by Liz Schulte
“Perhaps there will be room then for both of you at my side,” Forrest smiled, seductively, wolfishly, and it was the most terrifying smile I had ever seen.
“Wait a minute there, big guy,” I said. “First…No. No way, no how, not ever. I have no intention of stepping foot in hell.”
“No one ever does,” Forrest smiled.
“And the whole you and me thing? Never going to happen.”
“Never say never,” Forrest said. “You forget, we’re always going to be bonded over that child you’re carrying.”
“You have nothing to do with this baby.”
“Don’t I though?” he asked, and then he laughed. The sound was booming and painful.
Gus and I covered our ears as the cottage shook. When we were able to look up again, Forrest was gone, but the flowers and candy remained.
“What the he…”
I shot Gus a look.
“…heck…just happened? What was that about?”
“Is he gone?” The skull on the mantlepiece asked.
“Yes, Aunt Tillie, I think he’s gone,” I said.
“Dear Goddess,” Aunt Tillie said. “You’d better start praying. Too bad there are no more nunneries for the Goddess and the Old Ways. Last time the Devil fell in love, it changed the world. Whatever you do, don’t eat those chocolates.”
* * *
I put my parka and snow boots back on.
“Where are you going?” Gus asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I’m feeling nauseous. I have to go for a walk.”
And I did. A long, long walk, until I couldn’t feel my cheeks anymore. But it didn’t really do anything to clear my head.
* * *
“Okay,” I said to Gus. “But what happened today? After I left? How in the world did you wind up with Cupid in a cage?”
Gus blushed.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Gus blush.
“You may not like that part,” he said.
“Are you kidding me? I have a feeling this is the best part, if that blush is anything to go by. Out with it. And I want details.”
“Uhm, okay…” Gus said, grimacing. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you. You know when you left to go job-hunting…?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “Otherwise known as my own personal walk of shame.”
“I’m sure you’ll find something.”
“Not the point. On with your story.”
“Okay, well… Paul came over. At first, he was looking for you. I thought he was going to apologize for being an ass. At least I was hoping he would. But while he was talking, I heard this weird little giggle and a shadow flitted past…”
“Did Paul act like he had just gotten bit by a mosquito?”
“Yeah…And the next thing I knew, he was chasing me around the living room, proclaiming his undying love. Seriously. I was actually running. He launched himself at me like a football player. I had to jump over the couch.”
I couldn’t help myself. I started laughing.
“Yuck it up, but you so owe me. He may be a jerk, but he’s totally hot. I could have totally had my way with him, made him do anything I wanted, he was that into me. But I didn’t. Out of respect for you.”
“Did you remind him he was straight?” I asked.
“Of course I did. He said bisexual is the new straight, and for me, he could learn to swing.”
“Wow. Just…wow.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It was ludicrous to think of Paul, straight, macho Paul, chasing Gus around the cottage. But it was also kind of sad and a little irritating, considering how much he had been keeping me at arm’s length, when I was the soon-to-be mother of his child.
“So, what happened next?”
“He chased me into the kitchen. I grabbed the first thing I could reach, intending to knock him out if I had to. He grabbed me, I smacked him with what turned out to be a Morton’s Salt container. It exploded and salt flew everywhere. That’s when I noticed Eros in there, on the floor, covered in salt. So I jumped on top of the little fucker and pinned him down.”
“What happened to Paul?”
“It was like he suddenly came to. He shook his head, said What the fuck am I doing here? then he muttered something like, I hate this goddamned cottage, then he left. And I was stuck with the winged lust assassin out there.”
“And the cage?” I asked.
Gus grinned at me. “I had it custom-built. Me and the boys are doing a little Lupercalia ritual for Valentine’s Day night. A Lupercalian Bacchanal. A hedonistic bit of role play. A little bit of scourging, a whole lot of hubba-hubba. Thankfully, the cage was delivered after you left this morning. Want to join us? You can wield the whip.”
