Kelly turned her head away. “Let’s not do this. Let’s not keep on arguing. I’ve made up my mind, and that’s that.”
She was quiet for a moment, and then she turned back and put a soft hand on my cheek. She smiled, her beautiful smile, and looked at me, her brown eyes full of sympathy and love. Whatever she might say, whatever she might do, I knew that she loved me—best. But this realization only made me feel worse, like my lifestyle would always hang between us. Like we’d both have to settle for second best because she was too afraid to take a chance. I had always thought Kelly was too impulsive, but this was the dumbest time to play things safe. I wanted so much to convince her of this and make her see things the way I did. But she wanted me to respect her decision, so I didn’t say a word.
Kelly spoke, her voice husky and soft, a voice I heard in my dreams—would hear forever. “This is it, tonight is our last night together. Let’s make it awesome.”
So we did.
26
Double Negative
My girlfriends were right. The only excuse that a guy would accept was another guy. While I hated hurting Jimmy’s feelings, I knew what he was like. He was into achieving his goals, and along the way, I had become one of them. He needed to find a girlfriend better suited to his new lifestyle, and the only way for that to happen was to let him believe I had moved on. Otherwise, he’d keep trying to convince me that things could work out.
Should I have slept with him last night? No. But I wanted to—so much. Of course it was fantastic, and that had made our parting even more difficult. Saying goodbye and watching the door close behind him—for the very last time—was agonizing. I stayed strong though. Now that he knew things were over, we wouldn’t see each other again. And we’d never cross paths by accident; he was too big a deal to even come to the radio station for an interview. As painful as this was, I knew it was the right thing.
One down and one to go.
Now I had to break up with Phil as well, but I couldn’t use the same approach. We lived in the same city and had so many friends in common that there was no way to avoid each other. This time I’d have to use the truth—and that was going to be a harder sell.
Since I was so nervous, I suggested that we go for a walk along False Creek. If we kept moving, I would feel more comfortable.
“So, how’s everything?” I asked him.
“What’s up, Kel?” he asked. As usual, he could read my mood.
“I’ve made up my mind,” I told him.
His eyes narrowed. “No fucking way. You’re going to Chicago?”
“No, not that.”
Now he looked puzzled. He made a tentative move to put his arms around me, but stopped. “If it’s good news, why are you acting so weird?”
“Phil, I can’t be with you either. I just want to be alone right now.”
“Alone? This was all your idea, and now you’re changing the rules. You’re going to have to explain this to me.” Phil didn’t seem angry, only confused.
“Well, take our game the other night. I realized that I’d rather be playing hockey and enjoying the game—not having to deal with all the drama and….” I made air quotes. “…‘feelings’ that you and Jimmy were generating. I hate all this emotional crap. The whole idea that women are the ones who want to get serious and committed is a crock. It’s guys who always want to tie you down. I’m sick of it.”
“You’re sounding pretty militant, Sparky.” Phil wore a puzzled frown. “You’re right though. I have to admit I’ve acted like an idiot in the past few months. I’ve been working a ton, and I’ve been jealous.” He stopped and put his hands on my shoulders. I looked up at him and he smiled.
“Can we start again? Just the two of us—dating like we used to. I’ll be on my best behaviour.”
He leaned down to kiss me, but I put my hands against his chest. “No. Are you not listening to me? I don’t want a boyfriend right now.” I tried hard to explain why. “I need to work and feel like I can take care of myself.”
Phil raised an eyebrow. “I think you can handle being a receptionist and dating.”
“Gee, thanks. I know it’s not a good job, but it’s my start.”
It might take a year, but if I could get the internship position, that would be my first step up. What I craved was independence. I could see that money gave both Jimmy and Phil lots of options. I wasn’t making a ton of money, but I was good at saving. I could start paying down my student loans anyway.
“Look, Kelly, if you’re going to stay in Vancouver anyway, why don’t we go out?”
“No. What would be the point?”
“The point is that I don’t think you really know your mind. We haven’t had a real relationship yet—the physical side is huge for you. Why don’t we try that first, and then you can make up your mind.” This was typical; if I had said I was choosing Jimmy, Phil would have accepted it. But if I said I wanted to be alone, he couldn’t believe it.
“See, this is our problem. You think you know better than me all the time. I’ve changed since high school, but you never seem to get that. The point of dating both of you was to make up my mind. And I have—just not in the way anyone was expecting.”
“All you have to do is talk to me. I can step back if you think I’m too bossy. I do appreciate you, and I can change.” Phil sounded apologetic, but I could tell that he still wasn’t hearing me. And that feeling of pressure made me more certain I was doing the right thing.
“I’m really sorry, but it’s not going to work. Nothing is turning out the way I hoped it would. And if it’s any consolation, I’m miserable about this.”
He cradled my face in his hands. “That’s not a consolation, Kel. I want you to be happy.” The gentle note in his voice lowered my defences, and I stayed still as his face moved closer to mine. His kiss began softly and then became demanding, pulling a familiar desire from within me. My mouth responded automatically to his, and a liquid heat began to bubble up between us. Phil’s kiss took me back to all those times in his basement when sex was new and wondrous.
