“Of course,” I said, speaking reflexively, because I was still in shock. If Mary had knocked on my mother’s door, why hadn’t my mother called me in a panic? Was she okay? Or was she curled up in a ball of terror in her bed? “You know what? Why don’t I come back to your house and get it now? That way she could have it for lunch.”
Mary nodded, her expression solemn, and placed a hand on my shoulder. “You’re a good daughter, Dilly Thompkins. No mother could ask for a better daughter than you.”
I nodded, my throat tight and my eyes stinging, because I knew the truth. I was the worst kind of daughter and if I’d just been…Easier on my mother, maybe she wouldn’t be in the state she was in now. “Thank you, Mary. Do you mind if we go now? I have to be at work soon.”
“Of course, dear.” Her expression was far too sad for the situation. Damn it, she knew more than she was telling me. I was almost certain of it, but not certain enough to risk calling her out on it.
***
I knocked on my mother’s door using our agreed-upon, knock-knock wait, knock-knock wait, code and she opened it right away, relieving my worry that she’d been terrified by Mary’s visit. She gave me a weak smile and returned to her usual spot on the couch as I walked in and shut the door behind me. “Hi, Momma. How are you doing today?”
“I didn’t sleep at all last night. There was a dog barking outside and I had a feeling he was trying to let me know something terrible was about to happen.”
I stopped in my tracks and really looked at her. Was her mind going? She wasn’t old enough for dementia. Was she? I smiled. “You didn’t honestly believe the dog was trying to talk to you, did you?”
She frowned. “I’m not a complete idiot, Dilly. I just mean the dog might have been barking because there were suspicious individuals creeping around out there.”
Relief made my knees weak. “Mary made her world-famous chili for you, I’ll put it in the fridge.”
She scrunched up her face in distaste. “Her world-famous chili is awful. That’s why I didn’t answer the door when she came by. You might as well take it home with you. I won’t eat it.”
My mother liked to pretend she was still a functioning member of society by suggesting she didn’t do things, like open her door, because she had a good reason not to and not because she was afraid. I didn’t bother arguing with her. I’d been down that road and it led nowhere good. “I can’t take it home right now. I’ve got to get to work. I’ll just leave it in your fridge and pick it up later.”
“Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight?” she asked. “We won’t have the chance to share a meal once you and your aunt ship me off to New Hampshire.”
Biting back a sigh, I took the chili to the kitchen. I put it in the fridge and took a moment to just breathe. Eyes closed, I pictured the sunset over the mountains, imagined Oscar, silent and supportive next to me. I opened my eyes feeling a little better. Oscar didn’t know why I needed support, would never know as far as I was concerned, but he still seemed to know exactly what I needed when I needed it and he gave it to me without question or judgment.
Not only did I look forward to the time we spent together, I’d started to depend on it. Books had always been my escape from the real world. I could read and, when I put the book down, I felt a bit like I’d been on a vacation, like I’d had a relaxing break. The time I spent with Oscar made me laugh and filled me with a happiness that books had never given me, but he also gave me quiet and understanding. When I walked away from him, I felt, well lately I’d felt a bit like I needed a cold shower, but I also felt stronger, like I could take on whatever happened and handle it. He lit up my days in a way no one ever had before.
I wrapped my arms around my middle and gave myself a tight squeeze. I imagined it was Oscar hugging me, whispering in my ear that I could handle this. I smiled. Maybe I wasn’t entirely sane. Oscar was taken, he had a live-in girlfriend. A woman with no baggage, I was sure. I’d be an idiot to depend on him too much, to expect his friendship to last, but I could enjoy him for now. I could take strength from his support as long as I remembered it wouldn’t last. I’d have to figure out how to support myself again at some point. Alone.
“Sure.” I walked out to rejoin my mother. “I’d love to have dinner with you tonight.”
Her lips ticked up just a bit in her current version of a smile. She never smiled like she had before my dad passed, fear or exhaustion prevented any real happiness. Maybe Aunt Melly was right, maybe we were holding her back, enabling her by not pushing her harder to get help.
