35
Doggy-style
After only three weeks of “training,” Bernie gave up and decided to throw me into the fire. But we both knew I wasn’t ready yet and he didn’t want to lower our programming quality, so he chose my assignments carefully. Any hockey event that nobody was interested in, I got to cover. Rink maintenance, minor hockey stuff, fundraisers, old-timer tournaments, heart-warming kid stories, crazed fans—I got them all. But never the Canucks, of course, and even important junior hockey stories went to someone else. But since I was taking up part of the salary pool, Bernie wanted content he could at least run during the hours that nobody was watching.
Although we were supposed to rotate and work with different cameramen, I usually ended up with the same guy, Zack McConnell. He was a nice guy, but a stoner who couldn’t always be relied upon to perform properly. Luckily, given the calibre of stories we were doing, filming quality was never an issue.
One morning, Zack and I were driving out to Langley in the C2C Sports van.
“Well, Zack, I think this story may be a new low—even for me.”
“Coolio. What’s shaking?”
“We are interviewing a dog who plays hockey. I have to ask, did anyone actually do these stories before I got here? Or have they been saving them up?”
“No clue,” he replied. I wondered if he was stoned right now. If so, I should be driving the van.
“Zack, did you do something wrong to get stuck working with the station pariah?”
“Who’s that?”
“Me.”
That puzzled him for a bit. “Oh hey, well, I guess it was the video.”
“What video?” Talking to him took patience.
“Well, I filmed my girlfriend and I doing it, you know, doggy-style.”
“And?” I wanted to get that image out of my mind as quickly as possible. Zack was about 5’10” and 130 pounds of snow-whiteness.
“I accidentally handed that video in, when we were, you know, doing the highlights of the Giants’ game.”
“And they ran it?”
“Yeah, nobody checked it first. Sandy announced, ‘In WHL action tonight, the Giants came from behind to dominate the Cougars, and here are the highlights.’ And then they, you know, ran the video.”
I was cracking up, and Zack chuckled too.
“You must have gotten a lot of complaints.”
“Well, hey, actually that was the weird part, we didn’t get any. Probably why I didn’t get fired, right? I figured our viewers were the kind of guys who pay to see that shit, you know?”
More likely we didn’t have any viewers awake at that time. And I would pay a lot not to see Zack’s skinny white butt.
We got to the Langley farmhouse with the canine Gretzky. The whole family was waiting for us: Walter, Dorothy, and Bandit the golden retriever. They were very excited about being on TV.
“Oh, the kids wanted to be here too, but they had to work,” Dorothy explained. She had cookies and coffee ready for us, which was very sweet. Zack inhaled the food.
“I hope you’re not disappointed, Dot,” said Walter.
“Shush up,” she said and blushed pink.
“Dot was hoping that they would send Jeremy Ormiston. She thinks he’s quite the looker.” Jeremy was the top reporter at the station. I could not imagine his expression if he were asked to spend three hours on the road to interview a dog.
“Jeremy has to work the Canucks game tonight,” I explained.
“I don’t believe we’ve seen you on TV before, dear,” said Dorothy.
Most people who slept at night hadn’t. I smiled brightly.
“You’ll have to let us know when this will be on, so we can let everyone know.”
“Gosh, Dorothy, it probably won’t be on during prime time hours. But I will tell you so you can record it.”
Walter had created a mini-rink in his basement with painted-on lines and two small nets. Bandit had actually been trained to carry a mini-stick in his mouth, but he did most of the puck handling with his front paws. It was very cute to see him moving the puck down and score a goal. I hoped like hell that Zack was getting good video. Last week, when I interviewed this little girl who had raised money for Canucks Place, the tops of our heads weren’t even in the frame.
I asked Dorothy and Walter some questions about how Bandit first started doing this, and how they had trained him. I was wrapping things up when she interrupted me.
“Kelly, would you like to play hockey with Bandit?”
“Me?”
“Yes, he loves it when someone gets down on the floor with him. Walter would do it, but his knees are so arthritic.”
I checked out Dorothy’s knees, they looked fine but she didn’t seem inclined to kneel down either. Zack smiled vaguely, but that was his normal reaction to everything.
“Um, okay. What does he like to do?”
“You could play goal,” suggested Walter. “Try to keep him from scoring. He loves that.”
I took off my jacket and rolled up my sleeves. Was there no end to the glamour in my life?
Walter handed me a mini-stick. Bandit did seem to perk up as soon as I got down to his level and got into position. He started to growl softly and circled the puck away from me.
“C’mon, Bandit,” I said. “Show me what you’ve got.”
He came straight in and pushed the puck towards the left side of the net. I flicked out the mini-stick and made the save. The puck hit the far wall and Bandit looked surprised. Well, as surprised as a golden retriever with a mini-stick in his mouth could look. My reflexes must have been faster than Walter’s.
Dorothy urged him on and Bandit took another attempt, on my right this time, but I saved that as well. I wondered if I was being too competitive, and I should let the dog score—like you would with a small child. But Walter found it quite funny and laughed loudly.
“Golly, Bandit. Looks like you met your match.”
