Now listen up, Lee, because this is the most valuable admonition I can leave with you. I don’t want you to encase our love in amber and set it on a shelf. I don’t want you to don a permanent set of widow’s weeds. I do want you to open your heart to new possibilities. There is a woman out there waiting for you. She won’t take my place. She will have a cherished place of her own, and it’s up to you to find her. If I have any say in it, I’ll be steering her your way sooner rather than later, because wasting the kind of love you have to give is an offence against creation. So when she crosses your path, don’t turn away—turn toward her. And when you do, I’ll be dancing with the angels in pure joy.
That’s about all I have to say, my love. I confess that I long for an end to this pain. I don’t have a certainty of what awaits, but many days I simply crave oblivion if it would end this agony. So when it is my time, understand that I do not have a single regret. I would’ve loved to grow old with you, but there is nothing else in my life that I would change—nothing. You and Eli are the best parts of me, so I leave you to an uncertain world. It’s a pretty messed-up old planet, and it needs you, just as I have needed you all these years.
I promise I’ll always be with you and Eli, no matter what. Believe that as you have believed in me...in us.
I love you with everything I am, Lee. And I am so grateful to have been loved by you.
Forever and always yours,
Dana
When Lee finished reading the letter, she stared at the sheets of paper. As much as the contents of the letter, it was seeing the familiar, albeit shaky handwriting that shook her to the core.
Lee felt so many things simultaneously that she didn’t know what she was feeling. Grief, gratitude, and shame rose in a tsunami that swept her to the edge of an abyss. One more inch and Lee would plunge so deep she knew she’d never emerge. But she didn’t have to take that fall. Dana’s words were a lifeline, and Lee hungrily read them again.
Then she looked at the people who surrounded her, offering her unconditional love and support.
Lee slipped the letter back into the envelope and rose to her feet. She met each person’s eyes sorrowfully. “I owe every one of you an apology. I never stopped to consider how my behaviour would affect anyone else. I couldn’t see beyond my own misery. You’re right. You’re all right. I’ve dishonoured Dana’s memory. She would be horrified if she could see me.”
“There’s no ‘if’ about it,” David said softly. “She can see you.”
Lee tilted her face to the ceiling. “Then I apologize with all my heart, sweetheart. And I promise I’ll do better from now on. I swear I’ll do better.” She lowered her gaze and smiled faintly. “Our family and friends will hold me to that, just like you knew they would.”
Lee opened her arms to Eli, and he buried his face against her shoulder. She hugged him and crooned into his hair, remembering anew the boy who had climbed into her lap so many times, waiting for her to read him a story. “I’m so sorry, Eli. I wasn’t there for you, and I’ll never forgive myself for that. Thank God you had Liz.”
“I wasn’t alone, but it was tearing me apart that you felt you were.”
Rhiannon and Marika embraced the pair, and Marika spoke for all of them. “She was never really alone. I think she finally knows that.”
David joined the group hug until the friends started to laugh at the unwieldy arrangement and broke apart.
Lee looked over at Willem, who was surreptitiously dabbing at his eyes with a monogrammed handkerchief. “I’m really sorry for leaving you with the full load for the last year, Wil.”
Willem waved a hand dismissively. “We’ll simply add this to the many favours you owe me.” A relieved smile wrinkled his broad face. “So I will see you soon, yes?”
Lee nodded. “I’ll be in first thing in the morning. Well, by ten anyway. I’ve got to get a haircut first.”
“Good. We have a new client scheduled for eleven. We will meet in my office then.” Willem extended a hand, and Lee shook it.
“I’ll be there. Count on it.”
Willem turned and climbed the stairs with surprising speed for one of his girth.
“Rhi, we’d better get going, too. The babysitter said she could only give us an hour tonight.” Marika kissed Lee on the cheek and wrinkled her nose.
Lee grinned wryly. “Yes, I know. Hit the shower and put on some clean clothes. Job one.”
