“The cops eventually caught up to us and I was put into foster care until they located my grandmother. They were arrested and charged with second degree murder. They killed Kevin James, Sarah James, and Christine James in a burglary gone wrong. They were convicted and got life in prison without parole.”
Everyone’s mouths and eyes are wide open. My eyes fill with tears, but I blink them away. There, now everyone knows.
“Are you saying your parents were responsible for the deaths of Austin’s family?”
Didn’t I just spell that out? My only response is to nod.
There’s a long pause where no one knows what to say. Even the doctors, the ones who are trained to deal with shit like this, are silent. “Did you know Austin was their son?” Again, I nod. “How?”
I take in a deep breath and let it out. “When I turned eighteen, I moved and changed my name. I essentially destroyed Cassandra Rhodes, which was easy to do considering no one really cared about me. But I became obsessed with what my parents did. I looked up every little detail I could find. I wanted to know why and how it impacted the rest of the family. I saw they had a surviving son who wasn’t home when it all occurred, so I searched for him. I wanted to know if he was okay. I needed to see he was able to have a good life despite my parents destroying it,” I choke out. I remember feeling relieved any time I’d see a picture of him smiling.
“How did you find out?” he directs his question to Austin.
“It doesn’t matter,” I answer for him. “What’s done is done.”
The panel of experts goes on to question me on my childhood, but luckily, they can’t dive too deeply since we’re on a time crunch for the show. They urge the two of us to seek counseling together and try to work through this, but it’s a lost cause. I want nothing to do with him. He forced me to do this and I despise him to the deepest parts of my core for it.
It seems like forever, but we’re finally done and able to leave. I don’t wait around and jump up from my seat like my ass is on fire. I can’t get out of here fast enough, ripping off my microphone as I go.
“Jillian, wait,” Austin shouts as I make a beeline for the exit. I stop, but don’t turn around. “I had no—” I hold up my hand as I spin around and face him, cutting him off.
“Congratulations, I fucking hate you. I’ll sign your fucking papers in the morning. Have a good life.”
RETAIL THERAPY NORMALLY makes everything better, but not today. I search through racks upon racks in hopes of losing myself for a few hours. Since the reunion show two weeks ago, my life has been insane. My phone rings constantly with reporters wanting an exclusive interview, and my email is inundated with messages from random people. It’s odd and invasive. Truth be told, I never expected this kind of attention when I signed up for this show. Then again, I never thought I’d admit to my real identity and where I came from on national television either.
Some days I hate myself for not sticking around after the filming to see what Austin had to say. All I wanted since he walked out on me was for him to talk to me, to give me a chance. But it just seemed like too little, too late. My emotions do this back and forth dance that makes me dizzy. Most days I miss him like I’ve never missed anyone before, other days, I hate him. Love is complicated, but pride is stubborn. Love can hurt, pride can destroy. I am destroyed and broken, but I couldn’t disregard the fact he made me humiliate myself in front of the world. Now I’m wondering if it was a mistake since he’s made no effort to contact me since.
I hang the shirt in my hand back up and walk out of the store. Today’s shopping excursion is officially a bust, and considering what I do for a living, that says something about my current mood. I’m walking down the street, headed home when I hear, “You’re Jillian, right?”
Looking to my left, I see a blonde girl I don’t recognize talking to me. “Yeah . . .” I look around to see if she’s with anyone I know, but she’s by herself.
“Oh my God! I thought that was you! I’m, like, a huge fan of First Comes Marriage, and you were, like, my favorite! I just loved you and Austin!” She’s practically bouncing with excitement and I’m completely mortified and worried that she’s drawing attention to us.
“Thanks,” I mutter, hoping I can get the hell out of here.
“I hate that you guys aren’t together.” She makes this pouty face and I wonder if she’s one of those girls who thinks it’s cute to act dumb. She blows a bubble with the gum in her mouth and then pops it. She’s a walking cliché. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” I humor her.
She looks around as if checking to see if anyone is listening. “Is it true Austin is with Chloe now?”
My eyes widen and my back stiffens. I blink several times in rapid succession before it registers I haven’t answered her yet. “Why do you ask?” My words are slow and measured.
“There were, like, pictures of them together online. I really hope he’s not. I never really liked her. She’s, like, such a bitch,” she says with an exaggerated eye roll.
I give her a tight smile. “I really don’t know.” Without saying goodbye, I walk away in a hurry to get back to the apartment I share with Janey.
When I get home, I go straight to my room and start up my computer. My leg bounces up and down as I wait for what feels like an eternity for it to log on. After doing a google search on Austin, I find what I’m looking for. It’s quite surreal to see our story in the gossip columns, but right there in front of me, is a picture of Austin and Chloe leaving a restaurant together. The caption reads, “Has Austin found love after marriage?” His hand is around her lower back as they smile. My jaw clenches while I study every little detail. I stare at this picture until my eyes burn. They look like they’re on a date. His smile is so bright, just like I remember. How could he move on so quickly? And with her? He must not miss me like I do him. He doesn’t miss me at all.
