by Lynn Bulock
“I couldn’t have done it alone,” he said, nuzzling her temple. “You’re an amazing woman. I never realized until all this just how amazing. Or how much a woman.”
The husky tone of his voice would have sent her into a panic even a day before. But now Holly sat still in surprise at the feelings Jake was stirring in her. He was strong and masculine and exultant with power, sitting so close to her that she could feel the heat of his body covering her and she had no desire to push him away. In fact, it was all she could do not to draw him even closer. What was happening?
His lips were seeking hers now, and Holly was awash with feelings that were new and overwhelming. Her hands on the depth of his muscled chest should have been pushing him away, but she did not do so. But, as the kiss began to deepen, Holly found the little inner reserve she had left and backed away from Jake. He was still there, just inches from her.
“Jake, this is going to be even harder for me than praying was for you,” she told him, pressing her lips together to keep from letting a sob escape.
“I can’t believe that,” he said, his words slow and honeyed. “You must not know how hard it was for me to ask for help.”
“Oh, I know,” she said, feeling tears prick the corners of her eyes. “And that’s why it hurts so much to say this, but we have to stop now. And nothing like this can ever happen again between us.” There was no way to stop the tears now, but she could keep Jake from seeing them. Holly pulled away from him, fleeing the comforting warmth of his arms as she nearly flew up the stairs to the cold bedroom. The door slammed behind her and she locked it. Daylight came before she stopped trembling enough to fall asleep.
Chapter Seven
What had happened? Jake asked himself the same question for hours and failed to get an answer that satisfied him. He ran the scene over in his mind a dozen times and remained as confused afterward as he had been when Holly fled the room. At first he thought that she’d come back down in a few minutes and they’d talk over what went on. But when that didn’t happen in the first twenty minutes or so, he knew he’d lost his chance to go after her as well.
He fell asleep sitting straight up on the couch, still trying to puzzle out the answer to his question. He briefly thought about taking the question in prayer to God, but he wasn’t sure he’d like the results he would get. After all, it was his rusty prayer that kicked off this whole confusing mess to begin with.
In the morning Holly came down from her bedroom and seemed distant and detached in a way she hadn’t been since her first few weeks as his assistant, two years ago. She still wore jeans and a flannel shirt, but the shirt was buttoned up to the collar and tight at the cuffs. Her hair was trapped back in a French braid. She’d walked King outside without a word for Jake.
Even the folks at the main house seemed to notice that something was up when they went for breakfast. Jake caught Mike and Dorothy exchanging a look, Mike shrugging broad shoulders and Dorothy giving a brief shake of her head. Their silent communication discouraged Jake from discussing anything with either of them. He drank his coffee, ate his breakfast and the three of them went back to the cabin as silently as they’d come, dog in the middle of the front seat.
Now that he’d made the final breakthrough in Barclay’s files, there was so much to do that Jake could have used two assistants. Holly did two people’s work in the days that followed, but she did it so quietly and calmly that it made Jake want to scream. More than once he wanted to grasp her shoulders and make her look straight into his face while he asked her point-blank what had happened.
As much as he wanted to, he finally came to the conclusion that he couldn’t do that. Something kept holding him back, though he couldn’t say just what it was. All he knew for sure was that he and Holly had shared something incredibly special that changed the way he looked at life, and at her. And now he couldn’t bring back that magic moment, much as he tried.
It really did a number on his newfound faith to think that this glorious sense of trust in God that had developed might come at the price of his growing relationship with Holly. Why couldn’t he have both? If God was the awesome all-powerful being that Holly had said He was, why weren’t all the pieces of Jake’s life coming together at the same time? He’d asked for help, and gotten it so quickly that it was like one of those heavenly lightning bolts you see in cartoons. But just as quickly the flames of the fire that had sparked between him and Holly had gone out. It still didn’t make sense.
Friday morning Jake looked around the cabin as he drank his coffee. This was the last day he and Holly would be here together. It was Christmas Eve, and the trial prep was basically over. Tomorrow he’d be back in the city with his family, celebrating the holiday. For the first time in years he actually looked forward to going to church with his parents. That would surprise them all.
He’d talked to Rose half a dozen times this week, whenever cell phone reception and time allowed them to grab a moment. “I look for jury selection to be over by Monday noon and opening statements that afternoon. You’ll be up by Wednesday, Thursday at the latest,” she told him. And now, he was ready.
Jake took another drink of his coffee. It was growing cold. He should feel on top of the world. The biggest case of his career was working out better than he could have hoped. After years of feeling detached from his family because he just couldn’t share the faith they all seemed to have in common, he had a real idea of what being a child of God was all about.
Instead of exulting over these things, Jake felt flat. He’d come to the cabin with only two objectives in mind: putting Barclay behind bars, and protecting Holly while he did so. He’d accomplished one of those things but felt as if he’d failed miserably at the other. Who knew that protecting Holly would mean he should have protected her from him? The distant, wounded look she wore now was worse than her expression after she’d been sideswiped in the street, and this time Jake had no idea of how to make things better.
