Rolling away from that room had felt like her heart was being ripped out and left behind. And now she had way too much time to sit here and feel that fear and the loneliness that was making it so much worse.
It was well over an hour since Noah had rushed out of the NICU to go to St John’s emergency department but there’d been a delay in getting Leo up to Theatre. It hadn’t been so hard waiting down in the unit because Leo was still safely enclosed in the plastic walls of his incubator and in the care of the amazing nursing staff who’d been watching over him almost from the moment he’d been born. So Abby had felt safe, too. More than that. She’d been able to sit there quietly with Leo, with her hand through the porthole and feel that exquisite pressure from the tiny fingers wrapped around hers.
The way he’d been holding his father’s fingertip a short time ago.
And, oh... Abby could have sworn she’d seen straight through the barriers that Noah had kept up for as long as she’d known him. Straight through to a place where the glow of being able to love was shining so brightly it had almost blinded her for an instant. She’d seen a place that made her own heart break more than a little because it had dark corners where things like fear and tears lurked but the brightness of happiness and love and just...hope...could win if it was allowed to—for most of the time, if you were lucky—because it shone so much more brightly than the opposite side of that coin.
A member of staff from the surgical suite had been sent to keep Abby company in the waiting room but Abby had told her she’d rather be alone. It wasn’t true, of course, but what she didn’t want was to be with someone who didn’t know her. Or Leo. Someone who had no understanding of just how agonising this waiting was, with every passing minute making it harder.
Why was it taking so long?
Had something gone wrong?
Why had she signed that consent form that had given them permission to do whatever might be needed if a complication arose—like opening up that tiny chest to do more major surgery?
Maybe that was what was happening right now. Abby could hear the footsteps of someone approaching this waiting area and they weren’t the soft squeaky ones of the nurse who’d been wearing trainers. These steps sounded heavier. More urgent? Abby’s heart was in her mouth as she turned to face the door and whatever bad news was on its way.
But the person filling the doorway was Noah and the expression on his face was...was as raw as she’d ever seen anybody look. Ever.
‘I can’t do it,’ he said as he came towards her. He hunkered down so that his face was on the same level of Abby’s and balanced himself by putting his hands on her wheels. ‘I have to go and scrub up in a few minutes and I’ll probably be in Theatre for hours but I had to come and tell you because, otherwise, I don’t think I could focus on what I need to do. So I came. To say that I can’t do it.’
If Abby’s heart had been breaking earlier, it was now in a million pieces that were raining down into a chasm so dark she didn’t want to know how deep it was. She could get a sense of how deep it was, though, by what she could see in Noah’s eyes. And she couldn’t hate him for protecting his own heart. If she’d had a choice, she’d be protecting both his and Leo’s from any of this.
‘I know,’ she said softly. ‘I do understand, Noah. This is hard enough on me and I can see how impossible it would be to put yourself through it all over again.’
But Noah was frowning now.
‘No...you don’t understand, Abby.’ Noah took hold of Abby’s hands, which had been resting in her lap. ‘What I can’t do is not go through this. I can’t not feel...everything. I can’t not love Leo. Or you, Abby. It’s been there all along but I couldn’t reach it.’ His eyes were shining with what looked very much like unshed tears. ‘But something changed today and... I can feel it all. The fear and the pain but most of all... I can feel what it’s like to love somebody this much and there’s no going back from that. I can’t be away from you—or Leo. I just can’t do it.’
Those shattered pieces of Abby’s heart were magically coming back together, as if someone had put a video on reverse and things were speeding backwards. It felt like there were more pieces than there’d been before, too, because her heart was feeling as if it wasn’t going to stop getting bigger. As if it was so full it was in danger of bursting.
‘I know how that feels,’ she said, her voice cracking. ‘I know exactly. Because it’s how I feel about you. How I’ve felt for such a long time—before we even knew that Leo was on the way.’
Noah’s arms were around her now. Holding her so tightly it was hard to breathe, but that didn’t seem to matter. This was the only place that Abby needed to be at the moment. In Noah’s arms, with her head tucked into that space beneath his collar bone, where she could hear, and feel, the steady beat of his heart. And feel his lips pressed against her hair and when he spoke she could hear the words but she could also feel them rumbling against her cheek.
‘We’ll get through this, Abby. Whatever happens—now or in the future—we’ll get through it together, okay?’
Abby could only nod. The promise in those words and her faith in that promise had made her throat too tight for her to breathe properly, let alone find any audible words.
She could hear someone saying something, though. A female voice. And now the weight of emotional overload made it seem as if it was too hard for her heart to keep beating as she looked up and saw the woman with a theatre gown still over her scrubs and a mask dangling by its strings around her neck. It was the cardiologist who’d been doing the procedure on Leo.
And she was smiling.
‘It all went perfectly,’ she told them. ‘Your little boy came through with flying colours and he’s absolutely fine. You can come and see him in Recovery.’
