So it made no sense that sitting there holding that list, tears sprang to my eyes. But I needed that list. That list might be the difference between me tucking my tail between my legs and heading off the island in a matter of months and me living out my dream of owning and operating my own dance studio on the island I’d always loved.
Maybe it was because I was 25, not 18 anymore. At 18 he was my first love and it was like rainbows and moonbeams and fireworks exploded every time I saw him. I had no context to make sense of it and nothing else mattered when I was with him, it was just Liam and me in our own private world.
Now I was an adult, not old in any real sense of the world but I had my claim to weariness. I’d worked myself to the bone under strict and harsh scrutiny, literally given such effort I’d collapsed to the floor only to be told I needed to give more. I’d danced with such intensity and passion I’d broken my toe, only to read a critic’s review the next day complaining that he found my performance lackluster. I’d had fellow corps members lie to me so I’d miss an audition opportunity, even my live-in-boyfriend George cheat on me with my main rival, my understudy whom I swore kept a voodoo doll in my likeness stuck full of pins in the hope one day I’d fail and give her her chance to shine.
Many mornings I’d woken up and not known whom I could call in time of need. My brother was lost to his own pain and my sister trapped in a fierce cycle of addiction. My mother was caught firmly in a net of her own design, attached to the goals of wealth, privilege and status that had contributed so little to her own happiness. My father probably wouldn’t even recognize my voice if I called him, and he wouldn’t be able to offer much else besides throwing money at a problem.
An act of unselfish help, offering something I actually needed? That didn’t happen often in my experience. But Liam had given me help, in the form of the right people to call. He’d also offered to take care of the flooring himself. And that meant I needed to sit on the floor myself, wiping a tear or two from my cheeks.
I told myself not to make too much of it. I shouldn’t get overly attached to him and assume he still had feelings for me. I shouldn’t throw myself at him and tell him I regretted ever leaving him. So after a few minutes, I picked myself up, dusted myself off and got a cup of coffee to start my day right.
“You look like you need this.” In Cuppa Joe, after a long line of tourists, Regina greeted me with a small, black coffee. And she said that after I’d splashed water on my face and given myself a little dust of foundation powder for good measure.
“Yeah.” I didn’t even try to deny it.
“Did Liam go yell at you yesterday?” Regina looked sheepish.
“He did.” When I’d mentioned my misadventure to Regina, I’d never imagined she’d tell Liam.
“I had no idea he’d go storming out of here like that.” She shook her head. “Men!”
“That’s OK.” I didn’t blame her at all, but I did wonder. “Why did you mention it to him, though? Were you just talking in general about the night, or…?”
“You’re asking why I mentioned you to Liam?” She gave me a piercing look before she turned her attention to an impatient tourist. “What can I get you?”
I left, blushing a little. Did she think there was something going on between us? Was there something going on between us? We hadn’t even had a regular, normal conversation since I’d gotten back onto the island. But I did have to admit, he was on my mind a lot. Last night, in particular.
I hadn’t exactly fallen right to sleep. The other night I’d displayed fortitude and resistance, insisting that no matter how hot and bothered I felt I wouldn’t touch myself and think about Liam. Last night I hadn’t had as much willpower.
In the dark between the sheets, I’d let myself go right where I wanted, closing my eyes and reliving every moment of our kiss. The feel of his rough hands, the power in his shoulders, the fierce intensity with which he held me, claimed me. It hadn’t taken long. I’d been so aroused all day. My fingers had worked my slick, throbbing clit as I’d pictured us not stopping, no interruption, just Liam and me, up against the wall, him thrusting hard and rough up inside of me. I’d cum, crying out into a pillow, my body shaking in orgasm.
My phone rang, snapping me back into reality. Eloise’s nanny sounded desperate. “Please, can I bring her to you?”
