She nodded. “I would like that.”
She spoke the truth. There was something appealing about simplicity right now. About having the rules of one’s life spelled out. Too many choices could be complicated.
If she had never left the convent school in the first place, she wouldn’t have met As’ad and none of this would have happened. Yet was it equally wrong to hide from the world? To take the safe and, therefore, easy road? To never test herself? Is that what she’d been supposed to learn?
“I just don’t know,” she said.
The king looked quizzical. “What troubles you, child?”
“Nothing.” She felt tears burning in her eyes. “I…I’m sorry. I don’t feel well. Please excuse me.”
She gave a little bow, then hurried away. When she’d taken a turn in the path and knew she was out of sight, she began to run. The only problem was there was nowhere else to go.
As’ad walked to Kayleen’s suite, knocked, then entered. He found her in her room, curled up on the bed, sobbing as if her heart was broken.
He stared at her for a moment, feeling both compassion and a sense of certainty that his good news would erase her tears. He allowed himself to anticipate her sweet kisses when he proposed. How she would be so excited and grateful. Perhaps they would make love again. He was more than ready, although he would have to be careful so that he did not hurt her. She was new to the sensual world and too much attention in too short a time would leave her sore.
He walked to the side of the bed. “Kayleen.”
“Go away.”
“I will not. Sit up. I wish to speak to you.”
“No. I don’t want to talk. This isn’t your problem.”
“Of course it is. I caused it.”
She continued to cry, which surprised him. She’d seemed fine when he’d left her last night. A woman should not be left alone with her thoughts. It only created trouble.
“Kayleen—”
“Go away.”
He considered the situation, then sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her upright. She ducked her head, refusing to look at him. He drew her against him.
“It is not as bad as all that.”
“Of course it is.” Her body shook with the force of her sobs. “I have betrayed everything I believe in. I’m not the person I thought. I gave myself to you without thinking it through. I barely know you. I don’t love you. You’re just some guy. What does that say about me?”
Some guy? He was Prince As’ad of El Deharia. He was royal and a sheik. Women begged him to claim them for just a single night.
“I honored you,” he told her curtly.
“It wasn’t an honor to me.”
What? He pushed away his annoyance. She was emotional, he told himself. She wasn’t thinking clearly.
“Kayleen, we share a connection with the girls. You see me as a friend and someone you can trust. It is natural you would turn to me easily.”
She looked at him, her eyes swollen and red. “It’s not natural to me. I’m supposed to wait until I’m in love and married.”
“Sometimes it is difficult to resist the pull of sensual need.”
She hiccuped. “You’re saying I gave in because I wanted to do it and you just happened to be there? That’s supposed to make me feel better?”
Why was she deliberately misunderstanding him? “Not at all,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m saying that I am an experienced man. I know what to do to awaken that part of a woman.”
“So you tricked me? While I appreciate the effort, it’s not working. I have a responsibility in this. I have to deal with what happened, what I did and what it says about me.”
“I did not trick you.”
She shifted away and stood. “Whatever. You can go now.”
“I am not leaving,” he said as he rose to his feet. “Kayleen, you are missing the point of my visit.”
She wiped her cheeks with her fingers. “What’s the point?”
Not exactly the opening he’d imagined. He cleared his throat. “It occurs to me that you were not in a position to consider the ramifications of what happened to us. You were lost in the moment, not realizing that by giving in to me you were destroying your most precious gift and—”
Fresh tears filled her eyes. “How could you?” she breathed and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
He stared in disbelief. She’d walked away from him?
He followed her to the closed door. “Kayleen, please come out here at once.”
“Go away. I have to figure this out and you’re not helping.”
He opened the door and stepped into the bathroom. “You will listen to me. I am here to make this better. I am here to fix your problem.”
She shook her head. “You can’t fix anything. I’ve lost everything I wanted.”
“You have lost nothing. You are not a woman to be locked away. You deserve more than that and I am going to give it to you. Think of being married, of having a family to fill your day, children of your own.” He paused to give her a chance to brace herself for the honor he would bestow upon her.
“Kayleen, I will marry you.”
He smiled at her, waiting for her tears to dry. Instead more fell. Perhaps she did not understand.
“You will be my wife. You will live here, with me. In the palace. I have taken your virginity, therefore I will return your honor to you by marrying you. You will carry my name.”
He waited, but she said nothing. She didn’t even look at him.
“All right. I see you are having trouble understanding all this. It is unlikely you ever allowed yourself to dream of such a life. In time you will be able to believe this has truly happened. Until then, you can thank me and accept. That is enough.”
She raised her gaze to stare at him. Something hot and bright burned in her eyes, but it wasn’t happiness or gratitude.
“Thank you?” she repeated, her voice high and shrill. “Thank you? I’m not going to thank you. I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man alive.”
He was so stunned that when she shoved him, he took a step back. The bathroom door slammed shut in his face and he heard the bolt shoot home.
