If I didn’t know better, I would think she looks a little shy as she gathers her clutch and makes her way back to the door, back to me. I get a hint of her perfume as she reaches me and it’s so amazing, I just want to lick her from head to toe and everywhere in between. I can’t bring myself to move out of the way to let her pass. Instead I lean in and press my lips to her cheek, lingering longer than I should, my breath growing shallow and erratic as I struggle to compose myself. It’s only made harder when I hear her breath hitch, feeling the rapid rise and fall of her chest against my own.
“We should go… don’t want to miss our reservation.” I rip myself from her orbit and force myself over to the elevator. If I don’t put some distance between us right now I’ll be lifting her into the apartment and will have her naked and pinned to the wall in three seconds flat. Normally that would be my goal for the evening, but I need to talk to her, I need to understand how she was able to hide the broken so well. I didn’t see it coming and it was a sucker punch to the chest when she let her guard down.
I hold the door for the elevator open and flash her my brightest smile. “After you, gorgeous.”
She quietly steps in, graceful and stunning with every move of her body. She is a different girl tonight. I’m not sure how to handle this. I can deal with loud-mouthed, confident Addi – not always in the best way, but I can handle it. The vulnerable woman in front of me is staring at me with a look in her eyes that calls to some base desire inside me to protect her. THAT, I find harder to deal with.
On our way to the restaurant we make small talk, ignoring the elephant in the room – my appalling behavior last week. Addi isn’t the type to be overwhelmed or impressed by a fancy restaurant or a flash car, so none of my usual tactics have any effect on her; it’s sort of liberating and quite refreshing actually. We order drinks and finally start talking while we wait for our food.
“Thanks for letting me take you out tonight, Addi. I was such a fucking asshole last week I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again.” This groveling is obviously amusing to her.
“You’re right, Carter… you were a complete asshole, but I guess I can forgive you. I was a bit of a bitch the morning after our night together at my apartment, so let’s call it even.”
We chat back and forth about mundane topics until I have to mention what happened between us the last time we slept together.
“You probably don’t want to talk about it, but I genuinely want to know - what is going on with you? I know that look. The one you gave me when I accidentally touched you in the wrong place; the fear that flashed across your face when my fingers got too close – I’ve seen that look before and it fucking slayed me to see your sweet face looking so distraught. We don’t know each other that well, but we have an undeniable connection, and I want you to know that you can talk to me about it… if you want to.” I can see her shutting down as soon as the words leave my mouth.
We’re afforded a short reprieve when the waiter brings our dinner and tops off our drinks. I can see the cogs turning; watching her decide what to say to me.
“Look, Carter. It’s sweet that you’re worried about me, and I don’t know what you thought you saw in my eyes, or on my face, but it’s pretty simple. I don’t like ass play. It’s a one-way street and I don’t let any man go there, not even one as sexy as you.” She’s trying to distract me and I want to believe her, but I just fucking don’t. I see something of the same pain Vittoria suffered in her eyes, and she most definitely has not dealt with whatever happened.
“I never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable; I’m just worried about you.” She cuts me off before I can say anything else.
“Well, you don’t have to worry about me. I’m perfectly fine, and I don’t need your pity or your concern. We aren’t dating; we fucked a couple of times, and you know absolutely nothing about me, so whatever bullshit you think you know… just drop it.” She stands to leave, her eyes glassy with unshed tears.
“ADDISON. Sit the fuck down. I was only trying to look out for you. Obviously, I should have known better than to attempt anything deeper. I’m sorry. You warned me when I met you. We fucked… that’s it. I was putting my own bullshit on you… sorry. Please, sit down and at least finish your dinner.” I know my tone is a little sharp, but apparently she doesn’t respond to me being nice to her. At least I know where I stand now.
