“We can spend the rest of our time together being crazy and upset and mad. Or like you said, let’s focus on our blessings- that we are together NOW. That I can hold you at night and sleep right next to you for the rest of our days. That we can spend time with our son and the girls, the family we created.”
I took a ragged breath and let myself get caught up in his wisdom. “That I can kiss you and love you because you’re never far away from me. And I can tell you I love you with all my heart and soul whenever I feel like it.”
Jame stood up, pulling me up with him. “I thank God everyday that I came after you and our son and we’re here today.”
“Yup, you’re my steamroller, Jame. Thank you for never giving up on us.”
“Is our hard conversation over, my love? ‘Cause this is sounding like foreplay to me.”
He took my hand and led me upstairs and showed me how much love we have right now this second.
Chapter 41
Christmas was a quiet affair. By now Jame was in a hospital bed in the family room under hospice care. Wonderful nurses and helpers came daily to make him more comfortable.
The kids were a little freaked out, but held their own. They spent all their time with him when he was awake and the rest of the time
following me around like lost puppies.
“What will we do?” Kait would ask over and over again.
Michael stepped up to the plate with his answer, “We’ll all do the
best we can.”
Jame said he wanted to hang on so he could celebrate Michael’s 27th birthday on New Year’s Day. “I’ve never been with him on his birthday and I will make this happen.”
I believed him. Jame showed a will of steel as he counted off the days until it was New Year’s Eve.
“I made it, Cath. I’ll be around for his birthday. Hey Michael, come in here,” Jame called to our son.
“What’s up, Dad?”
“Sit, son. I want your mom to tell you the story of the day you were born.”
“Jame, I’m not sure…”
“No, Mom, that’d be great. I want to hear it.”
So I told them both the story of New Year’s Day, 1985, the day Michael was born. The first and last (I thought) time I would ever see him and hold him.
“She’s the one who came through for you, Michael, not me. So I want you to let her come through for you again. She’s an amazing and strong woman who will be your rock when you need her.”
Michael got what Jame was telling him and he hugged us both.
Jame was starting to drift off, but he begged us to stay up until midnight and wake him up so he could really be present for Michael’s actual birthday.
At midnight, we gently shook him awake and Michael, Erin, Kait, Jame and I ate birthday cake as Jame celebrated the one and only birthday he would share with his son.
Chapter 42
Jame did not want to die at home.
“I do not want the kids to come into this family room and have the memory of ‘my dad died here’.”
He also wanted to walk into the hospital.
On January seventh, Jame walked slowly into the hospital and admitted himself. His Living Will and medical Power of Attorney ached in my purse, and I prayed it would be easy for him, and that I would not be forced to make any decisions whatsoever.
He was hooked up to a morphine drip for the pain that knocked him out most of the time. His legs swelled as his body systems started to shut down. One night as he tried to take a shower, his legs were so swollen that he couldn’t bend his knee to lift his leg over into the shower.
“Look Cath. I used to be able to jump up and stuff the ball in the hoop. Now I can’t even get into the effing shower.” It was one of the few complaints I ever heard from my husband.
That Wednesday, the doctors told me it was time to call the family in. Jame and I had discussed this together and with the kids. He believed in getting it all out in the open and told them he wasn’t sure if he wanted them there. They told him tough luck. They were coming and it wasn’t his decision. He accepted that.
I called Michael first. “The doctors said he’s going to go today. It’s time to come.”
Then I called the girls who were still home from the holidays. They came right over.
“Michael will be here in a few hours, Jame. He’s on his way.”
I kept the countdown of Michael’s arrival for him even though Jame was deeply sedated with the morphine. I hoped it would get through to him so that Michael would be here in time.
I sat by Jame’s side, holding his hand, stroking those long fingers that now were so thin. And I remembered. Oh, how I remembered everything from the moment I first laid eyes on him, that tall, cute boy in ninth grade to this moment.
Michael came in looking bleak and sad. He hugged the girls, then me, and then sat on his father’s other side. Long fingers grasped long fingers as our son held his father’s hand for the last time.
“Michael’s here now, my love. You can let go now and go in peace. We’ll all miss you so very much.”
Michael lay his head down on the bed and wrapped his father’s arm around his shoulder as the tears streamed down my Jame-clone’s face.
The minutes ticked away. Jame was taking more shallow breaths. I leaned over and whispered in his ear, “You are the love of my life, Jame.”
And I swear he breathed out, “Love you, Cath…”
My sweet Jame died at 3:35pm. His brave battle was over.
Chapter 43
I felt like I was wrapped in cotton gauze the next few days. I couldn’t seem to focus on much. Bo followed me around the house as if to ask, “Where is he?”
Jame had told us what he wanted as a memorial service, nothing big, nothing fancy. So I set things up as he wished, and found myself in his closet. His Jame-scent surrounded me. I wrapped one of his old sweaters around me and it smelled like him. I could imagine his arms around me.
