Man, I was starting to feel it already. Luckily, Jimmy was too. He started talking in that blabbing way I remembered from UMaine. “Some nights everything goes in, it’s so sweet. But you have to hold back, for sportsmanship, y’know. Not in the NHL of course, it’s waaaay harder, but in minor hockey you can get teams that aren’t at your level.”
I felt dizzy. Jimmy kept talking. “When I was a kid, I used to think about maybe setting a record for the most goals ever in a game, but you don’t wanna kick a team when they’re down, and my parents would chew me out afterwards if they thought I was showboating.” He kept talking, but I wasn’t really listening because I could hardly concentrate.
I felt nauseous already, but I had to ask.
“Jimmy?”
He looked over at me, all blurry and goofy. “Kelly, have I told you how much I love you? ’Cause I love you a lot.”
Wow, that was sweet—and the truth. I suddenly felt guilty. Maybe I should leave this thing alone. Maddy did that, and she was happy.
Screw it. That was not me. I was frigging Nancy Drew, always trying to solve mysteries.
“Jimmy, what happened on the road trip? The long one?”
“Why are you asking me that?”
“I don’t know. It was a bunch of things.” I couldn’t explain my convoluted thought process now.
“Was it Wheels? He said he would keep his mouth shut.” Jimmy looked away from me and had another drink of beer. “I don’t wanna tell you.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’ll be mad. I don’t want you to get mad.”
“Why would I be mad?”
“’Cause it’s bad.”
“Tell me, Jimmy. Please.”
“Do you promise not to get mad?”
“Sure.” My fingers were crossed. Unlike Jimmy, I could lie when I was drunk.
He took a deep breath. “It was in Vancouver. We had a few days off between games. Wheels and I could go out and drink there, so we did. We went out to a few clubs. I was drinking, drinking a lot. I got pretty trashed, and I went back to our room to go to sleep.”
He peered at me anxiously. “Are you sure you not gonna get mad?”
“Sure, I’m sure.” I had a weird sense of anticipation as he spoke, like I was going to find out a big secret. My head hurt though and I also felt scared. And in Vancouver? That seemed so linked to me.
“I was half-asleep. But Wheels brought a girl back to our room. I guess she was pretty. Blonde.” He shrugged. “Y’know Kelly, I can hardly remember what happened. I was really out of it.”
I waited, hardly breathing. My head was spinning.
“We had a three-way. That’s what happened. No big deal.”
That was one way to look at it. The other would be that the bottom had fallen out of my relationship with Jimmy.
I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I was already queasy and now my imagination was pushing me over the top. Jimmy, Wheels and some girl going at it: oral, anal, double-teaming, guy-on-guy. I tried to shut off my mind, and I threw up into the toilet. Threw up until there wasn’t anything let to throw up. Then I had dry heaves.
I splashed water on my face and brushed my teeth. When I went back out to the living room, Jimmy was asleep on the couch. I covered him up with the throw, then realized what I had done. An automatic gesture of love—even when I wasn’t feeling it.
Sure I loved Jimmy—no, I had loved Jimmy. There were a million things I loved about him. I loved his hockey playing. I loved his dumb jokes and his goofy expressions. I loved his intensity and his insane competitiveness. I loved the way he tried to eat the dinners I made, I loved the quiet way he looked at me across a room. And I had never questioned that he loved me back, that he was a decent guy who would never betray me.
He was the one who was always pushing the agenda. He loved me first, he wanted to date seriously, and he wanted me to move in with him. I was the one who dragged my heels, but once I came here, I committed myself 100%. I had tried so hard to be the perfect girlfriend, and that’s why this felt like a double betrayal. Because I had acquiesced to all his demands: that I cook, that I dress up, that I act more mature. I had worked so hard to soothe him whenever he was anxious and worried. And I had done every kinky thing he wanted to do in bed, even when I wasn’t enjoying it. How could sex—something that was such a joy for us—become a trial? It was because everything was driven by Jimmy’s needs and never mine.