We stick to superficial topics for the rest of the evening, slipping back into our tried and tested roles as we shamelessly flirt, innuendos rife, and the sexual tension between us growing with every passing minute. This night is taking a direction I didn’t expect, but one that I want with every fiber of my being. I want my dick buried deep inside her so badly, I can feel myself harden right here at the table in the middle of the restaurant. She makes me lose all control when I’m around her, and the look in her eyes right now is one of pure lust. It is so fucking sexy.
“Take me home, Carter. I want you tonight.” I’m conflicted for all of two seconds.
I try to flag down our waiter but I can’t see him, so I try to get the attention of the waitress at the next table. “Excuse me, miss. Could we have the check please?” As she turns to answer, my heart sinks. I can see the recognition on her face, and all I want to do is get the hell out of Dodge before it blows up in my face, but it’s too late!
“Well, well, well. Onto your next willing victim, I see. At least she’s getting dinner before you bend her over, fuck her and then don’t call her.” Shit, shit, shit. One of my many conquests from the past ten days is standing in front of me looking pissed off and spiteful!
“You can’t even remember my name, can you?” She’s right, I can’t. All I could think about when I was fucking her, was the face of the girl sitting across from me.
“You certainly don’t waste any time, do you? Have you already slept with someone else in the two days between fucking me and lining up this poor slut?” Addi is up and making her way out of the restaurant before I can stop her.
“Don’t you fucking dare call her a slut. You were more than willing, so don’t play wounded. If you want a guy’s respect, don’t offer up your pussy on a platter and then expect to be treated like a princess.” I throw a few hundred dollar bills on the table and make a quick exit to find Addi.
She’s marching down the block, forcing me to run to catch up with her. “Addi, wait a minute, let me explain.” I try to grab her arm to stop her walking away, but she rips it from my grasp.
“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Carter. I know you’re a player; I knew it when we hooked up, I just didn’t realize that you had a conveyor belt going. I don’t intend to ride that train again, so I’ll be going now. Nice knowing you.” How dare she judge me.
“Don’t get all fucking high and mighty on me, Addi. I wanted you, and you know it. You were the one that ignored me, and then turned up in my club letting some random guy grope all over you.”
“I didn’t know it was your club! God. And you were the one that wound me up and then discarded me like I was nothing.”
She has some nerve.
“Don’t give me that bull, Addi. I came out to get you and you blew me off. Then I watched you get in the cab with that prick, so don’t accuse me of being a fucking player. You play the game pretty damn well yourself.”
“Yeah, I went home with him, and I fucked him, and it was great… fucking amazing actually. Best sex of my life.”
I can’t believe we are having this conversation in the middle of the goddamn street, but fuck it. “That’s a load of crap and you know it. I was there, remember… I KNOW how it felt when I was deep inside you, baby. You fucking loved it, and it scared the shit out of you.” I lean in close, my rage threatening to boil over.
“Tell me it wasn’t my face you saw while he fucked you. Tell me you weren’t imagining it was my cock hammering in and out of you, just so you could get off.”
“You arrogant bastard.” She starts hitting me, pounding o
n my chest.
“How many women have you slept with since we were together?”
“Why the fuck does that matter? You don’t even want me.”
“Just answer the goddamn question, Carter.”
I know I’m going to regret this. “SEVEN!! Are you happy now? Does that make you feel better, Addi? Since I watched you get into the car with that fucking dickhead I’ve slept with seven women trying to forget you, and two of them were at the same time! I pictured you every time just so I could shoot my load and get the fuck away from them, because none of them made me feel the way you do.” I have to hold her hands to stop her from hitting me as she struggles to contain her emotions.
“You disgust me you know that? Don’t ever touch me again. Let go of me… NOW.” I do as she asks, the look of defeat and disappointment on her face, stabbing a knife into my heart.