Abby turned at the exact moment Noah did and they held each other’s, gaze which was far more intimate than handholding could ever be. And they both had tears escaping to dampen their cheeks. They were in this together and they always would be. And there was love there. So much love that Abby felt sure that even if there were darker things to face in the future, the glow from that kind of love would never be extinguished.
They were together now, she and Noah. As committed as any couple could ever be.
More than that, it really felt like they were a family already.
And it was time to go and see their son, even if it would only be for a minute or two on Noah’s part because he had an important job to go and do. Other people needed him as much as Abby and Leo did. They needed him more right now, in fact, and that was okay because Abby and Leo and Noah had the rest of their lives ahead of them to be together as much as possible.
And even if they weren’t in the same room together, that love would still be there and Abby knew it was going to keep her as strong as she needed to be until they could take their baby home.
CHAPTER TEN
FACING CHALLENGES IN life with another person always held a risk that it could test a relationship too much and force you apart, but a tough patch could also do the opposite and build a foundation that felt like it would be strong enough to withstand anything and everything that life could throw at it in the future.
Getting stronger was exactly what the next ten weeks did for Abby and Noah as they lived their lives centred on the neonatal intensive care unit until baby Leo was big and strong enough to go home.
There were milestones along the way that neither of them would ever forget, even if they didn’t have some special photographs that had captured the memories—such as the day Leo had been able to come off the ventilator and breathe for himself after the corrective surgery on his heart meant that his condition had improved enough so he’d only needed some supplementary oxygen.
It was Noah who was holding him this time. Sitting with his shirt open so that he could have skin-to-skin bonding time with his son, leaning back in his armchair so that Leo w
as lying flat with his arms and legs out—doing what Abby called his little tree frog impression. Abby had positioned her wheelchair as closely as possible to where Noah was sitting because, that way, she could touch both of them, with a hand resting on Noah’s leg and the palm of her other hand taking the weight of Leo’s tiny foot with those precious little toes.
It wasn’t just that their baby was almost hidden by being cupped by Noah’s hand. Or that he had his eyes open and seemed to be not only taking in everything that was happening around him but content in knowing how much he was loved.
For Abby, this was filling her heart even more because, despite still being in the unit, this was one of those deeply private experiences that was bringing her closer and closer to Noah every time they happened. She knew how significant this one was because she could see the tears in Noah’s eyes.
Not like that night—in the early hours of the morning after Leo had had his heart surgery—when Noah had come home to Abby’s apartment after spending such a long time in Theatre with the man who’d very nearly amputated half his hand. That day had been the turning point of their whole relationship—the day they’d become a family and one that had been baptised by many tears when they’d finally had the chance to be together properly. When Noah had come home simply to hold Abby in his arms.
To tell her how being able to love her was making him feel so many things all over again and he’d realised that maybe he’d never processed his grief properly all those years ago. Abby had encouraged him to tell her all about Ellen and she’d learned how they’d been so young when they’d met and how much they’d loved each other. He’d told her that, because Ellen had loved him that much, he knew that she would be happy that he’d found Abby and that she’d want him to love her and be loved in return. For them to be together to bring up their baby. And Abby had wrapped her arms even more tightly around them and promised that that was exactly what was going to happen and that they were going to make the most of every moment.
On this milestone, when Noah was holding Leo for the first time, there were more tears but they didn’t need to share anything tragic. This was just something else that Noah needed to tell Abby about so that there were no secrets between them. No barriers to them being as close as it was possible for a couple to be.
‘I was so scared to give him a name,’ he said, so softly that nobody around them could hear. ‘Ellen and I had chosen a name for our baby as soon as we found out she was on her way. We didn’t tell anybody, though, and it was only at the very end, when I was holding her...like this...that I told them.’
Abby leaned sideways in her chair, so that she could rest her head against Noah’s arm. So that he could tilt his head to touch hers. And they were both touching their baby, which made the connection so powerful that Abby’s heart ached.
‘What was it?’ she whispered. ‘Your daughter’s name?’
‘Grace.’ Noah had to clear her throat. ‘I spoke her name aloud and...just minutes later I lost her.’
Abby had to catch a tear with her fingers before it fell onto Leo.
‘She’s still part of you. Like Ellen is. And that makes them part of our family, too. We’ll never forget them. Have you got photos?’
‘Somewhere. Packed away like so many things were before I met you.’
‘Let’s find one. As soon as we’ve finished the painting in the house we’ll start a family wall somewhere and we’ll put them up. And...’ Abby raised her voice a little as a nurse walked past the end of Leo’s incubator. ‘Jenny, have you got a moment to take a photo for us? Our first family photo?’
* * *
Leo learning to breastfeed was another milestone after a journey that began with no more than a lick and ended with him being able to latch on and suck for several minutes before tiring. The nasogastric tube that had been used to give him Abby’s breastmilk for his early weeks was added to the growing pile of other tubes and monitoring wires that were no longer essential. Noah was by her side for that first proper feed and they had both been so happy with the progress.