Chapter Nine
“T ake another drink of tea,” Lina said soothingly.
Kayleen wrinkled her nose. The brew was a nasty herbal concoction that tasted like wet carpet smelled, but her friend assured her it would help. At this point, Kayleen was open to any suggestions.
She finished the mug and set it on the table, then grabbed a cookie she didn’t want to get the taste out of her mouth.
“Better?” Lina asked.
Kayleen nodded because it was expected. In truth she didn’t feel better, she felt awful. She still couldn’t get herself to understand what had happened or how she’d so quickly and easily lost her moral compass. Yes, As’ad was handsome and charming and an amazing kisser, but she should have been stronger than that.
Lina sighed. “I can see by the look on your face that you’re still beating yourself up. You need to let it go. Men like my nephew have been tempting women since the beginning of time.”
“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the information,” Kayleen murmured. “It’s just…”
“It doesn’t help,” Lina said kindly.
“Sort of. I feel so stupid and inexperienced.”
“At least you’re more experienced than you were.”
Despite everything, Kayleen smiled. “That’s true. I won’t fall for that again. Next time, I’ll resist.”
Assuming there was a next time. Her last meeting with As’ad had ended badly. He had to be furious.
“He was serious about marrying you,” Lina told her. “Don’t dismiss that.”
“I didn’t have a choice. He didn’t propose—he commanded, then he expected me to be grateful. I know he’s part of your family and you love him, but that wasn’t a proposal, Lina. He’s just so…”
“Imperious?”
“
Among other things.”
And it hurt, Kayleen admitted to herself. That he would talk to her that way. If he’d come to her with compassion, truly understanding what she was going through, she would have been appreciative of what he offered. She might have been tempted to say yes. At least then her world would have been set right. But to act the way he did?
“I understand,” Lina said. “As’ad is like most princes—used to being impressive. He handled the situation badly and violated your romantic fantasy at the same time.”
Kayleen frowned. “I don’t have a romantic fantasy.”
“Don’t you?”
An interesting question. She’d never really thought about getting married and having a family, so she’d never really thought about a proposal. But if she had, it would have been different. Flowers and candlelight and a man promising to love her forever.
The image was clear enough to touch, she thought ruefully.
“Okay, maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t allow myself to believe it would ever happen, but deep down inside, I wanted more than instructions and an order to feel grateful.”
Lina winced. “That bad?”
“Oh, yeah. The only good news is I slammed the bathroom door in his face. I don’t think that happens to As’ad very much.” She touched her stomach, as if she could rub away the knot that had formed inside. If As’ad was angry enough, he could send her away and she might never see the girls again. “How mad is he?”
“He’s less angry and more confused. From his perspective, he did a wonderful thing.”
Kayleen resisted the need to roll her eyes. “I’ll write a thank-you note later.”
“His world is a different place,” Lina said quietly. “Like his brothers, he has been raised to know that he will be expected to serve his country, that his life, while privileged, comes with a price. Growing up it was difficult for him to know who truly wanted to be friends because they liked him, and who wanted to be friends with a prince. He made mistakes and slowly learned whom he could and could not trust.”
Kayleen could relate to the pain of not having real friends, of wanting to find a place that was safe.
“But he had his brothers.”
“Yes, and that helped. Still, as he got older, there were many girls, then women, willing to do anything to make him fall in love with them. Or at least sleep with them.”
Kayleen felt heat on her cheeks. “Like me.”
“Not like you at all. You didn’t throw yourself at him or pretend to be interested. You were caught up in circumstances. As’ad shares blame in what happened. I’m simply saying he has a different perspective. While his proposal was meant to be the right thing, he handled it badly. As’ad isn’t skilled in dealing with emotion. His father saw to that. He was taught that emotions make a man weak. He avoids them.”
Kayleen had heard that from him and still found it hard to believe anyone could think of love as a weakness. Love gave a person infinite power and strength.
“Is there any part of you that wants to marry As’ad?” Lina asked.
The question was unexpected. Kayleen considered her reply. “It seems the easy way out.”
“Which does not give me an answer.”
Did she want to marry As’ad? In truth, the idea wasn’t horrible. He was a nice man and the thought of spending every night in his bed was thrilling beyond words, which probably meant she was in even worse shape than she’d first thought.
But there was more to marriage than the physical, she thought. There was a lifetime of connection. Did she want to have children with As’ad? Be a true mother to the three girls? Live in El Deharia forever?
The swell of longing surprised her. The need to belong—to have roots and a home—swept over her until it was difficult to breathe. She’d been on the outside looking in all her life. To be inside now was more than she’d ever dreamed. But to marry without love?
“I’m tempted,” she admitted. “Marrying As’ad would give me so much. But I’m not in love with him.”
“Practical marriages are a time-honored tradition,” Lina reminded her.
“I’m not royal. He’s a prince. Doesn’t that matter?”