“Addi, this isn’t easy for either of us. I don’t ever let women in; I don’t normally do the relationship thing; and I don’t talk about my feelings – because generally I don’t have any when it comes to women I sleep with. I know that sounds shitty, but I have my own demons to bear and this is how I’ve dealt with them. Then you come along and wreck it, making me feel… I don’t even fucking know what I feel, but I know this much - I want you, I want to be inside you, giving you pleasure and watching the way your body moves as you come apart beneath me.”
“Don’t spin me another one of your bullshit lines.” Now I’m fucking angry. I just poured my heart out and this is what I get?
“It’s not a fucking line, Addi. Here’s the reality. If you hadn’t shut me out after our last night together, I wouldn’t have slept with any of those women. I would have been worshipping your body; indulging your every desire; begging you to ride my cock. But that wasn’t the case, and I dealt with it the only way I know how.”
A single tear rolls down her cheek as she drops her head in defeat.
“I need to go. Please… just let me go. Whatever this is between us… this attraction… it’s toxic, for both of us. I don’t want to see you again, Carter. Don’t call; don’t try to contact me at all. Let’s just walk away while we’re both still relatively unscathed… Please.” The pain in her eyes kills me, and I know I need to let her go.
“I’m sorry, Addi.” I kiss her cheek, inhaling the scent of her, letting it ingrain itself in my memory before I turn and walk away, forcing each step; every stride away from her causing a tightening in my chest that I don’t understand. I barely know this girl and yet I’m fighting the urge to turn and take one last look at her; to go back and claim her, to fuck her until neither of us can question the physical connection we share. Fuck, I hate this. I need to talk to Xander and get my head straightened out.
ADDI
The tears stream down my face as I watch him walk into the distance. I asked him to do it, but it still hurts to see his strong, broad shoulders getting further away from me without so much as a second glance in my direction. I guess he wasn’t as bothered as he made out to be. I can’t believe I fell for his bullshit player moves. I practically begged him to take me home, even after the stunt he pulled last week.
I know I did the right thing asking him not to contact me again, because I have a weak spot when it comes to him. Why? I don’t know. Everything about him speaks to me on a molecular level, and apparently, I lack any self-control around him. I know it’s for the best… so why do I feel like someone just ripped my guts out?
As I walk back to my apartment I soak in the New York atmosphere, letting it wash over me, trying to stop myself from going to my bad place, which I affectionately call ‘the abyss.’ I think I’m fighting a losing battle as the darkness wraps its creeping tendrils around me, the storm of emotional turmoil quieting like the eye of a storm. I am at the epicenter of all the pain, all of the hurt, and an eerie calm washes over me. Everything I’m feeling - ceases in an instant; I no longer feel anything. I’m an empty shell. Carter becomes a picture in my mind, with no attachments, no fear, and no sadness. This is how I survive the bad in my life; how I deal with it.
By the time I reach the lobby of my apartment, I am completely numb, ready to paint on a smile, and my signature Addi charms for Lily. If it wasn’t for her I would have succumbed to the darkness that bubbles beneath the surface a long time ago.
I'm one of those people that everyone sees and thinks I have it all - looks, money, a family that love me, and the best friend a girl could ever wish for. All of those things are true, but unbeknown to everyone around me, the other truth in my life is that Gavin broke me, and fundamentally changed who I am. Carter is just a symptom of that. He seems like a genuine guy, a bit of a player, but he pulls it off with such swagger that you want him even if it’s just for one night. I was under no illusions that I could change him, and I don't want to, that's what is so confusing about the way tonight played out.
I was so upset seeing that waitress, and hearing about the women he slept with since we hooked up. Ridiculous, right? I did the same thing with Colin, but I hated every minute of it, and wished it hadn't happened the second it was over. I really am a colossal twat. That much is certain.
Graduation is tomorrow and I should be looking for a job with all of my free time, but my main goal over the past two days has been to eat my own body weight in junk food. I have managed to spend some time with Lily, which is becoming a rare commodity now that she’s with Xander. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond happy for her, and he’s a cool guy, but I could really use my friend at the moment. She’s been going for interviews, making plans, and getting laid… A LOT. Me? I’m in limbo. I majored in advertising and would like to go into the field, but my motivation is non-existent. I guess I suffer from spoiled rich girl syndrome, along with extreme fucked-up-itis. I just need to get through graduation with a smile on my face and then I can get my drink on with Lil. I need a drama free night, so freaking bad.
