Charlie stroked his face.
“I tried to pull myself together so that I could be there for you. I was sure that I could love you enough for both of us. I was sure that I could remember well enough for both of us. But I couldn’t,” he said before his voice trailed off.
Charlie could see tears in his eyes, and she felt her heart melting.
“Please,” Charlie began to say. But Matt again touched his forefinger to her lips, and she could see that he was set on telling her what he was trying to.
“I blamed you. At times I think I even hated you. But it wasn’t your fault, and in rehab I finally accepted that it wasn’t mine either. It was just a terrible accident, and the fallout of it is what tore us apart. I felt relieved when you left, and I no longer had to look after you. I didn’t have to pretend to everyone, and to myself, that you were the same person to me. But up until that point you’d been in my life every day for more than a decade, and when you left I fell apart,” he said embarrassedly.
“I was weak Charlie. Without you I was nothing, and I couldn’t get through the days or nights alone. Everything I did,” he said; “the drugs, the women, Emily. I’ll regret it all forever. What I did was like spitting in the face of everything special we’d ever had. I wanted to forget you. I think I wanted to be a man that you wouldn’t have wanted to know had you recognised me.”
“Matt you don’t have to tell me all of this, I,” Charlie said before his look silenced her.
“I’d conned myself into thinking that life had moved on, I’d moved on. My life felt normal again. I wasn’t happy the way that I’d been happy with you, but I was no longer despairing. So when I went to Rich’s wedding, I hoped that I’d see you and not care,” he said pausing again and looking momentarily away from her eyes and face.
“But then I saw you, and for the first time since the day that you’d woken up I felt my heart beat with excitement again. The only thing that kept me from throwing myself at your feet and begging you to take me back, was the thought that you still only remembered the six months that we’d had together after the accident. Why would you ever want to come back to the me that you’d known during that time?” He asked her, but she knew that it was a rhetorical question.
Matt looked lost in his own train of thoughts for a minute and she could see the pain in his face and eyes. “I’ve always been jealous of Rich, and it isn’t that I don’t trust you or him. It’s just,” he said sounding embarrassed again; “he’s always had a part of you that I can never have.”
She looked at him and smiled. Matt may not have been her first she thought, but when she’d had no memory he was. Yet she knew that telling him this now wouldn’t give him any comfort or solace, especially given what had happened straight after, in fact she knew that telling him this now would only make him feel worse.
“When I saw him hugging you that night, all of my old jealousies and insecurities from when we were teenagers had my stomach in knots. I wanted to tell him to get away from you. I wanted to tell him that you were my wife not his. But then it hit me. You weren’t. We weren’t together anymore, and I started to panic. I thought about the next time that we might happen to meet. You’d probably have moved on with your life,” he said; “and I’d have to meet the man who you’d moved on with.”
“Matt,” Charlie said. Yet again his look silenced her.
“You’d be happy. You might even have his children. He’d hold your hand, touch your face, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to cope. The only thing that stopped me going out and finding a pharmacy that night was the hope that there was still a part of you I knew. I thought that if you were moving on you’d divorce me first. I told myself that until I got papers I didn’t have to worry,” he said; “and it was that thought that kept me clean at Rich’s wedding.”
He looked at her, and she saw the shame in his face.
“I was so desperate to keep you in the dark about my memory,” Charlie said despairingly; “so certain that you were happy with Emily, that I nearly drove you to drugs again?”
“No,” Matt said firmly. “I nearly drove me to drugs again. It’s my addiction, and they’re my actions, and I take the responsibility for what I do.”
She smiled again, and then asked him; “did rehab teach you that Mr Grayson?”
Matt returned her smiled and said; “yes actually Mrs Grayson, it did.”
Charlie felt her stomach do a little flip when he called her Mrs Grayson, but settle just as quickly when she saw that his eyes still looked sad.
“When I got the divorce papers I knew we were over. It was confirming everything that I’d feared. You’d met someone and you were moving on. It seemed to explain why you were so easy going at the wedding; with me, with my parents, and with Emily. I knew I had to sign them, but I wanted to make you wait. I didn’t want to let you go. I didn’t want you to marry someone else,” he said.
“So why did you sign them? You said it was after you knew the truth?” Charlie asked.
“When Claire told me about your memory. The guilt I felt was so intense that I thought I was going to go crazy. You and Harry had come to find me to tell me this amazing news, but it was too late. I’d moved on,” he said. “There was another woman in your place, in our home, and in our bed.”
Charlie flinched at his words, and he said quickly; “I’m sorry. I just meant that if the situation had been reversed I’d have been crushed. I felt worthless and completely undeserving of you.”
“That’s why you signed?” She asked, and Matt nodded.
Charlie sat thinking for a minute, and she was starting to feel angry. She didn’t know why, but she could feel it bubbling up inside of her. “Why did you come to London?” She asked him, and it was Matt’s turn to look shocked and hurt. She could also see that he was at a loss for words.
“Well why? Did you just suddenly decide that you were deserving of me after all?” She asked, and she could hear the anger in her own tone.