I sat on the couch next to her and took her hands in mine. “All I really want, Momma, is for you to be happy. I just want you to not be afraid anymore.”
She leaned in and rested her forehead against mine. “Then be safe, Dilly. If you’re safe, I have nothing to fear.”
I said the words she wanted to hear, “I take every precaution, Momma,” but I couldn’t manage a smile, couldn’t fill the words with energy or promise. Her wish for my safety was probably what every mother wished for their child, but with my mother it was suffocating and a burden I hated. What she really wanted was me locked away in this apartment with her. She might not say it now, but she’d said it before and a part of me hated her for wishing her life on me.
“I know you do, dear. Just…Maybe you shouldn’t go to work today. That dog last night—”
I pulled back and dropped her hands, my gut pulling tight. “I have to go to work. I’ll be fine, I promise.”
Her face twisted. “What if the people the dog saw are still out there, Dilly? What if they’re planning to cause trouble? There was another mass shooting last week. In a bookstore, Dilly. A bookstore isn’t so different from a library. Anyone could just walk in and pull out a gun.”
Of course, the risk of a shooting at the library had crossed my mind, but not going into work because of the possibility of some freak with a gun was a one-way ticket to the life my mother led. Even so, I knew from experience that arguing would lead to nothing good. She’d freak out and I’d have to stay to calm her down and I’d be late to work. “I’ll go straight home, and I’ll stay there, okay?”
She clasped her hands together in her lap. “Thank you, Dilly. It helps me more than you can know to be able to rest without worrying someone’s holding a gun to your head.”
“I’ll be by for dinner.”
“Why don’t you just stay here with me? It would save you a trip and if there’s anyone out there…”
“I have to go home.” My skin itched like it was too tight and my heart pumped with panic. I remembered far too vividly the time my mother had locked me in my room to keep me safe. She’d left me there for two days before I’d escaped from her for good. I wouldn’t be trapped again. “I have…I have to babysit for Carrie this afternoon. We wouldn’t want her kids going to school when you’re having one of your bad feelings about a mass shooting.” I crossed my fingers behind my back that she wasn’t aware that it was spring break or that Carrie and the kids were out of town.
“Of course, dear,” she said. “Good thinking. But shouldn’t Carrie stay home as well?”
“You’re absolutely right. I’ll head over there now to convince her.”
My mother’s brow twisted in confusion. “Won’t she already be at school? I don’t want you in that place. It’s far too dangerous.”
“I’ll call her,” I said, pulling out my cell phone. “I’ll leave right now and call her, but I should be at home in case she just sends the kids home and needs me to watch them.”
“Okay, Dilly. Just let me know when you’re home.”
“I’ll call as soon as I get there. Don’t forget, though, I’m walking, so it will take me sixteen minutes to get there.”
She nodded, glancing at the clock on the microwave. “Sixteen minutes. I love you, baby.”
“I love you, too,” I said, my heart cracking. Her attention didn’t budge from the clock as I left and shut the door. I listened as the locks clicked into place behind me
. Then, I set the timer on my phone, and I started walking. My mother had always been difficult, but I could no longer deny that she was far worse than she had been.
My timer went off right outside the coffee shop in downtown Catalpa Creek. I stopped, stepped to the side, and pulled my phone from my pocket. “I’m home,” I said, as soon as she answered. “I got here just fine.”
“Did you see anyone suspicious?”
“No. I didn’t see anyone suspicious, though a squirrel did give me a strange look when I walked by.”
“This isn’t funny, Daffodil Thompkins. Your safety is very important.”
“I know. I’m fine, Momma. I’m home and I’m safe and you have nothing to worry about. I’ll see you tonight for dinner.”
“I think it would be best if you stayed home tonight, dear. I don’t want you risking yourself to come see me again. You just stay in your house, and don’t leave for anything.”
I hated the relief that pulsed through me. Hated that I was happy to be avoiding my mother. “Okay, some other time, then.”
