“You don’t care about shit Tisha but yourself, your baby, your husband, and y’all happiness. That’s it. Since that day, that fucking dark day I slayed the dragon you decided you would erase it all. Me included. You gave up on us that night Tisha and now I’m giving up on you. Maybe I don’t need kids and I could do better but bitch you ain’t gonna tell me what to do and you can’t have them. Fuck you Tisha. What makes you a better parent cause you don’t smoke, curse, or beat they ass when they do some stupid shit? Bitch, you ain’t shit. Yo baby died cause you a miserable bitch too just like me. You internalized all of your pain and in return you poisoned yo own son.”
“Jerrod, Jr. died because you just as rotten as me bitch! So don’t you sit yo raggedy ass over there on yo high horse and look down yo nose on me. If you really loved me hoe you would have been here. You would help me while I’m sitting here with four kids, no food, and lights in my apartment. You heard everything else, why the muthafuckas didn’t tell you that? They didn’t tell you the rest of my money I invested on my own is gone because I let our cousin stay with me and him and his bitch robbed me blind and skipped town. Muthafuckas didn’t tell you that did they? No, but they can tell you everything Terricka doing wrong, and yet and still with all that information yo maggot ass still didn’t come back. Bitch you haven’t even been back to visit so just shut the fuck up SHARTISHA.” My sister yelled as I sat in my desk and cried while I held a picture of me, her, and Sha at the Robinson’s house on one of our happy days.
I couldn’t help but wonder would we ever have that happy, loving feeling we had in the picture with our arms wrapped around one another as we looked like we never wanted to let go. I quickly found out that day probably would never come when my sister said the words I hoped would never come out of her mouth again. That was the words that would bring us full circle right back to where all the pain began.
“Maybe you’re right Ms. Author, Publisher, and self-appointed psychologist Tisha. Maybe I am just like my mama and I don’t give a fuck. That’s the difference between me and you. You so worried about how other people see you when in reality, no matter how much money you make you will always be this little broken, girl from the projects. You’re so quick to believe everything bad about me so now I’m gonna give you muthafuckas exactly what you was looking for. Now I see what Denise was always saying about the robots telling her shit because I got a little birdie in my ear too. That birdie told me to tell you go fuck yourself. You don’t ever have to worry about me or these ugly ass kids again Tisha. You know what, better yet I’m gonna say this and be done. What we once were will never be again because you are no sister of mine. You are my SISTER NO MORE...and I mean it this time bitch!” Terricka said calmly before she attempted to hang up the phone and I stopped her.
“You know what Terricka? You’re right. Maybe you are!” I said to my sister as she yelled out, “Fuck You, and hung up the phone.
Once the call had ended I sat there for a while and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, then I got up and went into my adjoining bathroom and cleaned myself up. After I washed my face, reapplied my makeup, and dried up the tears on my blouse, I stopped to look at myself in the mirror as I saw a flash of the horrible life my sister would have. I stood there and looked at myself as I imagined her face and finally accepted the truth that was right in front of my face. “Maybe she is just like our mama and she can’t be saved.” I whispered to myself as I walked back out the bathroom to my happy world, not believing what I had said or giving up hope of someday saving my sister.
That was the last conversation I had with my sister before fate, and my little brother pushed us all back into each other’s lives.
PART 1
REFLECTIONS: FROM MY POINT OF VIEW!
Chapter 1
Tisha: Pain Always Finds Its Way Home
“Tishaaaaaaaaaaa, bring you stanky ass down here and entertain my guests.” My mother yelled as I quickly climbed from under the bed where I usually hid to read and avoid her abuse. My mama’s voice was so loud in my mind at that time that the dream I was trapped in as I sat asleep on my hammock swing in my backyard, felt real. Years later everything was still so vivid and felt so real I could actually smell the stale, musty, crack smoke filled air of the hallway in my childhood home as I made my way downstairs in my dream.
“Tisha I know you hear me calling you.” Denise yelled as I slowly entered the living room with my copy of My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult that Terricka had just gotten me for my twelfth birthday tucked tightly under my arm.