I head to bed early with only my dreams for company; the same dream I’ve had every night since Spyder – I relive our interaction… and every night it plays out the same. There is no fight, no frustration, there is only kissing, fondling, caressing and the fucking I so desperately crave. It is glorious and mind-blowing, but every morning I wake up sweating and damp between my thighs; so frustrated I can’t even think straight until I give in and replay the dream with my battery-operated boyfriend below the sheets. I tease my sweet spot, imagining it to be the strong, firm, warm hand of Carter de Rossi. It makes me want him 24/7, and it makes me hate him all the more for it.
I’ve never gotten myself off so much in all my life… if I don’t get over this fantasy soon, Energizer is going to run out of stock! I might even have spent a little extra time with the showerhead today, just to alleviate the remnants of my frustration before getting dressed and ready to graduate.
Lily and I have an amazing day together. We cheer each other on as we accept our degrees, and I try my best to run interference between her and her family. She was a little apprehensive about Xander seeing how they treat her, but I know it won’t change the way he feels about her. He called me the other day to ask if she had a valid passport, which only means one thing… he’s taking her abroad, and you don’t plan trips like that unless you’re in love with the person, and he is definitely a total goner when it comes to my best friend.
I leave them and make my way to Jason’s restaurant with my parents. It’s so nice to share today with them, to feel surrounded by the love and acceptance of my family. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until my daddy gave me a crushing hug and told me how proud he is. It’s comforting to bask in the glow of family and friends.
Jason has decked out the restaurant and spared no expense. It is definitely more for Lily - it has Xander written all over it, but I’ll take what I can get. Today has been a perfect day. I have my best friend, my family, my Jason. The drinks are flowing, the food will be phenomenal and we’ll be doing some major celebrating later after the oldies go home. Lily found out she got t
he job that she wanted, she’s going to be travelling with Mr. Moneybags to somewhere awesome I’m sure, and obviously we were already going to celebrate graduation with some dirty dancing. I’m giddy at the prospect of such a fun evening.
At the sound of the doors to the restaurant opening, I lift my gaze… Shit! I see the imposing, delectable figure that is Logan, and realization kicks in… he won’t be here alone. As if I willed him into existence, Carter emerges from the doorway and my heart drops like a stone, through my chest, cascading down my body, and smashing onto the floor with an almighty thud. Panic rises as our eyes lock; his - broken as he registers what must be a look of horror on my face. I can’t do this. I can’t stare into the depths that have plagued my dreams for days. Self-preservation is all I can handle.
I take my seat while everyone welcomes them. I give Logan a nod of acknowledgement, and can feel Carter’s eyes burning into me, begging me to give him a glance, a nod, a smile… anything, but all I can do is stare at the place card with my name on it and pray that he can’t see my heart hammering in my chest.
After trying to distract myself talking to my parents throughout dinner, I can’t help taking a peek when I hear Lily’s sisters laughing in a totally obvious way, and very loudly flirting with Logan and Carter. I want to rip their tiny little heads off when I see them shamelessly shoving their chests out and twirling their hair. Are we in junior high again with these lame moves? The waiter comes over to take our drink orders while dessert is being served, and I take the opportunity to order the strongest alcoholic drink I can stomach. I need some more liquid courage if I am going to survive tonight.
Unfortunately for me, Lily manages to catch my eye and I know she wants me to meet her in the bathroom – best friend code; a death stare means get to the bathroom NOW! I steel myself for whatever she has to say, but I am not prepared for her outburst the moment the door closes behind us.
Relentless - Manhattan Knights Series Book Two Page 6