I shuddered. “No… really, no. You, go have your fun. I’ll… stay home with the Dobes.”
Gus shrugged. “Suit yourself. But you don’t know what you’re missing.”
Suddenly, we heard a loud caterwauling from the other room.
Chapter Three
Gus and I ran back to the living room, in time to hear Eros and Aunt Tillie singing Elvis Presley’s Release Me at the top of their lungs.
“Oh, please release me, let me go
For I just don't love you anymore
To waste our lives would be a sin
Oh, release me and let me love again”
Eros fell down in a fit of giggles as Aunt Tillie kept on singing.
“Okay, everyone quiet now,” I yelled to be heard over them. “Before my ears start bleeding.”
The room quieted down, and I heard Aunt Tillie mutter “Uncouth, immature spoilsports. No one interrupts the King.”
“You’re not the King, Aunt Tillie. If Elvis suddenly appeared to serenade us, that would be a different story.”
The eyelights on the skull glowed. “Good to know.”
Eros gave me a sultry hangdog look. “So…are you planning to release me or what, you silly nutters?”
“I’d love to,” I said. “But you’ve been kind of an ass.”
“It’s my job.”
“Somehow, I think you need to re-read that job description,” Gus said.
“Your job is to make people fall in love,” I said.
“You’re right, Tillie,” Eros said to the skull. “These two really are total cock-ups.”
“Hey! Offensive,” I said.
“Look at my arrows. Gold for love, silver for indifference, lead for hate. I can make people feel whatever I damn well please.”
“And you’ve been having a field day with those, haven’t you?” I asked.
“But why the hell have you been targeting us, you little fucker?” Gus snapped. “You’re supposed to be a fly-by type of hit. Not a hunker down for battle and keep firing kind of guy.”
Eros shrugged and looked bored. “I’m a whatever-I-want-to-be type of guy. Piss me off at your own risk,” he said, giving his feathers a shake.
“I have a whole grocery bag full of salt in the kitchen, so piss me off at your own risk,” Gus snapped. “You’ll be picking salt out of your feathers for the next aeon.”
Eros sighed. “It’s not personal.”
“Like hell it’s not,” I said.
“Exactly,” said Eros.
“What?!” The baby kicked me hard, right in the gut. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. “What the devil are you talking about, you obnoxious git?” I asked.
Aunt Tillie shrieked. “What have I told you about using his name?”
There was a flash of light and Forrest was suddenly standing in the living room. “You called, my love?”
“Yes. I mean, no! I’m not your love. But yes, now that you’re here, help us out.” I pointed at the cage. “He’s the reason you think you’re in love with me. You and I have no chemistry together on a normal day. What we have, are arrow wounds.”
Forrest growled. “Eros. I should have known.”
“But you didn’t. The big, infallible Devil didn’t know something that was
happening right under his nose. Awww, such a shame,” Eros said, way too smug for being inside a cage.
Forrest closed his eyes for a second and composed his face. “I hate this stage.”
“Watch yourself, Old Horny, or I’ll make you fall in love with a mirror. Oh, wait. Too late.”
Forrest growled some more, and I could swear I saw steam coming off of him.
“Is obnoxious a stage?” I asked.
Forrest sighed. “Young Eros is a pleasure. Sweet, innocent, all about love. Adult Eros is an asset. Love, lust, hedonism. He brings it all to the forefront. But teenaged Eros? Is a pain in my ass. He’s a hemorrhoid with wings. And every single time adult Eros falls in love, I have to start over with a new one, from the ground up. Or should I say, from the nappies up?”
“Fuck,” I said. “All right, we may as well let him out.”
“Are you kidding me? No freaking way,” Gus said, looking stubborn.
“Gus, you can’t keep him,” I said. “He’s not a pet. You’re going to have to let him go at some point. May as well be now.”
“So he can keep fucking with us?”
