Many years ago, I was thrown into a situation in which I had to kind of intuit what I call the Three-Step Handshake. I was working at an animal shelter, and a woman had just dropped off a young cat who had been hit by a car. She couldn’t afford his treatment, and, honestly, it didn’t seem like she wanted him anymore. When she handed his carrier off to me, I knew he was in pain and needed to be rushed to the vet clinic.
In case you can’t see where this story is going, I ended up adopting this cat and, as I chronicled in my memoir, Cat Daddy, he basically saved my life. But my first face-to-face with Benny required me to think on my feet about how I was going to let this injured and terrified cat know that I was there to help him.
I think of this as being an ambassador to a foreign country that has been isolated from negotiations and trade. The citizens are suspicious and wary, and have every reason to be. The same was true for Benny. He had no reason to trust me, so I had to give him one.
As he was sizing up his situation (“I’m in pain, strange human, I’m stuck in a box, trapped in a moving vehicle . . .”), I was thinking about what I could bring to the table—a peace offering that would be more than just a truce between two countries to not bomb the crap out of each other. It had to say, “I carry a friendly message.” I started with that Slow Blink, but I wanted to strengthen that message.
Knowing that scent is so important to cats getting to know each other, I also tried offering Benny the earpiece of my glasses—something that smelled strongly and distinctly of me, and that I could present at a less-threatening distance. When he responded positively and rubbed into the earpiece, complementing my scent with his, I next offered my finger to that space above the bridge of his nose: the feline “third eye.”
Bingo! He pushed his cheeks into my finger and just relaxed right into that touch. And that was the moment I knew that these three different techniques could be combined into the equivalent of a handshake that thaws a chilled relationship between two countries. This was my diplomatic gesture that made us allies.
So, to review, the Three-Step Handshake breaks down like this:
Step 1—The Slow Blink: Present yourself in a completely nonthreatening way to the cat.
Step 2—The Scent Offering: Offer the cat something that smells like you. I like to use the earpiece of my glasses or a pen.
Step 3—The One-Finger “Handshake”: Offer your hand to the cat in a relaxed way. Take one finger and let the cat sniff it like he did the glasses or pen, and bring that finger toward the spot between and just above the eyes. Allow him to push into your finger; he will press in so you can gently rub his nose and up to the forehead (a more in-depth exploration of this technique in a moment).
Let Your Cat Call the Shots
One study looked at over 6,000 interactions between humans and their cats in 158 households. The interactions were categorized by whether the human approached the cat or the cat approached the human. When humans initiated contact with their cat, interactions were shorter. When cats were allowed to initiate the contact with their human, interactions lasted longer and were more positive.
TEACHER’S PET: A FEW GUIDELINES
Petting is one of those things I feel conflicted about when offering up a full-on tutorial. The act of petting is, to a degree, a very individual experience—an expression of the relationship you have with an individual cat. Still, approaching that experience with “Toolbox Thinking” will allow you to figure out soon enough how, where, and for how long your cat likes to be petted. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve offered up universal “rules of engagement” like “Don’t pet the belly!” only to be told in return that the cat in question absolutely loves it.
Just like the Three-Step Handshake and the Slow Blink, there are some techniques I always fall back on when it comes to petting a cat I’ve just met. I never want to make assumptions about where (or if) a cat wants to be touched. Here are my go-to guidelines:
The best introductions are made by asking, not telling. When a cat walks up to you, greeting him with a full head-to-tail stroke is just rude, and expecting entirely too much. Instead, I rely on the Michelangelo (a.k.a. the Finger-Nose technique). I’ll use this technique if I’m seated on a chair and a cat comes to explore me, or if I encounter a cat while standing and he is in a vertical place (i.e., not on the ground). As the cat approaches, I will allow my hand to relax and, palm down, extend my pointer finger—not extended rigid, but relaxed, so that it almost seems to be coming off my hand like an upside-down “U.” This presents the tip of my finger in a way that’s similar to the way one cat might present his nose to another’s. Touching noses is a universally friendly gesture between cats, so I’m just trying to let that greeting happen.