Rhiannon leaned in for another hug. “Marika’s right, we’ve really got to get going, but damn, it’s good to see you smile. We’ll catch up soon, though, okay? It’s just that at the moment your goddaughter is a holy terror. The Terrible Twos is not an old wives’ tale, believe me, and I don’t want to have to find yet another new babysitter.”
Lee felt a surge of regret. “I’ve been a lousy godmother, haven’t I?”
Rhiannon shrugged. “So you’ll make up for it. Marnie’s two. It’s not like she’s going to hold it against you because you missed her birthday.”
“And Christmas and who knows what else. I’ve missed time with her, with all of you, and that can’t be replaced.”
David laid a gentle hand on Lee’s shoulder. “Don’t focus on time lost, focus on how best to use the time ahead.”
Lee took his hand and squeezed it. “That sounds about what I would expect from an ex-priest, but I take your point. And David, I don’t know if I ever thanked you for the beautiful sermon you gave at Dana’s funeral. I appreciate it more than I can ever tell you. I should’ve said something long before now.”
David hugged Lee and started up the stairs with Rhiannon and Marika. Their voices faded away as they closed the basement door behind them.
Eli regarded Lee warily. “Is it really okay? Are you truly going to be all right now?”
“I can never apologize enough for what I put you through this year, but I swear, it ends tonight.” Lee extended her hands, and Eli took them. “I can’t promise you I’ll never have a bad moment, or that I’ll ever stop missing your mom, but I can promise you I’ll try to live in a way that will make you proud of me.”
“I never stopped being proud of you.” Eli’s eyes welled up again. “I just felt like I lost both my moms.”
Lee pulled him into her arms, revelling in the feel of her son’s embrace. “Temporarily misplaced, but not lost, I swear. I’m going to dance at your wedding, and I’m going to be an insufferably indulgent grandmother to all your kids.”
“Kids? Liz and I are way too young to have kids.”
“Then I’ll wait a few years. I can be patient.”
Eli chuckled, and Lee pulled back. “So...”
“So...do you want your old bedroom back, Lee? Liz had to work late tonight, but she should be home soon. We can move our stuff into my old room.”
“Thanks, but it’s not necessary. I’m fine in the basement guest room, though I should put on a clean set of sheets.”
“I’ll run up and get them. Hey, would you like some supper too? There’s leftover meatloaf in the fridge. I could make you up a plate.”
“You know what? I’m tired of eating down here. How about I meet you in the kitchen after I have a shower? Make a pot of coffee, and we’ll sit down and talk. I’d like to hear all about how you popped the question and what plans you kids have for the wedding.”
Lee hadn’t seen Eli grin so widely since the day she and Dana had surprised him with a used car on his seventeenth birthday.
“Excellent! I’ll go put the coffee on. I think Liz may even have some homemade cookies stashed in the cupboard. C’mon up when you’re ready.”
Lee watched Eli run up the stairs. She smiled affectionately as she reflected on the dramatic intervention her loved ones had staged. “It’s not everyone who’d have had the courage to brave a deranged widow in her lair. I’m a very fortunate woman.” Then she laughed outright at the thought of calling herself fortunate. “Half an hour ago I’d have thought that impossible. Just goes to show, I guess. Miracles can happen. They alwa
ys could around Dana.”
The earlier stirrings of hunger had become a full-blown onslaught, so Lee left the den and crossed the basement to the former guest bedroom. Since the day Dana went into hospice care, Lee had been unable to enter the room that had been theirs. This spare room was nothing more than a place to catch a few hours of sleep at night, but at least its walls didn’t echo with memories of all the love she and Dana had shared in the decades they’d owned their home.
Lee sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Dana’s letter out of the envelope. As she re-read it, she traced the familiar handwriting with her finger and heard her wife’s voice in every loving, encouraging word.
One letter, even one as poignant as this, would not single-handedly heal the hollow wound in her heart. It would not fill Lee’s barren arms or take the place of the laughing, giving woman who had once slept beside her.
But it was a start. And it was a gift.
