by Lena North
“But I’ve seen him fishing?” I asked stupidly.
Nick promptly started laughing.
“Was that why you were on the beach and could pick me up so quickly today?”
“Yes.”
“Does Jamie know?”
“No. Joao told him to go to the other side of the Island which he didn’t. His only job today was to keep you away from it all, to protect you, and he didn’t even manage that, in all his geniusness.”
Nick looked seriously unhappy, but I latched on to the thing in that statement that bothered me.
“You told Jamie that you were the only thing between me and death?”
He was silent for a long time, and I made a small huffing sound to get him to answer, but he ignored it and kept his eyes on the ground in front of him.
“Please explain,” I whispered.
“Don’t know how to start,” he muttered.
“At the beginning?” I said, and he flashed me a grin.
“Come here,” he murmured and stretched out a hand. “Sit here with me while I talk?”
I crawled back into my previous position and leaned my back on his warm chest. He put his arms around me and held me in silence for a while. The osprey suddenly came gliding through the air, passing so close by us it seemed like one of her wings slid softly over Nick’s cheek. When she sat down in a tree next to us, Nick exhaled.
“Jinx has told you about the program she was in?” he asked finally.
“Some.”
“They found out about me, Tommy and Jamie somehow, and it sounded so good. We’d contribute to research, would know more about who we were, and would get a free ride through University. We’ve never had a lot of money here on the Islands, so it was the possibility to study for free that closed the deal. Our parents were so proud, and at first, it wasn’t too bad. Then it got worse, and in the end, it was really bad. It changed us, Snow.”
He paused, and I turned my head a little, whispering into his neck, “Tell me about it.”
In a low voice, he shared the experiments they had been through, and I remained silent through it all. He talked about days of being bombarded with high pitched sounds and no sleep, about needles stuck into his eyes, and about being forced to solve tasks faster and faster. My breath hitched sometimes, but I kept breathing slowly and stayed silent. There were many other routines they’d forced the kids to go through, drugs they made them take, and I wanted to scream when I heard what those monsters had done to a group of innocent teenagers who had happened to be born with exceptional brains. Then his voice lowered even further, and he told me about the last time they were at that hospital. His arms were wrapped around me, and I leaned my head on them and cried then.
“Jamie’s eyes were taking a toll, and he lost some of his abilities. Tommy… He hid it well, but he was too soft. Looked strong, though. Like a giant. Huge muscles, huge presence, and so damned soft inside. It was as if his soul shattered in that place.”
“Nicky,” I sobbed.
“I held it together, and they thought I was the strongest, but I lost all my feelings,” he went on as if he hadn’t heard.
Suddenly, I didn’t want to know. It was too hard, too painful to hear about what they’d been through, but I’d asked and I might not want the knowledge, but I needed it.
“There’s nothing worse than not feeling, Snow. Not when you know what you’ve lost. And it didn’t matter what I did… I just couldn’t find it again. There was no joy. No anger or bitterness. No love. Mama was right, I was dead inside. They’d killed me, and I couldn’t stay here with my family because I couldn’t feel what I knew I should for them, so I left. Went to Uni for a few years. Travelled.”
He squeezed me gently and leaned his head forward to speak into my ear.
“Then the damndest thing happened. I was in the water, thinking that I might as well end it all, when suddenly a girl dove in, right next to me. A bird followed her, and I heard them laughing. And when they laughed, Snow… I felt their joy, and it became mine.”
I twisted around to look at him with wide eyes. My mouth had fallen open, but he just kept talking.
“When I laughed with you that day, it was the first time in years that my laughter wasn’t just a twitch of muscles that I did because people expected it. It was the first real laughter since I waved goodbye to my parents when they dropped me off at the hospital that last time.”
I started crying again and used the back of one hand to wipe the tears away.
“I hate them,” I sniffled. “How could they do that to you?”
“I hate them too, and I don’t know,” he murmured. “At first I could only find my feelings when I was around you, and I was so damned scared that you’d be in an accident, and end up dead. Then I started feeling things just by thinking about you… And almost a year after we met that first time, I finally had all my emotions back again. It was as if I needed to learn how to feel again, and you were the key that unlocked it for me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“At first, I didn’t believe it. Then… What was I supposed to say? We don’t talk about the hospital, and I was also a bit ashamed.”
“Of what? You couldn’t help what they did.”
“You’re not always a very nice person when you have no emotions, Snow. For many years I was rude. Downright unpleasant. Demanding and controlling. Ruthless in many ways. You don’t treat people right when there’s not a sliver of empathy in your soul.”
I was silent as I thought through what he said and I remembered how Nick had been when we first met. I’d assumed he was shy, but when I thought about it, I knew that he’d been more standoffish and he was right. He hadn’t always been nice to the others I climbed, or base jumped with.
“I tried, Snow. But interaction with others is mostly about relying on your instincts, and my instincts were burned right out of me, so most of the time I behaved badly. I knew it, and I tried. Had to read books about what I was supposed to feel, and how to act.”
God, what a sad existence.
“Didn’t you talk to anyone?”
