by E. L. Todd
Lowering my gaze was answer enough.
“You’re attracted to me. We have everything in common. We have the same career. We want the same things in life. You think I care that you can’t have kids? Absolutely not. We’ll adopt. As long as I’m with you, I’m happy.”
A part of me wished I’d gotten with Kyle instead of Neil. Being in a stable relationship with a man who truly wanted me would be such a nice change of pace. I kept falling for the wrong men, the guys who would never love me. Neil was wonderful…but he would never give me what I wanted. It would only end one way—badly.
“Come on, I know you’re thinking about it.”
“Kyle…I’m in love with Neil.”
His eyes remained steady, but his confidence dipped.
“I don’t know how it happened. I told myself not to allow it to happen, but it did anyway. I know Neil is gonna leave me and I know it’s going to hurt, but I don’t want to walk away any sooner than I have to. Being in love with a man who doesn’t love me is painful. It’s something I would never wish on someone else…including you. Maybe you’re the better choice, maybe you’re the guy who can give me everything I want. But Kyle, you’re an amazing man. You’re handsome, smart, successful…hot. You deserve to be with a woman who loves you the moment she lays eyes on you. You don’t deserve to be with a woman who only noticed you because you made her notice you.”
“I didn’t make you notice me, Charlotte. You’ve always been attracted to me. Our timing is the problem. If I’d met you before you married that asshole, we’d be happy right now. If I went for you before Neil came into the picture, we’d be happy right now. If we get the timing right, this could be perfect—”
“I just told you I’m in love with someone else.”
“But he’ll leave you—just like Cameron. And that’s when I’ll get my shot.”
“Kyle…no.”
“Yes.”
“No. We need to stop seeing each other.”
His eyes narrowed farther.
“I can’t keep doing this to you, giving you false hope when I have no idea what the future holds. Maybe I’ll meet someone else the day after Neil dumps me. Maybe I won’t. I can’t be friends with someone when there’s that kind of pressure. We need to stop seeing each other…for good. I know there’s an amazing woman out there for you. Way better than I’ll ever be.”
“Charlotte, I’ve been with so many women—”
“I’m not going to change my mind about this. I don’t want to see you anymore. I’ll move to Memorial Hospital so we don’t have to see each other at work—”
“You’re overreacting.”
“No, I’m not. This hurts me so much, but it’s the best thing for you.”
“I don’t need you to do what’s best for me.” He moved closer to me, his thick arms stretching his sleeves even more. A shadow was across his jaw, dark like his eyes. He was a gorgeous man, and it didn’t surprise me that he picked up any woman he wanted. His body was as beautiful as his face, but not as beautiful as his good heart. “I’m a man who can take care of myself. I don’t go home crying like a pussy. I’m patient. And when the time is right, you’ll be mine.”
That was why I had to walk away, to destroy any shred of hope he had. If I didn’t hurt him now, I would just hurt him more later. “I’ll never be yours, Kyle. Now get out of my house, or I’ll ask Neil to throw you out.”
He continued to stare me down like that threat meant nothing to him. “I’m not afraid of Space Boy. I’m not afraid of a man who uses a woman to get what he wants. But I’ll leave…because you asked me to.”
Neil lay beside me in bed, his fingers gently moving up and down my back as he tried to soothe me. When Kyle walked out, I let my tears fall, let my heart sob until my emotions were spent. But my eyes were red and puffy when he came home, so it was obvious I’d been crying.
Now he comforted me…like he always did.
Neil continued to watch me, his eyes full of sympathy. “Now what?”
“I have a lot of sick days I haven’t used, so I’ll use that time to get into Memorial. They’ve offered me a job in the past, but I turned them down because I wanted to keep working with Kyle.”
“That’s a good plan. So, you’re never going to talk to him again?”
I shook my head. “I can’t keep being friends with him. He’ll never move on with someone else if he’s always around me… It’s the right thing to do.”
“You’re a good friend. Most women would probably like having a guy under their thumb.”
“Maybe…but I love him too much. I only want the best for him.”
He pulled my leg over his hip and brought us closer together, our noses almost touching. When he came over, we stripped out of our clothes and snuggled in bed together. Sex wasn’t on the table tonight because I just wasn’t in the mood.
“Maybe he can still make it work with Lizzie now that you guys aren’t seeing each other anymore.”
“Yeah…” I didn’t tell Neil the entire truth. I told him that Kyle couldn’t move on because we spent so much time together. I kept the rest a secret…since it probably would make Neil uncomfortable. Kyle wanted me to dump Neil since it wouldn’t last forever anyway, and I doubted Neil would appreciate it. And I didn’t want Neil to know I loved him either.
“Maybe someday he’ll fall in love, and then you can really be friends.”
“Yeah, I would love that.” But even then, I doubted it could happen. If a guy like Kyle had been waiting around for years to be with me, that meant his feelings were pretty serious. And if they were that serious, then it would probably always be a problem. I had to accept the terrible truth…that Kyle would never be in my life again.
