“Yeah, that’s what Gavin used to say, too. I believed him like a chump and look where that got me.”
“Don’t you dare fucking compare me to that piece of shit.”
“If the shoe fits! You’re a player, Carter, and once a player, always a player.” I can’t believe she’s comparing me to him.
“Are you kidding me with this bullshit? Let’s talk about a leopard changing its spots then, shall we? When we were first together, you purposely pushed me away, then brought another guy to my club, and took him home to let him fuck you, just to spite me.”
“That’s not true.”
“It fucking is! Okay, so you didn’t know it was my club, but when you were beneath me in my office, I knew you wanted me, I could see the desire in your eyes, I could feel your heart hammering against my chest. You wanted ME and you let some douchebag, random guy, fuck you. By your standards, should I be worried about you doing that now?”
“I would never do that to you.” Her eyes fill with tears.
“But you think I’m heartless enough to do it to you, and do it when you’re pregnant with my child? Wow. You have a high opinion of me, Addi. Thank you for the vote of confidence.”
“What do you want me to think? You disappear for fifteen minutes and when I find you, some waitress has her hand down your pants.”
“I want you to BELIEVE me. I was on the phone dealing with work, and when I ended the call she was there, trying to get me to notice her. I told her I wasn’t interested. I tried to walk away - she didn’t fucking listen and shoved her number in my pocket. How is any of that my fault?”
Her angry exterior softens. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m just not feeling very sexy right now, and hot girls throwing themselves at you makes me crazy. I believe you.”
I pull her into my arms, but I can feel her reluctance. “Thank you. You know I love you, Addi. Only you. And you are the sexiest woman on the planet to me.” Her body relaxes as she snakes her arms around my waist, allowing me to comfort her. “Now can we get back to your party, and celebrate what a lucky son of a bitch I am to have you?” She nods against my chest but refuses to look up at me. I lift her chin, forcing her to make eye contact, and when she does, I’m upset to see tears in her eyes. I wipe them away with my thumbs. “Don’t cry, cara mia. C’è solo te, sarà sempre voi.” [There is only you, it will always be you.] I claim her mouth in a fierce kiss, entreating her to keep faith, to trust me. We make our way back to the party, but Addi never really gets back into the spirit of things, and by 1 a.m. she’s asking me to take her home.
The ride back to her apartment is tense and painfully quiet; I hate it when things are like this between us, and the deafening silence continues until I close the door behind us. Addi is on me in a second, clawing at me, kissing me, begging me to make her feel better.
“Please, Carter. I need to feel you. I need to know that I’m yours, only me.” I fist my hands in her hair as she pushes my back against the door.
“You’re it for me, Addi. There is no one else.” I ravage her mouth as she grinds her body against mine, moving her hand down to rub my already rock-hard cock, so turned on by her desperate need for me. I savor every touch of her hands as she starts to unbutton my pants and push them down my legs, along with my boxers, letting my erection spring free. I am so ready for her, to claim her as mine, again and again and again.
As my pants hit the floor, my keys fall out of the pocket, crashing onto the hardwood floor. We both startle at the sound, looking to see what caused it, and that’s when my stomach lurches at the sight before me. Along with my keys, there’s a napkin on the floor with a bright red lipstick mark, and a crude message on it:
I want to taste your big hard cock. Call me 555-6981 Angel x
You have got to be fucking kidding me. How could I forget to take that out of my pocket? Addi quickly swipes it off the floor, before waving it in my face; fury marring her flawless features.
“Thought you’d just hang onto this, did you? What are you waiting for? Angel is obviously ready and waiting to ‘taste your big hard cock,’ Carter.” She throws it at my chest and storms off, leaving me with my pants at my ankles.
I pull them up, not even bothering to zip them, before striding over to her. “What the fuck, Addi? I forgot to take it out of my pocket. It’s not a big deal. Do NOT read into it. I was busy with you, and I just forgot.”
She spins around to face me, frantic and distraught. “Have you slept with a lot other girls while we’ve been together?”