“I talked to Tommy. He was the same except he was the exact opposite.”
“What?”
“They took my emotions away, but they amplified Tommy’s. You told him to step aside so you could reach for a plate in the cupboard, and he’d start crying because to him that meant you thought he was an idiot who hadn’t moved of his own accord. It was as if emotions bombarded him all the time. Drugs did nothing for me, but they numbed him down. Dumbed him down.”
“Oh, God,” I breathed. “I don’t know what was worst, what you ended up with or what he did.”
“What I got,” Nick replied immediately. “Even Tommy knew that. And neither of us saw an end to it. I went away, sent short texts to Mama sometimes, but didn’t visit and didn’t talk to them. I knew I should feel guilt for what I put them through and I couldn’t. I knew I was broken. Tommy was broken too, and he hurt his family with the drugs, but he was with them. They had him in their lives, and when he died, they’d at least had him that last year. Mama was right. It was as if I was dead to them.” He was silent for a while, and then he added quietly, “I died to me too. It felt like I was dead.”
“Oh, honey,” I whispered, turning around to kneel in front of him and put my hands on his cheeks. “I don’t know why I was the key, but I’m happy I was.”
“Me too,” he murmured immediately.
I lowered my hands and sat back, wondering how he felt after sharing his past and if I could ask more questions. He seemed calm, and I decided to push on.
“What did Jamie mean when he said you weren’t a real genius?”
Nick suddenly chuckled.
“The geek,” he murmured, in a way that sounded oddly affectionate. “To him, being a genius means that you’re a science whiz. If you aren’t good at math or can figure out the intricacies of nature, then you’re by definition an idiot.
”
“What is it you can do, Nicky?” I asked although I suspected I knew.
I’d seen his eyes focus with an intensity that wasn’t normal, so it had to have something to do with that.
“I see things,” he said. “Details. When I want to, I see details, and I remember them. Tommy used to call it my laser vision.”
“Like the muscle next to my left eye when I lie?” I asked, grinning a little.
“Papa told you?” he guessed and chuckled when I nodded. “He’s got something similar. A lot of people in the family does. I got a bit more, though.”
“A bit more?”
“You have fourteen birthmarks on your back. I could point them out blindfolded.”
I blinked, but he went on.
“I could count the strands of hair on your head. You have six small flecks of green in your left eye.
I opened my mouth, but his eyes suddenly changed subtly as he glanced over to the side on a small leafy bush to my right, and then he looked back at me again.
“There are two hundred forty-six leaves on that bush,” he concluded calmly.
“Holy cow,” I breathed.
“That’s a –”
“Yeah, yeah. Stupid expression. I know. But apt.” I watched him with wide eyes and added, “You have to agree that in this situation, it’s apt.”
He snorted and seemed a bit embarrassed by my astonishment.
“You have a photographic memory too?”
“Yup.”
“Yikes,” I said.
“What?”
“You’ve seen me without clothes.”
When you camped and lived in tight quarters it was unavoidable, so he’d seen me in various stages of undress, although never completely naked. I’d certainly seen him in his briefs plenty of times. I remembered what he looked like, more or less, but he’d have images of my body burned into his mind.
“Yeah.” He grinned and wiggled his brows. “Let’s go eat.”
“I have more questions,” I huffed although I moved too.
He’d shared a lot, and it had been emotional, so maybe it was a good idea to take a break.
“One more,” he said and sat back down.
I thought about what I’d ask, and then I knew.
“That night before I came here when we climbed using those old anchors. You were climbing straight below me when I slipped. Were you doing that to save me?”
He looked uncomfortable suddenly, and I straightened.
“Nick. What?” I asked.
It took a long time for him to reply, and he sounded hesitant when he started talking.
“You can’t get mad, Snow.”
“What did you do?”
“Maybe those anchors weren’t all that old,” he mumbled.
Maybe what weren’t – oh my God. He’d put the anchors there.
“You didn’t?” I breathed.
“Did.” His confirmation was accompanied by a rueful grin, but his next words took my breath away. “Put them there a week earlier. Then I saw that dark-haired guy with the freaky eyes roll into town, and I knew you’d need to get out once he’d said whatever shit he had to say to you.”
“Hawker Johns,” I said. “Do you know who it is?”
“Not really,” he said. “I know he upsets you, so I’m not sure I like him much. Joao knows him, I think. He’s mentioned meeting him on some conference or meeting or whatever. They’re in the same line of work, aren’t they?”
“Yes,” I confirmed. “He’s the Sheriff in Norton, so I guess Joao would know him. Or of him, at least. He was a friend of Da’s.”
“Guessed that.”
“Can we talk about him some other time?” I asked. I needed to think through how much I could share with Nick about Hawker and his group, so I got up and stretched a hand down toward him. “Let’s go and have dinner with you parents, they must be waiting.”
“Will you still have dinner with me tomorrow night?” Nick asked as he walked next to me toward the house.
“Of course.”
My answer came immediately, and I was surprised he even felt the need to ask.
“Good,” he muttered. “There are more things to talk about.”
