by D W Marshall
I am on cloud nine with the way my life has turned out. Never in a million years would I have imagined any of this. Spending time with my Chamber sister? Insane, right? I never thought I would see her again. Vivian mentioned that she has spoken with Sapphire, Sunshine, and Violet—I mean Emmanuella, Whitney, and Brinley—since our release. That is unbelievable and wonderful. I never thought we’d be in touch but the bond we have is undeniable. Perhaps I should reach out to my roommate, Scarlet. The monster named her Raven inside.
I never thought that I would fall in love either. Life is crazy! You start out heading down one road and the terrain can change under your feet. Keegan was a life of dirt and gravel, sharp pointy rocks that bite at the bottoms of your feet, requiring careful thought with each step. But Miles, he is green grass and gorgeous waters. A life with him is breathtaking views, frolicking skips across the green, rolling pasture. I am not saying he is perfect, for no one is. But with Miles I can be the real me. I already fell in love with Miles, and I am ready to fall in love with Maeve.
As I walk with Miles, our arms around each other, I realize that I am not ready to run through the lush grass with him. I don’t deserve to be drenched under the beautiful waterfall, Miles by my side. I am still a work in progress and the rest of this journey I must go alone. If I don’t I will never know if he alone is responsible for my healing or if I had something to do with it. I owe it to myself to see this through on my own, and if Miles is in line at the end of my journey like he said he would be, he will only love me more for my strength and bravery.
And most important—I will love me more too.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Maeve: Inner Strength
We had so much fun tonight. We rode the High Roller twice! Guy’s restaurant was better than promised. Vivian got sunburned! I hadn’t noticed it before—I was too exhausted. I don’t know what she was thinking. She may not have freckles but she is as pale as I am.
When we retire to our rooms for the night I prepare myself for our conversation. I change into my sleep clothes—boy shorts and a tank top. Miles is distracting in plaid pajama bottoms and no shirt. So tempting.
I flop myself down on the center of the bed and sit yoga style with my legs crossed.
Miles is lying on his back. His hand finds my knee and he begins to caress it. “Hi, beautiful.”
“Hi, beautiful yourself,” I say. “I wanted to talk to you about something serious and I don’t think you are going to like it,” I blurt out.
He sits up in bed. Not in alarm or concern, but with interested eyes. “I’m listening,” he says.
I let out a long breath. “I want to start off by saying thank you for everything you have done for me. I want to tell you that I am in the deepest of love with you and I could easily spend the rest of my life with a man like you.” I pause. “No, not a man like you. You, Miles. I could spend the rest of my life with you. I want to do that, you know. Grow old in your arms, still able to kick your butt!”
I laugh but it doesn’t come out right because I am nervous. Miles takes my hand and caresses it. Only love in his gaze.
I continue. “I have to return home. Alone. I don’t want to break up with you. I don’t want to leave you. But I can’t tell if my growth is because of me or all due to you…and I can’t be the person for you until I know for sure that I only need me to get through this life.”
Miles pulls me into a warm hug. His arms caress me. “Well, I can’t say that I didn’t see this coming. I understand that this is an important part of your journey, the last leg. I love you too much to do anything but support you.”
I squeeze him so tight. Tears fall from my eyes. “Will you wait for me?”
“No.”
Shocked, I pull away from him. “What? Why not?” Fear courses through my body. How can I do this without knowing I will still have him in my life?
“Maeve, if there’s one thing I know about life it’s that it could change on a dime. When you are ready I could be anywhere or nowhere at all. You could find that your feelings for me were a matter of the circumstances that you were in and you used me to get you through tough times. I am a realist. You do owe it to yourself to do this. I believe it is time. And I will bid you farewell, best wishes, and we will see what the future holds,” he says.
All I can do is nod in agreement again. I am afraid for the first time in a couple of months, but I can do this.
I booked my flight home while I was in the bathroom changing for bed. I leave in the morning. Miles wraps me in his arms and we fall asleep holding onto each other for what could be the last time.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Miles: Losing My Girl
I am not surprised by what Maeve revealed to me this evening. I respect her for the decision she has made. When she is in a deep sleep I slip my arm out from underneath her and head to the living room. It is so strange to think that all of this is going to end. I pop open a beer and sit back and watch a silent television. I lied when I said I wouldn’t wait for her. I had to. For one thing, if she knew I was going to be there for her at the end, then her leaving proves nothing to her about her strength and character because me waiting in the cut is a sure thing—she can take comfort in that knowledge. This way it’s all on her, all up to her. I could see the fear in her eyes and yet she was still strong enough to stick with her decision. I am so proud of her.
Of course I am going to wait for her. I am in love with every inch of her, body and soul. She is my everything. I have never felt the way I feel about her for any woman in my entire life. I risked everything for her and now I put the faith of our love and our life together in her. I believe that she is truly in love with me, but she doesn’t know it yet because of the circumstances. I can only hope that she will come back to me. My faith in us says she will, but I am not one hundred percent sure.
