by D W Marshall
My girls wrap me in a huge embrace. Sobs escape me even when I don’t want them to. Ciara sends him a continuous flip off.
“Oh yeah, Maeve, well I’m married to Gemma now and she doesn’t appreciate some used-up skank of a whore stalking her husband!”
The next thing that happens will be in my playback reel. Miles knocks the sweet molasses out of Keegan, sending him to the ground.
“Say another unsettling word about Maeve and you will be eating through a straw. She didn’t ask for the things that happened to her and you will apologize for your ignorant outburst!” Miles’s voice is full of angry bass that I have never heard before. Keegan deserved no less.
“I’m not apologizing to her. I have a mind to tell everyone I know all about the new and unimproved Maeve O’Malley.” A maniacal laugh escapes his lips like he discovered a grand plan to ruin my reputation.
This time Pierce snatches Keegan from the floor and pulls him really close. I can see Gemma from this vantage point and she is visibly shaken up. “Sir, I guarantee if you say another dishonorable word about Ms. O’Malley, you will be adding a catheter to the wired jaw. Our protection not only protects her from physical harm, it extends to verbal attacks from asswads like yourself. Now I don’t know what arrogant tree you climbed down from, but I chose this restaurant because the chef is a good friend of mine, and I assure you I am not stalking you. If I were to chose the company of men, and I do not, I would chose a gentleman. And you, sir, I am sure have been told all your life that you are no gentleman. Now leave us.” Pierce tosses him and Keegan stumbles backward.
He composes himself before walking away, making sure to glare at me as if I just became enemy number one. Why is it when someone does something wrong and gets called on it they are so mad, when they are only receiving the consequences of their poor actions? Like in action movies—the bad guys loses an important member of his crew while they are committing a crime, and they vow revenge. Uh, really?
“I am not hungry anymore,” I say. “I wanna go home.”
I think my girls feel the same way.
Miles makes his way down to me and sits in the empty seat next to mine. “You can’t leave, Maeve.”
“Why?”
“Because you will be giving that asshole exactly what he wants. He wants you scared and embarrassed. I can’t have you feeling either of those things. I’m not gonna let anything happen to you or your friends.” He glances over at the girls. “None of us are. So please enjoy your meal and your whiskey. Fuck him, or as you Irish say, feck him,” he says.
“If only.”
I don’t say another word to Miles. Nor do I make eye contact with him because my weakness is my shame. If only I didn’t love Keegan, it wouldn’t hurt so badly the way he treats me. If I was over him or if I could bring myself to hate him, then I could stay. Instead, his words sting and burn me. Coming from the man I still love, the man who was my savior while I was in The Chamber, those words seep into my soul. I am a worthless, used-up skank. I don’t hate Keegan. I really wish I could hate him. Instead, the person I do hate is myself.
My girls stand when I do and follow me toward the entrance of our private area. Aiden disappears, to no doubt pay for our unfinished meal, while the rest of us file out. Like the imbecile I must be, I glance around the room and am rewarded with Keegan doing the crying motion with his hands grinding his eyes, teasing me, followed by him waving with a huge grin plastered on his face. Seeing that, I quicken my pace, and nearly dive into the backseat of the awaiting car.
I am too ashamed to look at anyone. I don’t say goodbye to my girls either. Nothing matters. How am I supposed to move forward when I have nothing? I curl into what is becoming my usual—a tiny ball—and attempt to hide the fact that I am crying. Of course, the sobs that escape around the hiccups don’t help my case.
The second we arrive home I make a mad dash from the car, through my front door, and up my stairs, slamming my room door behind me.
I want to hate Keegan so much.
I want to stop loving him.
I want to stop wishing I was Gemma.
But I can’t. He had a year to move on without me, while all I wished for during my year of captivity was to be in his arms. And I am supposed to just turn it off in an instant?
My love and affection?
My pain?
Well, forgive me for not being made of steel. He was the only thought that kept me strong while I was in The Chamber. Not my family, not my friends. I mean, sure I thought about them too, but I never imagined they would save me. That responsibility I gave to Keegan. What a fool I was. I put my entire life in his hands.
I know exactly what I need. I need to forget, and I know exactly what will help me forget everything. Blankos. Maybe if I am lucky and take enough of them I will never remember again. I grab them out of my drawer and cross my room to my bathroom. I stare at myself in the mirror.
Are you this weak, Maeve, over a boy? These things happen to everyone! People get dumped all the time. Green eyes stare back at me. The pain in them wrenches my heart. “Yeah, well, I have had my share of fecked-upness to last my entire life and truth be told, I’m fecking tired of all of it. I’m shit-damn-fecking tired of being me. I wish being dumped was the worst of it.” I turn the faucet on and fill my glass with water, open the bottle and take every single pill inside. “Does everybody get kidnapped twice? I’ll answer that question, no!” I don’t know how many there are—at least twenty, thirty. “Does everybody spend a year as a fecking sex slave? The answer to that is a big, fecking, whopping no too!” I don’t know why my subconscious is trying to talk me out of this. It isn’t like it helped me to forget my life either. “So, I will take my own life into my own hands, and maybe I can finally get some fecking peace.”