“Nicky,” I said and took his hand as he stretched it out to open the kitchen door. “We’ll figure everything out, won’t we?”
He looked down on our hands, and when he looked up at me again, his whole body had visibly relaxed. I realized that he’d been worried that I would somehow think less of him after knowing who he was and what he’d been through. Then he raised our hands and kissed mine softly. I stopped breathing, and my eyes started to burn.
“Yeah, Snow. We’ll figure everything out,” he said, pulled me closer and slung his arm around my shoulders.
When we walked into the kitchen, his parents immediately started talking, animatedly and a little bit stiffly. It was so unlike how they had been before, and I thought perhaps we’d interrupted a private conversation, but at the same time, it felt like something else. After a short while full of the most blatant platitudes imaginable, Nick told them to get a grip, and that he’d go get some beer from the cellar.
They watched him leave, but as soon as the door closed, they turned to me. I looked at them in silence for a while, waiting for them to ask whatever it was they had on their minds.
“Everything alright?” Nicholas asked quietly.
“Peachy,” I replied calmly, but took pity on them and went on, “You don’t have to worry about him. He’s okay. A bit rattled from talking about everything they did to them in that program, but he’ll be fine.”
“He told you?”
Pauline sounded shocked, and I raised my brows.
“Yes. Hard to listen to, but worse for Nicky to talk about, so I held it together,” I said, but decided to be honest and added, “Mostly.”
“He told you?” she asked again.
“Well, yeah. You asked him to, and he did.”
Pauline turned abruptly and started stirring in a pot on the stove. Her movements were jerky, and she leaned her head down a little, staring into what smelled like a fantastic stew as if it would share the secret of eternal youth with her. Nicholas put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently, but then he turned to me.
“He hasn’t talked to anyone about it. We tried, his sisters tried, and we took him to professionals… He refused.”
Oh. Nick might have been better sooner if he’d been able to share his burden, but a tiny selfish voice in my head whispered that then he wouldn’t have met me, and I would have been worse off instead.
“Okay,” I said, not sure how to explain to them about how he’d found his way back when he met me.
“Okay,” Pauline murmured and turned again.
Then Nick walked in with beer bottles in his hands. He surveyed his parents' faces, and then mine, and sighed.
“I know I was a dick for years, alright. I’ll try not to be one in the future,” he muttered.
“You think we’re angry?” Pauline squeaked.
“I was a –”
“Language, son,” Nicholas said in a father’s warning voice. “And you were. If you aren’t one in the coming fifty years, we might forgive you.” Then he walked over to slap his son heavily on the back, at the same time pulling a beer out of his hand. “I need food,” he muttered hoarsely and walked out the door.
Yikes. Did he mean that?
“You’re quite stupid for being such a genius, Nicky,” Pauline said, although she had a wide smile on her face as she followed her husband, carrying the pot in both her hands and pushing the door open with her hip. “Get the rest, we’re eating,” she called out just before the door slammed shut.
“What the hell?” I asked into the stunned silence that ensued.
Nick snorted something unintelligible, but his face had softened, and then he walked over to get another pot from the stove, tucking a set of utensils un
der his arm and twitching his head toward a couple of pitchers standing on the counter. I assumed he meant for me to bring them, so I picked them up and followed him out on the courtyard where we had dinner.
Pauline choked up again when we left. I wanted to go back to Nick’s house, and he refused to let me stay there alone, so we had a fight right on the doorstep of his parents’ house, with them watching. Nick mostly growled, but I went into a full-blown rage and snapped at him that I was capable of taking care of myself and he should mind his own business. He said a few crude words in response to this and I was acutely aware of his parents watching the whole spectacle, so I tried to behave, but failed. When the f-bomb had been dropped several times by both of us, Nicholas butted in.
“As much as I enjoy this, you need to calm down,” he said and gave me a look that shut me up immediately. Then he turned to Nick and added, “There’s a couch in your house. I’m sure you can sleep on that, son?”
Nick promptly started protesting, but he got the look too, and then his father said calmly, “Boy. Couch. It won’t be comfortable so you would risk getting lumbago if you sleep on it. You get me?”
Nick closed his mouth abruptly, and then a crooked grin appeared on it. “Papi…” he murmured, tilting his head a little to the side and sounding so sweet that my anger just melted away.
Pauline started sniffling, but Nick took advantage of my mushy mind and shuffled me into one of the cars, and got us back to his place, explaining on the way that he’d sleep on the couch to keep me safe. He also explained in great detail that the couch was small, old and lumpy and how he’d likely get a hernia or several kinds of severe back injuries, including lumbago, from using it.
“Oh, stop it,” I snapped as we walked into his living room, but I was laughing as I spoke. “You can use the bed,” I said, and when his brows went up, I added, “I’ll take the couch.”
I knew very well what he wanted, and had enjoyed his efforts, but I meant for him to sweat a little bit longer before giving in. He surprised me with his next words, though.
“I don’t want to sleep with you, not that way. I know you’re not ready for that, Snow. I just want to hold you.”
My belly clenched, because of what he said but mostly because his eyes were suddenly so sad. He looked lonely.