I hung up after only about ten more reassurances that I was home and safe, the stove wasn’t on, and I didn’t have any appliances near water. I spun to the sidewalk, dying for the coffee I’d buy inside, and came face to face with Oscar.
He didn’t look happy and I was certain he’d heard at least some of my phone conversation. His hair was messy, but he looked good, even with his lips set in a firm line of unhappiness. I wanted to taste those lips, to wrap myself around him and feel his hands on my skin, to let the feel and taste of him wash away my entire morning, until there was only him and me. The thought took me by such surprise and filled me with such longing, I found it hard to catch my breath for a moment.
“Hi, Oscar. On your way inside for coffee?”
He held up a large cup. “Already got it? Everything okay?”
“Everything’s great,” I said. “I just need to get some coffee and get to work before I’m late.”
I tried to sidle past him, to live in the fantasy where he’d heard nothing of my phone call, but he blocked my path and put a hand on my arm. The heat from his hand made me tingle all over, but the serious concern on his face made my stomach flip. “Were you on the phone with your boyfriend?”
“No,” I said, horrified that he would think that. I went back over the things he might have overheard and tried to piece together a likely story. I forced a laugh. “No, of course not. Jerome would never…No, I was talking to my grandmother. You know how grandmothers are…” I swung a hand in the air, pretending a casualness I didn’t feel. “She worries about everything.”
His concern didn’t fade, not even a little bit. “If he’s hurting you or—”
“No.” I was starting to get annoyed. And yes, I realized how hypocritical it was of me to get annoyed that he wasn’t believing my blatant lie, but I just wanted a break. I just wanted him to be the solid support I’d come to expect. “Honestly, Oscar, I was talking to my grandmother.” I pulled my phone back out and handed it to him. “Hit redial on the last call and she’ll answer.”
He looked at my phone and took a step back, thankfully not taking me up on my bluff. “I’m sorry, Dilly. I don’t know why I…” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have intruded on your phone call.” He took two more steps back and I felt like the worst kind of person. I was the worst kind of person. He was reasonably concerned about me and I was actually lying to him. He shouldn’t be the one feeling bad in this situation. But I couldn’t tell him the truth, I just…I couldn’t. I’d been lying too long for anyone to ever forgive me at this point, especially Oscar.
“It’s okay.”
He shook his head, looking so sad and worried I almost dropped to my knees right there and told him the truth. “No. It’s not. I’m sorry, Dilly. I should have never assumed…Of course, Jerome is a good guy. You wouldn’t ever—”
“Thank you,” I said, because I needed to make him stop feeling bad about this. “Thank you for worrying about me.” And I meant it. My mother’s worry was suffocating, but Oscar’s worry wasn’t about locking me away in a room to keep me safe to make himself feel better. He genuinely seemed to be concerned for me.
He shuffled, looking even more confused, which was fair, since I must have sounded like a crazy person. “Sure,” he said. “Of course. I should get to work.”
I watched him go and ignored the bad feeling that something fragile in my friendship with Oscar had just broken. Bad feelings were just the first step on the journey to my mother’s life, and I always ignored them if I could.
***
I hurried up the walk, phone to my ear, and bag slipping from my shoulder. “I’m home. I’m safe,” I said to my mother for the sixth time. “I’ll talk to you in a couple hours.”
“Okay, Dilly. Don’t forget to turn the oven off after you make dinner.”
“I picked up some take-out on the way home, remember? That’s why I was late calling you.”
I stopped halfway down the walk. Oscar’s girlfriend, Molly, was sitting on the top step, Buddy next to her. It had been three days since Oscar had overheard my call to my mother and I’d only seen him long enough to give him the key to my half of the duplex, so he could let Buddy out when he was home and I wasn’t. Apparently, Oscar had shared the key with Molly.
“Oh, well, that’s good,” my mother said. “Just be sure—”
“Mom. I’ll call you later, okay. Someone’s at the door.”
