’s just leave it at that.”
Adam removed his straw hat, revealing tightly-coiled, flaxen curls. Funny that she’d never really taken the time to look at him or get to know him. He was very handsome, and kind as could be, but would those things be enough to make her forget Ray? Suddenly she noticed the sadness in his blue-green eyes, his height and strength no longer able to carry the weight of the burden she’d put on his broad shoulders.
“I’m determined to make it work, even if you’re not,” he said. “Perhaps you should consider moving into the B&B until we are wed.”
“Why would I do that?” she shrieked. “I’m perfectly happy here.”
“I’m not certain that being around the vadder of your boppli is such a gut idea…”
“Ray is my baby’s father,” she interrupted. “He will always be the baby’s father, and he will always be a part of my child’s life, so you’d better get used to his presence in our lives now.”
Adam cleared his throat nervously. He was no match for Miriam’s fury where the boppli was concerned, and she could see it in his posture. But she couldn’t take back what she’d said to him. It was the truth and it needed to be said now, before it was too late.
“I was hoping that he would only want to see the boppli once for his peace of mind, and then allow you and me to do the raising—in the Amish ways. If that is not how it will be, perhaps I will have to discuss it with Ray instead.”
Miriam pursed her lips. “We have already discussed it, and I told you how it was going to be. Either accept it, or…”
She let her voice trail off. She didn’t want to finish the sentence. Didn’t want to give him and out. She needed him to marry her, but she also felt it was important that Adam understood she couldn’t let Ray go—even if she was married to him.
“I will be here to pick you up on Sunday for the service. The Bishop is still requiring a confession from you that you never gave, and he’s expecting one from me now.”
Miriam pointed to the bandage on her face.
“You mean for this? I should hope so!”
She stormed off, knowing how unfair she was being to him, but she just couldn’t look him in the eye another minute. Her harsh words crushed him, and she worried that he would now back out of their arrangement.
She secretly wondered if she didn’t hope he would.
CHAPTER 20
Ray walked in through the kitchen, determined to catch Miriam before she had a chance to hide herself away in her room. After overhearing the heated argument between her and Adam, he deemed this to be his best chance to change her mind before things got so far out of control there would be no fixing it.
She would be vulnerable now, and emotional, so he knew he would have to treat her with an extra dose of patience and love. But he wouldn’t pass up such an opportunity to salvage his family and his future with the woman he loved more than his own life.
His heart sank when he didn’t find her in the kitchen, but muffled weeping told him he would find her in her bedroom. As he rounded the corner of the living room, the crying reached his ears at the level that let him know she hadn’t bothered to close the bedroom door.
Thankfully, his hopeful assumption was correct.
He stood quietly in the doorway for a moment, watching her shoulders shake as she cried into one of the overstuffed pillows that decorated the bed. His first instinct was to go to her, but he wasn’t sure he should risk pushing her to the point she rejected his comfort.
Deciding
it was worth the risk, he closed the space between them and slipped down onto the edge of the bed next to her and gently pulled her into his arms. She buried her face against his shoulder and trembled as she let loose heartbreaking cries. He had no idea what she was going through. He only knew he loved her and would do anything to help her.
Disheartened by her sobbing, he smoothed her soft, golden hair, burying his face in the sleek tendrils scented with honeysuckle flowers. He’d missed the fragrance of the homemade soap she used on her hair that yielded the silky feel of it between his fingers.
“Everything is going to be alright, Darlin’. You’ll see things aren’t as bad as they seem right now.”
“They…are that bad,” she managed in-between sobs catching in her throat. “And they’re only going to get worse.”
He ran his hand down the length of her hair, which she’d let loose from the tightly-wound bun at the base of her neck.
“It doesn’t have to be,” he said cautiously. “Marry me, and let me fix this for you.”
“You can’t fix this any more than I can,” she managed with one breath. “I’m beginning to think it isn’t going to matter if I marry either of you.”
He kissed the top of her head, breathing in the aromatic bouquet.
Lord, help me convince Miriam that I love her, he prayed silently. Give her the strength to accept my help. Forgive us for the sins we committed, and bless us with the opportunity to make it right by getting married.
He wasn’t sure if God had heard him, but he prayed it with all his heart nonetheless. It had been a while since he’d talked to God. He hadn’t exactly walked the straight and narrow path with Miriam. His heart weighed heavy with the guilt of the situation he’d put her in. He was determined to spend the rest of his days making things right with her, but it wasn’t going to be easy if she continued to resist his efforts.
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