The dog dropped the stick and picked up the puck in his mouth. He eyed me and made a mad dash. Maybe he was trying to go five-hole, but since I was kneeling on the ground there was no five-hole. 75 pounds of dog velocity hit me and knocked me onto the floor. As I fell, my mini-stick came up and whacked him in the nose. Bandit started whining pitifully, and Dorothy dashed over.
“Bandit! Are you okay? Did the mean lady hurt you? My poor baby.”
Walter and Zack ran over too. I looked up at them through the mesh of the tipped plastic net. Walter pointed down like a ref. “Goal.” And Zack was filming the whole thing.
* * *
Any hopes I had that the whole embarrassing ending of that video would not be seen by my coworkers were dashed the next day. As I walked to my desk, someone went, “Woof!” Then someone on the other side of the bullpen yelped.
“Has everyone seen the tape?” I wondered aloud. They all replied by barking. I realized they were all mocking me, but I had seen the playback and it was funny. And if looking like an idiot was a reason to get fired, a lot of people would be in trouble.
I laughed along with them. It wasn’t like we were all going to be friends, but I think people were softening. I was working hard and I wasn’t afraid to laugh at myself. And after that, my new nickname became Doggy-style. It wasn’t perfect, but it was marginally better than BJ.
36
Blonde Ambition
James
* * *
After the game, J.J. and I walked out of the dressing room together.
“Nice game, man,” I told him. J.J. had scored a big goal in the second. We had a come-from-behind victory over Columbus, and we now had a four game win streak going. This season was going great.
“Vous aussi,” he told me with a grin. “What are you doing now?”
“I’m meeting Astrid, and we’re going for dinner. You want to come?”
His friendly expression fell away. “Sorry, Freeze. Can’t.”
“What’s going on?” I asked. Last year we had gone out together aft
er almost every game, but lately he seemed to be avoiding me. “Is something wrong?”
“It’s Cherie,” he said. “She doesn’t like your girlfriend. No, vraiment—she hates her.” He shrugged. “Women, right? Mais, I don’t want to start any trouble.”
“Trouble? They can’t sit together for dinner without a food fight breaking out?” He was being a wuss.
“You know nothing of this? There was a meeting for a team fundraiser or something, Cherie had done a bunch of work for this fashion show, and Astrid told her to scrap it because they were doing a wine tasting instead.” He shrugged. “According to Astrid, the captain’s girlfriend is in charge.”
I winced. I really didn’t want her causing trouble. Team harmony was important, and I had heard that family feuds could poison the atmosphere. “I’ll talk to her.”
“Don’t do it on my account,” he said with a laugh. “I’m only explaining why we can’t come for dinner. I try not to get involved.”
Astrid and I went out to dinner with some of my teammates and their girlfriends. I liked all the guys on the team, but I suddenly realized that my good friends like J.J., Baller, Mac, and Wheels weren’t in the group we socialized with.
Afterwards, we went back to my place. Astrid was sitting in my living room and looking at her phone. She always sat with perfect upright posture. I didn’t really want to start a fight tonight, but I figured it was my responsibility.
“Hey, Astrid.”
She smiled at me. Sometimes I forgot how beautiful she was, until I really looked at her. Her delicate features and her smooth blonde hair—she looked like the kind of girlfriend I’d always wanted.
“I was talking to J.J. tonight. He said there was some kind of thing with Cherie?”
Astrid’s blue eyes widened. “Not really. Cherie had an idea for a very tacky fundraising event, but I recommended that we do something much classier—more in keeping with the image of the Blackhawks.”
“What’s so tacky about a fashion show?” I wondered honestly.
She was indignant. “I can’t believe she tattled. How immature. And a fashion show put on by amateurs—like wives and girlfriends—is bound to be a failure. Whereas a properly-run wine tasting event is the epitome of sophistication.”
“But isn’t it kind of self-serving—” I began. I stopped when Astrid’s face went red and furrowed.
“Because I’m in the business? Au contraire. I am able to get special discounts and access to rare wines that normally would be out of reach.”
“Look, the main thing is that everyone gets along. If there are feuds among the wives and girlfriends, that can lead to issues in the room. The team is the most important thing.”
“James, I’m a business person. I understand that perfectly. It’s only having to deal with these amateurs who have nothing better to do than gossip and criticize.”
I was pretty sure that Cherie ran a public relations business, but I didn’t want Astrid to get more upset. “Please—try to get along with the other women. It’s important to me.”
She switched gears in an instant. “Of course. I would never want to upset you.” She was smiling at me with her head tilted and her blonde hair falling in a shiny curtain framing her beautiful face. She patted the seat beside her. “Come here and tell me all about the game.”
I sat beside her on the couch. “Well, I thought we came out with a real team effort tonight. The thing about a winning streak is that you can get lazy. You start to assume the win instead of being prepared, especially with a lesser opponent. But this season, we’ve shown that we have the mental toughness, you know, you want to build on—”
I stopped speaking because she wasn’t really listening.
She blinked, her long lashes hitting her cheeks like tiny fans. I knew her eyelashes were fake because I found one in my bed after she had slept over.
“Keep going, James,” she urged me.
