by Maya Hughes
I wanted to tell him. I wanted to jump up and down and scream with excitement, but I reined it in. It was a big step. Huge.
I’d need to run through all the final financial aid information to be sure I could make it work. Without the insurance money from the fire, the living situation would’ve been tricky in Italy over the summer. Two full years where I’d only have the fellowship money to depend on might blow up in my face, if I didn’t run the numbers. But I wanted it. I really did.
LJ put the car into park. “You’re not going to tell me?”
“We don’t have to tell each other everything.” I teased.
“Fine, then I won’t tell you what I was thinking for my mom’s birthday present.” He reached for his door, but I grabbed onto him and jerked him back. We’d always shopped for a gift together, but this year he’d said he wanted to get her something on his own. It was another hole poked in our fifteen-year friendship. Hopefully it wasn’t another football jersey.
“What is it?”
He grinned, trying to pry my fingers off his arm. “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”
I shoved him away with a sound of disgust. “You’re really the freaking worst, you know that?”
“So you say.” He hopped out and jogged around the car to open my door.
Okay, maybe he wasn’t the worst. I’d miss little things like this after we graduated. Right then it hit me. The fellowship. Five games left in his season. The end of the Monday Dinner Downer.
The whole thing was coming to an end. It should have been 100% happiness, but attending and avoiding these dinners had been a stable point in my FU college life. It would be weird to see it go.
He walked ahead of me and stopped on the bottom step, looking back at me.
“Sorry, just thinking.” I racked my knuckles on the door.
“Thinking about what?
The door opened before he could ask any more questions, and for once I was happy at Ron showing up to give LJ a distraction, so he didn’t focus his prying on me. But those feelings evaporated the second we made it over the threshold. Ron stood in front of us, face flushed with a dopey, embarrassed look on his face.
Someone else had been invited to dinner. A woman in her late thirties sat in the seat I usually sat in beside Ron. I shook my head, making sure I wasn’t seeing double or hallucinating. There were two place settings on the side LJ usually sat on alone. I stalled, focusing on this woman with a brunette bob and nice mom eyes with crinkles on the edges smiling at me from the dining room.
LJ brushed against my side and stuck to me like my coat was made of crazy glue.
“Who is that?” The pit in my stomach I’d thought couldn’t get any deeper turned out to have a surprise trap door in it.
And that’s when the way he answered the door, so unlike any other time he’d answered, clicked into place. Flushed, slightly embarrassed, cagey. It was the kind of look someone might’ve had if they’d been caught making out.
“Marisa and LJ, I’d like you to meet Nora.”
He kept walking, but I stayed rooted in place.
Nora slid her chair back and stood, smoothly, effortlessly. She had on a tasteful fall outfit—a cream sweater, black pants, black shoes, and a simple silver necklace. A perfectly nice and normal outfit. She walked around the table gingerly, like she didn’t want to intrude.
Too late.
I glared at Ron. “Who is she?”
He waved us forward toward the table. “Come on. I’ll introduce you.”
LJ grabbed onto my sleeve and dragged me forward.
My feet hit the floor with Frankenstein steps. With each one a new trap door opened.
“We both haven’t been the best about sharing, so I thought I’d share something with you.” He smiled at Nora and stood behind his seat, holding onto the back of the chair like we were sitting down for a nice family dinner. Nothing out of the ordinary here.
“I’m so happy to finally meet you, Marisa. Ron has told me so much about you.” She patted Ron’s arm.
“Funny, he hasn’t said a word about you.” I cut my eyes to him.
LJ cleared his throat and extended his hand for a shake.
She took it, her smile wavered the tiniest bit.
My blood rushed from my head and I swayed, catching myself on the back of my chair.
Her smile was warm and so were her eyes. It wasn’t until it faltered that I noticed the hand reached out toward me.