The next morning, we all wake early. Vivian is upset that Maeve is leaving. But Maeve promises to make the trip to California in August for the wedding. The four of us hit the buffet for breakfast. I hold Maeve’s hand in line. I hold her hand when we are eating. I hold her hand when we leave. I want her to know every step of the way that she is loved no matter what.
We walk her as far as we can at the airport.
“I love you so much and I am so proud of you,” I say.
“I love you too, Miles, with everything in here.” She touches her chest over her heart. Then her lips smash into mine. I dip my tongue into her mouth and pull her as close to me as possible. Tears threaten to fall from my eyes, but I fight them. I can tell my eyes are misty. When we separate her face is wet.
“Head on a swivel, baby. Every scene tells a story. Read your environment,” I remind her.
She nods and wipes her eyes. Next she hugs Dominic.
“You be safe out there. Remember, eye contact shows what?”
“Strength and confidence.” She repeats what we have told them so many times.
He pats her head and smiles like a proud older brother.
Vivian wipes her eyes and rushes into Maeve’s arms. They both sob. This has been so good for them both.
“You better get your shit together and be back for the wedding! And if you see that asshat, Keegan, you beat the shit out of him! You hear me?” she demands.
Fuck me! I am going to have a fucking nervous breakdown. I am just sending the woman I love into the woods for the wolves and bears. What if she falls apart under the pressure? What if she tries to hurt herself again? Fucking Keegan. I need to call in some reinforcements, watch her from afar. If something happens to her I will never forgive myself.
“Miles, I will be fine,” she says, obviously sensing my fear at the mere mention of Keegan’s name. “That fecker isn’t a thought in my mind. Besides, I have been trained by the two best fighters around,” she says and flexes her bicep. It protrudes, the cutest little bump ever, but she is pretty damned strong.
“Okay,” I say and attempt to calm myself, but it is taking everything in me not
to hop on that plane with her.
Again, sensing my apprehension, she takes off and turns back toward our pathetic group. “I love you all! I will miss you all!”
The love of my life vanishes into security and I let go. I know it isn’t supposed to be manly when a guy cries but I don’t give a fuck about society and its dumb-ass norms. My heart is fucking broken and I have to trust that nothing happens to the most important person in my entire world, and she is going to be across international waters!
Vivian and Dominic guide me to a row of seats and offer me comfort.
“I know exactly how you feel, bro. I went through the same type of thing with Vivian. She will come back to you. She loves you.”
“Dominic is right. She and I have talked so many times. You are in her heart, her bones. She’ll be back, she just needs time.”
I nod my head and hope to god that they are right. My heart will not beat the same without her in my life.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Maeve: Home
I can’t believe I was strong enough to say goodbye to Miles. If that is not a show of some gumption on my part, I don’t know what is. I have never been the girl with the balls. Out of my friends, Ciara was always the ballsy one. In The Chamber that honor was bestowed on Sapphire, Flame, and Raven, or Emmanuella, Vivian, and Scarlet. No one would ever add my name to that list until now. But the funny thing is I don’t even really care what list I land on anymore. I gave up the love of my life in pursuit of finding myself and I don’t give a flying feck what anyone thinks about me anymore.
This is the second time that I am returning home to Ireland. This time is different because I have no false hopes, no delusions that this place or the people within the walls of my home can cure me. That, I learned, is no one else’s job but mine. My healing isn’t dependent on friends, family, or a man.
I owed it to myself to finally open my eyes to see that.
To stand on my own two feet.
I’m not saying Miles didn’t help, because he did. Him wanting me and showing me that my experiences don’t define me was a colossal part of my journey. Still, I associated my healing with him, and while he is an amazing man, I was wrong because I needed to make sure that my healing was ultimately because of me.
Our breakup, though initiated by me, was mutual. He was incredible even in the face of losing me, proving once again that he is the perfect man for me. And still I was strong enough to say goodbye.
We always knew there were lines we shouldn’t have crossed, and I am thankful that Miles cares enough for me to help me draw the lines back where they were. Making love to him was also valuable at the time, because before him the only sexual relationships I had besides with Keegan were at The Chamber. To experience such love and tenderness with a man who loves me was like bathing in healing waters. We set out to keep our relationship platonic and failed epically—thank goodness for that, because I needed every tender touch, every caress, every loving smile and kiss on my journey.
The choices I made to leave him and all that he offers me behind will be my power now and forever. Sure, I miss him. I miss him so much that it hurts. But this isn’t about him, it’s about me. I will forever be grateful for all that he taught me, and I will always love him, but it feels fecking amazing to finally fall in love with myself.
Maeve standing on her own two feet.
Maeve not second-guessing her choices.
Maeve living a life without fear.
My time in Las Vegas will always be special to me. Though it wasn’t long, I am a pretty good shot with a handgun, I have a developing second sight, and with two months of intensive self-defense training from Miles and Dominic I am no longer afraid.
This time, no surprises. My folks know I am coming. Two months, that’s how long my absence was this time. I use my key and open the door. It is the middle of the day so the twins are in school. They will be excited to see me, but I have kept in regular contact with them as well as my folks.