Chapter 2
Lee studied her reflection as the stylist put the final touches on the long-overdue haircut. The sallow, drawn woman looking back at her in the mirror was oddly unfamiliar. Lee’s once dark hair, considerably shorter as Angie finished the cut, was almost completely white. Shadows deepened her hazel eyes despite ten hours of sleep.
Angie met Lee’s eyes in the mirror. She opened her mouth to say something, but with a small shake of her head, apparently thought better of it.
“It’s okay, Ang. I look like hell; I know it.”
“You look like someone who’s been through hell,” Angie said gently. She picked up the blow dryer, and for a few moments the whir of the small appliance didn’t allow for further conversation. “There, much better.”
Angie whipped the cape away, and Lee stood, brushing stray hairs from her suit. Angie frowned and plucked at Lee’s sleeve. “You could put two of you in that suit. I think you need to do some shopping.”
Lee nodded ruefully. She hadn’t donned any of her business suits for so long that she was shocked when she’d had to borrow one of Liz’s belts to keep her pants up. “I will, but I’ve got a meeting this morning.” She followed Angie to the front of the shop, where she took out her wallet.
“This one is on me. I’m just glad to see you in here again.”
“That’s awfully sweet, Ang, but I can’t let you do that. This is your livelihood.” Lee held out her credit card, only to have it pushed firmly back at her.
“You and—You’ve been coming here for over twenty years. I think I can spring for one haircut. Call it a loyal customer bonus. After all, it’s my name on the door.” Angie leaned forward with a little smile. “Just don’t let word get around.”
Lee shook her head in amusement. “Am I at least allowed to tip?”
“Not today.” Angie gave Lee a quick hug, handed over her coat, and then turned to open the door. “Now shoo, I’ve got clients waiting, and so do you. I’ll see you next month. Call me for an appointment.”
“Definitely.” As Lee exited the shop, she made a mental note to double her usual tip at the next appointment. A sharp wind hit her face, and Lee flipped her collar up. It was too early in the spring for the morning sun to provide much warmth. She shivered as she strode along the downtown street toward the offices of DeGroot and Glenn Security.
Lee checked her coat pocket for her cigarettes and only then remembered she had smoked her last after breakfast. “Shit.” Her first inclination was to duck into the nearest convenience store, but then she stopped short, recalling the previous night’s promise to her son.
Finally, Lee shook her head and shot an apologetic look skyward. “Sorry, sweetheart; I meant what I said to Eli. I am going to do better, I swear. It’s just too hard to give up all my vices at once.”
She walked into the convenience store and bought a pack of cigarettes. As soon as she exited the shop, she lit up and drew in a deep lungful of smoke. When she reached the high-rise that housed DeGroot and Glenn, Lee put the cigarette out, exchanging knowing nods with two others who had fled the building’s “no smoking” policy.
Lee glanced at her watch as she rode the elevator to the nineteenth floor. She had an hour before their eleven o’clock appointment. It would give her time to get up to speed on their new client. Knowing Ann, she’ll have the file ready and waiting.
The thought of her long-time assistant brought a smile and then a guilty frown. She hadn’t asked Willem if Ann was still in their employ. Perhaps the woman had given up on her long-absent boss and left for more interesting fields. Lee held her breath until she rounded the corner to her office and saw Ann working at her usual desk.
Ann looked up and instantly burst into tears.
Lee stopped short. In twenty-five years, she had never seen her ultra-competent assistant get emotional about anything. “Aw, damn, do I look that bad? I swear I’ll go find a tailor today.”
Lee’s lame jest was ignored as Ann flew around the desk and wrapped her in a bear hug. “You look wonderful. And I could just…just…”
“Squeeze me to death?”
Ann drew away and smacked Lee’s arm with a stinging slap. “How could you give up like that? On yourself, on all of us? Dana would’ve kicked your ass—”
“From here to Vancouver and back. I know, Ann. I’m so sorry.” Lee shook her head contritely. She had the feeling that she was going to be making a lot of apologies over the next few days.
“Lee? Is that you?”
Lee and Ann turned at the sound of a familiar voice.