Erin found me in the closet.
“Mom, are you OK?” The concern in her voice was evident. She probably thought her old mom was losing her grip on reality.
“I’m good, sweetie. Just hanging out in Jame’s closet.”
“Yeah, I can see that. Can I come in?”
Erin sat down beside me and took the sleeve to Jame’s sweater and moved it from me to her. “I totally get what you’re doing here, Mom. Some of him is still here.”
Bless my daughter who was such a grown-up now. We held hands and grieved a little more.
Jame had given a list of the people to call to one of his best friends, so I didn’t have to do much of it. It was hard enough to speak about him, let alone make dozens of phone calls. The kids handled the calls to the house, answered the doorbell accepting deliveries and food.
Michael and Kait were in the throes of a laughing fit. I found them in the kitchen with 13 fruit arrangements.
“How are we going to eat all this fruit? I mean, I like to be healthy, but man!” Michael chuckled.
“You can take them back to your office and give them away.” Kait wiped her eyes.
“I can’t! They came from some of the people in my office.” They both went off in gales of laughter again.
“All right, children, I’ll send them over to the hospital or another needy place. People are just trying to be nice.”
Michael snorted one more time, “Yeah, but I think there’s another one pulling in the driveway…”
It was good to see them release some of their pent up sadness. Laughter helps with grief. I just wished I could laugh like they did. My heart ached for Jame so badly. I wasn’t sure I knew how to survive this.
I went into our office and pulled out his batch of documents for “after” as he called it. I would take them to his lawyer who would work on probating his will, filing the necessary paperwork for the life insurance policies and all the other details that have to be carried out to finish someone’s life here on earth. I was thankful I was spared having to do all th
at and as I got the pile ready for his lawyer, an envelope with “Cath” written in Jame’s handwriting slipped out.
Oh Jame. You wrote me one last letter to comfort me. I can’t read it now. Maybe after the memorial service and after everyone had gone back to their lives, then I would sit alone and hear your words in my heart.
Jame’s memorial service was set for Friday. Erin, Kait, Michael and I arrived early and planned out our parts in the service. Each wanted to say something and had prepared for it. Kait was the only one who felt she might not be able to do it.
“I’ll read yours if you stand by me as I do mine,” Erin offered. Ah, my girls, always there for each other. And for me. And now for Michael.
He looked a little forlorn in his suit, waiting for his father’s service to begin. Although he only knew Jame for about 5 months, his eyes showed the emptiness he felt. The resemblance was startling and I knew a few people who had never met Michael, or even knew about his existence, would be shocked. Some surprises today. Jame would have loved that.
Michael’s face lit up and I saw him hurry over to a sweet looking woman and wrap his arms around her. I knew instantly that this was Shirley, his “Mom” who raised him. I went over to meet this remarkable woman.
“Mom, this is Mom.” Michael’s grin put us both at ease.
“Shirley, this is wonderful that you came and I am so very, very glad to meet you.” I gave her a hug.
“Michael said it was fine that I come up for his father’s service. And I wanted to give you and Michael my love and support at this sad time.”
“You are welcome any time, Shirley. I hope you’re here for a couple days so we can talk about this wonderful son of ours.”
“Yes, I look forward to that, Cath. I wanted you to know that I saw you at the hospital when Michael was born. You looked so sad and heartbroken that I was happy that I could do a little something for you over the years. I hoped you enjoyed Michael’s photos.”
“They were a godsend and I am eternally grateful, Shirley.”
“Well, dear, you gave me the greatest gift one woman can give another. Thank you.”
As Michael took his adoptive mother to meet some of his co-workers and friends, a familiar figure entered the room. I hadn’t called her, Jame’s friend did that, but I knew she was coming and that I had to face her.
I also had to remember she had lost her only son, her only child.
“Hello, Mrs. Patterson. So sorry to see you under these circumstances. I know Jame loved you so much and wanted to spare you.”
Jame’s mother’s stoic veneer cracked and she broke out in sobs. “Cath, I don’t know what to say to you except that I’m sorry, so, so sorry.”
I put my arms around her and squeezed. Her heart was breaking. I felt my long-held grudge slipping away.
I caught Michael’s eye and motioned for him to come over. My Jame-clone stepped up.
“Mrs. Patterson, this is Michael, your grandson.” I put his hand in hers.
I knew she would be taken aback by the resemblance. Her face went white. Michael saved the day.
“What should I call you, Grandma or Nana? What would you like? It’s never too late to have a grandson, huh?”
Mrs. Patterson laughed and cried at the same time. He walked her over to meet Shirley. I marveled at the interconnectedness of it all. All because of Jame and his whirlwind presence in my life.
The wonderful minister, Rev. VanGratten, who had married us such a short time ago, was here to perform Jame’s service.
“We are here today to celebrate the life and spirit of James Patterson. I visited with Jame often during his illness and his primary concern and request of me, in Jame’s words, was to ‘take care of my family.’”