My throat tightens and the pain in my body hurts just as much now as it did the first day. I ache down to the very center of my bones. He’s hurt me and I’m so angry with him, but I still love him. I can’t help it. He’s embedded in my heart, my soul. He makes me who I am, and without him, I’m only a shell. Seeing him laughing and happy sucks the air out of me. I don’t understand how he can seem so carefree and I have a hard time finding the will to breathe.
Standing up, I make my way across the apartment to Janey’s room. I just need someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Sometimes I think I depend on her too much, but she’s all I have and the only person I can rely on. I’m about to open her door when I hear her voice on the other side.
“Who do you think told him everything?” she asks with a short laugh. There’s a pause before she speaks again, letting me know she’s probably on the phone. “Of course he didn’t believe me at first. He thought Princess Jillian could do no wrong and walked on water. He was such a fucking sucker. She had him so fooled.”
I freeze.
“I gave him her real name and told him to google her. I guess he believes me now because he’s divorcing her lying ass.” She follows that with an evil cackle and I snap.
I fling the door open, causing it to slam against the wall with a loud bang. The noise and sudden intrusion surprises Janey and makes her yelp in surprise. “You fucking bitch,” I seethe.
“Uh, I’ll call you back,” she says into the phone before hanging up. “What are you talking about?” she asks nervously. Judging by the pale expression on her face, she knows exactly what I’m referring to.
“You told Austin about me?” My blood boils as it all rushes to my head.
She shakes her head several times. “No, I told you I wouldn’t tell anyone.”
“Cut the bullshit! I just fucking heard you!” She winces as I scream at her, but continues to shake her head maintaining her innocence. “How could you do that to me? Here you are pretending to be there for me when you’re the one who caused all of this! You’re supposed to be my best friend!”
“You were lying to him! He fell in love with a fraud and he deserved to know the truth since you were never going to tell him!” She stands up and leans toward me as she yells back.
“It wasn’t your place to say anything and you know it. If you really cared about me, you would’ve stayed out of it.”
She crosses her arms over her chest and sticks out her hip. “Oh, like you care about me? Ever since you got your new husband, you don’t have any time for me.”
I see my best friend, the one person I’ve depended on, in a new light. And I’m absolutely disgusted. “Are you serious right now? You are such a damn child, Janey. You want to talk about a fraud, look in the fucking mirror, sweetheart. ‘I’m so sorry, Jillian.’ ‘He’s a fool for leaving you.’ ‘I can’t believe he found out,’” I mock her. Before, her words helped comfort me. Now, it feels like acid on my tongue and a dagger to my heart. “Every time I have something good going for me, you have to be negative or sabotage it.” I shake my head in disbelief. “I get it now. You’re just a jealous bitch.”
“Me jealous of you?” She leans her head back and chortles. “You’re funny, Jillian. I’d never be jealous of the pathetic offspring of two murdering crackheads. You couldn’t hold on to this guy, but maybe you can pick up some tips from your mother. She was good at blowing guys to get what she wanted, right?”
I don’t think, I just act. The culmination of the last six or so months has come to a head and I can’t take anymore. Walking up to her, my arm comes back and swings, landing a smack right to her face. My hand stings after it makes contact with her cheek. Her eyes bulge out as she gasps. My outburst does little to cool the fire burning in the pit of my belly, but it felt damn good.
“Fuck you, Janey.” And fuck her for using my weakness against me.
She doesn’t utter a word as I exit her bedroom. When I get back to mine, I grab my suitcase and start throwing all of my stuff in it. I have to get the hell out of here. I didn’t bring much since her place was fully furnished, which I’m thankful for now. I shut my brain off as I focus on the task at hand, but I know as soon as I get out of here, I’m going to fall apart. In a short period of time, I’ve not only lost my husband, but my best friend too. For the second time in my life, I’m completely alone.
I SLEPT LIKE shit last night. After I packed up all of my stuff, I got a hotel room since I really had nowhere else to go. Janey hid in her bedroom until I left, which was wise on her part. She was the last person I expected to betray me like that. There’s a strong sense of disbelief, like at any moment I’ll wake up from this nightmare and my life will be back to normal.
As lunch time comes and goes, I make myself do the one thing I’ve been putting off. Unlocking and opening my desk drawer, I pull out the envelope holding the papers that will forever disconnect Austin and I. Call me naïve or stupid, but I never had an attorney look them over. In fact, this is the first time I’m seeing them. At this point, I don’t care what it says, I just want this chapter of my life done with. The faster I rip off the band aid, the faster I can try to move forward.
The last time I saw Austin, I told him I’d sign the papers the next day, but I never did. I couldn’t stomach it. Once I do this, everything is final. There’s no going back, no chance of reconciliation. Nothing. All I’ll have left are our memories and what ifs.
The papers feel like a hundred-pound weight as I slide them out of the envelope. I have to blink several times for the words to come into focus. As far as legal documents go, this is pretty cut and dry. Each of us parts with what we came into the marriage with. Should I want to contest this agreement, we would have to go to mediation or court. I have no intentions of fighting this, so with a shaky hand, I pick up my pen and place the tip on the blank line.