We kept kissing right in the middle of the footpath, until a runner suggested we get the hell out of the way.
Breathless, I sat down on a nearby bench, and Phil followed.
“You can’t deny what we have between us,” he said.
“Of course I’m attracted to you. You didn’t have to kiss me to prove that.”
Phil put his arm around me. “Then, what? You’re the woman I love, Kelly. And I’m pretty sure that you feel the same….” His voice trailed off, and he watched me closely as I nodded.
However, Phil didn’t understand. I did love him, but I loved Jimmy more. But Jimmy was so complicated; he had issues I couldn’t deal with. He was changing and getting bigger and more demanding all the time. His personality and lifestyle felt overwhelming, and I didn’t think I could handle all the crap that came with being his girlfriend. It was self-preservation.
Phil and I had loads of fun together, but it seemed like so much of the same thing—a continuation of what we’d always had. I liked the excitement and newness of being with Jimmy. After everything I had done and accomplished since high school, I didn’t want to come home and be exactly what I could have been if I’d never left. I wanted more. I had to make Phil understand this.
“Don’t you think I would pick you if I could? We’re perfect together. We have the same friends and the same history. I wouldn’t have to quit my job and turn my life upside down—we could just date and have fun. And yes, the sex would be incredible. But I can’t choose you, Phil. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
He stared at me for a long moment. Phil was the smartest person I knew, and suddenly everything clicked into place for him. “Oh Christ, I think I’m getting it now. But if you’re so into him, why didn’t you go to Chicago?”
I shrugged. “Weirdly, I don’t think I’m what he needs, and more importantly, I don’t think he’s the same person he used to be.”
At th
e end of the day, that was it. Being in the NHL had changed Jimmy a lot. He was willing to come out here and put up with my request to get to know each other again. But he never even considered the possibility that he might lose me, that a normal guy like Phil could ever be his rival. It was that overconfidence, that arrogance that I hated. He was a different person now, more sophisticated, more confident, and more complicated. He needed a girlfriend who could navigate the whole Chicago scene with him, not—as I had been told—someone as naïve and innocent as me.
But, logically, knowing all that didn’t mean I wasn’t still into him. So much so that even though I understood that Phil was the better match for me—I still preferred Jimmy. And I couldn’t do that to Phil. He deserved someone who could love and appreciate him wholeheartedly. It seemed like both guys needed someone who was not me.
I was so deep in thought that I hadn’t seen the transformation as Phil took everything in. His posture was slightly slumped, and he was looking off into the distance with a strange uncertainty about him. Instinctively, I put my arms around his waist and hugged him.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered into the hollow at the base of his throat.
Phil wrapped his arms around me. “We were meant to be together.” His voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. “Please, Kel. I’ve loved you for so long—almost since the day I saw you. There’s never been anyone who comes close to you.”
I was shaking my head, but when I looked up I could see everything that Phil was feeling in his face. He was usually so controlled and distant, but everything had fallen away and I could see the pain I was causing him. I didn’t know I could feel worse than I had this morning—but now I did. Phil had been so good to me for so long and had been my best friend forever. Now not only had I hurt him deeply, but I realized that I was losing his friendship too. We could never get past my refusal.
“Oh God, Phil. I’m so sorry. I love you, really, and I always will. But you deserve more—” I stopped as hot tears flooded my eyes. Now it was Phil who held me and patted my back until the sobbing stopped. Finally he released me.
“Good luck with everything, Kel,” he said in a voice that was almost back to normal. And he got up and walked away.
27
Shake It Off
Not surprisingly, hurting the two guys I cared about most in the world made me feel quite depressed. Arthur was the first one to notice.
“I believe that the receptionist is supposed to smile,” he said one morning. “Are you having boy trouble?”
I shook my head. More like no trouble. Since I was trying to avoid Phil, my social life was non-existent. The only event on this week’s calendar was an invitation to dinner—from my parents.
“Where are your two hunks anyway? I haven’t seen flowers or chocolates around the reception desk for ages.”
I lowered my voice. “I’m not dating either of them anymore. But I’d appreciate if you kept that to yourself.” The only positive effect of the dating game was that nobody hit on me anymore.
“Kelly! You don’t throw away the keepers.” Arthur shook his head. I just added Arthur to the list of people who disapproved.
Even April didn’t understand, and she had lectured me. “I don’t get it. One minute you’re saying how Phil and Jimmy were the two best guys you ever dated, and the next minute you’re dumping both of them. Phil is not a happy camper, you know.”
“Really? I hope he’s okay.” I felt a ton of guilt already, and hearing this made me feel worse.
April looked closely at me and then said, “He’s a big boy and he can handle it. It’s about time someone broke up with him.”
Also I was going have to find a new hockey team in the fall. Because I broke up with him, I decided that Phil had custody of our hockey team and our high school friends. Which didn’t leave me a hell of a lot to do. I focused on work and working out. And in the meantime, I was saving a ton of money by not going out.
* * *
One day at work, Ruby asked me to come for a chat in the small boardroom during my lunch break.