Not in the mood for pleasantries, I pulled my hat off and shoved it into my coat pocket. Was I being a child? Probably, but Ron had just sprung a girlfriend on me out of nowhere. No consideration, no asking, no warning.
I’d always figured football was his life. It was all he had time for and all he’d ever make time for. But here was a living, breathing example of how untrue that was. It tapped into a new well of anger I hadn’t known existed.
He had a girlfriend, and he’d invited her to dinner.
A feeling built in the back of my throat, traveling up to my nose and burning in my nostrils. Pressure and moisture. I blinked, staring at the table. No grocery store lasagna tonight. Everything here looked homemade, down to the brownies sliced and stacked on a fall-themed plate.
LJ tugged my chair out. “Marisa, sit.” He ducked his head and whispered into my ear. “Are you okay?”
Instead of answering, I plopped down without taking off or even unbuttoning my coat.
Stilted conversation flowed around me. Silverware, glasses, serving utensils and plates clinked and scraped against one another as everyone filled their plates. LJ plopped roast beef, mashed potatoes and green beans onto mine after several attempts to get me to pick up my plate.
“And the kids were so happy to pick out their costumes.”
That sent a jolt straight through me. “Kids?”
Nora looked from Ron to me. “Yes, I have an eight-year-old girl and six-year-old twin boys. Ron was so great and took them out to find their Halloween costumes.”
My head whipped from her to him.
He smiled at her. Not the forced, unsure kind he gave me, but a full-on smile. So comfortable. They weren’t newly dating. It had been a while. He’d been playing dad to her kids for a while. He set down his silverware and wiped his mouth with a napkin. “It wasn’t a big deal. I was happy to do it.” His hand fell on top of hers.
I fisted my hands in my lap. “You took her kids shopping for Halloween?” The words wobbled and swayed. The burning moisture was back, slamming into the back of my nose and creeping toward the corners of my eyes. I cleared my throat.
“They’re good kids.”
“Right. Good kids.” I gasped like I’d been flung into a vacuum. Gulping down a breath, I turned back to Nora. “How long have you two been dating?”
She shot Ron a concerned look. “A little over a year now.”
They’d been dating for over a year. And he was pissed about me not telling him about the fire when he’d been dating Nora over here since last October. Had he taken her kids costume shopping last Halloween too? I’d been a ghost or a face-painted zombie for most Halloweens growing up. LJ’s parents would’ve taken me shopping, but I hadn’t wanted much, and God knew my mom couldn’t spare a few dollars for a costume—not when there was grain alcohol in the tristate area. “Wow, that’s amazing. So wonderful you’re bonding with them already.”
Her smile was blown-glass brittle. “It took a while before we were ready, but they’re getting along great. The kids adore Ron, and I was so happy I could come over to finally meet you.”
“What made you think this was a good idea?” I glared at my father and wiped my sleeve across my nose.
He sighed. “I wanted to show you that I am not this horrible person you think I am.”
This was worse. Because he obviously hadn’t been to her kids. But he’d dropped off the face of the Earth and ignored his own. My neck heated, the blood drumming in my veins, and I twisted my fingers in my lap, trying to keep it all together.
“All you’ve managed to show me is that you’ve been more of a father to these kids you barely know than you ever were to me.” My voice cracked.
LJ covered my hands with his.
If I looked at him, I’d shatter.
“You think you’re the only one who’s been through a lot.” He shot a placating look of mild embarrassment to Nora. His look of ‘I told you she was dramatic’ or some other bullshit.
I shot up from my chair, anger waging war in my chest. “You know nothing about me or my life!”
“And whose fault is that, Marisa? We’ve been doing this for almost two years and you refuse to say anything more than a few words to me. I thought if Nora was here—”
“Because I don’t want to be here. You had your chance to be my father, and you walked away without a second thought.” Now the tears burned their way from my ducts. I’d sworn I wouldn’t cry over him again. I’d thought I was numbed to whatever crap he could pull. Turns out I was wrong, and I hated not being able to control all these old feelings that made me feel like an abandoned little girl all over again.
