I ran straight into the tall light skinned nigga my dad called his nephew and who had called me out and knocked his fucking grill out with my first punch. I hit that bitch so hard he flew into a car and I was on him in a second as I kicked the bitch until his head caved in. I kicked that bitch until his bloody body slumped down the car then somebody hit me in the back of the head with a bat. That shit hit me so hard it made my teeth chatter and I felt like I would pass out for a second but my anger wouldn’t let me do that.
Instead I turned around and football tackled my daddy and rammed his bitch ass into the ground. He dropped the bat as soon as I dropped him then I began to beat his ass. I delivered a series of forearm strikes and punches into his face as the fights around us raged on. I beat him until blood was up to my wrists then the gunshots started. The first shot came from behind me and whizzed through my shirt as I bent down over my father. I looked in the direction the bullet came from to see one of my daddy’s goons as he pointed his 9MM right at me. I was frozen for a second as I saw my life flash before my eyes and decided I wasn’t ready to give up yet. “Toon, aid and assist bruh.” I yelled as the nigga cocked back and prepared to bust at my ass again and I sat there like a duck.
Before he could though my niggas were on him as he got hit multiple times with a 9MM and the AR15. After that Toon sprayed the crowd as I got my ass up and ran inside. I was in and out in a flash as I grabbed my bag and prepared to get the fuck out of town. Death had come so close again I could smell it, just like the first time and I had a feeling my luck would soon run out. When I got back outside all of the niggas that weren’t hit in the gun fire had scattered, but there were multiple bodies on the ground and my father was one of them. I ran over to see that he had taken a bullet to both legs before I ran away and his pleas for help rang in my ears.
I ran fast and hard with no particular destination in mind as traffic whizzed by me and I felt like I was about to lose my mind. I didn’t stop until I had made it to a Burger King, where I then sat on the sidewalk and dialed the only number I knew.
“I need you. Come get me. I’m at that Burger King by the apartments.” I said into the phone as I got up, walked inside and sat at a table by the window.
I was paranoid as fuck as I sat there and watched every car that pulled on to the lot. “Okay, I’m here waiting and I love you too.” I said to Lydia before I hung up and got up to walk to the counter and order. I ordered a whopper combo just so that I could sit inside the restaurant and wait on my ride then I sat back at my table by the window. I played with the fries on my tray and never even touched the burger before Lydia whipped on to the lot to rescue me. I kinda felt like a bitch who had to be saved as she left the car on and jumped out to come in and get me. I met her at the door as the concern in her eyes melted my heart once again and caused me to be soft, sensitive Sha.
“What happened baby? You bleeding all over! Oh my God what happened Sha?” She asked as I told her I was okay. Even though the cut in my head hurt like hell and I felt like my wrist was broken I didn’t tell her as I escorted her back to her car. “Baby I’m okay. Let’s just get the fuck out of here. Take me to the bus station. I gotta get out of here for a while.” I told her before she kissed me quickly and we jumped in the car.
I watched her from the corner of my eye as we sped off the lot and the pain in my head intensified. Suddenly emotions and memories hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt tears run down my face. I dried that shit up quick with the back of my hand and hoped that Lydia hadn’t seen me shed a tear. I knew she did though when she suddenly stopped three blocks from the bus station and turned to look at me.
“You don’t have to hide anything from me Sha, I told you I love you for you. I already know what happened and I hate Shaheim for all the bullshit he has done and is still doing. So what’s your next move now because it’s not safe for you nowhere near Sacramento. You said take you to the bus station and I think that’s a good idea. Why don’t we just run away together?” She said as she took a first aid kit out from under her seat and began to clean and dress my wounds.
I thought about what she said as she bandaged my head and for a second I was ready to go. However, my logic kicked in quick and told me that wouldn’t be wise until I got my shit together. I couldn’t have the woman I loved on the run with me while I was still trying to deal with my demons. I would be able to get my shit together faster if I knew she was safe so I had to get that fantasy out of her mind.