Neil rested his lips against my forehead and gave me a gentle kiss. His fingertips ran up my back, gently comforting me as I battled the pain inside my chest. He never got angry about Kyle’s feelings toward me, probably because this wasn’t forever, because I was his girlfriend, but this wasn’t a long-term relationship. He didn’t get jealous…because I was never really his.
I called in sick for the next few days at work and had an interview with Memorial. Thankfully, I got the job, and they said I could start right away. It was wrong to put my two weeks in even though I took off every single day for sick leave, but it was the only way I could avoid Kyle.
He texted me that afternoon. I can’t believe you’re serious about this.
I blocked his number…even though I felt like shit doing it.
I went to Stacy’s place afterward. Vic wasn’t home because he was working late on a big case. We sat together at the table, both drinking iced tea because Stacy couldn’t have any of the good stuff.
“You got a job at Memorial?” she asked in surprise. “I thought they’d offered you a job with better pay, but you turned it down?”
“I did. But I changed my mind.”
“Why?”
The pay was much better. I would be working five days but making three bucks more an hour, which added up to an additional twenty-four bucks a day. In the long run, that would make contributions to my savings and retirement much more sizeable. “Kyle and I…aren’t friends anymore.”
“Wow, that bitch really sunk her claws into him.”
“Actually, he broke it off with her…because of me.”
“Oh no. This sounds like a bad story.”
“It is.” I dug my fingers into my hair even though it made it messy. I didn’t care about my appearance anymore, didn’t care about anything anymore. “Lizzie wanted him to stop seeing me because she suspected he still had feelings for me. He admitted that he did…and chose me. Then he told me he’s been in love with me since we met, and he’s been waiting for his chance.”
“Wow, he dropped a lot on you.”
“Yeah…it was a lot. As he was talking, I realized we can never really be friends. Not now. Not ever. If I’m always going to sabotage every relationship he has, it’s just not right. So, I decided to bow out.”
“Does that mean you aren’t friends anymore?”
I nodded. “I blocked him from my phone and everything.”
“Jesus…that’s a little cold.”
“I have to be. I can’t keep hurting him. The less he sees me, the less he thinks about me. Then he’ll stop thinking about me altogether…and find someone good for him.”
Stacy propped her chin on her knuckles as she considered everything I’d said. “And there’s no chance you might want to be with him someday?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t want him to wait around for the slim chance that happens.”
“Why is it so slim? When Neil leaves, you’ll be alone. Is there really any other guy you’d rather be with than Kyle?”
“I don’t know, but I don’t want to make a commitment to something when I have no idea how I might feel about it in the future. Maybe I’ll meet someone else I like. I don’t know. Right now, I’m with Neil…and I’m happy.”
“Until he breaks your heart,” she reminded me.
Like I’d forgotten how this love story ends. “I know how you feel about me and Neil. You don’t need to remind me.”
“I just don’t understand why you’d fall for the guy you can’t have.”
“I haven’t fallen for him—”
“I know you’re in love with him, Char. Come on, you think I can’t tell?”
I lowered my gaze in shame.
“I don’t blame you… He’s a great guy.”
He was more than just great. He was kind, ambitious, amazing in bed… I didn’t think I’d fall in love again so quickly. I thought it would be years before my heart was able to feel anything besides heartbreak.
“I just think you need to stop messing around with the wrong guys and start being with the right guy. Kyle is the right guy. I know he is.”
“I’m not in love with him, Stacy.”
“If you gave him a chance, you would be.”
“Well, I’m with Neil. I can’t even picture myself with anyone else but him.”
“I know…but in a couple months, it’s going to be over. You’ll have to pick up the pieces and start over…again.”
And I wasn’t looking forward to it. I wasn’t looking forward to hitting rock bottom, to watching Neil walk away with a strong back and powerful shoulders. He would move on to the next phase in his life while I remained behind. I would be a memory to him shortly, and when enough women had graced his bed, he might not remember me at all. I’d known this would happen when he came to my door and told me how he felt. I told myself I would deal with the consequences later.
Now, there was no going back. I would have to get my heart broken again…and this time, it would be even worse.
19
Neil
There was little daylight left after work in the winter, so we hurried to the outdoor basketball court to get in a few shots. It was a cold day, but we were dressed in shorts and t-shirts because we worked up a sweat regardless of the temperature.
“Stacy told me about Kyle.”
There were times when I didn’t like Kyle, the way he stared at Charlotte like she was the only woman in the room…and the planet. I picked up on his infatuation before I even knew how he felt about her. But when I remembered that our relationship wouldn’t last, it didn’t bother me so much. Kyle was a good guy who cared about Charlotte the way a man should care about his woman. So how could I be mad about it? “She started her new position at Memorial. Seems to like it so far.”
“It’ll be weird not to see Kyle again.”
“I don’t see why you and Stacy can’t see him.”
“I said the same thing. But then Stacy reminded me that the one thing we have in common is Charlotte, so it’ll probably be awkward.” Vic dribbled the ball then made the shot from half-court.
“I guess you’re right.”
“It’s so shitty, but I think Char did the right thing.”
I grabbed the ball and dribbled it a bit before I passed it back to him. “I do too.”