“Whew, it’s nice to get the weight off,” she said, lowering herself into the chair. Ruby was pregnant, and she had ballooned up lately. Instead of her usual hummingbird pace, she had slowed to human speed.
“Yeah, I’m sure. When is your due date, anyway?”
“I’m due on Labour Day. I know, what a joke, right?” She exhaled audibly. “Anyway, I want to talk to you about something. We need someone to replace me while I’m on mat leave for six months.”
“I thought Ravi was going to do that.” He had the internship I was hoping to get next year.
“He was, but he’s decided to go back to school instead. I think he’s doing an MBA. Thanks for wasting our training, nimrod. ” Ruby’s curled lip expressed her disgust with Ravi, especially since he had left her in the lurch. “Anyway, I was talking to Cheryl, and we think you could do the job.”
“Me?” I didn’t need to tell Ruby that I had no technical experience or education. Her job was one I had targeted already, but I thought I’d need a lot more experience.
“Yes, it’s a stretch, but you’re smart and you learn fast. The two main qualities you need are creativity and the ability to think on your feet.”
“Creativity? I’m not really creative—despite all my mom’s efforts with art classes.”
“I don’t mean artistic ability. What I’m talking about is thinking up ideas—like new ways to cover the same old stories. Everyone contributes, but the producer should be the one bringing a fresh angle to the show meetings.”
I nodded. “Sure, I think I could do that.” It was something I’d thought about for years—all the extra parts of sports stories I wished I could hear. I was interested in motivation, background, and development aspects.
She looked at her organizer. “If you can come in early mornings until Cheryl finds your replacement, we can start your training right away. Hopefully, you’ll get to work fulltime with me before I leave. Which could be any day based on how I’m feeling.” She rubbed the small of her back and winced.
I must have looked panicked, because she laughed. “Don’t worry, first babies are often late. Oh, there’s one thing I have to make clear—once I’m back there are no guarantees. I mean, you can probably get the receptionist job back, but you’re not going to start being a fulltime producer or anything. Still, getting any experience will be good for you.”
I nodded. “This is incredible. Thank you so much.” This was probably why I was getting the morning gig. Nobody wanted to leave their jobs if they’d only get bumped in a few months.
Ruby smiled. “No problem. We women have to stick together right? Now that I’ve talked to you, I’ll tell the boys.”
Randall Blewett and Andrew Zimmerman were the morning duo on C2C Sports Radio, better known to their mostly male listeners as Randy and Andy. They tried to be controversial all the time but mainly sounded dated and sexist. But that was only my opinion, and a twenty-something woman was not their target audience. They were both nice, but I didn’t think they saw me as a potential producer.
“Do you think they’ll be okay with this?”
She made a little face. “Let’s be blunt, since you’re going to find this out soon enough. They prefer to hang out with guys like Ravi, who suck up and make them feel young and connected. But they also know who really gets the work done around here, which is how I got my job. I’ll explain that I’m supporting you, and the transition will be seamless. They might squeal a little, but they’ll come around.” Ruby was so confident and sure of her opinions. Could I be half as self-assured?
But this was just the kind of break I’d been hoping for. When I turned down both guys, it was also a decision to focus on myself and my career. And now, at least I’d have a real career. It was temporary, but who knew what it could lead to? For the first time in over a month, I felt optimistic.
For the rest of August, I worked hard with Ruby early every morning. After two weeks of worki
ng from 5:00am to 5:00pm, Cheryl finally found a replacement for me, and I could focus on my new job. Ruby was straightforward and extremely generous in sharing her contact lists and advice.
“I don’t want you calling me once I’m off work,” she joked.
“I’m sure something will come up that I’ll have no clue about,” I said.
“Use your common sense,” Ruby said. Then she rubbed her huge tummy. “You know, Kelly, I think this baby will be soon. Mother’s intuition.”
I felt alarmed. What was I supposed to do if her water broke here in the control room?
But luckily for me, Ruby’s baby was born on a weekend. Specifically, the Saturday of the Labour Day weekend. She sent me a text letting me know I’d be on my own—the start of my new career.
“Well, it’s good to be back in the saddle again,” Andy declared on our first show after Labour Day. “Everything’s back to normal—except one thing, right?”
Randy laughed. “Yes. Regular listeners will know that our usual dominatrix, er, producer, Mistress Ruby just had a baby.” He nodded at us through the window. Salty, the board operator, cued the crying baby sound. That was the other reason I could do this job: the morning show used more complicated musical and sound effects, so there a specialist to handle the technical aspects. “Yes, it’s a boy! Congratulations to Ruby and Derek.”
Andy’s eyes flickered over me. “Well, we’ve got a new producer now. And I have to say, Mistress Ruby’s been very kind to us, wouldn’t you say, Randy?”
“Oh my yes. We now have the station’s hottest producer.” Randy smirked at me. It wasn’t tough to be the station’s hottest producer since I was the only woman. “Too bad this is not TV, folks, because Kelly is very easy on the eyes.”
I rested my forehead on the control board. This was so not the way I wanted to begin my radio career. It also wasn’t something we went through in the show meeting yesterday.
Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part Three Page 16