I’m frozen, staring down for I don’t know how long. With a final, cleansing breath, I close my eyes, sign my name, and drop the pen. My eyes well up with tears as I lean my head back against my chair. That’s it. It’s done. I thought it would feel like a relief, like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders, but that’s not the case. My stomach is twisted into knots and I have to try really hard to hold back the emotions that threaten to spill out. Where I go from here I have no clue. Other than my job, nothing in my life is stable.
My cellphone vibrates against my desk, making me jump slightly in my seat. Not recognizing the number on the screen, I contemplate letting it go to voicemail, but curiosity gets the best of me and I swipe my finger across the screen to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Is this Jillian?” a man asks.
“It is,” I reply uncertainly.
“Hi, this is Brian James, Austin’s uncle. I hate to call under these circumstances, by there’s been an accident.” His voice cracks on the last word and all the blood drains from my body. “Austin got in a wreck on his motorcycle and it’s not looking good. He’s in surgery right now.”
My hand comes up to my mouth and I shake my head. “Oh, God,” I whisper. Clearing my throat, I find my voice. “Is he—is he going to be okay?” I hold my breath waiting for his answer.
An audible sigh comes through the line. “I don’t know.” He sounds exhausted and completely drained.
“Can I, uh, come down there?” I’m not sure how my request will be received. At this point, I’m sure he’s aware of who I am and why Austin and I aren’t together anymore.
“Of course, that’s why I called you. He’s at Regional.” The relief I feel is short lived as the situation weighs heavily on me.
“I’m on my way.” After a quick goodbye, I gather my things and rush to my boss’ office.
“Come in,” she announces after I knock on her door.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I have to leave. There’s been an accident and Austin is in surgery.”
She arches her eyebrow and looks at me like my request is inconveniencing her. My nerves are a mess, but right now I don’t care about this job. Being there for Austin is more important than this.
“Will you be back in the morning?” She’s cold and hard to read. This will go one of two ways, but I have my fingers crossed it’s in my favor.
“I’m not sure. His uncle said it was pretty bad.” I rock on the balls of my feet, eager to get out of here and to the hospital as quickly as possible. Seeing her debate whatever decision she’s coming to, has me adding, “I’ll take my laptop with me and work from the hospital. I just need to know he’s okay,” I plead with her.
“What are you waiting on then?” She looks at me in a bored fashion, so I take the hint and head out of there.
The ride to the emergency room takes forever. My knees bounce anxiously as I fidget in the back seat. Traffic is a bitch and I get the only cab driver in the whole city who isn’t in a hurry. After snapping at him, he finally gets on the gas and we’re pulling up to the entrance of the hospital.
I run as fast as I can in my heels toward the receptionist’s desk. “Excuse me, I’m here for Austin James. He was brought in for surgery.”
“What is your relation to the patient?” she asks as she pecks away at her computer.
“I’m his wife.” The words are out of my mouth before I have time to think.
After clicking a few more times, she tells me he’s still in surgery but gives me directions to the correct floor where there’s a waiting room.
The elevators open to the floor Austin is on and I rush out and run down the hallway. The sound of my shoes draws the attention of a man. He turns around and I recognize him from the wedding.
“Brian?” I ask breathlessly.
He nods and gives me a hug. The gesture catches me off guard, but after several seconds, I return his embrace. “How is he? Any new updates?”
“Nothing yet.” He leans back from me with his hands braced on my shoulders.
“What happened?” I’m borderline frantic as I anxiously wait to hear what the hell happened.
He pulls away and leads me to a chair in the waiting area. The w
orry and stress lines around his eyes and mouth are prominent. The visible signs of his concern do little to ease my own anxiety. “He was going through an intersection and someone blew through the red light and hit him. He flew through the air before hitting the ground and having his legs run over by another car.” He looks down at his lap and picks at his nails. “So far they say he broke several bones throughout his body and fractured his skull. They’re monitoring his brain swelling. Right now they have him back in surgery to stop some internal bleeding.” The numbness is evident in his voice. He sounds unaffected, but the sorrow is written all over his face.
I stare in bewilderment as I sink down in my seat, trying to process his long list of injuries. “Was he wearing his helmet?”
Brian shakes his head solemnly.
This is bad. My body goes numb and for the first time in forever I start to pray.
Please don’t take him. Let him live. I’ll do whatever you want, just save him.
“I can’t lose him too,” Brian says, emotion wrapping his vocal chords in a tight grip. I look at him and there are tears streaming down his face. It wrecks me.
I grab his hand and squeeze it. “You won’t. He’ll pull through this.” My voice is firm and more confident than I feel, but I have to have faith. “He’s strong. He’ll fight and make it.” He nods and wipes the tears away with the back of his hand. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper, “for everything.”
“Oh sweetheart, it’s not your fault. It wasn’t then, and it isn’t now.” He stares into my eyes, making sure I understand his meaning. I can’t help it, I break down. He wraps his arms around me in a comforting hug and we hold each other while we let out our sorrow. I sob for the things we both lost many years ago, for the uncertainty we face now, and for not telling Austin I love him the last time we spoke.
Hopeless Vows Page 18
