***
Matt had taken advantage of Emily’s feelings for him, but he didn’t care. When he was with her, in fact when he was with any woman in a sexual way, he was able to block out thoughts of Charlie and momentarily suppress the hurt that he felt all of the time.
He didn’t like the man that he’d become, but he also didn’t know what to do about it. He knew that those around him were either too concerned or too disgusted with his current behaviour to confront him about it, and he was grateful for that. He knew that it was common knowledge that he’d been sleeping Emily, but then it was also no secret that he’d slept with half of the female staff at the hospital in the months following his abandonment by Charlie.
He’d known at school and at uni that girls had found him attractive, and he’d never had to make any effort to get their attention, but he’d only had eyes for Charlie. So he’d never realised that as a doctor – a good looking doctor, he was able to get pretty much any woman that he wanted.
The endless one night stands were satisfying enough. He could remain cold and unfeeling, and he could simply walk away from the women the next morning without any feelings of guilt or remorse, but Emily complicated things and he was unsure why he continued to see her on a personal basis.
Whilst sex was a useful release, he still had to find ways to pass the days and the endless hours when he was at the hospital. Home wasn’t as bad. He either always had company, or in the event that he was alone he ensured that he had enough valium or nitrazepam to knock him out.
At the hospital though, when he wasn’t caught up in back to back emergencies that kept his mind busy he had time. It was then when thoughts of his old life with Charlie would torment him. It was then when the pain of losing her tore his heart and soul apart, and then when it all felt like more than he could stand to bear.
To try and manage his pain, and in an attempt to help stabilise his moods, he’d begun to use a range of drugs. To counter the valium and nitrazepam that he was taking to sleep, and to keep his soul destroying guilt and depression under control, he was using a variety of amphetamines. In fact he was using anything and everything he could get his hands on at the hospital without being caught. He’d also taken to stealing Emily’s prescription pad to get more drugs. He knew that if he used his own it would draw attention to his growing addiction, and Emily never seemed to notice him using hers.
Matt knew that he’d gotten into a vicious cycle, but he just couldn’t stop himself. He knew that he’d become completely dependent on drugs to either stay awake or go to sleep, and he knew that he now needed them to get through the days and the nights. The larger concern, could he find it in himself to care, was that he was becoming increasingly reckless with the doses that he was taking.
He knew the risks of what he was doing, and he was also more than aware of the blatant disregard that he was showing for his own life. Yet he didn’t care. Without Charlie around, life no longer seemed worth living.
Part Three
Claire
She was sat by the window in the Café Nero in Clapham Junction Station, feeling both nervous and guilty. Charlie had called her forty five minutes earlier to say that she’d just arrived at Paddington.
Claire wasn’t entirely sure why Charlie was coming to see her, and she wondered if Matt had told her that they used to be best friends. She wondered if Charlie now knew that they’d shared every secret that either of them had ever had, since the moment that they were old enough to know what secrets were. Yet she pondered more uneasily whether Charlie had been told this information not by Matt, but by her parents whilst she’d been living back at home in Cheddar.
She hoped that she wasn’t going to have to spend the next couple of days re-telling Charlie all about their past and trying to reassure her. It had been this type of situation that she’d been actively avoiding since Charlie had woken up after her accident without a memory, and was the reason why Claire hadn’t once visited her after she had been released from hospital.
When Claire had walked into Charlie’s hospital room, she’d been so relieved to see her awake and sat up talking to a nurse that she’d forgotten what the others had said to her about Charlie’s condition. She’d been instantly reassured that everything was going to go straight back to how it had been before the accident, and she’d breezed into the room and sat down on Charlie’s bed.
Charlie had seemed so much like her old self as Claire had sat down. She’d looked the same, smiled the same, and she’d even sounded the same. Yet as Claire had tried to make jokes, and re-visit conversations that they’d had before the accident, Charlie had just looked at her blankly.
Claire had refused to be downcast about this though. The doctors had believed that the amnesia that Charlie was suffering from was temporary, and there had been no reason for any of them to doubt this. She’d thought that her best friend would just remember in a day or two, but when it had transpired that this hadn’t happened she’d honestly believed that she was going to be able to be there for Charlie regardless.
She’d thought that she’d be able to help her, support her, and encourage her in a way that would spark her memory. She’d known that Charlie had always been there for in the past, and she’d seen that finally it had been her chance to return the favour at long last. Yet the following day she’d arrived at the hospital before visiting hours. No one at the hospital had said anything to her though, and she’d assumed that it was maybe one of the perks of Matt being a doctor there. Nobody had seemed interested in the idea of enforcing visiting hours on his friends and family.
When she’d reached Charlie’s room she’d seen from the doorway that Matt had already been in there with Charlie, and she’d thought about leaving them alone for a while and coming back later. She’d wanted to let the two of them have some peace, as she’d known that they’d been surrounded by family and friends from the moment that Charlie had woken up, but as she’d gone to walk away something had struck her as strange about the scene in front of her.