“No,” Matt said defensively. “Charlie,” he said making her look at him. “I just realised that I had to try and get you back. My life isn’t the same without you. I’m not the same without you. I love you.”
“I love you,” she said feeling her anger subside, and she felt a tear run down her cheek.
“Marry me?” Matt asked wiping her tear away for her.
“What?” She asked sounding confused and then adding; “we’re not divorced.”
Matt smiled at her and said; “I know, but I don’t care. Marry me?”
She laughed and said; “we’re already married.”
“Charlie, marry me?” Matt asked for the third time, and he kissed her.
“Matt,” Charlie said putting her hands on either side of his face; “listen to me. We’re already married. I’m already your wife, and I have been for a long time.”
“Then let’s get remarried,” Matt said. “I want everyone to know that you’re my wife.”
“Who doesn’t know?” She asked laughing again.
“Charlie,” he said; “my knees are starting to hurt, and you’re not giving me an answer.”
“You’re really proposing?” She asked, and she looked at him seriously for a minute.
Matt nodded, but before he could say anything else she got up and ran over to her handbag. She opened it and took out her purse. She smiled to herself, and then walked back over to the bed and sat down in front of him again. She saw Matt looking at her confusedly, and she smiled at him before opening her purse and pulling out her engagement ring that she’d been keeping in there since having taken it off. She handed the ring to Matt, and she saw him look at it and smile.
He looked up at her, and still smiling he said; “Mrs Grayson, will you marry me?”
Part Four
Matt
It had been a long day and he felt dead on his feet. What he ideally wanted to do right now was to go home, cuddle up with Charlie, and go to sleep. The problem was he knew was that there was no chance of this happenin
g. Today was his birthday, and Rich and Bex were throwing him a dinner party to celebrate the occasion. Ben and Rach were driving up from Bristol, Claire and Adam were coming up from London, and Nick was coming up from Bath with his new girlfriend.
He’d already thought about bailing, but he knew that he couldn’t do that. Yet as he tried to stifle a yawn he felt his phone vibrating in his back pocket. It was Charlie, and he assumed that she was calling to say that she, Claire, and Adam, were stuck in traffic on their way up from London.
“Hey you,” he said into his phone.
“Happy birthday, did you get my messages? I tried to call before you went on shift,” Charlie said.
“Yeah I got them, thank you. I can’t wait to see you. Are you already here?” He asked.
“Not exactly,” Charlie said hesitantly.
“You’re in traffic,” he said.
“No. Please don’t be mad, but I’m still at work. I went in this morning and I was supposed to leave at twelve on a half day, but then I got called onto a conference call that ran on for two hours and after that things kind of went a bit crazy. In the end I had to tell Claire and Adam to go without me so that they could at least be at Rich and Bex’s on time. I’m going to get a train now though. I’m sorry,” Charlie said.
“You chose work,” he said knowing that hurt was emanating in his words.
“No,” she said; “and please don’t think that.”
He didn’t say anything, and there was an awkward silence between them.
“Look, I’m leaving right now so I can be up in Birmingham for tenish. I’ll still be in time for your birthday. It’s just that I’m going to miss most of your birthday dinner,” she said apologetically.
“Okay,” he said.
“Please don’t be mad with me? I’ll see you in a couple of hours,” she said; “and I promise that I’ll make it up to you as soon as we get home.”
He could tell that she was smiling, and he said; “I’m not mad, just a bit disappointed. But I’ll see you later. Do you want me to come and get you from the station?” He asked knowing that he was still sounding despondent.
“No I’ll get a taxi. You have a drink,” she said a little flatly.
“Okay. Speak to you later then,” he said.
“See you later,” she replied.
Matt hung up and realised that he now felt even more tired than he had done just five minutes earlier. Charlie had been the only thing that had gotten him through the day, and now she wasn’t even going to be at his birthday dinner and wouldn’t be in Birmingham till at least ten.
After their first few days back together, cooped up in Charlie’s room in London, he’d had to come back to Birmingham to work and Charlie had had to stay in London for her job. Since then they’d been having a long distance relationship, but it wasn’t easy and he missed her.
Matt tried to get his days off and times when he wasn’t on call together so that he could go to London to see her, and Charlie tried to come home most weekends. The problem was though that when Charlie came home he was at work and barely got to see her, and when he went down to London it was usually in the week and Charlie was at work. By the time she got home on a night they hardly got to have any time together.
He knew that there was nothing that either of them could do about it, and incidents like tonight were just part and parcel of them living and working in two separate cities from each other. He also knew that he shouldn’t moan as Charlie was already the one making all of the compromises in their relationship. She’d handed in her notice at work, and she was coming back to Birmingham. He’d just been disappointed when he’d discovered that her notice period was three months.
Matt felt guilty that he couldn’t go and join her in London, but he knew that he was well placed career wise where he was. He also knew that in reality, after everything that had happened in the past year, he needed to stay put for a while. A stint in rehab wasn’t great on the CV.