My legs shook as I walked into the dirty, musty living room and stared into the drunk, and stoned face of my mother. I slowly crept closer to her as I glanced at the people in the room from the corner of my eye. I noticed at least three women and four men I had never seen with either a beer bottle, blunt, or a crack pipe in their hands as they eyed me like fresh meat. The only face I did recognize in the room other than my mother’s was that of her friend Lisa as she suddenly got up and walked to the door. I wanted to run after her and beg her to take me with her after seeing the sneaky, evil look on my mother’s face. I wanted to run, but I didn’t because I knew that it would do me no good. Instead I just stood there while I still held my book under my arm and stared down at my feet. I could feel the eyes of all of the junkies in the room on me as I stood there and my mother walked over to the door behind Lisa. “Where you going bitch. We just finna have some fun. You know kids liven up a party.” My mother said laughing as I heard Lisa do a sarcastic laugh of her own.
Even though Lisa had never done anything up to that point to help me or my siblings escape the hell our mother unleashed on us, she wouldn’t indulge in it either, which is why I had always felt that she was the only person in the world we had. I quickly raised my head when I heard Lisa laugh to see her as she stood in front of my mother and stared her down. “Maine Denise you a muthafucka witcho self for real. You call that baby out of bed just to dance for y’all high asses. Or at least I hope that’s all. Denise that better be all for real.” Lisa whispered as she stepped closer to my mama almost nose to nose.
For the first time I felt like someone was fighting for me and could possibly kill the monster that haunted my dreams as my mother stood silently and listened to all Lisa had to say before she spoke. “Ahh girl, come on now. You know we just finna have fun. Hell, if you had a child we would tell you to go get em to dance. So bitch that mean get yo ole barren ass on somewhere and worry about the kids you might never have. BYYYEEE Boo!” My mama said changing emotions so much when she talked it was like watching Dr. Jerkel and Mr. Hyde wrestle.
I watched as Lisa stood there for a minute and contemplated what she would do next. She looked back at me with a look of genuine concern until my mother met our gaze and stepped forward to whisper into her ear. Whatever my mother said to Lisa was enough to erase whatever sympathy and concern she felt for me because she quickly ran out of the door and down the steps without even looking back. I stood there for a while and stared at the spot she was standing in when our eyes met, even after my mother had closed the door. I just wished I could have kept her there for a little longer even if she wasn’t gonna help me. I knew that just having her there would make my mother think twice before she went too far. However, it was clear my mother had something on her that mattered much more than me or my safety. It seemed my mother always had the upper hand and could get what she wanted no matter what it was. After seeing Lisa flee like she had done, I knew that was true and accepted the fact that there was no hope as my mother set her plan in motion.
“Can y’all believe that bougie, punk bitch. That hoe gonna try to call me out cause we wonna have fun. Fuck ha cause Tisha wonna dance. You know kids wonna dance, don’t they y’all?” My mama said swaying from side-to-side as she encouraged her junky audience to chime in.
All of them agreed with my mother as they stared at me and smiled the same wicked smile she had. I felt the hair all over my arms and legs stand up as one of the men
got up to go to the bathroom and let his body brush up against mine when he passed. I jumped so hard I almost knocked the only picture we had that wasn’t broken off the wall and that set my mama off.
“What the fuck you jumping foe, like a muthafucka want you. Lil scary ass girl. Always got her face in a book or singing and shit. Her and her sister live in a damn fantasy world with they’re lil mute brother. That other one just love the streets a lil moe. This one, she different. This one THINK she’s gonna be something. Don’t you Tisha?” My mama said as she walked up on me and whispered into my ear and I kept my head down.
My heart raced in my chest as I tried to decide whether or not I was supposed to answer that question. My mama was so unpredictable I never knew if a question she asked was rhetorical or not. Unlike Terricka I still didn’t know how to divert my mama’s evil intentions, which is why I wished my sister was there as I stood there trembling and my mother used her index finger to trace down the outside of my right arm.