Now that that is done. I make my way to my desk and pull out a tablet and pen.
To my dearest family,
I am so sorry that it has come to this. The pain of living this life has proven to be too much for me to endure. I can’t stand a single second more of life in this body. If I come back I hope to be a butterfly or a beautiful bird, because being a human has proven too much. I love you Ma, Da, Lugh, and Ailbhe so much. I am sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stay with you.
Love forever,
Maeve
By the time I get to the salutation I have nearly ruined the note with my tears. They will be so sad. They will miss me so much, and I will forever be sorry that I couldn’t stay around for them. But they aren’t in my skin. That is my unfortunate burden, and I tried to return to my life and make it work. I returned from one tragedy to endure another one. Everywhere I turn in this life is pain, and to be honest I am exhausted. I can’t please anyone, including myself. I’ve been home an entire month and nothing has changed. It hasn’t gotten better. I will never bounce back. This way my family will mourn the loss of me, rather than watch me slowly wither and die. This way is much better for all of us.
The Blankos are starting to take over. I can tell because my head is light and I feel no pressure, no sadness, only peace. Perfect peace. I lie down on my bed and let them do their work.
I’m floating.
Gently floating on a breeze.
My body is weightless.
Happiness.
I can’t feel my fingers or my toes. I try to move my fingers but I can’t tell if I am successful.
There is no pain.
I no longer feel regret.
There is no fear.
No failure.
No suffering.
I only feel joy at this moment. Relief that my horrible, calamitous life is coming to an end. My family will never have to suffer worrying about me again. They can remember me however they want, whatever will bring them the most peace. They don’t have to pretend they aren’t scared to death anymore. They too will finally know peace. My folks deserve to be happy, something they haven’t known since I was a girl. My misfortune has brought them nothing but pain. I wish nothing but h
appiness for them.
I don’t know if my eyes are opened or closed. I don’t see darkness, only light. In the distance I hear voices. Ma’s, I think. She sounds so worried. Why is she so worried when I am so happy?
“Maeve! Maeve!” Ma’s scream is filled with horror. No, not horror…terror.
I try to tell her that I am fine, that I see the white light and it is beautiful. I try to tell her that I am walking toward the light and with each step it’s getting brighter.
“Stay with me! Stay with me!” she keeps yelling. I can’t see her but I can hear her as if she is standing right next to me.
I try to tell her that I am happy and to let me be, let me go. I was never good at being a human. Only bad things happened to me. I hope I make a much better angel. If I get to chose I want to watch after the twins. I try to tell her, but she won’t listen. She keeps insisting that I am not going anywhere. How does she know? I am almost to the light.
Closer.
Closer.
So close now, all I can see is light and feel the heat as it engulfs me. It is warm and comforting, promising me that eternal peace will be mine in only a moment. I can’t wait. Then it is gone. No warning, nothing but darkness.
I am cold.
So cold.
It is dark and there is nothing but emptiness and silence. Then in the distance I hear beeping, a constant beeping.
Where am I?
The weightlessness is gone.
I’m no longer floating anymore.
I feel every part of my body.
I open my eyes and all I want to do is close them, seal them shut forever.
They saved me.
They went against my wishes and brought me back. I am Maeve O’Malley again, just FECKING great. What about what I wanted? Don’t I get a say? I glance around the hospital room. There are flowers and balloons everywhere. My ma and da are sitting in chairs on each side of me. Well, they are sleeping. There is another person in a chair in the farthest corner of the room—Miles.
I decide not to speak and pretend to be asleep. The longer I pretend the longer I can avoid the life I worked so hard to escape. There is a soft knock on my room door. Followed by shoes against the floor.
“Dr. Peterson,” Da says.
“Mr. and Mrs. O’Malley. We have good news. Maeve will be just fine. Well, physically.”
I hear a collective exhalation of breaths held too long.
“If she is fine then why won’t she wake up?” Ma’s voice sounds strained.
I feel awful for putting them through this, especially after being gone for a year. But I know the second they release me and I get the chance I will do it again. I don’t want to be here anymore.
“Give her some time. She’s a strong lass, but she has been through a lot. I don’t want to push things on you all at once, so I will speak with all of you when she wakes up. Your daughter needs a lot of help to get through what she has suffered.”
“Yes. We know that now,” Da says.
“I just want her to wake, I need to hear her voice,” Ma says and I hear the sobs escape her.
I know if I would open my eyes she could have the relief she craves but I am not ready for her to tell me how happy she is that I am okay and alive when I am not any of those things. Next time I will make sure I am not home and my method is quick and not survivable.
“I’ll leave you, then,” the doctor says.
“We’ll walk you out. Miles, keep an eye and call us if she so much as stirs. I’m gonna take her ma to get a cup of tea.”
“Yes, sir.”
It is quiet when I open one eye and then the next. Miles is right next to me, occupying one of the chairs my folks were sitting in. He isn’t surprised that my eyes are open.
“I knew you were awake,” he says. He takes one of my hands into his.
“How?”
“The way you were breathing,” he says.
He leans forward and regards me for the longest time in silence. “I’m so worried about you, Maeve.”