“She could leave him dangling forever, but she didn’t. That’s the kind of person she is, would never hurt anyone if she could avoid it.”
He was right. I should have been the same way. I should have stayed away from her so I wouldn’t have to hurt her when I left. I could tell her I loved her, but that would just make it worse. It would make her hope for a future instead of moving on to someone who deserved her. I didn’t regret the time I spent with her…but I did regret not making a better decision.
Vic dribbled the ball to the hoop then dunked it. “What’s on your mind?”
“Just thinking about what you said.”
“Seems like it’s more than that.”
I shrugged. “Maybe I should have stayed away from her. Now she loves me, and I’m going to leave anyway.”
He rolled his eyes. “I literally said the exact same thing, Neil.”
“I know…but I was too selfish to listen.” I dribbled the ball and took the shot. But I missed.
“Too late now.” Vic grabbed the ball and dribbled it between his legs. “I hope she and Kyle get together…eventually. He’s a good guy who genuinely cares about her. It’s unfortunate that you came into the picture and got between them.”
“Wow…that’s an asshole thing to say.”
“Is it?” he asked, still dribbling the ball. “I told you from the beginning I didn’t like this. I told you Charlotte needed a good guy, not another Cameron. Don’t expect me to take back what I said. I meant it.”
“I told you I loved her.”
“But you don’t love her enough.” He jumped in the air and made the shot. “When a man loves a woman, he’ll do anything for her. He’ll make any sacrifice to keep her. You’ve made it very clear that your career will always be number one. So, under my definition of love, you don’t make the cut.” He passed the ball to me, thrusting it hard. “I get that you are a part of something big and special. But love is bigger than everything. If you really loved Charlotte, you would know.”
“Ouch.” He doubted my feelings based on my actions, but he didn’t understand what was on the line. I represented the American people, the population of the entire world. When I’d dedicated my life to this, I knew there would be no going back. I worked too hard to get there, and I wasn’t going to step back to prove anything. “When I said I loved her, I meant it. Just because I’m committed to something doesn’t negate what I said.”
“Maybe. But I also think if you really loved her, you wouldn’t let some guy take your spot. You know Kyle will move in once you’re gone.”
I knew he would take my place instantly, be grateful for the chance to have a woman like Charlotte. Thinking about it made me sick to my stomach. But the idea of asking her to wait for me until I returned to Earth seemed worse. How could I ask someone to wait three years for me? To put everything on hold when I may not come back at all? And what if that wasn’t the only mission? What if I took another? That was no life for Charlotte. She wanted the life we had now, where I came home every night and took Torpedo for a walk.
Vic grabbed the ball again and tucked it into my side. He watched me, like he expected me to fire back after what he said. “Right?”
I knew my brother would be over the moon if I stopped everything to be with Charlotte, not just because I would make her happy, but because I would be around for the foreseeable future. But I couldn’t give up that dream, not for her or anyone else.
When I said nothing, he dribbled the ball back to the hoop and dropped the conversation entirely.
Because there was nothing left to say.
It’d been a couple of weeks since Charlotte ended her friendship with Kyle. She was down for a while, but once enough time had passed and the dust settled, she started to return to her bubbly self.
“Every time it’s someone’s birthday, they have a cake in the break room. It sounds nice in theory, but I keep eating a slice every couple of days. At this rate, this new job wi
ll make me gain a couple pounds.”
“The more curves, the better.”
“Thanks, but I don’t know about that.” She sat across from me at the dinner table, eating her chicken on a bed of noodles. She was a decent cook when she used her own recipes, and a lot of the time, she had dinner prepared when I came home.
It was nice, because I could imagine how our lives would be if I stayed.
She stirred her noodles around then lifted her gaze to look at me. “You’re quiet tonight.”
“I’m always quiet.”
“More than usual.”
I shrugged. “I keep thinking about my last conversation with Vic.”
“That doesn’t sound good.”
“He wants me to stay. He’s given me this pep talk so many times, but he doesn’t stop. He always has hope that I might change my mind, and when I don’t, he’s disappointed all over again.”
“He just loves you, Neil. Of course, he’ll do whatever it takes to get you to stay.”
“I know… I just wish he understood.”
“Maybe you should take him to the NASA center and show him everything you’ve been working on. I know he’s proud of you. I think he would be prouder if he could be reminded of everything you’re doing.”
“Maybe. What do you think?”
“What do I think about what?” she asked, her voice growing soft.
“Do you ever think I should stay?”
She stirred her noodles again, like she was stalling until she found the right words to say. She would never tell me she loved me, but would she say the same thing Vic had said to me. When she gathered her thoughts, she lifted her chin and met my look. “I’m kinda biased, Neil.”
“Which is why I’m interested in your answer.”
She set down her fork altogether, the air growing still as the silence stretched forever. “I think you’ve worked so hard to get where you are that it would be a waste to walk away now. You’re still so young, with so much to contribute. There are so few people with the training and intelligence to do this sort of thing. We need people like you. And even if you never have a family of your own, your work will be your legacy. Your name will always be remembered. It’s your passion, what you love, so you should keep going. If you let someone convince you to stay…you’ll regret it the rest of your life.”