“The old ways have changed. Now a prince may pick his bride. You have qualities such as honor, intelligence and kindness that make you everything I could want for As’ad.”
The gentle praise made Kayleen want to cry again. “Thank you,” she whispered.
“There is more to consider,” Lina said. “As the wife of a prince, you would be in a position to do good on a grand scale, both here and in the world. You could devote yourself to many worthwhile causes, assuming you have time after you and As’ad start to have children.”
Lina painted a picture that was difficult to resist. “Allow me to use some of the intelligence you claim I have to point out you’re manipulating me.”
Lina smiled. “Perhaps a little, but not as much as I could. If I truly wanted to convince you against your will, I would tell you that As’ad needs you. He needs someone who will love him unconditionally and teach him how important love is.”
“I don’t love him.”
Lina’s smile never wavered. “Perhaps you are right, but I’m not convinced. I know you, Kayleen. You wouldn’t give yourself lightly to a man. I think you have feelings for As’ad and it won’t take much for them to grow. Everyone deserves love. Give him his and in time, he will give you yours.”
The idea of being loved was much more powerful than the fantasy of being a princess. Yes, the palace was lovely, but Kayleen would be content to live in a trailer at the ends of the earth if she could be with a man who truly loved her.
Was Lina right? Did she, Kayleen, have feelings for As’ad? Did he need her to care for him?
“What are you thinking?” Lina asked.
“That I don’t know what to do.”
“Then we are in a good place to start finding that out.”
Kayleen forced herself to go to As’ad’s office because it was the right thing to do. She knew that he had only been trying to help and the fact that he’d done it so badly didn’t excuse her behavior or take away his intent. Still, it was embarrassing to face him again after her emotional outburst. She’d slammed a door in his face, both figuratively and literally. He might not be so happy to see her.
She walked into his office. Neil, his assistant, didn’t immediately throw her out, which she considered a good sign.
“Is he available?” she asked.
“Perhaps. Just a moment.” Neil buzzed As’ad and announced her. There was a pause before Neil said, “You may go in.”
Kayleen nodded, then braced herself and opened the door.
The prince rose as she entered. He wore a suit, which was typical, yet everything about him seemed different.
Maybe it was because she knew him. She’d touched his bare skin, had been as intimate with him as it was possible to be. She knew his heat, his taste, his sound. She knew what he could do to her and how she could make him react. Nothing was as it had been and she wondered if it would ever be the same again.
“Kayleen.”
His voice was low, his dark eyes unreadable.
Their last meeting was a blur. She’d been beyond upset, still reeling from the reality of what she’d done. While she’d tried to explain that her feelings were about herself and not him, she wasn’t sure he’d understood or believed her. Oddly, she didn’t want him to feel bad.
She crossed her arms over her chest, then dropped her hands to her sides. The silence stretched between them. It occurred to her that he might be feeling a little awkward after the way she’d rejected him.
Was that possible? Did a prince get upset when his proposal of marriage was thrown back in his face? She couldn’t decide if As’ad was too arrogant to feel rejection or if the lack of it in his life left him unprepared for the sensation.
“I’m sorry,” she told him, meeting his gaze. “You came to me in good faith and made a generous offer. I handled the situa
tion badly. I know you meant well and I should have acknowledged that. You were trying to do the right thing.”
“I was,” he agreed. “But I have blame, as well. I could have phrased things differently and not been so…”
“Imperious?” she offered.
“That is not the word I would have chosen.”
“And yet it fits perfectly.”
His gaze narrowed slightly. “Your apology seems to be lacking humility.”
“Humility has never been a strength for me. Yet another flaw.”
“You have much to recommend yourself, Kayleen. That is what I should have told you before.”
Had he always been so good-looking? she wondered as she got caught up in his eyes. His features were perfectly balanced and his mouth…just looking at it made her remember kissing him over and over again.
Weakness invaded her legs, making it suddenly difficult to stand. Fortunately As’ad took her arm and led her to the sofa at the far end of his large office. When she was seated, he settled next to her.
He smiled. “You challenge me.”
“Not right now.”
“True, but let’s give it a minute. You have done well with the girls.”
“They mean a lot to me.”
He touched her cheek. “I do not want to see you lock yourself behind convent walls. In my arrogance, I chose to make that decision for you. I chose to seduce you so that you couldn’t return. It was wrong of me and I apologize.”
She opened her mouth, then closed it. He’d planned it? All of it? “You slept with me on purpose? You weren’t caught up in the moment?” The information stunned her and hurt quite a bit.
“I was more than caught up,” he told her. “You bewitched me.”
“I don’t think so.”
He cupped her chin, forcing her to look at him. “I assure you, my desire for you remains as fiery as ever.”
There was a light in his eyes, a need she recognized. Her insides clenched and she found herself wanting to be with him again. The hurt faded.
“I took away your choices,” he told her. “I decided for you and that is wrong.”
The Sheik and the Christmas Bride Page 11