It had been instantly noticeable that neither of the people in the room had resembled either of the people that she’d known her whole life. Matt, who would normally always have been within inches of Charlie, had been sat on the other side of the room from her and he’d looked visibly uncomfortable. Charlie, who had always looked relaxed when Matt was around, had been looking incredibly tense and insecure. There had been no conversation, and Claire had been able to feel the tension between them from where she’d been stood.
She’d left the hospital that day and she’d driven straight home. She hadn’t even stayed long enough to say goodbye to either Charlie or Matt.
Claire had watched the two of them closer than anyone else in their lives, and to have seen Charlie treat Matt like a complete stranger had brought home to her the stark reality of Charlie’s condition.
She wasn’t proud of her behaviour, the result of which meant that Rich and Bex no longer answered or returned her calls, but it was what it was.
When she had finally managed to get in contact with Ben and Rach, they’d taken it upon themselves to try and coax her into going to visit Charlie. Rach had even written her a heartfelt letter about how she had always been jealous of her and Charlie’s friendship, and how she hated to see her abandoning Charlie in her hour of need. She’d written that they both knew that if the shoe had been on the other foot, Charlie would never have acted this way.
The letter had antagonised Claire at first and she’d nearly thrown it away, but instead – for a reason unbeknownst to her at the time, she’d chosen not to. This had proved to be a mistake though, and after a drunken night out she’d come home and re-read the letter. It had made her cry. Through her haze of intoxication, in which her defences had been lowered, she’d been able to see the truth of Rach’s words for the first time. She’d felt the weight of her betrayal of not just Charlie, but of all of them. She’d not only abandoned Charlie, but she’d turned her back on the friends that she’d had her whole life.
Cla
ire had always known that Bex and Rach had envied the friendship that she and Charlie had had, and that at certain points in their lives had each vied for the spot of best friend in Charlie’s life. Something she felt sure that Matt would have supported. She’d also known that had the situation been reversed, Charlie would’ve been by her side throughout. She’d have helped in any way that she could, and if she hadn’t been able to she’d have stayed by her side and just made friends with her all over again.
Claire had felt guilty about not having visited, and about the accident itself knowing that Charlie wouldn’t have been in the car had she not been in Bath with her. She’d also felt awful about what she’d potentially done to Matt and Charlie’s lives. She’d known that their world had been thrown into disarray, but she’d never realised to what extent until four months after the accident when she’d taken a week off work to go to Birmingham via Cheddar to see Charlie.
She’d forgotten how small Cheddar was, or maybe it had just seemed smaller to her since she’d grown up and moved away. In Cheddar there was no escaping from the fact that all of her friend’s parents were also friends. This meant that every time one of them went home, news of this would spread and all of her friend’s parents would pop round to say; “hello.”
What made these situations especially cumbersome at times, was that this close and seemingly idyllic world that their parent’s lived in made it particularly difficult when they weren’t all on speaking terms. It was hard to have to face the parent of a friend that you’d fallen out with, and then fane an accord that no longer still existed with their child.
When Claire had gone home she’d known that she’d have to do this though, as she’d known that none of her old friend’s parents would know that their children were no longer recognising her existence.
To make matters worse she hadn’t spoken to Nick since she’d moved out of their flat in Bath three months ago, and she’d known that he hadn’t told his parents that they’d broken up. They believed that her prolonged stay in London was work related and nothing more.
She’d also known that none of her friends would have told their parents that she hadn’t once visited Charlie after she’d left hospital, and she’d known that this was going to make it difficult when she’d inevitably be asked by their parents how their sons and daughters were. They’d believe that she’d have the latest news, and she’d known that she would have to lie.
During her encounter with Matt’s mum, which had actually been in the kitchen of Rich’s parent’s house, Claire had heard just how bad the situation between Charlie and Matt had become. Yet she’d been shocked to hear from Mrs Grayson and Mrs Taylor that Charlie hadn’t been able to regain any memories at all, and that the situation with her living back at home was fraught.
Mrs Taylor had talked candidly about how Rich had told his father that he didn’t know how Matt was coping, and that seeing the two of them together was like looking at two totally different people from the ones that he’d known growing up.
Mrs Grayson had been noticeably upset, and she’d confided in Claire that she was worried about Matt. She’d said that she wasn’t sure how, or if, he could handle the situation if Charlie’s memory didn’t come back. She’d said that she felt like she was losing her son as he continued to distance himself from everyone whilst he struggled to cope with Charlie’s condition.
Claire had made her excuses to leave, but as she’d been going both Mrs Taylor and Mrs Grayson had said that they were thankful that she was around to keep them all emotionally stable.
“You’ve always been the one with the calm and rational head Claire,” Mrs Taylor had said; “and I think the boys need that in their lives now more than ever.”
Claire had smiled uncomfortably. She’d never been rational or calm in emotionally charged situations. They were confusing her with Charlie.
Mrs Grayson had pulled Claire into a tight hug, and she’d whispered into her ear; “Claire, you need to make her remember. Matt hasn’t been able to, and he won’t cope if this carries on. You know how he is around Charlie, and I can’t bear to think of him suffering like we all know he is.”
Claire had nodded and smiled, but she’d all but run from the Taylor’s house.