“I don’t think we’re the ones he’s got an issue with.”
“Score one for Bodus Rotundus,” Eros sang.
“Shut up before I rethink being on your side.” I snapped.
“How do you know he’s not going to come after us?” Gus asked.
I paused for a second. How did I know? Had I somehow picked it up from Eros himself? I knew I could sometimes see or hear other people’s thoughts. I wondered if it worked the same way for a mythological being? I relaxed and went into what Gus called a meditative state, making my mind blank and focusing on Eros.
* * *
The inside of his head was like walking through a storm. Dark, roiling thunderclouds, with flashes of lightning illuminating brief images:
The most gorgeous woman I had ever seen, rising up out of the sea.
The woman slapping Forrest.
The woman in the throes of passion with Forrest.
Forrest rising from the bed and changing into someone else entirely.
The woman screaming.
“Bloody hell. That’s enough! Get out of my head this instant, woman.”
I felt a shove and I flew threw the storms and back into my body, just as my body was flying backwards, over the couch.
* * *
I sat up and tried to get my bearings. I felt dizzy and nauseous. I took a few deep breaths until the feeling passed.
“It was you,” I said, when I could breathe normally again. I pointed at Forrest. “He’s after you. We’re just collateral damage because you have your…what did you call it?…imprint on us.”
Outside, a fierce wind blew against the cottage, shaking the windows, followed by a roaring crash.
“What the hell?!” Gus said.
We all ran to the back windows, overlooking the yard and the lake. The wind was tossing garbage cans around like Lego toys. The water from the lake was churning in a frenzy, the waves higher than I’d ever seen them.
“Did you think my mother wouldn’t come looking for me?” Eros called out from the living room. “I’m in here, mummy dear.”
“Oh, fuck!” Gus swore. “Aphrodite?! I thought she was sea water.”
“She’s got an affinity for any water she wants,” Eros said, smugly.
“That’s it for me. I’m out of here.” Forrest said.
“Oh, no you don’t,” I yelled. I got a running start and I jumped on him before he could take another step towards the living room, knocking him down onto the floor.
“Hey, little monkey, if you want a ride, let me get my pants off.” Forrest laughed.
I hooked one hand in his hair and pulled. “What did you do to her?”
“Nothing! I swear!”
“You did something,” Gus said. “If Mara saw you in Eros’s head, you must have done something.”
But Forrest wasn’t answering. I moved to get off his crotch and as I did, my fingers brushed his neck.
“Hey, stop that. That tickles.” Forrest squirmed and laughed underneath me.
I looked at Gus. “The Devil is ticklish?”
“I guess it would make sense. He’s probably immune to pain by now.”
I tickled his neck and his ears and he almost bucked me off, he was bouncing around so much.
“I wonder where the Devil would be the most ticklish?” I asked Gus. “Armpit? Back of knees? Feet?”
“Hooves,” Gus corrected. “Have you seen his toenails?”
Gus pulled off his shoes and started tickling his feet.
Forrest was laughing so hard he was crying. “Stop, stop, I’ll tell you.”
“Maybe up around the horn area,” Gus suggested.
“No! It was practically nothing. Hardly anything to get bothered about.”
“Gus, can you get me one of those peacock feathers out of that vase?”
“Wait! Don’t! I can’t take much more. I’m not used to laughing like this.”
“Only you can make it stop,” I said, tickling him. “Tell me what I want to know.”
“Has anyone ever told you you’d make a fine addition to Hell? You’ve got torture down pat.”
“Gus, feather please.”
Gus handed me a feather, and I lightly stroked Forrest with it.
“Wait, no. Don’t. Stop. Don’t…stop,” he groaned in pleasure.
I stopped. Well, that didn’t have the effect that I had wanted.
“Don’t stop now, honey. I was just getting into it.”
“Tell me, or the fun and games end now,” I said.
He sighed. “It’s nothing. I just…I made her think that Hermes was me for one night.”