I saw Michael holding Shirley’s hand on one side and Kait’s on the other. Erin was on my other side and she reached out for Mrs. Patterson’s hand. Yes, Jame and I had created quite a family in this long/short time of being together. I reached out my hands to my daughters and held on tight.
“In fact,” Rev. VanGratten pulled out a few pages of notes in a familiar handwriting, “Jame told me exactly what he wanted me to say today to each of his family members. He made my job very easy and well, you all know how hard it is to say no to Jame Patterson.”
Yes, that was my husband, directing his funeral service from the beyond. I smiled through my tears.
“To Mrs. Patterson, Jame wanted you to know how very much he loved you. You gave him life and a few times you threatened to take it away! I’m sure he was kidding about that… He gives you to his family of Cath, Michael, Erin and Kait, to fill up your life to ease the emptiness of his leaving.”
Jame’s mother’s tears were flowing and Erin’s arm went around her frail shoulders, whispering reassurances into Mrs. Patterson’s silver hair.
“To Erin, Jame said that you were the daughter/friend he delighted in, always enjoyed your conversations, is still upset you wouldn’t help him find his dog, and he knows that you’ll take care of your mom because she’s going to be sad for a while.”
Erin gave a laugh about the dog comment and then slipped into tears. She reached over to kiss me. “I’m here for you always, Mom.”
“To Kait, the silly energetic one in our family. Thank you for the late night movie dates, your crazy laugh that always got us going, and your sweetness to this old guy who really needed it in his life.”
Kait buried her face in her hands and sobbed as Michael hugged her. Ahhh Kait, my emotional, up-and-down girl-woman. She lit up Jame’s life when he really needed it. I know they sent funny texts and photos trying to top each other with who said or found the funniest ones.
“Michael, for your father, this one was so hard. These are his words,” said Rev. VanGratten. “We only found you a few months ago and I am so sorry to leave you this soon. You are an amazing young man. I was a selfish young man and that cost me you and your mother for most of my life. I hope in these last few months, I gave back to you a fraction of what being with you and knowing you has given to me.’”
Michael nodded and then hung his head trying to hide his tears.
The reverend continued, “And Michael, your dad hopes that you keep close to your mom and sisters and welcome your grandmother into your life. Everyone is uplifted by knowing you.”
Then his eyes shifted to me. I had to remind myself to breathe.
“Cath, Jame has told you and shown you in so many ways his enduring love for you. He was most upset about leaving you. He called you his ‘tough cookie’ and his soul mate. I was a happy witness to your marriage vows and the renewal of your love and connection. Jame told me he left messages for you and you will know all that’s in his heart.”
I thought of the letter tucked away under my pillow. Jame’s last words for me that I knew I would reread and cherish forever.
Rev. VanGratten spoke more about Jame, his life and his legacy. There wasn’t a dry eye at his service, I’m sure, because Jame just affected people that way. You just had to love him. He wouldn’t let you off the hook with anything less. And that’s because he loved with all his heart and soul. If Jame were on your side, he would move heaven and earth to be there for you.
That’s why he came to me when he did. He told me that the timing was never right when I was married or he was married to connect and find our son. But the desire to be with me again and search for Michael overtook all his thoughts that last year before he showed up at my door. And I am forever grateful he did.
Chapter 43
Now it was our turn to talk about Jame.
Erin stood up first. Kait stood beside her. She spoke about how Jame whooshed into our lives and became their Dad. How happy he made all of us and it gave her faith that when life gets hard, just hang in there because blessings come out of that. “Only right now I’m having a hard time seeing the blessings of dad dying. I hope I will someday.”
Kait couldn’t speak so she handed her words to Erin to read for her. Erin began, “Kait says she
and dad had a special bond. ‘We could be crazy, silly together, and then he would slip into his dad role and warn me about life’s pitfalls and how to deal with them. Dad also showed us how to go after what we wanted; he taught us well, otherwise Michael might not be here because Erin and I went after him and we brought him home to Mom and Dad. We’ll miss him so much and promise we’ll help take care of Bo.’ ”
Michael rose to his feet. I had to blink my eyes to focus on him and not feel like I was seeing Jame again at a younger age.
“I only knew my father for a few months, but it was like seeing myself in a mirror for that time. He made me promise to say two things: that being my birth father was one of the most meaningful things in his life even though he came to it late. He said he learned that redemption is possible no matter what bad stuff you do. And the other thing is that love and forgiveness are the greatest gifts of all and he is so thankful that Mom gave those to him and he hopes that he gave her back at least some of what she so generously gave him. I thank him for many things: my good looks, kidding, all the business ideas he gave me, my new family that we have now, But most of all, he taught me that no matter what I do in life, I should choose it because it is good for me and for others in my life. I’ll miss you, Dad.”
Missing Pieces of My Forever-Heart Page 13