Whether I get the green light from the Michelangelo technique, or just initiate petting with a cat that I already know, the beginning of that session always begins with Letting the Cat Pet You: As soon as that “nose-to-nose touch” is accomplished, I straighten out my finger to provide just a little pressure to the touch. If the cat is feeling affectionate at this point, he will push the bridge of his nose into my finger. From there, he will give you direction—up toward the forehead, side toward the cheek. Just go where he tells you and you can’t go wrong. It’s all about listening!
The universal places I usually assume I can pet are: the cheeks, chin, and forehead. I see these as Gateway Touches. Gaining trust and eliciting a pleasurable response from these areas allow me to know if petting below the shoulder will also be a good thing for both of us.
The next technique is one I call the Assisted Groom. This is one I use once I’ve moved past some of the other more introductory moves, and there’s a bit of trust inherent in my touch. Knowing that grooming is not only a built-in need but also a self-soother for a cat—something that, if she is feeling stressed or anxious, helps her calm down—I use my finger to simulate the action. Beyond just being pleasurable, it really helps cement the bond between us. I’ll start with almost an extension move from Finger-Nose: the finger goes from nose to side of mouth/cheek. I will inevitably get some of the cat’s saliva on my finger from that move from nose to tracing the mouth, so I will continue by taking that finger and tracing the bridge of the nose between the eyes and up to forehead to nape of neck. Many times when I present my finger initially doing the Michelangelo, the cat will lick my finger. Again, I will use that finger to spread her own scent around the areas that are already scent gland–heavy (cheek, forehead, etc.). Sure, it might sound a little . . . out of the ordinary? But try it and you’ll see why I do it.
Another “advanced Mojo” move is Hypno-Ear: I call this advanced because, like the Assisted Groom, there’s a measure of trust that needs to be gained before attempting it. I call this “hypno” because if done right, it absolutely gets the cat into a bit of a zombie-fied state. All it involves is a circular massage with the thumb on the inside and finger on the outside of the ear. The top two-thirds of the ear is definitely the most sensitive part. In terms of the exact spot and speed of the circles, as always, it comes down to the individual. I can say, though, that the pressure is not tickle-light, but rather a medium pressure.
We would be doing cats a disservice if we said that all cats like to be petted in certain areas, or hate certain types of petting, so get to know your cat’s preferences. Once you do, the main thing you’ll need to concern yourself with is whether or not your cat is prone to overstimulation.
Overstimulation is a form of aggression that occurs when your cat passes a threshold for interaction. Petting-induced overstimulation is the most common form, although sounds and pain, and just general energetic chaos, can also take your cat over the edge.
RECOGNIZING, PREVENTING, AND MANAGING OVERSTIMULATION
I know I’m about to date myself here, but do you remember the commercials with the Tootsie Pop owl? He conducts a highly scientific test to find out how many licks it takes to get to the
center of a Tootsie Pop? (One . . . two . . . three . . . CRUNCH!) Similarly, you’ll want to take a sort of petting inventory to see if your cat is an “overstimulator.” Of course, it would be a whole lot better if you could determine your cat’s threshold before the “CRUNCH”—which, in this case, would probably be a swipe or bite to your hand. Here are a few suggestions for navigating overstimulation:
Recognizing Symptoms
Since cats who get overstimulated tend to have their own unique recipe for what causes it, your astute observation will be key here. Here are a few “tell-tail” signs (sorry, couldn’t help myself). Much of the time, these types of behavior are somewhat out of character for your cat.