‘We’ll be like normal parents in no time.’ Noah had grinned. ‘You’ll be poking me when it’s my turn to get up for a night feed.
He was there for Leo’s first smile as well, and happy didn’t begin to cover how that made them both feel, even though there’d been no chance of capturing the moment in a photograph. It was enough to know that there would be many, many opportunities to do that in the months and years to come. They were both going to ensure that their tiny boy had plenty to smile about.
Moving out of Abby’s apartment and into the house was a huge step forward into their new life together and, while the renovations were not quite complete, both Noah and Abby had wanted to be settled into their for ever home before Leo came out of the hospital. The photo taken that day was a selfie when they were finally alone in the house and they’d curled up together, exhausted, on one of the couches that had come from Abby’s apartment.
‘I still think we should have upgraded these couches,’ she said. ‘They’re getting old.’
‘Are you kidding? This couch has history and I’m keeping it for ever.’ Noah pulled his phone from his pocket and held it above them to take a photograph.
‘Oh...’ Abby laughed. ‘How could I forget that first time... I can’t believe I actually confessed that I was a virgin when I hardly knew you.’
‘And I still can’t believe that you were. That somebody so incredibly beautiful and clever and kind and...well...pretty close to perfect really...hadn’t already had her heart won.’
He dropped his phone and pulled Abby into his arms and kissed her. Such a long, slow, tender kiss that when she finally came up for air, it felt as though her bones had melted.
‘I’m so lucky it was you,’ she whispered. ‘That you were my first. That I never need to go looking again because I know I’d never find anyone I could ever want to be with as much as you.’
The look in Noah’s eyes as he got to his feet and gathered Abby into his arms made her completely forget how tired the moving in had made her.
‘I think we need to check that they’ve put our bed in the right place, don’t you?’
‘Oh, yes...’ Abby wrapped her arms more tightly around his neck. ‘Absolutely.’
* * *
The glossiest photographs that were taken in the weeks before Leo finally came home weren’t taken by Noah or Abby. Or even Leo’s doting aunt and uncle on the many visits from Lisa and Hugh. They were photographs taken by a magazine and they weren’t even the subjects of the article, although Steve and Pauline had tried to convince the journalist writing the article that Noah and Abby were the real heroes in the story of the toe that had become a thumb.
‘It wouldn’t have happened without both of them,’ Steve told the journalist as they were grouped together for a photo. ‘Dr Baxter for the incredible surgery he and team did for me. And Abby, of course. She kept me on track for all those early months and kept me going until I was good enough to get back to the job I love.’
Steve could see that the journalist was eyeing Abby with interest—as if she’d sensed another angle to the story she was writing.
‘I know, right?’ Steve nodded. ‘Who wouldn’t be inspired by a physiotherapist who knows what she’s talking about because she’s obviously been through more than a few challenges herself? I said that right from the start.’
‘And you’re still having therapy on your hand?’
‘Nah... I’m pretty much discharged from care now. Unless I have a problem, of course. I’d be back like a shot to these two if that happened but I might have to wait until Abby’s back at work and that might be a while from what we’ve heard.’
Pauline was smiling at Abby. ‘We heard about your baby,’ she said. ‘That he arrived too early and that he needed an operation on his heart. That must have been so terrifying for you both.’
‘It was,’ Abby agreed. She couldn’t help looking up to catch Noah’s gaze. ‘But we’ve got through it and Leo’s doing really well. They’re starting to talk about letting him come home.’
Noah was smiling back at her and the journalist and photographer exchanged glances themselves.
‘So you’re together?’ she asked. ‘You’re married?’
‘We’re not married,’ Abby responded. They could have been, of course, but she knew she’d done the right thing in refusing Noah’s proposal when it had only been about being together as parents and not as two people who loved each other as well as their child. They’d been too busy since then, wrapped up in caring for their sick baby, work responsibilities and the renovations of their family home to even consider the idea of marriage again, and this question out of the blue made Abby think that if he asked her again, her answer might be very different.
Maybe she would ask him.
Or maybe they didn’t need anything formal to advertise their commitment to each other.
‘But we’re definitely together,’ Noah added. He caught Abby’s gaze again and it was her turn to smile.
‘Yeah,’ she murmured. ‘Definitely together.’
‘Did you meet at work?’ The journalist had her notebook out again. ‘It didn’t have anything to do with Steve being your patient, did it? That would make such a lovely extra angle to this story.’
‘Yes and no,’ Abby admitted. ‘It was Steve’s first operation when I realised that Noah was St John’s new specialist hand surgeon.’
‘I knew there was something going on.’ Pauline smiled. ‘You could feel it in the air when they were in the same room together.’
‘But we’d met before,’ Noah added. ‘And that hadn’t had anything to do with Steve. You could say it was more of an accident than anything.’
Saved by Their Miracle Baby Page 14
