by Haemin Sunim
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It’s okay not to be ranked
first, second, or even third.
Compare yourself not with others,
but with the old you.
Like yourself for making an honest effort.
And continue to have faith in yourself.
* * *
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If you keep letting criticism upset you,
then you will gradually wither,
and in the end you will not be able to do anything.
And that is exactly what your critics are hoping for.
Do not let those who criticize you determine your destiny.
Every time you hear from your critics, shout more loudly:
“No matter what you say, I won’t give up.
Let’s see who is right in the end.”
* * *
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“Why should your life be destroyed
by the easy criticism of those
who do not know you or care about you?”
—SEOK-CHEON HONG, KOREA’S FIRST OPENLY GAY CELEBRITY
* * *
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If you begin to believe what others say about you,
they will begin to control you.
Not everything that appears in your mind is true.
Do not let someone else’s opinion rule your life.
* * *
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“If you hear a voice within you say,
‘You cannot paint,’
then by all means paint,
and that voice will be silenced.”
—VINCENT VAN GOGH
* * *
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We are worthy of being loved
not because of what we do well
but because we are precious living beings.
Even if you don’t achieve
the perfection the world demands,
your existence already has value
and is worthy of love.
* * *
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In India, “Namaste” is a common greeting, like “Hello.”
But there is a beautiful meaning to “Namaste.”
It means, “The divine being within me
bows to the divine being within you.”
We are much greater and more sacred than we think.
Don’t think you are lovable only
when you succeed at what the world demands.
You are already worthy of love.
YOUR EXISTENCE IS ALREADY ENOUGH
TO MY DELIGHT, SEVERAL GROUPS of Buddhists from New Zealand and Australia invited me to come and give a dharma talk. So for the first time in my life, I got to cross the equator and flew to Auckland and Sydney. Even though it was a long way from Seoul, I was looking forward to this trip because it would also give me a chance to visit my closest graduate school friend, who’d studied with me in the United States. He’d moved back to Australia after receiving his Ph.D. and had become a professor. It had been over a decade since I’d promised to visit him. Each time I saw his Christmas card, which arrived without fail as each year drew to a close, I would recall the promise that I’d so far failed to keep. Now that the opportunity had come about, I was really looking forward to seeing him again.
On the other side of the equator, the weather was the opposite of what it had been in Korea. The temperature on the day of my talk was over ninety degrees Fahrenheit. And I learned that in the Southern Hemisphere, if you want a house that gets a lot of sun you have to choose one that faces north. Also, rivers tend to flow north rather than south, and in the night sky the Southern Cross takes the Big Dipper’s place. Though they were literally the polar opposite of the place where I had been living, New Zealand and Australia didn’t seem as foreign as I might’ve expected, especially their people. Well aware of the lonely and busy lives in modern cities, I was honored to be able to offer them some words of comfort and wisdom.
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WHEN THE VARIOUS TALKS WERE OVER, I headed to my friend’s house. I rang the bell, and he opened the door and greeted me with a big smile on his face. We reached to clasp each other’s hand and embraced, like family members long separated by the Korean War. Though ten years had gone by, he looked very much the same, aside from his hair having thinned slightly and his body having filled out a bit. He was as outgoing and warmhearted as ever, and as I also knew his wife, Jane, from our grad school days, I felt at ease in their company.
After dinner, we drank tea on the terrace as the sun went down, and laughed out loud at how we were already middle-aged. Our hearts were still those of students; we could not believe we had become men over forty. As old friends, we were unguarded and revealed our inner feelings freely. Old friends have no need to display artificial selves; you can accept them as they are and share your true self with them. He was such a friend for me. He told me everything that had happened over the past decade, talking until he reached his recent worries.