“Yeah, you think you’re gonna get out this ghetto and live a happy life don’t ya? You think you better than everyone around here because you read for fun. This the muthafucking problem.” My mother yelled as she ripped my book from under my arm and held it up in the air for her friends to see.
I stared at my mother with enough hate and malice to melt a glacier as she walked over to her friends with my book in hand to mock me. I started to run after her, jump on her back, and beat the fuck out of her until she dropped my book. However, a small slither of logic in the back of my mind calmed that rage that was burning, but I never knew I had inside. Instead of clicking the fuck out and getting my ass beat like I was sure to do, I just stood there biting my bottom lip as tears burned in my eyes and my mother finished her performance.
“See this is the fucking problem. They go off to school and these muthafuckas put all these hopes and dreams in their minds, gassing them up and shit by telling them they can live like people in these books. Then they bring they uppity asses home and look down their noses on the muthafuckas who feed and clothe them cause they think they better cause they learned something. Or cause we smoke dope and shit. This shit don’t mean a muthafucking thang!” My mama yelled as she turned from her friends to face me while she ripped pages out of my book.
“This don’t mean a muthafucking thang Tisha. Cause what them muthafuckas in that school and the people in those books don’t know is we poor as a muthafucka. Our lives can never be the same as theirs cause we in the bottom and this is probably where we will stay. Ain’t no moving off to live in the sunshine with the wind blowing in yo hair. Bitch yo life gonna always be in Memphis and that shit gonna be hard as fuck unless you listen to me. I’m trying to give you game. In Memphis you either sell dope, pussy, guns, cars, or dreams. Dancing can be yo way out but it starts with learning how to do basic dances and have fun with it. I ain’t never seen yo lil uptight ass out there dancing with Terricka and her friends when they used to. Yo ass was always just sitting there looking stupid. That shit stops today tho. Today you gonna learn so show us what the fuck you got.” My mama said as tears streamed down my face and her words rang in my ears.
In less than sixty seconds she had predicted and damned my whole life and as horrible as it all sounded a part of me thought that she was right. A part of me, that broken, beaten, and starved part of me knew that the world was cold and no one really loved and would help you. With that in mind I couldn’t help but think that my mother was right and that my life was already destined to fail. I hated to admit it to myself but I often felt hopeless and that being good was overrated. I still didn’t want to do the things my mother wanted me to do and sell my soul like her but I had no other choice.
I wiped away the tears rolling down my face with the back of my hand as ‘Whoomp, There It Is’ by Tag Team came on and banged loudly through the speakers by the door. I swallowed down the food that was threatening to come back up as I began to dance around the room with my eyes closed. I tried my best to imitate what I had saw Terricka and her friends do countless times before; however, the look on my mama’s face quickly told me that I was doing a shitty job. When the man who went to the bathroom suddenly reappeared looking higher than he was before, my mother had had enough of me embarrassing her and quickly jumped up to stop me.
“Okay I see now why yo ass don’t be out there with Terricka nem, but you’ll stay upstairs under the bed all day with yo mute brother. You a fucking girl with all the right tools and no fucking sensuality about yourself at all. What the fuck wrong with you Tisha?” My mama asked as she walked up to me and we stood face-to-face as tears rolled down my cheeks.
“I know what’s wrong Denise. She just lacks confidence. Hell, my son can give her that. You know how lil Main is.” The big, fat, sloppy lady in blue who my mother was sitting next to and sharing her pipe with said as she grinned and slid forward on the couch.
I watched for a few seconds as her big ass struggled to get up off of the couch and no one even tried to help her. All of the other fiends sitting right on the couch next to her were so wrapped up in their drug of choice they didn’t even notice that she was having a difficult time. Her light-skinned, 400 pound, umpa lumpa looking ass had to fall down on to her knees before she could pull herself up into a standing position. I almost laughed seeing her big ass stagger to her feet and waddle towards us, but I quickly lost that feeling of amusement when her and my mother agreed that adding Lil Main to the mix was exactly what I needed. “Hell yeah Pat, go get Lil Main’s lil sexy light skinned ass I bet he get her stiff ass to act right.” My mama said as I watched her rub Pat on the ass before she wobbled quickly out of the apartment.