He banged his fist on the table. “Is that what you think? You think I didn’t give you a second thought after I left?”
“It sure as hell didn’t feel like it when my mother rattled off the lists of all the reasons you’d split. When I waited up at night sitting on the front step on my birthdays hoping maybe, just maybe you’d come. When I’d tell Santa all I wanted was for Ron to come and rescue me. When my mom was so fucking drunk I had to drive us back from a restaurant at twelve years old.” My hands shook. Old feelings of betrayal and anger roared through my head, making it hard to think. I was getting lightheaded. My chest tightened, and I sniffed, trying not to break down.
“I wanted to be there for you.” He shot up from his seat.
“But you weren’t.” I brushed away the burning tears, the ones that showed up at the worst possible moment. These were the tears that came when I was trying to stay strong, and sadness and anger collided like a thunderstorm overhead. “And I was stuck with an alcoholic mother who was sure to tell me every single day how much I’d screwed up her life.”
LJ rocked back in his chair, nearly tipping it over.
I looked to him, hating the shock and worry in his eyes.
“Marisa, why didn’t—”
“I’m sick and tired of this. I didn’t tell you, LJ, because you didn’t even have the concept of what it was like to have a shitty parent. Your mom was late picking you up that first day we met because her car got a flat. She showed up apologizing a hundred times and took us both to get ice cream when you said I was waiting too.”
I wiped at the tears blurring my vision. I ought to hold back. He didn’t need to know this. It wasn’t his fault, but right now lashing out was all I had. It was all I could do to keep myself standing.
“Do you know what the hell my mom was doing when I got home?”
Dead silence. The stupid clock in the living room ticked the seconds away.
“She wasn’t even there. She came home at midnight after getting back from the casinos.” A hysterical, watery laugh jumped from my throat.
My gaze swung back to Ron. “That’s who you left me with. I was an eight-year-old little girl, just like Nora’s, but you didn’t take me Halloween shopping. You were on the road at games or scouting trips and then you just stopped coming home. You just stopped. I’m glad to know you can be a great guy.” It was the knife I’d already thought had been twisted as far as it could go, but no. There was more. I wiped my nose with my sleeve, my face an absolute mess. “It’s awesome you’ve got that fatherly instinct in there. Just sucks you didn’t use it with your own kid.”
There were no more words to say. My chest burned like someone was shoveling piles of coal into a furnace or chucked an entire keg into a bonfire and shrapnel cut through my body.
I flung open the door and fled his house. My feet slammed into the paved walkway and I cut across the lawn to speed up my escape. Blinded by tears, I raced past the houses along the street, gasping for air.
This time LJ didn’t jump in front of me. He tackled me, wrapping both arms around me and holding me against his chest.
I shoved at his arms. “Stop it. Get off.” Slipping out of his hold, I took off running.
“Marisa!” He could catch me—he was way faster than me—but he didn’t.
He let me go.
With every step, a jolt shot through my body that wrenched ugly sobs from my throat.
With every step, the burn got hotter.
With every step, I hated the way LJ had looked at me when I’d blurted out the biggest secret I’d been keeping from him since we’d become friends.
Ron had a girlfriend with kids. An eight-year-old daughter. Twins. And he was so great with them.
I’d just spilled everything to LJ, the secret I’d kept from him since the beginning of our friendship. Stupid. So stupid to blurt things out like that.
My feet drummed against the ground until I skidded to a stop, grabbing onto the railing of the porch to The Brothel.
“Marisa!” LJ shouted. His car door slammed.
I flung myself up the stairs and jammed my key into the front door, closing it behind me and took off up the stairs to hide and pull a Keyton, never to be seen again.
But the latch didn’t catch.
His footsteps behind me were as loud as my thundering heartbeats.
We burst through my door at nearly the same time.