I remembered that he had always been anxious, even with nothing in particular to be anxious about. He told me that his anxiety had gotten worse recently, and to stave it off, he had been working hard. Jane was concerned that his health would suffer if he continued this way. He worked every night at his computer, even after midnight; he rarely got a good night’s sleep; and he was always busy. Of course, his hard work had earned him recognition in the academic world, and a swift promotion at his university, but not only could he not stop working, he also was overcome with anxiety when he had no work to do.
Night had fallen, and it was chilly outside. We went inside to avoid the mosquitoes and sat on the sofa. My friend put on some quiet music and poured himself a glass of wine. He told me that he’d had a tough childhood. In the eyes of the world, his father had achieved success, but he took out his work stress on his family. His father would transform into a different person and become violent when he had been drinking. He even beat my friend. So my friend felt like he was walking on thin ice at home. When his father was in that state, his mother would leave the house to avoid him, and in her absence my friend had to look after his younger siblings, pretending for their sake that it was all a game. That was when he became increasingly nervous, never knowing when his father might drink and explode.
Reflecting on how it had been for my friend when he was young, I made a guess as to where his anxiety and workaholism came from. Wanting to help him however I could, I spoke carefully. “Because each person’s situation is different, it’s difficult to draw any firm conclusions, but one of the known causes of becoming a workaholic is growing up feeling unworthy of your parents’ attention unless you do something great, as opposed to feeling loved and cared for unconditionally. This also tends to be the case with children of successful parents who are too busy with their lives and show little interest in their children’s lives. To win their parents’ attention, such children feel under constant pressure to do things to please their parents. Otherwise they feel unlovable, and their actions are devoid of meaning. In your case, it makes sense that you have developed this constant feeling of anxiety, given your father’s violence when drinking. It must have been very difficult for you with your mother not there to protect you. Never knowing when your father might explode, you probably thought that the only way to prevent it would be to do everything he wanted you to, and to do it correctly. Now, as an adult, your father is gone. However, it’s the world’s demands rather than your father’s that are making you feel anxious—that if you don’t do everything that’s asked of you, and do it correctly, your existence has no meaning or worth.”
My friend nodded, seeming to agree with what I’d said.
“But the truth is, you are already worthy of being loved. You don’t need to be convinced of your self-worth by taking on society’s demands and living up to its expectations. You already are a precious being and deserve to
be loved and cared for. Look inside and see if you can find the child within you, still shaking with anxiety because of his father. Send the energy of loving-kindness to that inner child, and look at him compassionately. How difficult it must have been, coping with your father’s rage alone, trying to protect your siblings, without even your mother to help you.”
At this point, both my friend and I were in tears. My friend closed his eyes for a while, then said calmly: “You’re right. There is still a little kid inside me, trembling with anxiety, unable to be loved. And he is pleading with me not to ignore him anymore. All this time, I made myself too busy worrying about the opinions of others while suppressing the inner wound from the past. I need to believe that I am worthy of love for who I am.”
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AS I WAS LEAVING HIS HOME a few days later, I left a brief note for my friend:
When we were in graduate school, you were like a big brother to me. You helped me overcome several crises. You don’t know how grateful I am even now, when I think of your kind heart. And so for goodness’ sake please remember: Even if you never achieve anything big and significant, to me, your existence alone is already enough.
The sacred spirit
dwelling inside me
salutes the sacred
spirit dwelling inside
you.
* * *
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Don’t let your difficult past
define who you are today.
If you do, you will live your whole life
as a victim of the past.
There is life force within you
waiting to shoot out of the ground of the past.
Please trust that force of renewal.
Bow respectfully to your past and proclaim,
“From now on, I have decided to be a little happier!”
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If someone is unable to think beyond himself,
it could be because he didn’t get enough love growing up.
Because he felt that the world was cold and uncaring,
he had to be self-centered to take care of himself.
If there is a selfish person in your life
who makes things difficult for you,
look deeply into his pain
and try to understand where he is coming from.
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If we examine what motivates us,
we see that even as adults
we want recognition from other people,
and that so much of what we do
comes from that desire to be recognized.
Shower your child with attention,
and make her feel secure in your love.