“We can’t do that Lydia, not now anyway. I don’t have shit. I’m on the run, and you got school and shit. Let me get my shit together and build something for us then I promise I will come back for you. I love you girl, but you deserve better than I can give right now and I won’t put you through that. Okay?” I said with tears in my eyes as she scooted closer to me and wrapped her arms around my neck.
“Baby I love you and I want to be with you Sha, but I understand. You have to do what you have to do. Just know that I will wait on you forever, no matter what. Let’s just stay like this for a while so I will have something to hold on to.” She whispered before she kissed me passionately and then laid her head on my chest.
We stayed like that for a long time as she cried and I kissed away her tears. By the time we pulled off and headed to the airport I felt anxious to get the sadness over and start a life with her. At the airport we kissed for ten minutes before I told her to leave or I wouldn’t be able to let her go. I felt like a piece of me was stolen as I watched her walk away and disappear into the crowd. Once she was gone I made my way to the counter and found my ticket was there just like Tisha said it would be. I quickly made arrangements to get on the four a.m. bus instead of the one that left at seven and settled into a chair to sleep.
Slumber found me fast and my dream was filled with nothing but chaos from the moment I closed my eyes. I quickly found myself wrapped up in a series of nightmares that switched from memories to predictions of the future. I saw both of my tormentors and all they did to me and the dismal future I would have if I didn’t change. I woke up in a cold sweat at about three thirty a.m. and found everyone in the room had their eyes on me. After I cursed a few of them out, I then went into the restaurant and got me a cup of coffee to wake me up.
I sat down at a table and pulled out the phone Lydia gave me with nothing but her on my mind. I started to call her but I changed my mind and went through the phone instead. I found that she had taken several pictures of herself along with videos and for a few minutes I got lost as I looked at her beautiful face. Her big gray eyes and copper colored skin with deep dimples made a mac really want to change his life. I saw a love I never knew, even different than the love from my sisters in Lydia’s eyes. That’s why it was so hard for me to go, but inside I was still eager to leave so we could move on to a better life together. When they called for my bus to board I quickly kissed the picture of her I still held and stared at, and put the phone away before I got up.
I got on the bus and settled into my seat before I pulled out my phone again. When I got it out I watched video after video of Lydia as I rode towards my sister and left the love of my life behind. I arrived in LA at 9 am and quickly found a bus to Tisha’s plush neighborhood. I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes as I walked up to the huge ass house all beat the fuck up with a tattered bag in hand. I felt nervous as fuck as I rung the bell and waited on my sister to answer. When Tisha opened the door I almost passed out from pure happiness when I saw her smile. Suddenly I was that ten-year-old boy again who just needed his big sister’s love. I ran into Tisha’s arms so fast she didn’t know what hit her as she stood there astonished while she looked into my eyes.
“Sha, what are you doing here so early? How did you get here? And what happened to you?” She asked as she hugged me then helped me inside before she grabbed my bag off my shoulder. I said nothing as she led me into her plush ass house and we took a seat on the living room couch. As soon as we sat down and my sister looked at me with that loving, penetrating
gaze broke the damn to my emotions and I let it all out. I told her the entire story from the time Alice came into the picture and didn’t stop until I was finished. When I was done I fell back on to the couch emotionally drained and felt like I was about to lose it.
“Don’t you worry about shit lil brother, I got you. You need to just go rest. We got some shit planned for today, but if you don’t feel like it we can just stay home. In the meantime, let me show you to your room so you can rest your weary head. I got you lil brother and I always will. Everything gonna be okay now.” Tisha told me as she kissed my forehead and wiped my tears away.
I trailed behind her to the huge bedroom with attached bathroom Tisha had set up for me. I couldn’t believe how big and nice the muthafucka was, I had to take a second to stop and take it all in. “You made it Tisha. You made it out. It’s hope for our cursed asses after all.” I said to my sister as I plopped down on the king sized bed with Gucci covers and sunk into its softness.
“Nah, we made it bruh, you know what’s mine will always be yours. Just wait you will see. I haven’t forgot, I am my brother’s keeper. Now rest lil nigga because today we have fun and leave all the sadness behind us.” She said before she came over to kiss me again and then disappeared out the door.