“What the HELL? That’s a fucking leap. So, I’ve gone from getting a number I didn’t want, to fucking her at your birthday party, to sleeping with multiple women while I’ve been dating you?”
“You’re avoiding answering me. How many?” Her detached, cold tone of voice devastates me.
“NONE. I don’t know how else to say it. Zilch, nada, zero… fucking NONE!”
“DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME, CARTER! I see the way women look at you. You click your fingers and they come running, with their panties at their ankles.”
“OH MY GOD! I don’t WANT anyone else, Addi. Goddammit!”
“So you’ve miraculously transformed from a man-whore who likes fucking two women at once, to being a stand-up family man, content and completely satisfied with just me? Not fucking likely! I’m not that good a lay, and I’m NOT going to sit around here with our baby, while you’re off fucking whoever you damn well please at the club every night. I’m not going to be that person again.”
I am fucking dumbstruck.
“I can’t stand here and listen to you tear me apart for no good reason. This is all on you. If you can’t trust me over something as easily explained as this, then there is no hope for us. I actually feel sick to my stomach that you could think, even for a second, that I would cheat on you. It’s even worse that you think I would do it when you’re carrying my child. My enemies hold me in higher esteem than you do, Addi.” I start pacing the floor, feeling like the walls are closing in all around me. “I can’t do this, Addi.” She’s breaking my fucking heart all over again. “I will be there for you and the baby 100%, whatever you need. But us… I don’t think there can BE an ‘us’ anymore. Too much has happened. We’re not good for each other. We’re toxic together; explosive in the best and worst possible ways. I need to put the baby first now, ahead of my own wants and desires. And God, do I want you, Addi. Never doubt that. But if you can’t trust me, then we have nothing.”
Tears fall from her eyes, and all I want to do is hold her and tell her everything is going to be alright.
“There are three people in our relationship, Addi. You, me… and Gavin. You can’t live your life expecting every guy to be like him. He was a dick that didn’t deserve you. I’m the guy that would throw himself under a bus, rather than hurt you like he did. I would give up everything I have to be with you, to have you trust me; to have you trust that what we have is special.”
She takes a step toward me but I can’t let her touch me, not just now.
“You’re ripping my heart out all over again.” My voice is thick with the hurt forming a ball in my throat, closing off my air supply. “You promised me. You asked me to take the leap with you and trust you. I did that. You are the one that can’t be trusted, not me. I’ve never given you any reason not to trust me. You on the other hand, have pushed me away, and run away from me more times than I can count. I’m not made of steel, Addi. You can’t just keep doing this to me and expect me not to break.”
I scrub my hand over my stubble, struggling to contain my devastation.
“You walked away from me when I put my heart on the line for you, and it damn near killed me. I can’t trust you not to do it again, not after your clear lack of faith in us tonight. I need to walk away from this before you break me beyond what I can come back from. I can’t become that guy. I don’t want to be that guy. I’m going to be a father.”
I close the distance between us, pulling her close, kissing her
forehead. I reach into my jacket pocket to pull out her birthday present; still clinging to her as I find her hand and close it around the box. “If you ever doubt where my heart and my loyalties lie, look at this, Tesoro. You ARE my heart, but you can’t be trusted to cherish it the way I cherish yours.” I try to pull away, but she holds on tight. “I need to go. I’m sorry.” I pry her hands from around my waist. “I’ll be in touch soon to help you get organized for the baby. Anything you need, you just have to ask. You will always be the love of my life, Addi. Nothing will ever change that. I’m just hoping that one day, you realize it.”
She lets me leave without a word. She doesn’t put up a fight. She has never put up a fight for me, and that’s part of the problem.
ADDI
Carter and I haven’t seen each other since the night of my birthday party; since I let him just walk out the door without asking him to stay. I don’t know why I did that - I’ve asked myself every day since it happened. I love him more than anything in the world, but I let the part of me that is ruled by my past, by Gavin, take over. I just shut down.