“Of course,” I assured her. I’d promised Eloise she could come spend a few hours with me at the store. She was desperate to be a part of the transformation. In particular, she dearly hoped to paint it bright pink. I’d cross that bridge when and if we came to it. And if I ever needed an excuse to say no to anything, I could always rely on the historical society. I was sure they had restrictions on using any paint colors other than beige, gray, or graying beige. Although my new friend and partner-in-crime Julia might be able to talk them into a dusty rose. That would look pretty.
Julia wasn’t exactly working miracles, but together with my daily persistence she was helping to move the process along, inch by inch. The latest victory we’d achieved was getting a waiver on the code that restricted the removal of plaster. I couldn’t put in dry wall, instead—that would be cray cray—but I could take down what was needed to fix electrical and plumbing. I felt a little like I’d gotten dispensation from the Pope.
Twenty minutes later Eloise burst in, nanny in tow. It wasn’t the first time she reminded me of her storybook namesake, full of boisterous mischief. “I’m ready to paint!” she declared, spinning around. She had several bags with her filled with various belongings. I wondered if that was typical of a five-year-old, or a symptom of the unrest and instability in her past. I knew they’d moved around a bunch. Maybe things had gotten so bad with my sister that Eloise had had to keep her prized possessions with her at all times for fear of not seeing them again?
“I brought some helpers!” She went over to the corner and started setting up shop, arranging her stuffed animals in a semi-circle.
“OK ’til 12?” her nanny asked.
“Why don’t I bring her home and give her lunch.” My offer was met with a wide smile of appreciation. “And I’ll take her to the beach this afternoon. Why don’t you take a little time to yourself.”
“Thank you so much.” She was out the door before I could say another word. I guessed working in our household might be a little stressful. My mother wasn’t exactly lenient, generous or quick to praise. Just sharing a roof with her put me on edge. But I had plans to change that. Plumbing first, electrical second. Once I had running water and electricity, I’d move in to the second floor no matter how much the plaster was crumbling and the roof needed patching. I didn’t need the place to be perfect, I just wanted to be on my own for the first real time in my life.
“OK, bunny, I’ve got a project for you!” I sang to Eloise. I’d given it some thought, knowing she’d want to feel like she was helping but I couldn’t actually ask her to roll up her sleeves and have at it. “Come and see.” I led her around back where lower laminate cabinets called for a thorough cleaning. After laying down a tarp, I set her up with a bucket of warm, soapy water and a big sponge. I helped her roll up her sleeves. I had no illusions about her somehow staying dry, but the cuffs might get in her way.
“Have at it, luv.”
Her grin lit me up. “Can we listen to Disney?” she asked and I indulged her, selecting her favorite iTunes station on my laptop. As Ariel belted out “A Whole New World,” I rolled up my own sleeves and began making calls, starting at the top of Liam’s list.
“No problem,” the first guy said. “He told me to be on the lookout for your call.” I heard that a few more times as I made my way along. It seemed Liam had told them all to expect I’d be in touch, and maybe also asked them if they could do me a solid, say yes and help me out. Everyone who answered my call agreed that, sure, they could come out in the next day or so and take a look. I couldn’t believe it.
I guessed different gestures seemed romantic at different times in life. Back when I was 18
I’d swooned when Liam gave me roses. Now, the name and number of a good plumber had me fanning myself. A half an hour later I felt more upbeat about the renovation than I ever had. I felt momentum, like my dream might not be all in my head. I might actually now have people to help me make them come true.
By the time I heard a knock on the door and saw it was Liam, I nearly flew at him with a huge smile on my face. I couldn’t help but hug him hello.
“Hey.” He hugged me back, sounding surprised but pleased.
“Sorry.” I took a step back, trying to practice restraint.
“No, it’s all right.”
“I’ve just been on the phone with some of the people you recommended,” I gushed. “They all sound really helpful and said they can come take a look at this place. Which, let me tell you, has not what I’ve been hearing.”
“Yeah, it’s a bad time of year to be trying to get some good help.”