She was still so efficient and competent, ready to meet his every need as long as it wasn’t emotional. And as if to underscore that point, the bedroom door opened above him, and he heard her come down the ladder. After a few moments in the bathroom, she emerged looking as put together and proper as she had for the past four days, and every bit as remote. Jake was seized by the desire to throw his coffee mug across the room in frustration. If it wouldn’t have startled the dog, he would have done it.
Instead he took a deep breath and stood up. “Holly, we have to talk. I’m not saying it has to happen right now, but sometime today, before we leave here, I have to know why you’re avoiding me.” It took most of his strength to say things as neutrally as possible instead of pulling her to him or raising his voice.
Fortunately, the restraint worked. Holly nodded slowly. “You deserve to know that much. Give me a couple hours.”
He felt a pang of remorse. “Take the whole day if you need it. Can we agree to meet here after dinner, when everything is packed up, but before we go back to spend Christmas with our families?”
She nodded again. “We can. I’ll give you an answer then.” When she looked up at him, Jake almost changed his mind. Her deep-brown eyes sparkled with tears, and he could see that this was costing her plenty. But he’d gone too far to back down now, and he didn’t think he could go back to the city without knowing why Holly had run so hot and cold in the course of an hour. That time now felt like one of the most momentous hours of his life, and he wanted to understand just how it had happened.
Holly watched Jake turn and walk away and she wondered how she was going to find the courage to keep the promise she had just made. Jake deserved an answer. Now if only she could figure out what the truth really was. The truth of her past was easy enough to explain. It wasn’t pretty, but after five years she could lay out the facts of what had happened to her. What was still confusing her was what had happened three days ago, and her deep reaction to it. How did she explain to Jake how she felt? She’d thought about it and prayed about
it ever since and still didn’t have a concrete answer. That was the reason she’d put him off one more time, wondering what she was going to say.
Until then there was plenty to do. Everything needed to be packed up and stowed in the Jeep, and the two of them needed to go over the facts of Jake’s findings on Barclay. It would take most of the day to accomplish those two things, and Mike expected them to have meals at the house in between. With it being Christmas Eve, Dorothy had probably gotten all kinds of things together to make the day a special one. Holly hoped she could at least pretend to do justice to some of Dorothy’s goodies. She was already getting searching looks from Michael’s housekeeper due to her lack of appetite and enthusiasm these last few days. All she needed now was someone else concerned about her.
Late tonight, if everything went as planned, Holly would go back to the main house with King and Jake would climb into the Jeep and drive it back to Colorado Springs to get his newly repaired vehicle and join his family for whatever they had planned for Christmas. Neither of them had talked much about Christmas Day in this wild week of trial preparation and personal contact. All Holly knew for sure was that once they got back to the city again, she and Jake faced a week focused on the trial, not each other.
If they were going to resolve any of these things between them, it would have to be today. But first, there was so much to do, most of it together. Holly took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and began praying under her breath. It was the only way she could imagine getting through a day like this one promised to be.
Nine hours later everything was packed and stowed in the Jeep except the barest of essentials. They’d gone over the trial information twice. Holly was so proud of Jake and the work he’d done, and the fact that he’d found a way to ask God for help in doing it. That surprised her so much more than anything else that happened in their week together. Even their tumultuous kiss days before wasn’t as big a shock as that prayer.
Now she was nearly weaving on her feet from the day’s work. Looking around the compact bedroom in the cabin one last time, she checked for anything she might have left behind. Or maybe she just stalled for time to keep from facing Jake yet. There was so little space in the bedroom that the latter seemed more likely. The neatly made bed, rustic chest of drawers with a battery-operated clock on top, and one rag rug under a straight-backed chair still made up the only furniture in the room. None of her belongings could hide in a room like this, and it was time for her to stop hiding as well. She turned off the light and went down the stairs.
Jake sat on the couch in front of the sofa, poking at the embers of the dying fire. Midwinter darkness had begun to gather outside the windows, and on any other evening Holly would have been touched by the tray of cocoa and cookies that he’d somehow put together for their last hour in the cabin. It was a thoughtful gesture, and one she knew hadn’t come naturally to him.
He looked up, and saw her gaze at the tray sitting on top of the leather ottoman. “It was the least I could do,” he said with a gesture. “Neither of us drinks alcohol, so there was no sense in suggesting a little Dutch courage to get through this, whatever it’s going to be. We’ll just have to make do with hot cocoa.”
Holly nodded in agreement and made her way to the sofa, sitting on the other end from Jake. “Thank you. How did you put this together, anyway?”
He shrugged. “It’s nothing fancy. The cocoa’s instant, made with water from the coffeemaker. Even I can do that. And I conned Dorothy out of the cookies when we were there for lunch. I thought it might be nice to have something here to take the edge off our discussion. If anything can.” In the course of his speech, Jake’s face had gone from a boyish grin to a more somber look as he watched Holly’s face. “So. You were going to explain everything to me. Is there any way I can make things easier?”
Holly shook her head. “I don’t think anybody could. It’s kind of you to try, Jake.”