When Carter left, I sat for at least an hour staring into nothingness, before I opened his gift. The most stunning locket I’ve ever seen, engraved with our initials on either side of a gorgeous red ruby. Inside – a picture of us together in Verona, and one of our baby. It’s the most thoughtful, heartfelt gift anyone has ever given me.
I immediately put it on, and I haven’t taken it off since. When I touch my hand to the cool metal, I remember his words to me - If you ever doubt where my heart and my loyalties lie, look at this, Tesoro. You ARE my heart, but you can’t be trusted to cherish it the way I cherish yours.
I know he’s right. I don’t deserve his heart. I’ve done nothing but batter, bruise, and break it beyond repair, since the moment we met. I’ve cried so many tears, I’m surprised that my eyes haven’t dried out yet. From one day to the next I go from inconsolable, uncontrollable sobbing, to a steely determination to win Carter back, to earn his trust, and make myself worthy of his love again.
I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and call him so many times, a text, an email, anything to be in contact with him, and every time, I stop myself, unsure of what to say, scared that he will reject me, that he’ll dash what little hope I’m hanging onto, that I can make things right.
After six days of staring at my phone, I finally plucked up the courage to text and ask him to come to my OB/GYN appointment with me. He was the one that suggested we go out for lunch first and have a talk about where we go from here. I know he meant what we’re going to do about the baby, how it will work because we’re not a couple, but I’m hoping that I will be able to change that, because this past week has been unbearable. I’ve missed him every minute of every day. I have some serious freaking groveling to do, but I will do anything it takes to make things right between us. I really messed up last week; I let my insecurities get the better of me, and I punished Carter for Gavin’s mistakes… again.
I’m nervous as hell about seeing Carter today. After our fight last week and our break up, I feel like this is my last chance. Maybe that ship has already sailed, but I need to at least try.
I’ve not been feeling so great since I got up this morning, but I’m putting it down to nerves. I haven’t been able to eat anything, worrying about what I’m going to say to Carter when I see him. I’ve been getting shooting pains in my stomach, but they pass quickly. I’m not particularly worried about it, I’m thirty weeks along now and the midwife said I could start getting Braxton Hicks contractions around this time.
I’m excited to let Carter feel the baby kicking. It’s been a quiet little thing for the most part, but today it’s kicking the hell out of me and I can actually see my belly moving. It’s amazing and mind-blowing, and I want to share it with him. I want to share everything with him.
Time seems to drag this morning. I’m ready way too early, hair and make-up flawless, a pretty maternity dress that accentuates my bump, just the way Carter likes it. The only thing left for me to do is take my daily pregnancy vitamins. I head into the bathroom to get them from the cabinet, when an agonizing pain rips through my body.
I manage to grab hold of the edge of the sink, curling my fingers around it so tight that my knuckles turn white. I’m trying to breathe through the pain, but it’s stealing my breath away as I try to take even the tiniest of gasps. I feel like a red-hot knife has been thrust into my abdomen, and is being dragged from one side of me to the other.
My vision goes blurry as my knees buckle under the intense pain, and I drop to the floor, twisting onto my side, trying anything to alleviate this unbearable torture that is wreaking havoc on my body. I don’t have my phone with me, it’s sitting on the kitchen counter. I know I need to get to it and call Carter, but I can’t move. Tears stream down my face as I rock myself, breathing through the overwhelming agony.
My brain starts playing tricks on me, taking me back four years to the last time I felt anything even close to this level of pain. I can hear Gavin’s voice, cold, cruel, and evil – taunting me, scaring me, threatening me. I snap back into the present wish a gush of warmth between my legs. I can see crimson liquid running down my legs and onto the floor tiles; a stark, terrifying contrast to the cold white marble.
“Oh God, No. Please, not again. Not our baby. Not Carter’s baby.”