She had known how Matt was about Charlie, she’d always known. She’d been the best friend to the girl that had found the perfect man, had had the perfect romantic love story, and had up until the accident had the perfect relationship. Charlie and Matt had had a life that was like a magical fairytale, but now she knew that it had become a nightmare.
Claire had decided to go back to London after this encounter. She hadn’t been able to face going to see her friends, or Charlie. She hadn’t wanted to have to watch their friendships crack and eventually fall apart. She had already cut herself off, and she had her own memories to protect.
She’d known that she was being selfish, but then she’d known that Charlie would’ve understood. Charlie had always known that her best friend and husband were poles apart in terms of character, and she’d have known that Claire unlike Matt couldn’t be a martyr to a bad situation. Charlie would’ve understood she’d known. Charlie knew her and had always known her.
Claire had known that at some point Matt, Rich, and the others, would have to arrive at the same horrific conclusion that she’d reached months earlier. The Charlie that they’d all known, and loved, and had grown up with, had died in a car accident.
A tap on the window brought her back to the present. She looked up from the bottom of her coffee cup, which now only had coffee stained foam in the bottom, and into the face that was smiling at her through the window from outside. It was a face instantly recognisable to Claire. It was a face that had been smiling at her that way for as long as she could remember. She returned the smile cautiously, and she got up from her chair and went outside to face Charlie.
“Hi,” she said feeling somewhat awkward.
Charlie looked at her as though trying to read her expression, and after what seemed like an age to Claire she finally said; “do you think I’m going to yell at you or something for not having visited me?”
“No,” Claire answered defensively. “It’s just, just,” but as she desperately tried to search for an answer as to what it could just be Charlie hugged her tightly and whispered; “you’re a truly shit best friend to have in times of crisis, but I’ve really missed you none the less.”
Claire pulled back from the hug unsurely, and it was her turn to try and size Charlie up. She scrutinised her face, but as she did Charlie held up her left hand showing Claire her palm.
“You’ve got your memory back?” Claire asked excitedly, her whole face lighting up, but it was less of a question and more a statement of fact.
Charlie looked at her for a second and then flicked her eyebrows up and smiled cheekily at the same time. Claire screamed and jumped up and down, before pulling Charlie into a massive hug and making her hop up and down with excitement too.
The people walking past stared at them irritably, whilst other people heading for the station tutted at the fact that they were taking up too much room on the busy pavement in front of it.
“When, how? I need to know everything,” Claire said.
“Okay, but is there somewhere we can go and talk? Maybe even get some food and a glass of wine?” Charlie asked.
Claire nodded and said; “yeah there’s loads of places around here. Let’s head up the Northcote road.” She indicated the direction with her hand, and as they started walking together she kept looking at Charlie and grinning.
“I’m going to tell you everything, but can you please stop grinning at me like that. People are going to think we’re a couple or something,” Charlie said laughing lightly.
“Alright darlin’, it’s London. They don’t mind a bit of okey pokey down ’ere,” Claire said in a terrible mock cockney accent which made them both laugh.
***
The orders were in and the wine had been poured, and Claire was now
eager for answers.
“Come on Charlie. You said somewhere to sit and talk, a bit of food and maybe some wine. I’ve done my bit,” she said; “so now you owe me an explanation.”
Charlie smiled, and the first thing she said was; “I’ve missed you. It feels like a lifetime ago since we were last sat chatting together.”
Claire nodded solemnly, and then she reached out for Charlie’s hand which was on the table and said; “I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you.”
Charlie squeezed Claire’s hand and then let go of it. “I honestly don’t think it would’ve made the slightest bit of difference. If you had been around,” she said with a sad smile; “I might’ve just ended up losing my best friend as well as my husband.”
There was a moment’s silence, and Claire watched Charlie take a rather large sip of wine.
“So I take it that you already know that I left Matt and Birmingham about seven months ago?” Charlie asked Claire; “And that I went back to Cheddar to live with my parents?”
Claire nodded and so Charlie continued; “okay. Well, when I got back to Cheddar it was rubbish. Everyone was tip toeing around me, the same way that Matt and Rich and all the others had in Birmingham, and they were being annoyingly positive and optimistic about my inevitable recovery.”
“I was miserable, and none of the diatribe that all of our parent’s were spewing in my direction was helping. Also, by the end of my first week in Cheddar I think that everyone that I’d ever come into contact with had visited me. Each giving me their version of a full re-cap of everything that had happened in my life,” she said rolling her eyes. “Well, everything that they thought I’d benefit from knowing.”
Claire smiled.
“But none of it meant anything to me. It just felt like a story about this perfect girl, who’d fallen in love with this perfect boy that she’d known her entire life. It was all so romanticised that I couldn’t connect with it. I didn’t know if I’d really been popular, or if I’d really been the girl that all the boys had been after until this one special guy had swept me off my feet. What was more frustrating was that none of what I was hearing was triggering anything in my memory. They could’ve been reading me an autobiography of someone else’s life for all the difference it was making to me,” Charlie said.
Splintered Memory Page 13