“Tell me about it.” I shook my head. “But Johnny, the first plumber on your list, he’s coming out first thing tomorrow morning. And the second one you have on there is taking a look tomorrow afternoon.”
“Good, glad they’re coming by. Now we just have to make sure they do right by you.” He smiled at me and my heart skipped a beat. If I was not mistaken, he’d just used the pronoun we. As in he was going to help me with this project as well. It was hard enough when he was railing at me, angry and scornful. But it might be harder if he got all nice and supportive. I might melt into a puddle right then and there.
“Can I take a look at that flooring?” he asked. “I’ve got the day off, so I thought I’d come by. Sorry I didn’t call first. I realize I don’t have your number.”
“Oh yeah, no, of course.” I bumbled and fumbled, closing the door, searching for my phone only to realize I’d left it in the back room. “Here, I can put it in for you.” He handed me his phone, our fingers touching for a moment. I blushed like a teenager. Get it together, Sophie, I coached myself. I’d performed on some of the grandest stages in New York, London, Sydney, Paris and Moscow. But my hand had been steadier at a world premiere in front of an audience of hundreds than it was punching in the digits of my phone number into Liam’s phone. I did it wrong and had to delete and start over.
“Thanks. I can call you and then you’ll have mine, too.” My phone rang with his call and I instantly forgot it was him calling. Rushing to the phone to pick up, I saw his name and tried to laugh it off.
“Right, of course, it’s you calling.”
“Like I said.” He tilted his head, laughing but not unkindly at my lack of composure.
“Who are you?” Eloise popped out of the cabinet. She’d climbed entirely into it to scrub the nether regions. From the smudges on her nose and cheeks, it looked like she’d found some proper filth.
“Hi, I’m Liam.” He knelt down to her height and shook her soapy hand. “I see you’re here helping Sophie.”
“I’m cleaning,” she answered gravely, communicating that the task was of the utmost importance. “You can help,” she offered, “but I think you’re too big to fit in here with me. Maybe Sophie can find something else for you to do.”
“This is Eloise, my niece,” I introduced her. “And Liam’s going to take a look at the floor.”
“Oh, well.” Eloise scoffed a bit, clearly sensing the inferior status of his task. “Just see you do a good job with it.”
Uh-oh, some of my mother might have be rubbing off on her. I started to say something to make sure Eloise’s words didn’t sound too bratty, but then a tune from Tangled came on and she burst into song once again.
“Your sister Margot’s daughter?” Liam asked, amusement lighting up his eyes as he stood up again.
I nodded, “Yes.” Of course he’d remember Margot. He’d been friends with my brother Ian since they were both ten. But it still felt strange. I was used to being surrounded by people who knew next to nothing about me or my family. People generally made the usual assumptions about my family’s wealth and privilege, but no one had actually met my brother or sister, and to them my mother was simply someone who would breeze through from time to time and take me to lunch at a members-only club. But Liam knew me, not just the polished and practiced self I presented to the world, but the real me. It felt disarming, unsettling, and wonderful all at once.
“How’s Margot doing?” he asked.
I looked at the floor, unsure how much to say. In rehab for her ongoing drug addictions was the obvious, honest answer. But if I said it, my mother would probably sense my breeching the family vault of silence from across the island and send a poison dart through a crack in the window before I finished the sentence. And I wasn’t sure how much I really felt ready to open up to Liam. We had a lot of history, so much unsaid, and a few recent rapid-fire rounds of fights under our belts. Maybe it was better to stay at the surface.
“She’s all right, not great but getting by. She’s in Arizona for a few weeks and Eloise is staying with my mother and me.”
Liam nodded, somehow seeming to understand all the spaces in between my prepared statement. I wondered if he’d heard about her struggles from talking to Ian. But as far as I knew, my brother didn’t really talk to anybody.