“Kindness. One of the many traits you wouldn’t have expected from me before this week, huh?” His blue eyes held an intense gleam. “There have been a lot of unexpected things for me this week, Holly. I never expected to find faith of the kind my parents seem to have so naturally The fact that I found it here with you, even if it’s only the beginnings of faith, has knocked me for a loop.”
“I can tell,” she began, thanking God for the transition Jake’s admission provided. “And it’s knocked me for a loop too, to use your phrase. This whole week has been intense and filled with the unexpected. For me the most unexpected thing was that I found myself in your arms, and I liked it.” She took a deep breath, closing her eyes briefly. There. The hardest part of this had begun. Now if she could just rely on the strength she knew her Heavenly Father had, and trust Him to put the right words in her mouth, maybe this would all go well after all.
“You liked it?” Jake’s brow knit. “It sure didn’t look that way. You were up those stairs faster than summer lightning.”
“I was scared and shocked. I still am.”
Jake drew back a little, looking confused. “Am I that scary? Funny, I’ve always been told I had quite a touch….”
Holly stopped Jake before he could go further. “No, not just by your advances. By my reaction to them. Responding that warmly to that kind of attention from you was the last thing I expected to do.” She found herself clutching the mug of cocoa like a life preserver. Its comforting warmth gave her something to focus on besides the discomfort of what lay ahead. Even King seemed to sense her unease, whining from his spot on the rug.
She took a tiny sip of the warm liquid, all she could manage. There was no way to put things nicely and make Jake understand how conflicted her feelings were. “How much do you know about my life before I started working for the FBI, and for you?”
“Very little. I recognized your name when you interviewed, because I know plenty of your extended family. Your mom taught me English in high school, but she taught almost everybody of our generation who went to the public high school. I vaguely remember that you went to college out of state, and lived there for a while afterward. Why?”
“Mainly because of things that happened when I was still in Ohio, after finishing school there. I liked Ohio, thought I’d stay there forever. With my business degree I got a nice job and enjoyed it. I was active in a good church with a fun singles group, and the money I made was enough to let me look at buying a condo in one of the nicer suburbs of Cincinnati. And then along came Victor Convy.”
“Bad dating relationship?”
“It was worse than that, I’m afraid.” Holly tried to keep her hands from trembling as she spoke. She finally put down the cup, sure that if she held it longer, the cocoa would slosh out. “Victor started going to the singles group at my church. It was one of those large megachurches and there were over thirty of us in the group. He didn’t seem like the normal church-group kind of guy, but I decided to give him a chance when he asked me out.
“We went out twice by ourselves outside of the church group. Victor was older that I was by a few years, and even though he tossed around what seemed like a lot of money, he appeared lonely, somehow. The first time, we went to a restaurant that was far nicer than anyplace I would have gone by myself, or with my friends from work. He asked me what kind of music I liked, and when I said classical he told me that he had two tickets to the symphony the next week. When he invited me to go along, I agreed.”
“Sounds like a perfectly nice guy. Why am I already suspicious?” Jake sounded as protective as Mike and Ken, which touched Holly’s heart, and made her hate to continue her story. But it was too late to stop now.
“The symphony was great. Victor knew I didn’t drink, so he made a great show of going somewhere for just coffee and dessert afterward. He insisted that I get a fancy flavored coffee drink. Halfway through it I felt odd and ill. My first instinct was to call a taxi, but Victor insisted on taking me home.”
“I don’t like where this is going,” Jake said. Holly looked down to s
ee that his knuckles were white where he grasped his mug of hot chocolate. “He slipped something in your coffee, didn’t he? If you don’t want to tell me any more, I can guess the rest.”
“You could, but I’m ready to tell you now.” Holly felt close to tears, moved by his concern and anger. “He took me to his home instead of the apartment I shared with another woman from work. My memory was hazy, and I seemed to be unable to make it as clear as I was trying to that I didn’t want the attention he was forcing on me. He raped me and afterward took me home to my apartment and dropped me off at the front of the building, still feeling sick and groggy, barely able to get the door unlocked.”
“Did you call the police?” Jake’s eyes were a steely blue that looked frightening.
“It was the first thing I did once I could get my thoughts together enough to dial the phone. I went through a night in the emergency room, giving my statement, all the awful things rape victims have to do if they want their attacker prosecuted. And I certainly wanted him prosecuted. Even if I had been reluctant, I probably would have continued because the police urged me to do it. One female detective told me that there were at least three other women she was aware of personally who had accused Convy of date rape.”
“But he wasn’t ever charged? Brought to trial?”
“Not before that. He was a wealthy man with good lawyers and a knack for picking vulnerable women. No one else pressed charges.”
“But you did.” It wasn’t a question, just a flat statement, and Holly echoed it.
“I did. The prosecutor at the time really argued for me to stay strong and see it through. He warned me that if I didn’t, Convy would be back on the street doing this again. And I think he saw me as the perfect victim to take Convy down. I was twenty-four, a devout Christian and everybody who knew me well knew I wouldn’t have gone to Convy’s apartment that night of my own free will, much less have ever agreed to have sex with him. My faith, and the beliefs it entailed, wasn’t any secret to my friends then, Jake, any more than it is now.”