He caught my arm and spun me around to face him. “Stop running.” His gaze was fierce, bordering on pissed.
The burning pressure was back, pounding furiously in my nose.
His furrows softened and he held onto both my arms. “Stop running from me, Marisa. Please.”
“Why shouldn’t I run? Maybe I want to be the one running for once. First my dad, and then my mom every damn chance she got.”
His face was filled with sadness and shock. “Why didn’t you tell me?” The words bordered on desperate.
“Tell you what? That my mom, if she could even be called that, was an alcoholic? That I spent time at your house because I hated being home alone? Because I hated going to bed hungry? Because I hated her rolling in the middle of the night alone—or not?”
“All of it,” his whisper was so intense it sent shivers shooting down my spine.
The ugly, wracking sobs were back like they were wrenched from the depths of my heart. It was an emotional detonation that only he could bring about.
He hugged me, holding me so tightly I could barely breathe. Or maybe my lungs had stopped knowing how to function.
Quieting, with the tears turning cold against my skin, I held onto him, clung to him. Still feeling seconds from coming out of my skin.
The house was quiet and we went upstairs to my room. My fingers and tip of my nose tingled at the change in temperature.
Tears flooded my eyes as my body thawed from the chill. All the things I’d kept from LJ were held back by a dam close to bursting. The downpour raised the water and it lapped at the edges of the wall I’d built up to separate that part of myself from who I was with him.
Throwing off my coat, I plopped down on the floor, wanting to get this over with.
From the look on his face, he wouldn’t let it go.
He took off his coat and hung it on the back of my chair. “You could’ve told me.”
“And become a charity case to your family?” I scooted back and crossed my legs.
He faced me, sat and crossed his. “Why would you think that? We’d have done anything for you. Still will.”
“And become a mooch or someone you felt you had to keep around? No. That’s not my deal.”
“What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you keep talking about yourself like this?”
I shook my head, looking away. “You don’t know what it’s like to be…” I trailed off.
“No, don’t stop. I’ve been your friend since the third gra
de. How could you think I wouldn’t want to know?”
“There’s more than a few things you don’t want to know about me, LJ.” Trying to share them in the past had only gotten me hurt. He wanted to be my knight in shining armor, but I wasn’t his princess in the tower. I was his sidekick.
“Things like what?” He prodded and wouldn’t let it drop.
“Things like the scar on my wrist was from the first time I tried to make soup by myself and my mom came in and spilled the whole thing and I reached for the pot like an idiot. Or the week I spent with you the summer before ninth grade, my mom wasn’t visiting a friend in Chicago. I don’t know where the hell she was. I still don’t have any idea.” I was pissed for the scared, lonely kid bumping around the house and feeling everything she was at the same time.
He held onto me and rocked me until the tears dissolved and my skin was itchy from the salt staining my cheeks.
“Why didn’t you tell me it was that bad?”
“What could you have done?”
“Something? Anything?”
“Were you going to move me into your tree house? We were kids.”
“Yes, but my parents would’ve helped. They’d have had you come live with us or tracked down your dad.”
“You had a full house as it was. Adding me to the mix when everyone was dealing with so much already wasn’t okay.”
“Screw okay. My mom loves you like a daughter. I lo—I can’t believe you kept all that from me for so long.”
“What the hell does it matter? Why are you getting upset? You should be happy, I saved you from dealing with all my baggage. We played video games and ate crappy food in your room and the backyard, wandered the woods and hung out. We were kids.”
“And you were a kid dealing with things you shouldn’t have had to.”
I shrugged. “I could say the same about you. You were handling all the stress of your dad being sick. You were helping your mom and Quinn. We all have to deal with heavy shit sometimes.”
He scrubbed his hands down his face. “I wish you would’ve told me.”
“Let me hop in my time machine and get right on it. There are some things you don’t want to know.” I stared at the floor, trying stop the flood. I barely had my head above water—dumping another bucket on top wasn’t a smart idea.