I felt sick to my stomach as I stood there shaking and my mama followed Pat to the door. I tried not to look at the drugged out faces as my mama’s junky audience stared at me, however, I quickly memorized every face. Each of them had that same hopeless look in their eyes that my mama had which let me know that the plea I was making with my eyes to help me would go unanswered. I quickly made it up in my mind at that point that I would just be strong and endure whatever I had to just so that Sha could stay safe. I hoped that he was still locked in his room with his earphones on oblivious to what was about to happen. Hell, I wished I was locked away somewhere far away from Denise so that I wouldn’t have to be a part of her sick game. I wished and wished like I had done countless times before, and just like before my wishes went unanswered. All I could do was close my eyes and imagine myself running through that field of flowers without a care in the world. “Open yo fucking eyes and sit down.” My mama yelled into my ear as she broke my daydream and made my heart race again.
I quickly shook off my shock and made my way over to the dirty, oversized chair by the window and sat down as my mother sat on the arm of the chair next to me and lit a blunt.
“I know you hate me Tisha and you think I’m a horrible mother.” My mother began as I shook my head no and she rolled her eyes.
“Don’t sit here and lie wanch cause I’ve heard you and yo sister talking. It’s okay though because I hate myself too, but what you don’t realize is that I’m trying to help yo green ass not hurt you. These streets gonna eat yo lil weak ass up Tisha so you better pay attention to the shit I say. Now, this gonna be your way out or I’m going to have to think of something even better. I suggest you sit here and get yo fucking mind together before Lil Main gets here because if you embarrass me Tisha, I’m fucking ALL of y’all up. Believe that! Now hit this, it’ll get you right.” My mama said as she handed me the blunt in her hand and I refused to grab it.
I didn’t want to get high and become a zombie, unfit mother who intentionally hurts her kids for her own amusement. I didn’t want to put any drug in my body if it meant I would be like her. I didn’t care what she would do to me, but no matter what I wasn’t going to smoke with her. “No mama. I don’t wonna smoke.” I said as my voice trembled and the junkies on the couch laughed and mimicked what I said.
I glared out
of the corner of my eye at the man they called Snake as he licked out his tongue at me like a little vindictive kid and then started flicking it in a sexual way. I quickly looked away as he winked his eye and I turned right around to a smack from my mother. Denise hit me so hard my ears rung and my teeth chattered. In fact, the lick Denise gave me was so hard and powerful I could still feel it in my sleep as I shifted in my hammock and let my dream take me deeper into my memories.
“Oh so now you too good to unwind. That’s the shit I’m talking about. Y’all see what I’m saying, this lil bitch bougie.” My mama said to her friends as she laughed before she leaned over to whisper in my ear. “Didn’t I tell you not to embarrass me bitch? I should fuck you up right now, shouldn’t I? Shouldn’t I Tisha?” My mama growled in my ear as my tears began to fall again.
I gazed around the room and caught the attention of the skinny lady sitting on the far end of the couch as she looked at me with a little sympathy. I pleaded with her using my eyes as my mother stood up in front of me with her fists balled up and demanded an answer. “I should fuck you up shouldn’t I Tisha?” She yelled as I slowly looked up at her and shook my head yes.
I quickly closed my eyes as soon as I answered her question and braced myself for the blows she was sure to throw. However, after two minutes of waiting and I still hadn’t felt my mother’s hands on me I opened my eyes to see the woman up off the couch and standing beside my mother as she whispered something softly in her ear.
“Okay you right Woo Woo, you’re right. Tisha you better be glad she here cause I was about to fuck you up. I’m still gonna fuck you up if you tell me no again. So what the fuck ever I give you this time you had better take it.” My mama said as she walked over to the coffee table and Woo Woo came over to me.
Sins of Thy Mother 4 Page 2