“Why? You’re not even listening,” I said.
“I’m sorry. I thought you had an amazing game. That goal you scored was so good.”
“Thanks,” I said. Goals were the only thing that most fans noticed. I thought my best play of the night was coming back to prevent the 3-on-1 from developing. Or maybe doing all the work behind the net to set up Wheels on the winner. I didn’t even get an assist, so she’d have to understand hockey to get that.
“I guess I’m a little distracted. I was sitting with Evangeline, and did you know that she and Arthur got engaged?”
“Really? Now?” This didn’t seem like a good time to get engaged. We were in the middle of the season and everyone needed to focus on hockey. Summer was the time for big personal stuff. But Trapper had been going out with her for years and they lived together, so maybe it wasn’t a big deal. Teammates were always doing stuff like that—like having a baby in the middle of the season and then showing up exhausted to the rink. Personally, I would plan all my kids to arrive in the off-season. It wasn’t that hard to count up to nine.
Astrid nestled in closer to me. She always smelled like flowers. She craned her neck up and kissed me. Then she ran her hand through my hair.
“Did you make an appointment at that hairdressing place I recommended?”
“Uh, not yet.” I had been busy and forgotten about it.
“I’ll make one for you. You know it’s important to get your hair cut before you think you need it. Since you’re the captain, your appearance is so important. You don’t want to look like a kid, right?”
A moment ago I thought we were going to make out, and now I was getting a lecture on my image. But then she started kissing me again.
“Mmmm, nice,” she said. “I am sooooo looking forward to tonight.”
I looked at my watch. “Okay. But I need to get to sleep early.” We were having a practice and then taking off for quick road trip.
She looked sulky for a moment. But then she reached over and undid the top two buttons of my shirt. She pulled it open and licked my nipple. I groaned and she licked the other one.
“James?” Astrid used this little girl voice when she really wanted something. “Do you ever think about that stuff?”
“Sex? Yeah, all the time.”
“No, not sex. Settling down, getting engaged.”
Cripes. Well, we’d been going out for a few months now. Anyway, this was how things should be, the chick was supposed to be the one who wanted to settle down and the guy was the one who resisted getting tied down. Astrid was a few years older than me as well. But I didn’t want her getting the wrong idea. I really liked her, but this was too soon.
“I have a life plan,” I explained honestly. “I’m not getting married until I win the Stanley Cup. I need to be focused only on my career goals before I do anything else.”
“Oh.” Astrid sounded a little disappointed, but she kept unbuttoning my shirt. “Do you want to fool around in here, or take this show to the bedroom?”
“Bedroom,” I said. I had an early practice tomorrow, and I wanted to fall asleep right after.
37
Happy Holidays
As low man on the totem pole, I was going to have to work all during Christmas. I was the on-call reporter in case anything happened. My mom was completely unimpressed that I had to miss a lot of holiday events with my friends and family.
April insisted that I attend Ben’s Christmas party—no matter how late I might get there. It was going to be at his new townhouse in Yaletown. The fact that he could afford a townhouse showed how well he was doing. Of course, his family wealth gave him a head start—success always seemed to be about connections.
“Isn’t Phil going to be there?” I asked.
“Of course he is,” she replied. “But you guys will have to meet again sometime. And anyway, he has a new girlfriend.”
“He does?” I asked. It wasn’t a huge surprise to me, but sometimes the essential unfairness of life struck me. While I genuinely wanted Phil to be happy, I wished that my life had more balance. Many ni
ghts I wished for someone to talk to at the end of a frustrating day. Someone who would take my side, regardless. Once or twice, I even picked up my cell to call—well, I didn’t even know who I would call.
Ben’s townhouse was absolutely gorgeous. I think April had been involved in some of the decorating choices. She certainly spent enough time here. Between my long hours and her busy social life, I hardly saw her these days.
I felt a little nervous, but Ben was as sweet as ever.
“Kelly! It’s great to see you.” He gave me a big hug. “How’s work going?”
“Oh, fine.” He didn’t want to hear how I was bashing my head against a brick wall all day long.
“I haven’t seen you on television yet,” he commented.
“Uh, well, you have to stay up pretty late to catch anything I’ve done.”
“I saw you go one-on-one with the golden retriever—a new journalistic high,” said a familiar voice behind me.
I turned around. “Hey, Phil.” I hugged him, but his body remained stiff and straight. He looked very handsome—as usual. The disdain in his expression was new though. The dog piece was the one I was most infamous for. It had the most website hits of any video on our website this month. “I know, I’m still learning.”
“The main thing is that you have a real career. Because that’s your big priority, right? Other than dating crappy Canucks prospects.”
I glanced over at Ben, who at least looked embarrassed. I couldn’t believe he told Phil about Peter Haines.
“We went out to dinner once. That’s hardly dating.”
So this was how things were going to be between us from now on. If Phil wanted to crap all over me, that was his choice. I was hoping for something better though.
“How’s your job going?” I asked politely.
“Good. Busy, though.” Phil looked over my shoulder.
A dark-haired woman in a slinky black dress walked up and passed Phil a beer. “Here’s your drink, babe.”
Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part Three Page 21