Sure, he had betrayed me, but I had betrayed myself by selling out so completely. Now I felt completely lost and alone. I was drained of energy, and I couldn’t even figure out what to do next.
Maybe I should go to bed. First, I got into the shower. Numbly, I let the water run down over me for ages. My head ached and my chest hurt from vomiting. Then I went to bed and fell asleep right away. I woke only once. I woke from a dream, a dream where Jimmy and I were back on the beach at Lake Carswell. He was younger and thinner, and he looked at me like I was a treasure—like I was the first woman he had ever seen. I looked into his eyes, and all I saw was innocence and desire. I leaned in and kissed him, our lips gentle and soft as feathery down. When I pulled away, that sweet boy dissolved into the lake and disappeared. I woke and my cheeks were wet with tears. I wiped them off and turned over and went back to sleep.
38
Aftermath
James
* * *
I woke up on the couch. My head hurt, and my mouth was dry. I really shouldn’t have been drinking so much during the season, even if I had a day off. It wasn’t the drinking I did at Baller’s as much as afterwards.
Oh God.
Last night flooded back into my mind—everything I had told Kelly. I tore into the bedroom but she wasn’t there. Panicking, I finally found her sleeping in the guest room. Her dark hair was a tangle, and her face looked pale.
I leaned over her on the bed.
“Kelly?”
She opened her eyes and gave me a sleepy smile. Relief rushed through me. Then her eyes opened wider and her face shut down completely.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I was drinking that night, it was stupid, but you know it was a total a one-off. That will never happen again. I can get a new roommate on the road. I won’t hang out with Wheels anymore.”
Her face remained expressionless, and I waited for her reaction.
“Are you gay?” she asked.
“What are you talking about? No!”
“A three-way with another guy, that’s gay.” Why was Kelly dwelling on this part? It was so weird, and I was thrown off balance.
“It’s not gay. Lots of guys do it. Anyway, I didn’t do anything with Wheels.”
Kelly sat up in bed. “But, Leo Axelsson. He’s kind of a manwhore. And you’ve been having unprotected sex with me. You were exposing me to lots of risks.”
I could reassure her on that count. From the moment I had woken up that morning, all I thought about was how to keep Kelly safe—from any repercussions. “That’s not true. I protected you. I wouldn’t have sex with you until I heard from the doctor that everything was fine.”
She scowled at me, and her fiery temper flared up. “You’re the one who begged me to come here. Who told me how much he needed me. We haven’t even been together for one fucking year!”
“Kelly, stop it.” I reached out and wrapped my arms around her, holding tighter when she tried pull away. “I love you. I do need you. I made one mistake, one slip in judgement, can’t you just forgive me and we can put it behind us? I’m not into guys or other women. I’m just into you. Our sex life is awesome, you know it, you love it too. You’re the perfect girlfriend. Everyone loves you—my parents, my teammates, the team management. We were meant to be together.”
“Let go of me,” she demanded. Once I released her, she scrambled to the other side of the bed, like she was afraid of me. “If our sex life is so awesome, why did you have sex with someone else?”
How could I explain this to her? It wasn’t about sex itself. J.
J. and Wheels had been riding me, telling me that a captain needed to be more sociable off the ice too. They said I shouldn’t be so tightly wound and I should let off more steam. Wheels pushed my buttons all the time, and usually I blew him off. But after three losses, I began to wonder if I needed to change things up. I was tired of always being the boring, predictable guy.
We were out at a bar, and I started talking to this chick. She was cute and kept laughing at my jokes and stuff. I bought her and her friends a few rounds of drinks. But that was it. I figured I had shown the guys that I could party and score on the road—if I wanted. I didn’t want to sleep with her because I was always nervous about STDs or worse. J.J. told me that he had once gotten involved with some chick who told him she was pregnant. It turned out to be a scam, but I didn’t need worries like that on top of everything else.