I sat there and stared around at the beautiful furniture before my thoughts consumed me and I found myself lost in my memories again. That time my mind took me back farther, to an incident that happened when I was about eight and my mother beat me with a wet extension cord until I passed out. I could still feel the sting on my flesh as I sat there and cried when the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen walked in. She looked just like Tisha only smaller with the brightest eyes ever made.
“Hi, my name is A’Miracle and my mommy said I’m your niece. You’re my uncle Sha huh?” She said as she came closer to wipe away my tears. “Yes, I’m your uncle. Nice to meet you. You haven’t seen me in a while because your mommy always comes without you. I miss you though.” I said as I reached out to hug her tight.
She hugged me back as I felt nothing but love overshadow all of my darkness. “Don’t cry uncle, I missed you too. Everything is fine, you’re here now and we all love you. Mommy said we’re going out to celebrate so are you ready?” She asked me as I shook my head yes. “Well, let’s go! We’re taking you to the doctor first Killa Sha.” Tisha yelled as she and Jerrod popped from around the corner and we all laughed.
I quickly broke my melancholy mood and got up to shake up Jerrod before I followed them down the hall. A’Miracle grabbed my hand so that I could walk with her and I gladly accepted the invitation. As we left the house to get in the car I looked up at the sky and it suddenly looked bluer than ever before. The happiness I felt inside at that moment seemed to help brighten the sky and I hoped my happiness would never end. It didn’t think about it for the rest of that day either as me, Tisha, Jerrod, and A’Miracle got my sprained wrist and mild concussion treated first then went shopping, out to eat, and to the amusement park on the beach.
I laughed and played with my niece all night when I wasn’t admiring the happy family my sister had. I loved the relationship she had with Jerrod and the happy family they were altogether. I wished for that same kind of happiness as we drove back home that evening and hoped I wouldn’t have to lose anything else to get it. I wasn’t so sure though because the thought of Terricka filled my mind as soon as I went downstairs to watch tv with Tisha after my shower. I knew that my sister was about to drown in the same despair our mother had and I felt I had to do all I could to save her. I couldn’t take the loss of someone I loved so dear so I had to let Tisha know what I knew.
“Yo Tisha, I really think you need to go see Terricka. Maine its some real fucked up shit going on with her. I got word from my nigga in Memphis that CPS ready to take her kids after the youngest little girl went to daycare with a burn on her back. Maine Tisha, Terricka going crazy and we really gotta go help her. Please Tisha.” I begged as I saw tears well up in her eyes.
Once I said that she was up on her feet before she even tried to respond. I watched as she rushed over to the phone. I watched her dial Terricka’s number as my heart beat in my throat and I braced myself for the battle that was about to unfold.
“Hello Terricka, what the hell is going on?” Tisha yelled into the phone as I heard Terricka explode in rage.
Chapter 3
Terricka: I am; whatever you say I Am!
“Hell-to-da-fucking-lo!” I yelled into the phone after I ran all the way downstairs and waded through the piles of toys, clothes, and trash that was thrown all over my living room floor.
Tisha’s voice echoed loud in my ear as soon as I answered and she yelled out for me to tell her what the hell was going on. I had to swallowed down the rage that was about to explode inside of me as I closed my eyes and sat down on my couch. I sat there for a few seconds as one voice in my head told me to calm down while another told me to curse Tisha the fuck out. The heavy footsteps of my kids as the ran over my head and Tisha’s heavy breathing on the phone did nothing to help my internal battle between the voices that controlled me either as they both raged on. No, all that shit did was ignite my anger and cause me to give Tisha exactly what she expected.
“TERRICKA! Don’t you hear me talking to you? What the fuck is going on in Memphis? Is Tania okay? I heard she got burned and CPS finna take your kids. What’s going on sister? Talk to me damn!” Tisha yelled as I laughed in an eerie tone that made my flesh crawl because it was just like Denise’s.