With every move I make, there’s a searing, burning agony, crushing me from the inside, but my instincts kick in and I force myself up onto my hands and knees, my body shaking against this brutal internal assault. I slowly crawl toward the bathroom door, but the energy I expel to make it 6 ft. to the entrance is too much for me, and I slump against the heavy wooden door frame. I shift my gaze to where I’ve just come from, and all I see are thick streaks of dark red blood.
An anguished sob rips from my throat, staring at the evidence that something is very wrong. My baby is in danger and needs my help. I cling to that thought, using it to dull the excruciating agony, channeling what little energy I have left into moving my muscles, making my arms and legs work together to pull me out into the hallway.
The distance between where I am, and the kitchen, seems like an insurmountable task; my phone, high up on the counter, an impossible goal. The feeling of blood trickling down my legs is a constant reminder that I need to keep moving; I need to get help; I need Carter.
Every move forward is a victory, every look back, a defeat. The trail of blood behind me is petrifying. I’m starting to feel drowsy, my head dipping, my consciousness teetering on the edge. I can’t see straight, through the torrent of tears that are coursing down my cheeks.
“Carter. Please. I need you.”
Through my silent pleas, I know that he will be expecting me, he’ll wonder why I haven’t shown up. The fear that he’ll think I just ran away the same way I always do, is a devastating blow.
“Please, have faith in me.”
I am hoping beyond hope that he will come to my rescue. That he will come looking for me.
I hear my cell ringing, vibrating against the counter top; I’m so close, and yet so far away from the help on the other end of the line. I feel like every ring is mocking me, provoking me, making me angry that I can’t reach it.
“Goddammit. Why is this happening to me?”
When I finally make it to the kitchen, I’m hysterical, laughing and crying that I’ve made it, but I need to take a moment to gather some strength. I need to stand up and grab my phone. I try to steady my breathing, but my heart is racing. It’s going too fast, but I don’t know how to slow it down.
The smeared trail of blood behind me causes bile to rise into my throat, a physical manifestation of my horror and fear. I manage to pull myself into a sitting position, my back against the cabinets, my head resting against the hard, unforgiving wood. I close my eyes, just for a second, trying to focus on my breathing, but when I try to open them again, I feel like I have weights attached to my lids, making it almost impossible for me
to lift them.
“Carter.”
My world starts to spin, fading in and out, my body slowly slumping toward the floor. In my head, I’m screaming at myself to get up, knowing that every downward movement is taking me further away from my phone, further away from the help that I so desperately need, further away from him.
The apartment is so quiet. I’m all alone. I can feel the life draining from my body, and I am helpless to do anything about it. My body is consumed by an overwhelming cold, a bone deep, chilling exhaustion. I try to fight against it, but I can’t. I’m just one woman, and I don’t have any fight left. Maybe if I let myself rest for a little while… just a few minutes – I will have enough energy to get up.
I curl my hands around my stomach; my last act of protection.
“It’s ok, baby. Daddy will be here soon; daddy will find us. I love your daddy so much. Daddy will save you….”
I feel a rush of relief as I give in to the cold darkness. The pain dissipates and my body stops shaking. I can feel my breathing grow shallow and my heart rate slowing down. The single thought that keeps me from letting it completely consume me, is the image of Carter, holding our baby in his arms.
I want to see that… I want to be a part of that… I want to live…
THUD! THUD! THUD!
“ADDI!”
CARTER
Addi was supposed to meet me an hour ago. I waited in the restaurant like an idiot, just hoping that she would turn up with some crazy story about why she was late. Instead, I stared at my phone, willing it to ring, while the waiter looked at me as if I’d had a death in the family. This is exactly what I’m talking about, this is why we can’t work – I can’t even trust her to show up! I love her so much, and I keep waiting for her to prove me wrong, but it’s becoming glaringly obvious that she doesn’t want to trust me, and I can’t trust her.
I take a cab over to her apartment, running through every possible scenario of why she would blow me off like this. I’m so pissed right now, but I’m trying to stay calm because she’s pregnant, and I love her more than life itself.
Relentless - Manhattan Knights Series Book Two Page 25