Charlie understood and he knew that. It’s just that he hated the fact that she knew that he still had to work with Emily, and that he saw her most days. He also wasn’t all that comfortable with the fact that she was aware that he worked with a lot of the nurses that he’d had one night stands with, but what could he do? She hadn’t said anything, and he knew that she wouldn’t, but he was sure that she must’ve thought about it. She had to have he thought, because he felt certain that he’d have obsessed over it had their situations been reversed.
When she’d agreed to come back to Birmingham he’d asked her if she’d wanted to sell their house and find somewhere new, but she’d said that she was happy to stay where they were. He was aware however that she’d only said this because she knew, more than anyone else, just how hard it was to find houses in their price range as close to the hospital as theirs was.
He’d felt guilty about this though, as he was the one who’d tainted their home and relied upon its location. Yet he couldn’t have felt any worse about this, than when Charlie had innocently suggested – on one of the weekends that she’d been home, that they could instead re-decorate and maybe invest in a new bed. He’d said that they could do whatever she wanted, and she’d smiled cheekily and had told him she might hold him to that.
His mind ran through everything that he’d done when Charlie had left him, and all the sacrifices that she was making for them to be together again now, and he knew that he’d been out order to her on the phone. He’d apologise to her later he thought as he approached Rich’s front door, but for now he knew that it was time to put a smile on his tired face.
“Birthday boy,” Claire said smiling; “still looking gorgeous even at what, thirty six?”
“One year above you at school remember? So if we’re thirty six, then that makes you thirty five,” Rich said squeezing Claire’s shoulders on his way past her to Matt who he clapped on the shoulder and then shook hands with. “Many happy returns mate.”
“Cheers,” Matt said as he followed Rich and Claire inside.
“Happy birthday,” everyone said in unison as Matt walked into the kitchen.
Matt smiled and nodded his head in thanks. He then shook hands with Adam who’d just put his arm around Claire’s shoulders. Then with Nick, who was stood by a woman that Matt didn’t recognise but who he assumed was the new girlfriend. Then he walked over to Ben, who was sat on a stool next to Rach. She leant up and kissed him, and Ben clapped him on the back. He finally reached Bex, who he hugged and said a quick thank you to before pecking her on the cheek.
“Where’s Charlie?” Nick asked him.
“She had to work late so she’s still in London,” he said as positively as he could; “but she’s coming up later.”
“That is such a lie!” Charlie said from behind Rich, who was stood in the doorway from the kitchen to the entrance hall grinning widely.
Matt whirled around and his face lit up, which in turn made everyone smile. Charlie included.
“Gotcha,” she said squeezing past Rich and walking over to him.
He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close, kissing her as he did. He’d meant to give her just a quick kiss, but there was something about the moment. His relief and delight at seeing her had made him kiss her as passionately as he would’ve done if they’d been alone.
“Alright mate,” Nick said on behalf of everyone in the room; “you’re in company!”
Charlie pulled away first, and she looked around at everyone sheepishly. Matt didn’t care though, and he pulled Charlie back against him so that her back was pressed up against his front. He wrapped his right arm around her waist, and he kissed the side of her neck.
“It’s my birthday,” he said smiling.
Everyone, with the exception of Charlie, Adam, and Nick’s new girlfriend Mel, looked at him gooey eyed and smiled endearingly.
“What?” He asked looking puzzled by their expressions.
They all shook their heads at him, but they were all still smiling.
&nbs
p; “Seriously, what,” he said again feeling self-conscious now.
“Nothing mate,” Rich said; “come on let’s eat.”
As everyone filed out of the kitchen towards the dining room, Charlie turned to face Matt. She put her hands on either side of his face and smiled.
“Happy birthday,” she said kissing him lightly on the lips. “Surprised?” She asked.
“Very,” he said pulling her more tightly to him.
“Nice surprise?” She asked whilst searching his face.
“Absolutely,” he said.
“Good. I’m glad you like surprises,” she said before kissing him again.
Matt pulled back from her kiss and looked at her curiously, wondering what she’d meant by that. Yet before he could ask her, or scrutinise her face properly, she took his hand in hers and said; “come on dinner’s up.”
***
It’d been one of the best nights that he’d had in a really long time. Everyone was on top form and the banter was in full flow, and just as always Charlie was at the very centre of it. She was causing the most trouble, and making the most laughs. Yet everyone was also being careful not to exclude Adam and Mel, and Matt noticed that both Claire and Charlie had gone out of their way to talk to her as much as possible.
After lots of food, and even more wine, they all moved into Rich and Bex’s living room to carry on drinking, chatting, and laughing, but as they all sat down Matt once again found himself being stared at by his friends.
“Seriously, you lot are creeping me out. What’s with all the staring at me tonight?” He asked.
No one spoke, but Matt continued to look at them for an answer.
“It’s got something to do with the way you were stood before, and the way you’re sat now,” Mel said with a slight shrug of her shoulders to indicate that she didn’t understand it either.
Matt quickly checked that his flies were done up and then he curiously glanced at Charlie, who was as always sat leaning against his knee with her arm looped loosely around it. She looked back at him, and he could see that she looked just as bemused as he was.
“The way I sit and stand?” He asked looking from Mel to Rich and then across at Claire.
Splintered Memory Page 25