“Ma! Da! I’m home,” I yell into the open space.
“In the kitchen, love,” Ma’s voice calls out to me.
Ma is busying herself at the stove and whatever she is cooking smells divine. I missed my ma. I do hope that she understands the purpose of my departure. “Hi, Ma. It smells delicious. You didn’t have to go to the trouble of cooking for me,” I say and wrap my arms around her with her back to me.
“Rubbish.” She turns and hugs me. “My darling girl is home. Let me get a look at you,” she says, stretching her arms out, pushing me arm’s distance from her. “You look amazing, dear. I mean it,” she says, squeezing my body in places. She doesn’t say anything, but I know she feels the firmness under her hands.
I hug her again, but only so that I can steal a look into the pot.
“You get out of that pot this instant,” she says, catching me.
“Chili?” I ask.
“Yes, chili.”
“But you’ve never made chili before, Ma.”
“Well,” she says, motioning for me to have a seat with her at the table, “you’re not the only one trying new things around here. I’ve been experimenting with dishes from all over the world. You would be surprised at how much the twins love Buffalo wings!”
I can’t do anything but laugh. She is playing the part, but I can see that she is relieved that I am home.
“So how are you, love?”
“I’m actually a lot better. I realized that I am not this unlucky girl. Sure, the things that happened to me sucked and were awful, but I’m not the only one who has gone through shite, Ma. Miles taught me so much. I can really take care of myself. I’m not gonna stop my training either. I will be so lethal, people will want to hire me to protect them.”
“Maeve!”
“What?!”
“That’s what your security is for.”
“Rubbish! I don’t need random men walking around protecting me, Ma! I can stand up for myself now!” I should have known that I would be met with resistance on this. But I will not be accompanied by security this time. “Let Da know I’m home. I’m going to go see my friends.”
“Maeve! Wait!”
I don’t respond.
I haven’t driven my car since I was taken. My little white two-door Audi is parked in its usual spot in the garage. I don’t hop right in. Even though it’s in my own garage, safe and tucked away, I use my second pair of eyes and assess. That is what Miles taught me—always take in my surroundings, and listen. Scan the nearby and the faraway. When I am satisfied that all is well I hop in.
I zip out onto the road and it feels amazing. I feel free.
I haven’t been alone like this in forever. I’m not anxious or worried. For the first time in years I am happy in my skin. Not like Vegas. I was happy in Vegas too and I could have stayed in my little love bubble with Miles forever. This is different. I have no one else to attribute my current euphoric state to but me. I don’t expect anyone to sweep in and save the day any longer. That’s my job.
When I pull up to the Finnegan’s pub in Dalkey I do what I am trained to do. I take in my scenery. A few parked cars, couples walking holding hands, a couple of men walking alone, and two packs of men walking in groups. The sky is typically cloudy, just the way I like it. I climb out of my car, hit the lock button on my key fob and reassess my surroundings as I walk around my car toward the sidewalk. A tall man of muscular build, with dark blond hair and two tattooed sleeves walks in my direction. The entrance to Finnegan’s is about one hundred feet away. He is wearing Doc Martens, skinny jeans. I would guess his age close to mine. As he and I grow closer to crossing paths, I take the opportunity to glance into a storefront window. Miles taught me that storefront windows can be very telling. It allows you a larger scene grab without having to turn your head. For example, if several men were approaching me from different angles, I would see them before they were upon me. All of these things are automatic for me now. I don’t really give them much thought, just a natural part of
my travels. Satisfied that my surroundings are still clear, I continue forward. When my path crosses with the blond stranger, I make eye contact with him. Something the old me would have never done—I would have naturally averted my gaze. Submissive.
Not anymore.
“Hello, beautiful,” he says.
“Hello,” I say, and offer him a smile that says I am going about my business; say no more to me.
When I make it into the pub I see my girls already inside. I rush toward them. I have missed them so much.
“Where is your highly paid security force?” Ciara asks me.
“Gone. I don’t need them,” I say proudly.
“And Miles? You don’t need him, either?” Saoirse asks.
Silence.
My friends are smart girls. They sit and wait me out.
“Okay, needs and wants. What are you asking me? I mean, of course I want him. I am in love with him,” I admit.
“Oh my! I am so happy for you, Maeve,” Ciara says.
“Me too. You deserve to fall in love with an amazing guy,” Saoirse says.
I notice that my friends are careful not to bring up two subjects. “Listen, ladies, it has been a stellar year. I was released from being kidnapped, found out my ex-fiancé is a douche, and tried to off myself.”
They share worried looks. I roll my eyes at both of them.
“If I can survive that, and I have, then I owe it to myself to not need anyone but myself. So I walked away from Miles. I had to. It wasn’t healthy for me to go from loving the douche to falling for the next man that came along, especially since he rescued me. This right here is healthy, hanging with my girls,” I say and we proceed to wrap ourselves in a big, loving hug.