“I’m worried about me too.”
“I get why you aren’t ready to face your folks…but you need to talk to me.”
“I was happy to come home. Really, I was. When I was released that was all I wanted…” I can’t help the tears that begin to fall. “To be here.” I am not ashamed of what I attempted. I find his eyes and I gaze into them. He is patient. “But it isn’t what I hoped it would be. Not just with Keegan, but my folks too. They expect me to be happy old Maeve and I don’t really know who that is anymore. The bottom line is that I am not happy, Miles, I’m miserable. The whole time my folks were talking with the doctor, I kept thinking over and over that I am going to try and off myself the second I get out of here. Am I crazy?”
Miles leans in closer to me and takes both my hands into his. His hand is warm and strong, enveloping both of mine. We haven’t known each other long but I can feel his concern for me and it is genuine. “No, you are not crazy. You’re afraid. But I can’t let you do that. I won’t let that happen.”
More tears roll out. I take one of my hands away and wipe my running nose with the back of my hand. Miles takes it back, snot and all. “Why? What is so important on this earth that I need to stick around for? Why do you even care?” I say, staring into his eyes.
Miles brings my hands to his face and kisses each one of my fingers. Before he says anything he lets out a heavy sigh. “You deserve a chance to be happy. If you leave now, you leave behind the legacy of the unfortunate girl who only knew tragedy. Why would you want that to be what people remember about you? You want to leave your family haunted with those kind of memories?”
I shake my head no. I don’t want that for my family.
“Shit, Maeve, don’t you want to fight back and win?”
What does he mean? If I had any fight in me I wouldn’t be in this bed. “How? How can I win when my life is shite? Around every corner is a reminder of all that I have lost. I am fearful of my own shadow, Miles. I’m so tired of being me!”
Miles moves onto the edge of my bed. “Then do something about it.”
“I tried.”
“Not this.”
“What then?”
“If you are so miserable here then leave. The world is huge. Maybe you need a change of scenery.”
We are silent for the longest time. Maybe he is right. I never stood a chance here.
“I think I have an idea,” I say.
“I’m listening.”
“You would most likely lose your job, but you would have my undying gratitude.”
He leans in closer.
“I am not going to kill you, Maeve. Nor am I going to help you do it. So don’t even ask that bullshit. If god wanted you dead, you wouldn’t be here right now.”
I take a few deep breaths. “Take me away from here. We could go to America. You know I have citizenship there. You said it yourself—the world is huge. I won’t just disappear. I will let my folks know I’m okay. I just, I can’t be here around all of them and my crazy ex-fiancé. I can’t get better under these conditions. And the doctor, I know what he plans to do—give me mind-numbing drugs. Which sound promising on one hand, but on another, now that I have this idea, I think you could help me. Away from here. And you would still be protecting me, still doing your job.”
Miles sits back in the chair, a surefire sign that he is rejecting my plan. He stares into my eyes, searching, for what I don’t know. “If I do this, Maeve, you can’t be trying to kill yourself. You have to trust me to keep you safe and get better. We would not have more than a business relationship, a friendship, because I think anything more would not be helpful to you at all.”
I sit up in my hospital bed. My head spins. “How long have I been out?” I ask, holding onto my head, hoping to slow down the spinning.
“Three days.”
“Geesh. Okay, I agree, and Miles, thank you so much. I owe you big. I will pay for all of our expenses.”
“Rest now. We can fi
gure it all out. You need to play the role to get your folks not to send you to a lockup psychiatric facility.” He takes out his phone and dials a number. After a few rings he begins speaking. “Mr. O’Malley, sir, your daughter is awake.”
Only minutes go by before my folks noisily make their way into my room. I mean, I can hear them before they even enter.
“Dear Lord, Maeve!” Ma says. “What have you done!” She cries.
“Melanie, please don’t make her feel worse. This is our fault. We should have made sure she was okay. I tell you one thing, that Keegan will never show his face around you or speak ill of you again. I beat him sideways, and I beat his pa too for trying to help him!”
“Da! Really? I wish I was there to see that. He deserved all of it.” That bit of news put a smile on my face. “I’m really sorry about what I did. I don’t even know why I did it. I have just been through so much. I know I need help.”
They both wrap me in a group hug, the kind my family is notorious for. “We will get through this together, love,” Ma says.
Chapter Nine
Miles: Savior in Disguise
I don’t know what my draw to this girl is, unless I’ve turned into the cliché “savior of the damsel in distress” dude. But that can’t be true, because if I was that guy I would have fallen for so many in the past, as a teen, even as a young boy. The savior gene starts early and I never had it. I mean, sure I protected my friends and family growing up, but I never fell for the girl because she needed saving. On the contrary, I have always been attracted to the woman who was confident in herself and brave. Maybe I see that in Maeve even though she doesn’t. She is so much stronger than she thinks, even with the shitty hand she has been dealt.
But this—suicide. Why, because of some shit-for-brains asshole who doesn’t deserve her? These are dangerous waters and I’m getting in way over my head. But hell, I already said yes, because I do believe there is a strength in her that never had a chance to develop, causing her to live in fear.