“Well, why don’t I take a look at that flooring?” He headed over to the problem corner, where I’d been informed it appeared as if there was extensive water damage. He took his time, examining the area from the inside and out, consulting me like a partner and not an idiot regarding what I’d learned about the problem so far. I’d learned there wasn’t much that could be learned until the floor planks were removed, so I’d requested and received permission from the historical society to remove the floor planks—so long as no damage came to them in the process and they were re-used in the restoration. Thank you Julia.
“No damage in removal,” he repeated, not sounding incredulous but still not liking the restriction.
“They’re not the original floorboards, but they do date back to the late 1800s,” I explained.
“I get it,” he agreed. “I worked on a house last summer with the same deal. It can be done, it just takes more time and money.”
“I know.” My voice threaded the needle between resigned and stubborn. “But I have to do what needs to be done.”
“I can start on it day after tomorrow,” he offered. “I’d start today but I’ve got to get a different set of tools and the historical society will want you to file with them for a permit. And then I work tomorrow.”
“At the station?” I asked.
He nodded. “I can do some prep here, today,” he suggested. “I’ll need to clear everything out of this area, if that’s OK with you.”
“I can help with that.” The corner of the back room had become a sort of office for me. I had a bunch of stuff piled up, mountains of paperwork, stacks of magazines for inspiration, some carpet, tile and fabric samples, plus a couple of ladders and a toolbox. Together, we moved things out of the way upstairs to the empty 2nd floor apartment. I didn’t know why he was suddenly being so nice to me, giving me that list and now pitching in, himself. But I decided to adhere to that wise old saying about gift horses and mouths. I kept my head down and accepted the help I so dearly needed, even if I didn’t exactly understand what was going on.
Eloise pitched in, too, carrying one light object at a time with tremendous pride. Liam joked around with her, airplaning her down the stairs again after each delivery, zooming her around somehow balanced on his forearm. I tried not to stare too obviously at his muscles, bulging as he played so endearingly with my niece.
“Again, again!” Eloise demanded every time he put her down.
“You’ve got to do some work to earn it,” he informed her, pointing to something or other light enough for her to carry.
They laughed and chatted together like old friends, Eloise telling him about a naughty kid from her preschool and how he never shared. “I don’t like to share,” she confided in him, using a whisper. “But I do it any
way.”
“I understand,” he agreed solemnly. “Sometimes I don’t like sharing, either.” His eyes quickly cut to mine, then back to Eloise.
“You don’t?” Her eyes grew wide. He told her about how sometimes a guy would bring donuts to the stationhouse and they’d all disappear before he even got a chance to eat one. “That’s not fair!” she declared with all the indignation a five-year-old could muster.
“It’s OK. When that happens, first thing I do after my shift is go buy a donut.”
She nodded, evaluating the justice of the situation. After careful consideration, she stated, “It’s good to be a grown up.”
“Sometimes,” Liam agreed before airplaning her down the stairs again. Setting her down again gently as she squealed and laughed, I couldn’t help making an observation.
“You’re going to be a great father one day.”
He looked right at me as he said thanks. I blushed at the intensity of his stare. That might have been too personal a comment. It hadn’t struck me as such at first, but then something in the way he looked at me reminded me of how we used to feel about each other. The way we’d talked about the future, as if being together and starting a family was a certainty. Until I’d walked away from it.
Liam excused himself shortly thereafter, promising again to come by the day after tomorrow.
“You don’t have to,” I reminded him, feeling shy. “And you have to let me know how much it’s all going to cost. I can give you a deposit, or, I don’t know how you bill—”
“No charge, Sophie.” He had his back turned toward me as he spoke, walking out as I began to protest.
“No, that’s ridiculous! Liam, you can’t—”
“See you day after tomorrow!”
“I like him,” Eloise declared by my side as we watched him cross the street, heading down to where I knew he must have a spot reserved for locals. Liam knew all the insider island tricks. But to work on my store and not even charge me? What was he thinking?
“I like him, too,” I agreed, arm around Eloise.
All of Me: Liam & Sophie Page 9