Dilated pupils
Piloerection (hairs on end)
Ears back
Quick head turns
Licking, rubbing, or other affection that becomes too exuberant
Tail swishing—usually means that the Energetic Balloon is ready to pop. As the tail goes from an intermittent twitch to a swish, things are increasing in intensity. Unchecked, this behavior will finally graduate to wagging like a happy dog . . . except they are not dogs, and they are definitely not happy! At this point—right before the pop—it’s like your cat is screaming at you.
Back Lightning is a type of twitching that happens through their back that is, at least partially, a spasm, but also a way of getting that energy out. You may notice your cat walking across the room, then suddenly stopping as if a fly just landed on him, and then very deliberately grooming himself. This self-soother is also a self-regulator. It’s also a reliable indicator to you that your cat’s energy tank is just about topped off.
Preventing the “Blowup”
Be aware of energy in—For some cats, petting is air into the Energetic Balloon in a way that is intolerable. Energy in without any means of release fills them with a sort of static . . . and then finally . . . bang! What might feel good for three to thirty seconds suddenly feels like it’s going to make their balloon pop. That hiss, that bite, their turning on you, running away, or self-grooming are all desperate attempts to let air out of the balloon. Think of these behaviors as engaging a sort of safety valve in the balloon. Be aware! For other cats, extreme enjoyment may actually trigger overstimulation—especially if you’re petting in an energetic way, with heavier than normal pressure or faster than normal tempo. You might notice the cat bringing her tail up to meet your hand in an equally excited way.
Take an inventory—Note what happens when you touch certain areas of your cat’s body. Try stroking the tail alone, then a full-body, head-to-tail stroke. Now a belly touch, handling paws, head, cheeks, and shoulders. Note the difference between petting once, twice, three times. How many full-body strokes can you give your cat before you tend to incite overstimulation? And most important, if your cat gets overstimulated, what was the obvious thing that caused it, the straw that broke the camel’s back?
It’s sometimes hard to think of ending your petting session because it’s obvious that the cat is enjoying herself, but you are tempting the Tootsie Pop CRUNCH! If you are mindful of these changes and notice these signs and stop, the aggression—which we tend to call an “attack”—simply won’t happen.
Managing Energy
Try to regulate your cat’s daily energy intake/output. By your practicing HCKE, he should be more relaxed when he is finally on your lap. If the Energetic Balloon has been active all day (meaning in a state of inflation-deflation that you or the environment controls), then the stimulation-o-meter will average about a four out of ten. It stands to reason that getting him to be at a six instead of a nine on that meter during a petting session will save you an unpleasant encounter. Not to take the cat’s side (well, actually, yeah, that’s what I’m doing), the popping of the balloon is on you. Energy buildup–related outbursts are nothing you can really justify being mad about because you can learn to anticipate and prevent them.
Cat Nerd Corner
Why Do Cats Overstimulate?
One theme that we’ve discussed at length is how nature has not missed a trick when it comes to the gifts of survival bestowed upon the Raw Cat. One such feature is the incredibly sensitive touch receptors all over the cat’s body. These receptors detect direct pressure, air movement, temperature, and pain, and they transmit information about the environment to the brain.
There are two key types of touch receptors: Rapidly Adapting (RA) and Slowly Adapting (SA). RA receptors respond to displacement of skin and hair in the moment it happens (and also register the immediate pleasure of touch), but SA receptors continue to fire as long as they are being stimulated, are particularly sensitive to petting, and are mostly responsible for that “I’ve had enough!” reaction. Some SA units are more common on the lower part of the body, where most cats are particularly sensitive to petting.
As predator and prey, the Raw Cat needs to be sensitive. But for his alter ego, the housecat, that survival tool can become a nuisance. We ask cats to handle a lot of touch because we enjoy petting them. Does this mean that your cat shouldn’t ever be petted? Of course not! Armed with this info about how and why cats respond to touch, you should realize that more times than not, that “Don’t touch me!” vibe is a product of physiology, not a choice—which is to say, see it as an “aha!” moment and not a “my cat hates me” moment!