But Wheels said that after I left, she had begged him to take her up to our room. He did it for a joke, but once she got inside, she was crazy hot and then everything happened. It was stupid and not even that great. Nowhere near as good as what I had with Kelly.
Afterwards, she left right away and I felt terrible. I begged Wheels not to talk about it because I was worried that it would get back to Kelly. He told me I was whipped, but he kept his mouth shut. So even after I’d done something crazy, my boring rep stayed the same.
“It meant nothing to me. I told you, I was drunk. It was just sex.”
She laughed harshly. “But Jimmy, I’m just sex to you too. You need to fuck me to get to sleep on nights when you’re anxious. You make me dress up in lingerie and makeup and treat me like your little sex toy. If you lose a game, all I can do to help is get you off. So if sex means nothing to you, neither do I.”
“That’s ridiculous. We talk all the time. We love each other.”
Was that how she saw herself? I never saw her that way. I needed her more than ever. How was I going to face the stress of our first playoffs without Kelly on my side? She wouldn’t leave, would she? She still had classes. And where would she even go? I was panicking at the thought of separating. Then I remembered what J.J. had said that all women really wanted.
“You know what, let me prove how much I love you. Do you want to get engaged? We could go out today and get a ring. That would prove my commitment to you, right? Let’s do it.”
“You are a piece of work. Do you think a ring proves anything? I would never marry you. I can’t trust you.”
“What I did is nothing compared to some guys. Some guys are married with kids and doing women on the road every trip. There’s so much temptation out there. I’ve had so many chances and I’ve never cheated before, and I never will again.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Kelly, it’s true. And you gotta know the pressure I’m under. I have to be the leader, right? Some of the guys got on me because I’m always going to bed early and not coming out with them. So, I went out, you know, for the team. I feel terrible about this, but now that it’s come out—it’s better. We can move on.”
“Move on? There’s only one person moving on, and that’s me.”
“Where would you go?” I knew she had no place to go. She had no job and no money.
She faltered a bit. “I don’t know yet. But I’m not staying here. We are over. Done. I know that guys on the team fool around, and their girlfriends forgive them. Maybe next time you can find one of those girls.”
Kelly walked swiftly out of the room. By the time I followed her, she had locked the door of the master bedroom and I could hear her slamming drawers.
I pounded on the door. “Kelly, let me in.”
“Fuck off,” she called back. I knew she was swearing to get back at me. I could hear her talking on the phone. Should I break down the door? It was solid wood, so that wasn’t going to be easy. And there would be a lot to explain later. I leaned my hands against the doorframe and waited. What else could I do to change her mind?
“You don’t have to move out. I’m worried about you. You can stay in one of the guest rooms. I promise I won’t bother you.”
Ten minutes later, she finally opened the door. The room was a mess with stuff tossed everywhere. She had her big suitcase and she tried to blow by me, but I held on to her.
“Please, don’t go. I love you, Kelly. I love you so much.”
“Fucking other women doesn’t demonstrate love. Let go of me.”
“Not until you tell me where you’re going. I want to know you’re safe.”
“What happens to me is not your concern any more.”
“Please. I’ll drive you wherever you want.” I couldn’t bear to have her leave me and not know anything. A million bad things could happen to her. “You’re staying in Chicago, right? You’ve gotta finish your course after how hard you’ve worked. Did you want to stay with Maddy or Ty? That’ll be fine with me—I won’t bother you there.”
“Stop it, Jimmy. You can’t control me anymore.” Her words sounded tough, but she looked tiny and vulnerable. Her face looked defeated.
“Is it wrong to want to protect you? You’re so beautiful and trusting, I can’t help but worry. Please, I’ll hang around your school to make sure you’re okay if I can’t reach you any other way.”
She scowled at me. “You are exactly the obsessive type of person to do that. If I tell you where I’m staying, will you promise not to try to see me or contact me?”