“Why would you do that?” I asked. “That’s just skeevy.”
“Not my choice. He won a bet. I always pay my bets.”
“It gets even skeevier, luv.” Eros chimed in from the living room. “Tell them why, you old geezer.”
“It was the night the numbskull out there was conceived.” Forrest said.
“That’s not the full story,” Eros yelled.
“Tell me,” I said, tickling the exposed skin of Forrest’s waist.
Forrest laughed. “I’m the Devil, honey. And thanks to Eros there, I have a hard-on for you. You can tickle me all night.”
I sat back, frustrated. Then I realized I was sitting on his crotch and there was something missing. “Uhm, no…No you don’t,” I said.
“Of course I do.”
“Trust me, I’m sitting right where I should be able to feel it. You don’t.”
“What?!”
I stood up and Forrest stuck his hand down the front of his pants.
“What the hell?! I don’t.”
Eros snickered from the living room. “And you never will, until you make things right with my mum. I had a very special arrow made, just for you. All the desire and none of the ability.”
“How is Eros even hearing us out there?” Gus whispered to me.
“Ears of a God, luv. I hear all your secret desires, your whispered secrets, you think I can’t hear you talking? Now stop stalling and get on with the torturing. I happen to know his most sensitive spot is his…”
Forrest yelled to drown out Eros. “You little shit. I should send you to hell and have your feathers plucked out one-by-one. I should smite you in that cage.”
“But you won’t. You need me to pave the road to hell.”
Forrest growled.
“You know, confession is good for the soul,” I said. “What it it’s not just Eros’s arrow? Erectile dysfunction can have many causes. What if it’s a guilty conscience holding you back?”
“Oh, that’s a good one, luv.” Eros called out.
“Come on, Forrest,” I said. “What’s the big secret that Eros is holding over your head about you, Aphrodite and Hermes? Maybe exposing it will take away some of his power.”
“Look, even though you’re hot for Mara r
ight now, you and I have a history. I, of all people, know just how important your boner is to you,” Gus said. “Are you really ready to risk never having one again?”
“With your metabolism, I wonder how many bushels of Viagra you’ll go through in a week?” Eros said, cheerfully. “That’s sure to put a crimp in the old seduction line. Excuse me, young maiden, while I go pop my little blue pill. It’ll give them time to have second thoughts.”
Forrest sighed. “Hermes is Aphrodite’s brother.”
Chapter Four
I jumped away from Forrest and shuddered. “You freaking ass. That’s… that’s sooo beyond skeevy. No wonder Eros is gunning for you.”
“I didn’t have a choice. Hermes won the bet. Besides, things are different with immortals. They’re not like humans.”
“No kidding,” I muttered. “So, Eros’s parents are his mom and his uncle? No wonder he’s crazy.”
“No, you don’t understand. When a god or goddess is born of…the Abyss and the Stars, or Sea Foam and the Sky, it’s a whole different type of biology.”
“He’s got a point,” Gus said. “All the gods and goddesses were born out of a single entity, so they’re all technically siblings. In a sense.”
“No he doesn’t. Humans were all created from seven mitochondrial Eves, but that doesn’t mean we’re related.”
“I think you’re making a fallacious argument,” Gus said.
“Just stop,” Forrest said. “Eros has exactly the parents he needed. His mother is Desire and his father is a Trickster. Together, they rule over the heart and communication. Why do you think Valentine’s Day is feted in song and poetry? Thanks to me and our little bet, Eros was born to rule over and manifest humanity’s desires, their hidden loves, their secret obsessions. If humans were open and honest all of the time, they wouldn’t need Cupid, would they?”
“But that wasn’t her choice. You tricked her,” I said.
“Oh, pish tosh. Aphrodite’s done worse. Just ask her about Myrtle.”
There was a roaring whoosh sound outside. We raced back to the windows. The water from the lake was rising up and up and up, taking on the shape of a giant woman.