“Oh, dear. Don’t answer it, Dilly. There’s no telling who it is.”
I felt like banging my head against the pavement. Molly was watching me now, curiosity obvious, and my mother was on the verge of a meltdown. “I’m not answering the door, okay? It was just the post woman dropping off a package. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay. Just don’t open the door until you’re sure she’s gone and…Are you expecting a package? Crazy people put bombs in packages these days. You can’t be too careful.”
Except, you could be too careful. So careful you forgot to enjoy life. “It’s a book I ordered. Totally safe. I’ve got it and the door is shut and locked. I’m safe, okay?”
She sighed. “I’ll talk to you before bed, dear.”
I hung up, slid the phone in my pocket, and waited for Molly to ask. She just smiled. “Mothers.” She shook her head. “They’re enough to drive us all crazy.”
My smile in return felt brittle. It had been a long week and it was only Friday. I still had to work one more day. Without Aunt Melly in town, I had to check in on my mother every other day myself, and she’d been having a particularly difficult week, demanding more phone calls and more visits. At work, I was starting a new project, something I’d been dreaming of doing for a while. It involved the elderly meeting up with high school students. The students would teach our older friends about technology and the older people would tell the kids stories from their lives that the kids would record and compile into a book for the library. Maybe no one would ever look at the book and maybe the elderly patrons would never use the technology they learned, but I was optimistic that bonds and friendships would be formed.
We’d had our first meeting that evening and it had been awkward at first, but everyone had been laughing by the end, so I counted it a success. I wished I had a moment to celebrate that success, to feel glad about it, but Betty had cornered me after the meeting and demanded to know how my mother was. I’d lied amazingly well, but I wasn’t entirely sure Betty was convinced. I was on edge, had been on edge all week. I felt like everything was on the verge of crumbling around me and there was nothing I could do about it.
“Right,” I said to Molly. “Mothers.” I couldn’t say anymore, didn’t trust myself to say anymore. “Thanks for getting Buddy out for his walk.”
“I didn’t. Oscar got him out before he left for his date. I figured I’d just hang out with him for a while. He’s such a sweet dog.”
I stared at her, my bag slipping from my shoulder once again. I to
ok three steps toward her and stopped. “Date?”
She grinned. “Yeah, a second date. He told me not to wait up, so I think it might be serious.”
I sank down on the top step next to her, Buddy between us. “And you’re okay with that?”
She scrunched her nose. “Sure. Why wouldn’t I be? He seems happy, so I’m happy for him, you know?”
No. I didn’t know. I did not understand people and their open relationships. If I knew Molly better, I might ask her to explain it, but I doubted that would go over well. “That’s very understanding of you.”
She gave me a funny look. “You think? I figured he should get to have some fun. The first trimester is rough, and I’ve been sick every morning. Poor guy needs an excuse to get out of the house.”
Shock barreled through me. I thought I knew Oscar better. I didn’t think he was the kind of guy who would…”You’re pregnant?”
She grinned. “I am. Six weeks today.”
I just stared. How could she possibly be okay with her boyfriend, the father of her baby dating another woman? I couldn’t ask her that, obviously, but maybe…”Congratulations. You must be so happy.”
“I am.” Her smile was warm and friendly. “I really am.” She seemed like a nice, sane woman. Why would she put up with this nonsense?
We sat in silence for a few minutes, me trying to wrap my mind around Oscar’s surprising Lothario ways. “How was your day?” she asked. “Oscar says you work at the library in town?”
“I do.” Was I really having a normal conversation with Oscar’s pregnant girlfriend while he was out on a date with another woman? I pinched myself under my left arm where she couldn’t see, but I didn’t wake up. “I run an outreach program for the elderly residents of Catalpa Creek.”
“That’s so wonderful. I bet you hear a lot of great stories.”
“I do.” I pushed to my feet and Buddy rose with me. Maybe he was as weirded out as I was. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I haven’t had dinner, yet, and I’m starving.”
The Good Guy on my Porch (Catalpa Creek #3) Page 11