WORDS MATTER
Thus far, we’ve talked a lot about body language, and the particulars of how you might greet or interact with your cat physically. Now, let’s turn our attention to what’s going on between the lines and beyond the physical realm. What are you saying about your cat, both in front of him and otherwise? What words do you use to describe him and his actions?
The words we use are labels that shape how we see the world. They can also be like loaded weapons. When we use words like “attack,” “aggression,” “random,” “mean,” and “vicious,” we’re assigning intention and/or deeper meaning, inaccurate or exaggerated as it may be, to a behavior or action.
Speaking from my experience, specifically with “problem” cats in their homes, I’d say close to 90 percent of the time I’m at least partially dealing with a problem of perception, and the language used around that perception: “My cat is attacking me viciously” or “randomly.” I’m not saying that the description isn’t sometimes accurate, but by and large, it’s just chatter. What may seem to my clients to be just words are, to me, poisoning the well of their relationship with their cat as well as being poison to the cat. These kinds of words suggest that your cat is a stranger to you, creating a wall between you. But I’ve heard them used over and over again for minor offenses like ankle nipping, even in cases where skin isn’t broken . . . and even when no direct contact has been made, for that matter!
But the poison doesn’t end there. When you nonchalantly say things like “he hates me” or “he’s the devil incarnate,” it paints your cat in a way that can’t be unpainted. When you name your cat “Devil Kitty,” “Bastard Cat,” or “Satan,” please, do us all a favor—especially your cat—and change his name to something more dignified . . . or at least a name you would bestow upon a human. Whatever your justification might be, it’s not a valid reason for such a negative label. It’s an unnecessary form of devaluing him that will conspire, on one level or another, to weaken your relationship.
Remember . . . if you say he viciously attacks, then that’s what he does. If you say he’s a bastard, that’s what he is. Labels can hurt, and tone can crush. Cats may not understand English, but they certainly understand tone. The words we use reflect and influence the way we feel about something, but they also convey feeling and nuance—often hurtful—to our loved ones, even when we are not aware of it. This applies ten times as much to your cat. So, if you want to keep your home environment Mojo-fied at all times, you must remain mindful of the words you use around your cat—both spoken and unspoken.
The Kitty Curs
e Jar Concept
If you’ve gotten in the habit of directing ugly language at your cat, here’s a solution: establish a designated “kitty curse jar.” Then, every time you or someone else calls your cat something like “evil,” “devil,” or “bastard”—put a dollar in it. Do it for a few weeks, and you’ll quickly become aware of how you talk about your cat and see how it can all add up.
Cat Daddy Tip: Oh, and what do you do with the money? Buy your cat a new toy, of course!
PROJECTION
Say you’re having a rough day: You wake up and immediately get into a fight with your significant other; you get a speeding ticket on your way to work; your boss yells at you; then you drop your lunch in your lap. Finally, you get home, exhausted, humiliated, and with salad-dressing pants—and the first thing you see is your cat sitting there, just staring at you. All of a sudden, that frantic inner dialogue kicks in and you’re like: “What? What did I do? What is wrong with you? I put a roof over your head and cuddle you and this is what I get in return? Well, screw you.”
The problem is, you are attempting to make an objective judgment call about what your cat is thinking from an extremely nonobjective place. We call this Projection. In psychology, the term is used to describe the tendency to take our own feelings, insecurities, impulses, or anger and ascribe them to others. In the above story, you were projecting your own negative feelings onto your cat, who you think suddenly hates you.
Cats, in particular, are ripe for human projection, because people often find them “hard to read.” For this reason, they become a blank canvas for us to scribble our manic ramblings on . . . untrue as they may be. That feline tabula rasa becomes a litany of revenge-seeking, masterminding plots on all imagined human wrongdoings. And projection doesn’t even have to come from a place of anger or frustration. Sometimes we think that because we want something—like privacy when we’re going to the bathroom—that our cats must want it, too. Again, not true.
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