This way she won’t grow up starved for
other people’s acknowledgment.
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If one of your children is jealous of
her brother or sister,
take her on a trip, however brief,
just the two of you.
If a trip is impossible, spend a whole day
only with her.
Eat something delicious together,
play in a park, and listen to her.
If children do not receive enough attention,
psychological problems often emerge.
Parents can prevent this while their children are
still young and impressionable.
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Every now and then, permit yourself a little luxury.
Whether it’s buying beautiful flowers for the dinner table,
a slice of delicious cheesecake to have with a caffè americano,
a pair of soft winter gloves—
little luxuries can brighten your life.
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The nice cutlery set, tea, wine, clothes, pen, quilt
that you have been saving for a special occasion—
use them whenever you get the chance.
Special moments are not separate from our everyday lives.
When you make use of something special, it makes the moment special.
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Do you sometimes feel that
something small can bring you a lot of happiness?
I feel that way when I see
yellow and orange peppers.
I often hesitate to buy them, since they are
more expensive than green peppers.
But I love their colors, and when I do decide to treat myself,
they make me so happy.
And did you know that bell peppers have
three times as much vitamin C as oranges?
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If I like myself, it is easy for me to like people around me.
But if I am unhappy with myself,
it is easy to feel unhappy with those around me.
May you become your own biggest fan!
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When I extend a small kindness to others,
I find it easier to like myself.
If you feel that your self-esteem is low,
try doing something nice for a stranger.
As you begin to like yourself,
your self-esteem will improve.
* * *
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Even products labeled “limited edition”
are made on a production line with hundreds that are exactly the same.
But there is only one you in the world.
Please cherish the unique individual that is you.
* * *
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The head says,
“Do not hate that person too much,”
“Forgive others for your own sake,”
“Do not envy your friend’s success.”
But there are times when the heart does not listen.
At times like these, give prayer a try.
Prayer connects the path between head and heart.
Ask humbly for help with what seems to be impossible at the moment.
* * *
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People sometimes express their longing
through hate.
If you hate someone,
look closely within yourself.
What could the reason be?
Are you still attached to that person?
There is no opportunity as good as this
to be mindful of ourselves.
We send rockets all the way to the moon,
but when it comes to our own mind,
the closest thing to us,
we remain utterly unaware and ignorant.
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Though we should not ignore
what other people say,
the decision is ultimately ours to make.
When you make a decision,
listen to your heart more than the opinions of others.
A decision made because of the opinions of others
is one we often come to regret.
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There is a saying in Korea:
“Lengthy deliberation often leads to a terrible decision.”
If you think and worry too much before doing something,
“your boat goes to the mountain instead of the ocean.”
Now and then it is necessary to trust your intuition
and push ahead in the direction you feel is appropriate.
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When you have an important decision to make
and are not sure what to do,
stop for a while
/>
and listen to what your heart is saying.
Take a walk in a park
or a brief trip somewhere beautiful,
or meet a friend you can trust
and discuss what you have been thinking.
Your heart is far wiser than your head—
it already knows the answer.
* * *
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When your head thinks “yes” is the right answer,
and yet something doesn’t seem quite right,
take a little more time,
and do not give the final answer just yet.
There are times when intuition hits the mark
and rational thought doesn’t.
If you allow yourself a little time to discover
why you are hesitating,
the reason will soon become clear.
* * *
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Everybody needs time alone.
When you’ve spent the whole day at work
being harassed by others, and then return home
to find your family won’t leave you in peace,
you can easily become annoyed and angry.
At such times, do not blame yourself for getting annoyed.
Instead, take some time for yourself by stopping by
your favorite bookstore, coffee shop, or temple.
Go for a quiet walk alone and listen to your favorite songs.
Being alone makes the world pause for a moment
and helps to restore harmony.
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Just as a mother looks at her child with love,
look at your own suffering with compassion.
You will soon feel that you are not alone.