“Damn! As soon as I heard the news, I had to come see for myself. Sonofabitch. I’m so glad to have you back. And about friggin’ time, too.”
Lee laughed and extended her hand to the head of their technical department. “Happy to see you too, Barb.”
Barb shook Lee’s hand enthusiastically. “You back for good? You’re not just showing your colours, then disappearing again for six months?”
“She’s back for good. Aren’t you?”
Lee chuckled at Ann’s firm statement. “You heard what the lady said. Ann’s going to keep me chained to my desk from now on.”
“Excellent. Hey, you wanna go for lunch today? The Tudor Rose almost went under this past year without your patronage.”
“I’d love to, but Willem and I are meeting with a new client at eleven. I’m not sure how long that will take, but afterwards, I’m going to need to buy some new clothes. How about a rain check?”
“Sure. No problem. You know where you can find me.” Barb ambled out of the office and disappeared around the corner.
Ann plucked at Lee’s suit jacket. “I’m relieved to hear that you’re going to do some shopping. You look like a refugee from a hobo’s yard sale.”
Lee smiled at Ann affectionately. “I missed you too.”
Ann gave a tart sniff and turned away. But by the time Lee entered her office and hung up her jacket, Ann had returned with a cup of coffee. “You’ll find the information you need for the meeting filed under ‘Britten’.”
“Thanks. And Ann, thank you for...for holding down the fort. For not abandoning ship. A lot of people would have.”
Ann’s face softened, and her eyes glistened with tears again. “None of us gave up on you; none of us ever would. I hope you know that.”
“I do now. I just forgot for a little while.”
“Perfectly understandable. Now, do you want some time with Willem before eleven?”
“Yes. Ten minutes or so should be good. Thanks.”
Ann left the office and closed the door behind her.
Lee leaned back in the leather chair and slowly spun around, admiring the western view of the mountains through floor-to-ceiling windows. Her chest tightened as she remembered the first day she so proudly brought Dana to see her new corner office. For a long moment, Lee indulged the too familiar despair. No. Not now. I can’t do this now. I won’t do this now.
She turned back to her desk and, with a deep breath, switched on her computer.
Lee entered Willem’s ou
ter office, the twin of her own, at the opposite end of the long hallway. A new face sat behind the desk. Lee grinned inwardly as she wondered if Willem’s wife had laid down the law yet again. Willem had a weakness for lithe, blonde assistants, but the stout, middle-aged woman currently occupying the desk looked as if she had been handpicked by the formidable Mrs. Meena DeGroot.
“May I help you?”
“Yes. Would you please tell Willem that Lee Glenn is here to see him?”
“Oh, Ms. Glenn. I do apologize for not recognizing you.” The assistant’s gaze flashed to the picture on the wall. She stood and held out her hand, which Lee shook. “I’m Sophie Winston. I started with Mr. DeGroot four months ago. I’ll let him know you’re here.”
Lee nodded. She didn’t blame the new assistant. These days she didn’t look much like the picture taken when she and Willem had opened their security company twenty-five years earlier.
The inner office door burst open, and Willem hustled out. “Lee. I’m delighted to see you.” He shook her hand vigorously and regarded his partner with approval. “Why, you look a hundred times better already. Come. Come.” As Willem led Lee into his office, he called back over his shoulder, “Sophie, when Miss Britten arrives, show her right in.”
“Yes, sir.”
Willem closed the door and motioned Lee to the couch on the side of his office. “Sit. Can I have Sophie bring you a coffee?”
Lee took a seat and sank back in the soft leather. “No, thanks. I’ve been drinking Ann’s brew for the last hour, and you know how potent that stuff is.”
Willem laughed as he lowered his ponderous bulk to the couch. “I do indeed. She should market it as a guaranteed cure for fatigue. Remember how we used to rely on her coffee after we’d been out all night working?”
Lee laughed wryly. “Back when it was just you, me, and Ann, all crowded into one tiny basement office.”
Walking the Labyrinth Page 2