“Here we go again with yo bougie, messy ass. What the fuck do you want now Tisha? Bitch you ain’t called me this much over the past four years. What the fuck is it you want from me SHARTISHA? WHAT? Bitch I don’t want yo help. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t fucking want to think about you Tisha. Every time I think about you, I think about what I did for you and what you gave me in return. You left me bitch that’s what you gave. Yeah, I wanted the deed done more than you, but you are the one who had more to lose. I didn’t give a fuck about anything then, much like now; nothing but you and Sha. I gave up my entire life for you both and what do I have Tisha? FUCK YOU TISHA! How dare you call now all concerned and shit when shit been fucked up. You listen to everything a muthafucka tell you cause it’s so easy to believe Terricka bad. Well, guess what bitch? You’re right! I am whatever you say I am Oprah. Bitch handle your house and yourself. Don’t worry about what happened, her bad ass okay and ain’t nobody taking my kids. I will kill us all before I let a muthafucka take them, including you sister! So WHAT TISHAAAAAAA?” I yelled in Tisha’s ear to the top of my voice as my body tingled and my mind felt fuzzy.
I must have sounded like a real fucking lunatic, which was often, because I suddenly heard my kid’s footsteps stop overhead. I felt erratic and out of control as the voices in my mind suddenly burst through the fuzz and I could hear Tisha as she cursed at me and talked to someone in her background. I felt on the brink of insanity as I quickly stood up and paced the floor with the phone pressed to my ear as I bit the side of my index finger like I often did whenever I was angry, anxious, or sad. I growled into the phone as Tisha called my name and tried to bring me down from that blinding rage she had seen come over me before.
“Terricka. TERRICKA!! T, okay. It’s okay T. Calm down. I’m sorry for leaving you Terricka. Please forgive me and let me help you. Let me help those kids because they don’t deserve this Terricka. They don’t deserve to relive our pain. They shouldn’t have to pay for your sins like we paid for Denise’s.” Tisha said as I suddenly burst into tears and exploded again. “SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU TRIFLING BITCH. SHUTTT UPPPP!!!” I yelled through my tears as the reality of what she said cut so deep I couldn’t take it.
I stood there frozen as Tisha’s words bounced off the graffiti covered, battered walls of my mind, and I tried to find that side of me that cared. I knew deep down my sister was right and I was a fucked up, little bipolar, thot just like my mama who needed to change.
I knew I still hadn’t dealt with so much pain that it had poisoned me from the inside out. I also knew that I had used that same poison to infect my kids and unleash my pain, heartache, and sins upon them. I knew all of that shit but something inside me just wouldn’t let me give a fuck and my pride wouldn’t let me allow Tisha to help, so I lashed out and used the only response I had.
“Didn’t you hear me bitch? Why the fuck you still on the phone? Bye Tisha. Byeee!!” I yelled as my heart raced and I felt fed the fuck up with Tisha and all her bullshit. I could hear her sigh and sniffle as she said, “I give up”, and I prepared to hang up the phone. Before I could though a familiar, warm voice filled my ears and my little brother quickly found that rational, sane part of me I had tried so desperately to find. “Terricka, it’s me Sha. Wassup big sis?” Sha asked as I suddenly felt calm enough to stop the abuse on my finger and sit the fuck down.
I sat down on the dirty, torn green and blue loveseat by my living room door that was covered in clothes, toys, and trash and listened closely to the only person I really had. Sha had never left me. After it all he was always there. His dad sent letters to me he helped him write up until the day he was able to talk on his own. After that he had called me at least three times a week and talked for hours, unlike Tisha bougie ass. Sha didn’t forget about me or all the love we shared when he moved on to a better life. He never left me by choice either, that’s why I would always try to fight the madness in my mind to be close to him.
Only Sha could overpower the voices and bring back that Terricka I was before everything. Him and the drugs. When I was high it numbed the pain and the voices were a bit calmer and more rational, but when I was sober the dark side of me could not be stopped. Sha’s love was different from that momentary high though. His love for me was pure and unconditional, which bred from pain, despair, and the need to hold on to the only people who loved instead of hurt. That love had created a bond that could not be broken because I loved my brother more than anything. It was a love I couldn’t even find for my own kids; one I didn’t even have for myself. Just the sound of his voice made me want to be me again. He brought back the Terricka I missed, which was the Terricka I feared I would never be again.
Sins of Thy Mother 4 Page 6