I shook my head. “We have to talk. You need time, and then you’ll change your mind.”
“Okay. How about you leave me alone, or I go to some crappy online hockey blogger and tell him the whole story of how my ex-boyfriend, upstanding captain of the Blackhawks, had a three-way with the top rookie on his team? And some chick.”
Shocked, I let go of her. Kelly wouldn’t really do that, would she? Anyway, she didn’t have any proof.
She was watching me with narrowed eyes. “Is that a deal? Don’t call me. Don’t try to see me. Don’t write to me. Nothing. I never want to hear from you again.”
Then she walked away. I slid down the wall onto the smooth wood floor. I could hear her getting her hockey bag from the storage space. I could hear her firm footsteps walking down the hallway, then through the front door, and out of my life forever.
39
Fragile Dreams
I made up my mind on the plane trip to Vancouver. I wasn’t going home as a broken-hearted loser. I was going back as someone a little older and wiser about life. I went to Chicago to get a diploma in broadcasting, and I was back. Now, I could apply for that internship I wanted.
Because when you looked back on the past eight months—was it only eight months?—most of the time, things were pretty good. I lived in a beautiful condo, I got to know an incredible city, and I made a bunch of new friends. Not that I would ever see any of them again, but whatever.
I was lucky that I didn’t cry easily. I needed that toughness now. I was going home—not that I even had family home right now—but back to Vancouver.
Maybe I should have left earlier, when Jimmy first started chipping away at my ego and confidence. But my whole life, nothing was ever easy for me. I was never the smartest or the most talented or the prettiest, I was only the one who worked hard and took the crap and kept going. And eventually things worked out. So I kept my head down and tried to become the woman he wanted, thus losing myself in the process.
I had managed to graduate from broadcasting college by staying with Renée for two weeks. I shipped my stuff home and then hopped on a plane myself.
And I paid for all of this by reselling the Tiffany necklace that was my birthday gift. When I got to Renée’s place, she spotted the necklace and informed me it was worth about four grand. Ironically, had I known it was that valuable, I never would have kept it. However, given that I wasn’t speaking to Jimmy anymore, and I needed money—the solution to my financial problems was as close as the pawnbrokers. I still wanted to repay Jimmy for the tuition, but I couldn’t get my hands on $8000 right at this
moment. I couldn’t even get my hands on $80.
“Kelly!” April had come to pick me up at the airport. She wrapped her arms tightly around me and squeezed. For a moment I wanted to let down my defences and start weeping in the airport. Instead, I stuck with my resolution to be strong.
“Thanks for coming to get me,” I told her. “You’re such a good friend.”
“No problem. I’ve already arranged a place for you to live temporarily,” she informed me. April had a new roommate now, so I couldn’t stay with her for more than a few nights.
“Wow, really? Where?”
“Ben’s place.”
“Okay, great. But isn’t that a little weird?” Last I heard they still had this whole vow of celibacy thing going, so sending a girl to live with her fiancé seemed wrong.
“No, his cousin is staying there, so it’ll be the three of you.” Ben had more cousins than anyone else on the planet.
As we cruised along, she wondered how I was doing.
“I’m fine.”
“How can you be fine? Are you going to tell me why you broke up?”
“I really don’t want to talk about this,” I pleaded.
“Kelly, I realize that I’m partly motivated by nosiness, but it’s not good to keep everything bottled up inside you. Have you talked to your parents?”
“Of course. I called them and told them I was coming back here. I explained that Jimmy and I had broken up.”
She gave me the side-eye. “So you didn’t tell them why either.”
“He cheated on me. There, are you happy now?” I had promised Jimmy I wasn’t going to talk, but that was about all the gross details of what happened. It was clear that I’d have to explain why at some point. Besides, it wasn’t like April was going to blab to anyone, except—shit. “Please don’t tell Ben.”
Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part Three Page 37
